Can I Get A Bit Of Feedback?

[Discount_Blade]

So yeah, check mine out if you get the chance?

Saeculum Novum (A New Century/LitRPG)

 

[Maple-Leaf]

Because you have chosen the correct that name, I shall test out this story of yours.

Just kidding, I've only read two chapters so far, but I think it's good
Then again, my feedback is totally bland and black and white, so you probably won't get much from it.

 

[RepresentingWrath]

So yeah, check mine out if you get the chance?

Saeculum Novum (A New Century/LitRPG)

English isn't my native language so, take everything I say with a grain of salt. And do remember that this is an opinion of a sole person who clearly isn't a professional reviewer\critic.
Your writing style is great, though there is a big problem there. Constant mistakes and typos yank me out of the narrative. I think there is a mistake(s) even in your description. Such a writing style probably would work much better with an editor or at least a proofreader. Try to edit your text a bit more if you can afford it.
About the story, it doesn't suit my taste. There is nothing wrong with your story, it's just my preferences. Though it's too early into the story to make a judgment if there is something unique, so far, there was nothing that would catch my attention. There wasn't something that would make me want to take another look. It feels too generic to make me read it in spite of the presence of tags\genres I don't like.
And lastly, characters. At the moment, we only know enough about the mc and, personally, I think you overdid with the coldness, distrust, anger, and so on. I get that you wanted to make an mc "not a hero" still, it feels like overkill to me. This is solely my opinion on the novel that clearly didn't even start to develop, but the mc, there is nothing unique to him. Perhaps we would get a gap in his characters later on, and some development that would make him interesting, however, you asked for the feedback right not.

 

[Maple-Leaf]

I haven’t found grammar mistakes, am I just dumb?

 

[Discount_Blade]

I haven’t found grammar mistakes, am I just dumb?

I'm more surprised by him saying it's Generic when I lve read many LitRPGs and have never seen it done the way Im doing it. But to each their own opinion.

 

[RepresentingWrath]

I'm more surprised by him saying it's Generic when I lve read many LitRPGs and have never seen it done the way Im doing it. But to each their own opinion.

I didn't want to sound mean it's just the feeling I got. Also, I didn't judge your novel solely on the LitRPGs. It may be wrong, and that's why I told I'm not a pro. I just wanted to help\get some inspiration. Sorry if I wasn't able to achieve the first part.

 

[Vanny]

Dude, I liked it. It's probably the only story I'm interested in on site. And on second thought, after reading it, I'll check other people's work from now on.

You are a good writer. You character is beleiveable, and unique. Whatever you've noticed to help you create him, you should lean into, and vary it to create different types. But honestly, that guy is annoyingly angry.

To my critiques, now. Flesh out the environment, to describe what your character is facing, rather than focusing on him and his emotions. You did it with the interface, but not with the actual suroundings. When you focus on him, it shows his weakness, but if you show what he's overcome, it would show his strenghts, Inversely, what he's falied against would show his weaknesses. And in general, there are white rooms in your story.

I'm going to keep updated, nice work, bro.

 

[Assurbanipal_II]

So yeah, check mine out if you get the chance?

Saeculum Novum (A New Century/LitRPG)

I see, a homo novus.

 

[Discount_Blade]

I didn't want to sound mean it's just the feeling I got. Also, I didn't judge your novel solely on the LitRPGs. It may be wrong, and that's why I told I'm not a pro. I just wanted to help\get some inspiration. Sorry if I wasn't able to achieve the first part.

Nah it's fine man. I wasn't criticizing you. If I was worried about being hated on I wouldn't have asked for opinions. Thanks for taking the time to read anyway

 

[Discount_Blade]

Dude, I liked it. It's probably the only story I'm interested in on site. And on second thought, after reading it, I'll check other people's work from now on.

You are a good writer. You character is beleiveable, and unique. Whatever you've noticed to help you create him, you should lean into, and vary it to create different types. But honestly, that guy is annoyingly angry.

To my critiques, now. Flesh out the environment, to describe what your character is facing, rather than focusing on him and his emotions. You did it with the interface, but not with the actual suroundings. When you focus on him, it shows his weakness, but if you show what he's overcome, it would show his strenghts, Inversely, what he's falied against would show his weaknesses. And in general, there are white rooms in your story.

I'm going to keep updated, nice work, bro.

Thanks for checking it out dude. Also, what are white rooms?

 

[Vanny]

Thanks for checking it out dude. Also, what are white rooms?

When something like a conversation, explaination happen's long enough that environment becomes forgotten.

 

[DWS]

You don't mind if I disect things a little do you? Let's start from the... start, because a good first chapter is important.

That he only had two core personality traits. Sullen and Sarcastic.

Call it personal preference - but I have two problems with this opening paragraph. One, it's a rather clumsy way of introducing a character. The paragraph does not connect to the following action of the story. When introducing a character, especially your protagonist, it's important to make an impression on the reader and the best way to do that is through action or dialogue. In fact, you do this in the following section, which makes this opening feel redundant. You could probably cut this out and not miss anything.

Second, and this is the opinion bit, this is a bad first impression to me. Sarcasm is fun in small doses, not when it's a core element of a character's persona - when I see a paragraph that singles these elements out it turns me off from reading further. To compound this, some of your prose is very... heavy, which becomes evident in chapter 2 and ESPECIALLY CHAPTER 4. I like a thick paragraph or two myself, but consider the pacing of your story when hashing out a few hundred words like that. Break it up with some single lines for punchy moments that are important, they should draw the eye first and foremost and create a flow within the story that drags the eye from left to right.

Remember to put puncuation at the end of your dialogue! You do this sometimes, but not consistently. It hurts the image of your story when you do things well on one line but not on another.

Speaking of italics, when writing in third person it's very easy to fall into the habit of internal monologuing. While it provides an easy and convenient way to tell us what the character is thinking - I feel it's also largely uneeded.

He vaguely wondered if he was going to die in this alien landscape. Once again it struck him as unnatural that he was not truly bothered more than he was by the fact that he had died once before. Even now, when considering the possibility of dying yet again, he felt little else but a certain sense of morbid curiosity. No fear.

Clearly, my mind is cracking up under the strain of….this place. Wherever it is.

Good character moment, gives us an insight into what he's thinking. But do we need an extra line in italics explaining it further? Does his reaction in the previous section not already imply that something isn't right? Or to make things simpler, did we need to seperate that reaction into it's own line of italics? I think you could have worked it into the prose without much issue.

I'm not really a litrpg reader so, take it as is. Hope this helps.

 

[Discount_Blade]

You don't mind if I disect things a little do you? Let's start from the... start, because a good first chapter is important.


Call it personal preference - but I have two problems with this opening paragraph. One, it's a rather clumsy way of introducing a character. The paragraph does not connect to the following action of the story. When introducing a character, especially your protagonist, it's important to make an impression on the reader and the best way to do that is through action or dialogue. In fact, you do this in the following section, which makes this opening feel redundant. You could probably cut this out and not miss anything.

Second, and this is the opinion bit, this is a bad first impression to me. Sarcasm is fun in small doses, not when it's a core element of a character's persona - when I see a paragraph that singles these elements out it turns me off from reading further. To compound this, some of your prose is very... heavy, which becomes evident in chapter 2 and ESPECIALLY CHAPTER 4. I like a thick paragraph or two myself, but consider the pacing of your story when hashing out a few hundred words like that. Break it up with some single lines for punchy moments that are important, they should draw the eye first and foremost and create a flow within the story that drags the eye from left to right.

Remember to put puncuation at the end of your dialogue! You do this sometimes, but not consistently. It hurts the image of your story when you do things well on one line but not on another.

Speaking of italics, when writing in third person it's very easy to fall into the habit of internal monologuing. While it provides an easy and convenient way to tell us what the character is thinking - I feel it's also largely uneeded.

Good character moment, gives us an insight into what he's thinking. But do we need an extra line in italics explaining it further? Does his reaction in the previous section not already imply that something isn't right? Or to make things simpler, did we need to seperate that reaction into it's own line of italics? I think you could have worked it into the prose without much issue.

I'm not really a litrpg reader so, take it as is. Hope this helps.

Thanks for the insight

 

[UYScuti]

Don't take this as me ripping on the story, because overall, I like it and will continue reading. These are just my thoughts.

There's quite a bit of information readers can gloss over without missing anything. Examples would be eating before their challenge, the Proctor's overly long dialogue blocks, and the interface's lengthy descriptions. You created a mythos for the Sanguine Crusader and the Rage Prophet that I won't remember.

As for grammar, everyone has errors. None of us are paying for editors or proofreaders. The only thing I'll say is you use "had" in places you don't need to way too often. If you can cross "had" out, and the meaning of the sentence remains the same, you didn't need it.

A little sentence restructuring and descriptions of body actions will allow a deeper dive into the MC's thoughts without internal monologuing.

The MC doesn't sound 22, more like a middle-aged divorcee, but I don't think that's a bad thing. The fight dragged on for too long as well. Was that a goddess?

Chapter one didn't hook me initially, but I liked the darker turn it took towards the end. The subsequent chapters lost the weight of the beginning, though. As if the dark tone you built had no point.

Anyways, like I said, don't take this as a rip. These are just thoughts of mine, and many people will disagree. I like the book and its premise. Of all the LitRPG's involving a system, apocalyptic/earth altering storylines like yours appeal to me the most. I'm interested.

 

[ForestDweller]

Speaking of italics, when writing in third person it's very easy to fall into the habit of internal monologuing. While it provides an easy and convenient way to tell us what the character is thinking - I feel it's also largely uneeded.

That's how light novels are written.

No need to mimic serious Western fantasies if you're writing in this genre, I think.