Can anyone?

[Cheralathan]

The Future Sight is the title of the story, if anyone give review it will helpful for me to continue

 

[Worthy39]

I don't really have the time or qualifications to give a decent review, but what I can give you is advice. Add a link to your story before asking for a review. I got you covered this time.

The future sight

 

[blackcrowcrowd]

I still have a LOT of stories to review from my thread, so I'm not gonna review your chapter itself. However, a quick look into your story and you will find that:
1. Chapter 1's title formatting is messed up and is inconsistent.
2. Your blurb doesn't tell much beside bro got vision, also you might want to replace that dot at the end with a question mark, dude.

 

[GardenerKing]

Chapter 1


The story starts from

Remove that and rename the chapter name to "Chapter 1: The future sight" or something similar if you want to give it a title. I also find the first scene useless. I get it's Fusi viewing the future or in the future, but it's too short and contextless.

The boy who had thrown the fireball approached him nervously. “Sorry—I was aiming for someone else, but it nearly hit you. Before that, though—what’s your name? What’s your power? And how did you dodge that?”

The boy didn’t even look up. “I’ll just say this—my name is Fusi. And I’m sleepy. So shut your mouth.” He dropped his head onto the desk.

“Fusi, huh? Don’t sleep! It’s the first day! Don’t you want to know about your classmates? At least start with names—”

With a sleepy voice, Fusi cut him off. “Your name is Agni. Your power is pyrokinesis. That’s enough for today. Let me sleep.”

“When did I become famous?” Agni laughed. “You still haven’t answered my questions, but fine—at least you told me your name.”

This entire interaction feels like a plot device to reveal Fusi's power and paint him as mysterious and awesome, but it's so short that Fusi appears as an asshole instead. Agni's lack of reaction is concerning, especially after apologizing and receiving that response. You might want to put some more work into clarifying their emotions and reactions.

“Hah,” Agni said with a grin. “So that’s how you dodged my fireball. Interesting power you’ve got there.” ... “That wasn’t a compliment, fool! See you later!”

This entire interaction makes your character feel like an NPC. Maybe this part: "Phew, the day ended with no problems. Now I can go home, play games, and sleep." should have been a thought, not something a character would say out loud.

One Year Later

Yooo, chill. We aren't even 500 words in, why put a timeskip? You lost me here.

 

[Cheralathan]

Remove that and rename the chapter name to "Chapter 1: The future sight" or something similar if you want to give it a title. I also find the first scene useless. I get it's Fusi viewing the future or in the future, but it's too short and contextless.

This entire interaction feels like a plot device to reveal Fusi's power and paint him as mysterious and awesome, but it's so short that Fusi appears as an asshole instead. Agni's lack of reaction is concerning, especially after apologizing and receiving that response. You might want to put some more work into clarifying their emotions and reactions.


This entire interaction makes your character feel like an NPC. Maybe this part: "Phew, the day ended with no problems. Now I can go home, play games, and sleep." should have been a thought, not something a character would say out loud.


Yooo, chill. We aren't even 500 words in, why put a timeskip? You lost me here.

Thank you, it's my first time writing story I don't know how to differentiate thoughts of characters and say out loud.
Actually : "Phew, the day ended with no problems. Now I can go home, play games, and sleep." This is his thoughts he is not saying out loud
I didn't originally planned college scenes, I thought I might use it for characters introduction but I think I messed up

I don't really have the time or qualifications to give a decent review, but what I can give you is advice. Add a link to your story before asking for a review. I got you covered this time.

The future sight

Thank you

I still have a LOT of stories to review from my thread, so I'm not gonna review your chapter itself. However, a quick look into your story and you will find that:
1. Chapter 1's title formatting is messed up and is inconsistent.
2. Your blurb doesn't tell much beside bro got vision, also you might want to replace that dot at the end with a question mark, dude.

Thank you

 

[Juia_Darkcrest]

><

I just read the whole thing...I will be brutally honest with you here;

1 - What was that opening for? This story starts here, and a dude on a cliff with no background? Then instead of building on that scene you immediately move to 8 years prior. It doesn't add to your story as is.

2 - I can't see anyone thinking future sight would be useless...ever. It is pretty much the most overpowered skill.

3 - There needs to be more...meat to the story. I am all for cutting down useless verbiage, but these sentences you are using have been trimmed so much I want to feed them a sandwich.

4 - You have almost all dialogue with zero thoughts or explanations of what is going on. I am very confused. He is in college but people are just throwing fireballs around? Hun?

5 - Your chapters are very very short, all three of your chapters could have been condensed into one, (heck chapter three barely has the word count for two paragraphs) and it still would not be the same size as most on this this site. Shoot for 2-3k per chapter IMO.

I think you need to start over, and consider what you want to write first, then provide some context for the reader. Your synopsis doesn't articulate what your story is about, so you need to have some indication of what that is in you first chapter.

Keep trying, and once you have something with a bit of story to it, and you are happy with what you have written, ask again for our input. Most people here would be happy to help, as long as it isnt half a book you are asking us to review.

 

[Eldoria]

I think there should be some sort of minimum standard for the number of chapters that are worthy of review. Stories that are too short are too early to be reviewed. Many stories with tens, even hundreds of chapters, haven't even received reviews yet.

 

[Cheralathan]

><

I just read the whole thing...I will be brutally honest with you here;

1 - What was that opening for? This story starts here, and a dude on a cliff with no background? Then instead of building on that scene you immediately move to 8 years prior. It doesn't add to your story as is.

2 - I can't see anyone thinking future sight would be useless...ever. It is pretty much the most overpowered skill.

3 - There needs to be more...meat to the story. I am all for cutting down useless verbiage, but these sentences you are using have been trimmed so much I want to feed them a sandwich.

4 - You have almost all dialogue with zero thoughts or explanations of what is going on. I am very confused. He is in college but people are just throwing fireballs around? Hun?

5 - Your chapters are very very short, all three of your chapters could have been condensed into one, (heck chapter three barely has the word count for two paragraphs) and it still would not be the same size as most on this this site. Shoot for 2-3k per chapter IMO.

I think you need to start over, and consider what you want to write first, then provide some context for the reader. Your synopsis doesn't articulate what your story is about, so you need to have some indication of what that is in you first chapter.

Keep trying, and once you have something with a bit of story to it, and you are happy with what you have written, ask again for our input. Most people here would be happy to help, as long as it isnt half a book you are asking us to review.

Thank you and sorry for asked review for this half-baked story. I originally wanted to give explanation for everything but that felt like info dump so I cut it down and now I trimmed it too much.

I think there should be some sort of minimum standard for the number of chapters that are worthy of review. Stories that are too short are too early to be reviewed. Many stories with tens, even hundreds of chapters, haven't even received reviews yet.

Sorry for that I will be careful next time

 

[Juia_Darkcrest]

Thank you and sorry for asked review for this half-baked story. I originally wanted to give explanation for everything but that felt like info dump so I cut it down and now I trimmed it too much.

Sorry for that I will be careful next time

dont be afraid of exposition. It is what makes a story a story.

Too much is bad too, but too little will kill your story immediately.

it doesn't have to be too much, like the dude on the cliff doesnt need his entire backstory there, but there needs to be some context as to why he is there, descriptors of what he is feeling, something.

the school part where your MC was dodging random fireballs definitely needs more filler. Type of school, why are people flinging these fireballs around. All that good exposition that lets your reader build upon with their imagination when reading a story.

you may want to practice writing some short stories for yourself about simple things, like grandma's house when you were a kid, or a dog that jumped into a pond to fetch a stick. Just to practice writing descriptions of stuff and situations, being verbose as you can be, then trimming it so it makes a comfortable read.