Can anyone give me some feedback on my story?

D

Deleted member 54065

Guest
Hello!

I've read your first chapter and I could say that, well, you need a lot of improvement on your work. One of those that you need to be careful upon is your capitalization. For example:

"I looked at the Weapons again,
There were Sword, Shield, Bow - Arrows, Spears, and many more i didn't the know the name of."

Unless it is a proper noun, you should refrain from capitalizing nouns like 'weapon', 'shield', 'sword', 'bow and arrow', and 'spears'. A proper noun is the name of a person, place, animal, etc., like "Taeyang Lee", or "Korea".

Second are the redundant words. Redundant words are those that are often repeated, and it can be awkward to read. For example:

"The air was cold, and that cold air was hitting my face as i was standing at the edge of the rooftop."

On the first part of your sentence, you already stated that the 'air was cold', so you don't have to write 'and that cold air was hitting my face...' because your readers already know that the air, or wind, was cold by the first phrase.

Don't worry, it's one of the common mistakes a lot of non-native English speakers commit. But do watch out for that.

As for punctuations, if you're going to use a question mark (?), make sure to use only one symbol. If you're going to use period (.), it means that the sentence has ended, while comma (,) is usually for combining two separate ideas (sentences or phrase) together. An ellipsis (...) is for statements that are unfinished, and is only limited to three dots.

"I" is used to refer to the speaker, or narrator, and it's capitalized.

As for the chapter itself, for me, you have communicated your ideas well, though it's hampered with above-mentioned mistakes. I think it'd be better if you take my suggestions, but in the end it's still your decision. There are also other writers here that are better than me, so you can take their advice as well.

As for the entire story...I can't say anything yet. Aside from the fact that it's only one chapter long, it's one with a system. I do love 'isekai' stories (I'm writing one as well), but I never liked the ones with systems (I feel that the characters are not human, see?).

In any case, please continue with your work. Don't be discouraged by low readers and incoming 'negative comments' (like mine, I guess). I sincerely hope you'd find joy in writing like I do.

P.S.: More suggestions!

You can also improve your storytelling by formatting!

Like, italics often indicate a character's inner thought. Or bold for emphasis, usually important words, or sentences. 'These' are used to show a new terminology, or phrase.
 

TheDark0ne

Member
Joined
Jan 12, 2022
Messages
38
Points
18
Hello!

I've read your first chapter and I could say that, well, you need a lot of improvement on your work. One of those that you need to be careful upon is your capitalization. For example:

"I looked at the Weapons again,
There were Sword, Shield, Bow - Arrows, Spears, and many more i didn't the know the name of."

Unless it is a proper noun, you should refrain from capitalizing nouns like 'weapon', 'shield', 'sword', 'bow and arrow', and 'spears'. A proper noun is the name of a person, place, animal, etc., like "Taeyang Lee", or "Korea".

Second are the redundant words. Redundant words are those that are often repeated, and it can be awkward to read. For example:

"The air was cold, and that cold air was hitting my face as i was standing at the edge of the rooftop."

On the first part of your sentence, you already stated that the 'air was cold', so you don't have to write 'and that cold air was hitting my face...' because your readers already know that the air, or wind, was cold by the first phrase.

Don't worry, it's one of the common mistakes a lot of non-native English speakers commit. But do watch out for that.

As for punctuations, if you're going to use a question mark (?), make sure to use only one symbol. If you're going to use period (.), it means that the sentence has ended, while comma (,) is usually for combining two separate ideas (sentences or phrase) together. An ellipsis (...) is for statements that are unfinished, and is only limited to three dots.

"I" is used to refer to the speaker, or narrator, and it's capitalized.

As for the chapter itself, for me, you have communicated your ideas well, though it's hampered with above-mentioned mistakes. I think it'd be better if you take my suggestions, but in the end it's still your decision. There are also other writers here that are better than me, so you can take their advice as well.

As for the entire story...I can't say anything yet. Aside from the fact that it's only one chapter long, it's one with a system. I do love 'isekai' stories (I'm writing one as well), but I never liked the ones with systems (I feel that the characters are not human, see?).

In any case, please continue with your work. Don't be discouraged by low readers and incoming 'negative comments' (like mine, I guess). I sincerely hope you'd find joy in writing like I do.

P.S.: More suggestions!

You can also improve your storytelling by formatting!

Like, italics often indicate a character's inner thought. Or bold for emphasis, usually important words, or sentences. 'These' are used to show a new terminology, or phrase.
Thank you for your feedback,
i will make sure to get that into my stupid head.
Thank you for your feedback.
 

Ai-chan

Queen of Yuri Devourer of Traps
Joined
Dec 23, 2018
Messages
1,675
Points
153
Your synopsis would not fit the back of a book. Shorten it. Not shorten by word count, but make it less tall.

The air was cold, and that cold air was hitting my face as i was standing at the edge of the rooftop.
This is repetitive. [The air was cold, the chilling breeze hit my face as I stood at the edge of the rooftop.] 'was standing' is past continuous, which is fine, but you did not continue this in the other sentences. So it is understood that you mentioned this some time ago, and that did not continue up until the time you tell it.

I looked back at the 2 that were laughing even when someone was going to die and the other 2 anxious if i would really jump.
Try to avoid digits when you can use words. [I looked back at the two who were laughing even when someone was about to die, as the other two looked anxious wondering if I would really jump.]

They were confident that they won't be held accountable for my death, because their parents were Big Businessman, they just had to flap some bundle of cash in front of the Police and everyone involved to shut there mouth and make it so that word doesn't get out.
[They were confident that they wouldn't be held accountable for my death, because their parents were Big Company owners. They would just flap some bundle of cash in front of the police and everyone would shut their mouths. So word of it would never get out.]
You use simple future tense here, but this is a hypothetical situation, instead of something that you can confirm happen in the future. You can use will here if you know for sure that their parents have bundles of cash prepared, ready to bribe the police. But that wouldn't be the case as the 'bundles of cash' would be prepared only after the deed was done.

But i didn't want to do so at my last so i once again closed my mouth.
Ai-chan thinks you want to say "at my last moment". Also, 'i' should be capitalized.

I faced forward as i thought that this will be the last moment and jumped from the edge,
[I faced forward as I thought that this will be my last moment and jumped from the edge.]
This is a full stop.

I saw something floating in front of my face, as i fell with speed.
[Something appeared floating in front of my face as my body fell at high speed.]


Well, Ai-chan only has this much time. Your story is not too bad. If this is your first time, Ai-chan would even say that this is pretty nice. You made a lot of newbie mistakes, but that's a given, since you're a newbie. Just keep on writing, don't have thin skin and Ai-chan is sure you will do marvelous soon.
 
D

Deleted member 54065

Guest
Thank you for your feedback,
i will make sure to get that into my stupid head.
Nah, you're not stupid. Everyone has to start at something, ya know. Please stop calling yourself that ?
 

TheDark0ne

Member
Joined
Jan 12, 2022
Messages
38
Points
18
Your synopsis would not fit the back of a book. Shorten it. Not shorten by word count, but make it less tall.


This is repetitive. [The air was cold, the chilling breeze hit my face as I stood at the edge of the rooftop.] 'was standing' is past continuous, which is fine, but you did not continue this in the other sentences. So it is understood that you mentioned this some time ago, and that did not continue up until the time you tell it.


Try to avoid digits when you can use words. [I looked back at the two who were laughing even when someone was about to die, as the other two looked anxious wondering if I would really jump.]


[They were confident that they wouldn't be held accountable for my death, because their parents were Big Company owners. They would just flap some bundle of cash in front of the police and everyone would shut their mouths. So word of it would never get out.]
You use simple future tense here, but this is a hypothetical situation, instead of something that you can confirm happen in the future. You can use will here if you know for sure that their parents have bundles of cash prepared, ready to bribe the police. But that wouldn't be the case as the 'bundles of cash' would be prepared only after the deed was done.


Ai-chan thinks you want to say "at my last moment". Also, 'i' should be capitalized.


[I faced forward as I thought that this will be my last moment and jumped from the edge.]
This is a full stop.


[Something appeared floating in front of my face as my body fell at high speed.]


Well, Ai-chan only has this much time. Your story is not too bad. If this is your first time, Ai-chan would even say that this is pretty nice. You made a lot of newbie mistakes, but that's a given, since you're a newbie. Just keep on writing, don't have thin skin and Ai-chan is sure you will do marvelous soon.
Thank you.
Nah, you're not stupid. Everyone has to start at something, ya know. Please stop calling yourself that ?
Can you also tell me if there are some, apps or sites to check my writing for mistakes.
 

kingsky123

New member
Joined
Feb 5, 2022
Messages
19
Points
3
i feel that it reads like a translated version of a story. most JP and KR light novels have this sort of prose due to it being not English in the original content.

Perhaps you can rephrase or re-do certain ways to narrating the story since it is written in English after all.

But yeah, it has the beginnings of an interesting isekai themed story. keep at it

also if you could review my work in my signature i would love to hear your opinions on it
 
D

Deleted member 54065

Guest
Thank you.

Can you also tell me if there are some, apps or sites to check my writing for mistakes.
Ah my apologies I only saw this now.

Anyways, Grammarly and ProWritingAid can help you with basic grammar, spelling and punctuation mistakes, especially ProWritingAid.

If you're using MS Word, you can get a ProWritingAid app installed to it for free, so you can check your work after writing the first draft. The same with Grammarly.

However, it's better that you learn the rules in writing in English because sometimes, the apps give you options that is against your intentions for a certain part.

For that, you can watch Youtube tutorials in writing. They can help a lot too.
 

TheDark0ne

Member
Joined
Jan 12, 2022
Messages
38
Points
18
Ah my apologies I only saw this now.

Anyways, Grammarly and ProWritingAid can help you with basic grammar, spelling and punctuation mistakes, especially ProWritingAid.

However, it's better that you learn the rules in writing in English because sometimes, the apps give you options that is against your intentions for a certain part.

For that, you can watch Youtube tutorials in writing. They can help a lot too.
Thank you.
I'll be sure to check it out.
 
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