Been a long while, but I do need some feedback

[ViciousTongue]

The Emissary Warrior: Shokei – Volume 1

Set in an unknown dimension revolving around three planets, the story is about an adventurer who has been given the title as 'The Emissary.' The adventurer sets out on a journey to find eight Mystic Gems to save a universe from an evil necromancer group.

www.scribblehub.com

Hello forums!

I have been uploading chapters every week for my story project. I know my story won't get enough buzz, but I am about fifty chapters in and have more chapters to upload. Volume 1 has already been completed, but I am giving my uploads for a week until I upload more for next week. Volume 2 is still in the works, but its taking time for me to get through it as its going to be another long project for me (have no idea when its ever going to be done. I've written out a summarized edition in advance so that I do not forget).

Anyways, I would not mind feedback for my story in case you shown interest. Criticism is fine if there is anything that needs improvement.

 

[Rookieqw]

Good day to you. Before we continue, please bear in mind that I am still a very bad writer and have much to learn. Take my words with a grain... a bag of sand.

With that out of the way:

https://www.scribblehub.com/read/13...ary-of-light-volume--dilemma/chapter/1329194/

This is a lore dump. I, as a reader, have no reason to care for any of that. Yes, it is part of your worldbuilding, and I understand the desire to share it. I myself have an entire lore chapter in my story, but it comes only after I gave (well. Attempted, lol) the readers a reason to read through it. Ask yourself, why would anyone be interested in these planets right off the bat?

Next, there are light mistakes:

The forest that inhibits these planets have many secrets and mysteries.

A) It should be "the forests", unless you have an entire forest spanning the cosmos. B) What does inhibit mean in this context? Inhibit, AFAK, means suppressing or sealing. It is a very alien concept to introduce to a reader who has just opened your book.

One of first of the three planets is called Nolea.

It should be One of the first... I take it that English is not your native language? If so, don't worry! I am in the same boat. Use a grammar checker (I use first QuillBot, then DeepL to catch all the missing "has, have, and had"). I use paid versions, but free versions are also fully functional (except for today. QuillBot just updated and is glitchy for a moment).

In short. Abandon lore dump. The readers want a quick introduction to the characters. Find something, anything, to make them care and start with it. Then weave your lore dump into the story (you wrote it; why discard it?). The simplest way is to have one character ask another. And clear your writing of mistakes, then work on expanding your vocabulary (it will never hurt).

 

[ViciousTongue]

Hi! I didn't get a chance to respond.

English is my native language and I'm raised in America (I dunno why you say that).

Also, I thank you for some feedback. I have intended with the prologue of the story just to get a background or an introduction to the story. I didn't want to jump right into the story as it would feel off for me. A world building is something that I needed just to get a vision of where the story is taking place in a setting format. I wanted to do a small lore of what the story is about first before diving into the main story in general. Therefore, no, the lore as the Prologue stays as an introduction.

My story is never perfect, but this right here was my second re-written of the story (the story originated in 2006 and then was re-written back in 2018 as I went through Volume 1 all over again). Hope this clears up.

 

[CharlesEBrown]

English is my native language and I'm raised in America (I dunno why you say that).

I suspect for two reasons -
1) lot of new writers since I showed up last year are not native English speakers, and
2) the specific errors Rookieqw pointed out are very common errors made by those translating another language into English (also fairly common with people who type fast and don't proofread their work "live" though).