Asking for synopsis feedback

[LasagnaOverlord]

https://www.scribblehub.com/series/...ccidentally-got-transferred-to-another-world/

Hello! I'm really motivated to start working on this novel, so a quick feedback or some form of critique would be a great help!

I haven't really ironed out the details yet, so I tried to keep the synopsis as vague as possible without compromising on the "pull" aspect, though I'm not sure if it worked out as I intended it to be.

 

[2021]

pretty good

 

[LasagnaOverlord]

pretty good

Thanks! Can I ask if there was anything specific that you found odd, jarring, or misplaced?

 

[2021]

Thanks! Can I ask if there was anything specific that you found odd, jarring, or misplaced?

It’s quite a long synopsis. Maybe find a way to abridge it, make it simpler, or shorter, but with the same gist you were going for. But pretty good as is

 

[LasagnaOverlord]

It’s quite a long synopsis. Maybe find a way to abridge it, make it simpler, or shorter, but with the same gist you were going for. But pretty good as is

Yeah, it really is quite long. In fact, it occupied the entire screen.
Hmm... I guess I'll cut it by half, and incorporate the discarded lines into the prologue or something.

 

[greyblob]

that's a prologue not a synopsis. not a fan of those personally, but I've seen some people do it

 

[LasagnaOverlord]

that's a prologue not a synopsis. not a fan of those personally, but I've seen some people do it

It comes off like that, huh? Aight, definitely cutting it shorter now.
May I ask if its the length that you're not too keen on, or the premise of the story itself? I'm also interested in gauging (potential) readers' thoughts.

 

[2021]

It comes off like that, huh? Aight, definitely cutting it shorter now.
May I ask if its the length that you're not too keen on, or the premise of the story itself? I'm also interested in gauging (potential) readers' thoughts.

The length is big, we came for a short idea of the plot, not the first chapter

 

[Deeprotsorcerer]

I think the synopsis length is fine, the meat of it however...

Cecil, heir to the noble house of Auguste that holds the title of ‘Viscount’. To formally inherit the title, he must head off to the Royal Palace on the day of his 17th birthday for the 「Noblesse Oblige」– a trial to prove that one is capable of the duties that comes with nobility.

Feels slightly off. The first sentence is incomplete-ish and the second feels like an extension of the first but sounds weird on it's own. Consider just smashing the two together and doing some clipping for word efficiency like so:

Cecil, heir to the house of Auguste, must head off to the Royal Palace on his 17th birthday for the 「Noblesse Oblige」– a trial that shall test his worth as a noble, and grant him the right to claim the title of viscount, should he emerge triumphant.

But he, who was supposed to undergo his coming-of-age trial, was accidentally transferred to another world!?

The bolded section is redundant, and should be cut. We already received this information in the first paragraph.

Cecil Auguste, 17-year old sexual deviant. As he tries to withstand the gazes of disgust directed to his shameful appearance, he resigns himself to venture forth in this new world - but first, let's find some pants, shall we?

Come, bear witness to the Tale of Cecil!

The first sentence is incomplete. Do you mean "follow Cecil Augeste"? And you do the same weird cut-what-should-be-one-sentence-into-two- incomplete-sentences thing here. Don't be afraid of longer sentences, especially if in your attempt to amend the problem, you make a worse problem.

All in all, my impression of the synopsis is that it's... kinda mid. It's not bad, and it does set up an expectation for the story, it just doesn't grab me. I'm a harsher critic than most though. I'm fairly certain that you'll get readers and I'll read your first chapter when it comes out. Remind me if I don't.

 

[LasagnaOverlord]

I think the synopsis length is fine, the meat of it however...



Feels slightly off. The first sentence is incomplete-ish and the second feels like an extension of the first but sounds weird on it's own. Consider just smashing the two together and doing some clipping for word efficiency like so:





The bolded section is redundant, and should be cut. We already received this information in the first paragraph.




The first sentence is incomplete. Do you mean "follow Cecil Augeste"? And you do the same weird cut-what-should-be-one-sentence-into two incomplete sentences thing here. Don't be afraid of longer sentences, especially if in your attempt to amend the problem, you make a worse problem.

All in all, my impression of the synopsis is that it's... kinda mid. It's not bad, and it does set up an expectation for the story, it just doesn't grab me. I'm a harsher critic than most though. I'm fairly certain that you'll get readers and I'll read your first chapter when it comes out. Remind me if I don't.

Oh, please feel free to critique! I appreciate the honesty as well as the suggestions, especially with regards to how my sentence construction feels a bit iffy.

I'll be modifying the synopsis and hopefully get post the first chapter / prologue by today or tomorrow, at least. Can I tag you by then, if that's okay?

 

[Deleted member 54065]

A synopsis typically answers the following questions:

1). Who is the MC?
2). What the story is all about?
3). What are the problems the MC will face?

All in a brief and concise summary. Use dialogue sparingly since it's not the actual story itself.

 

[greyblob]

It comes off like that, huh? Aight, definitely cutting it shorter now.
May I ask if its the length that you're not too keen on, or the premise of the story itself? I'm also interested in gauging (potential) readers' thoughts.

It's a tad bit long imo. again, it reads more like a prologue than a synopsis, but that's not necessarily bad. It's pretty common with the LN style novels. I just didn't read the title beforehand.
regarding the story, I have no clue. all I got is that there would be some kind of fighting, and judging by the mc shouting out that he's naked: it's a shonen. I doubt I'm your target demographic as I have a deep hatred for shonen mcs.
I'd say follow Deeprotsorcerer advice and work on sentence structure, use grammarly to catch small mistakes, and just go for it. experiment after you start posting, and ask your readers' opinions instead. also, adding a different cover with an anime girl will give you a huge boost in views (especially with the tags that you have).

 

[LasagnaOverlord]

It's a tad bit long imo. again, it reads more like a prologue than a synopsis, but that's not necessarily bad. It's pretty common with the LN style novels. I just didn't read the title beforehand.
regarding the story, I have no clue. all I got is that there would be some kind of fighting, and judging by the mc shouting out that he's naked: it's a shonen. I doubt I'm your target demographic as I have a deep hatred for shonen mcs.
I'd say follow Deeprotsorcerer advice and work on sentence structure, use grammarly to catch small mistakes, and just go for it. experiment after you start posting, and ask your readers' opinions instead. also, adding a different cover with an anime girl will give you a huge boost in views (especially with the tags that you have).

I tried to shorten it this time around. Please give it a read once more.

I think the synopsis length is fine, the meat of it however...



Feels slightly off. The first sentence is incomplete-ish and the second feels like an extension of the first but sounds weird on it's own. Consider just smashing the two together and doing some clipping for word efficiency like so:





The bolded section is redundant, and should be cut. We already received this information in the first paragraph.




The first sentence is incomplete. Do you mean "follow Cecil Augeste"? And you do the same weird cut-what-should-be-one-sentence-into-two- incomplete-sentences thing here. Don't be afraid of longer sentences, especially if in your attempt to amend the problem, you make a worse problem.

All in all, my impression of the synopsis is that it's... kinda mid. It's not bad, and it does set up an expectation for the story, it just doesn't grab me. I'm a harsher critic than most though. I'm fairly certain that you'll get readers and I'll read your first chapter when it comes out. Remind me if I don't.

Replaced those parts that you parts you mentioned, and I tried my best as well to make it as interesting as possible. Would be much appreciated if you could give it another read-over!

The length is big, we came for a short idea of the plot, not the first chapter

I'm not sure if the revised synopsis I created can be called 'short', but I can definitely say its more concise than the first one. Can I ask for your opinion on it as well?

 

[greyblob]

I tried to shorten it this time around. Please give it a read once more.

it's an improvement. though, I don't think it's a good idea to start with exposition on the trial. here's a small revision:

Cecil, heir to the house of Auguste, presents himself before the Royal Court on his 17th birthday to formally inherit the title of ’Viscount’. He is to partake in 「 Noblesse Oblige 」- a trial to prove that one is worthy of nobility, should they prevail.

again I'd advise on using grammarly. there are some minor mistakes.

 

[LasagnaOverlord]

it's an improvement. though, I don't think it's a good idea to start with exposition on the trial. here's a small revision:

again I'd advise on using grammarly. there are some minor mistakes.

Understood! Word isn't giving me any of those red squiggly lines so I assumed everything was fine and dandy. I'll try to check out what Grammarly has to say :DD

 

[Deeprotsorcerer]

「 Noblesse Oblige 」- a trial to prove one is worthy of nobility should they prevail. Partaking in such trial, Cecil, heir to the house of Auguste, presents himself before the Royal Court on his 17th birthday to formally inherit the title of ’Viscount’.

Ya did it again!

​

The issue here isn't that the sentence isn't grammatically correct (it is correct save for the need for a comma after nobility). It's that when paired with the rest of the paragraph it comes out as choppy and overly laconic because you've used an entire fullstop on a very small piece of information before referencing the same bit right after without using literary language or anything. It just feels weird. Try this:

Cecil, heir to the house of Auguste, presents himself before the Royal Court to undertake the trial of 「 Noblesse Oblige 」, and prove himself worthy of the title of viscount.​

This presents the same amount of information, minus his 17th birthday but that can be detailed later, with less reading time and mental bandwidth spent, allowing readers to better absorb the information given.

Every inefficient punctuation mark, every backwards reference to information already presented, every non-literary (and even literary) confounded sentence structure gets between you and the image you're trying to convey.

The rest needs some minor dressing up, but any beta reader can help you with that, it is much better than the first version though.

 

[greyblob]

Understood! Word isn't giving me any of those red squiggly lines so I assumed everything was fine and dandy. I'll try to check out what Grammarly has to say :DD

grammarly is more in-depth - shows run-ons, vocab recommendations, redundancy, etc..

 

[NobleTalon]

https://www.scribblehub.com/series/...ccidentally-got-transferred-to-another-world/

Hello! I'm really motivated to start working on this novel, so a quick feedback or some form of critique would be a great help!

I haven't really ironed out the details yet, so I tried to keep the synopsis as vague as possible without compromising on the "pull" aspect, though I'm not sure if it worked out as I intended it to be.

It's a good synopsis, but a bit too long for my taste. You should shorten it a little bit.

And please, rename your MC if he is a male. I know fantasy authors like to use french names when they talk about noblesse, but Cecil(e) is a female name in french and it's a little bit disturbing to follow a guy with a girly name.

The male version of Cecile is Cecilien, but I don't know if it sounds good to English natives. Cecil without the 'e' can, in theory, be used for boys, but it's very girly and nobody really uses this name for males.

If his last name is Auguste and you want to rename your MC with a name close to Cecil(e) to keep the french vibe, you can try Cédrique/Cedric, Célestin, Célio, Célian/Caelan

 

[Deeprotsorcerer]

And please, rename your MC if he is a male. I know fantasy authors like to use french names when they talk about noblesse, but Cecil(e) is a female name in french and it's a little disturbing to follow a guy with a girly name.

Meh, it's a masculine Welsh name. It checks out for me.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cecil_(given_name)

Then again, I named my protagonist Olive...

 

[LasagnaOverlord]

Ya did it again!

View attachment 12065
​

The issue here isn't that the sentence isn't grammatically correct (it is correct save for the need for a comma after nobility). It's that when paired with the rest of the paragraph it comes out as choppy and overly laconic because you've used an entire fullstop on a very small piece of information before referencing the same bit right after without using literary language or anything. It just feels weird. Try this:


This presents the same amount of information, minus his 17th birthday but that can be detailed later, with less reading time and mental bandwidth spent, allowing readers to better absorb the information given.

Every inefficient punctuation mark, every backwards reference to information already presented, every non-literary (and even literary) confounded sentence structure gets between you and the image you're trying to convey.

The rest needs some minor dressing up, but any beta reader can help you with that, it is much better than the first version though.

Yikes! I'll just get rid of it, hahaha. Perhaps it may have become a force of habit because I was exposed to so many texts that was patterned the same way.

It's a good synopsis, but a bit too long for my taste. You should shorten it a little bit.

And please, rename your MC if he is a male. I know fantasy authors like to use french names when they talk about noblesse, but Cecil(e) is a female name in french and it's a little bit disturbing to follow a guy with a girly name.

The male version of Cecile is Cecilien, but I don't know if it sounds good to English natives. Cecil without the 'e' can, in theory, be used for boys, but it's very girly and nobody really uses this name for males.

If his last name is Auguste and you want to rename your MC with a name close to Cecil(e) to keep the french vibe, you can try Cedric, Celestin, Célio, Célian, Caelan

Hmmm, wasn't aware that it was a feminine name. I didn't really think about the name in-depth, so I might have to rethink it based on what you said.

Anyways, I've very much thankful to everyone who participated in this thread! It really helped. I was feeling a bit miffed by the first version of the synopsis I posted, and the comments you guys provided really paved the way for the revised one.