Ask Stone or Ink for Feedback. (Closeddd)

[StoneInky]

Alright. I'll ask for Stone. Because I want to get thrown rocks at but also because I need solid criticism about what I write.
Alright. Here's the novel.

Stone doesn't mean lots of criticism. Stone just means... detailed. When you think your work is perfect and overlook the smaller problems. :)

Good luckkkk!

Spoiler: Review on Hateful World and Burning Memories

First Impressions:

The title is not capitalized. Why is it not? It also offers very little about what the story will be about. I hope it's some sort of symbolic meaning that gets explained later on, but if your story isn't going to have a vague and mystical tone, this might mislead readers.

The cover is okay. I don't love it or hate it. I do wonder if the person on the cover is the MC or not, since you have the tags 'Monster Protagonist'. It makes it easy to misunderstand, which would affect future readers.

The synopsis's paragraph:

Reincarnation... Cheat abilities, family, wealth, true love...
All of that in other worlds or realities. How nice

is pure confusion. Does this character have these things in other worlds or realities? Is 'reincarnation' included in the 'all of that'? I think you mean 'other characters who reincarnate in other novels get cheat abilites, family, wealth, and true love; but I get nothing,' but the delivery forces the reader to reread and untangle the words to figure it out.

The next paragraph is the one that actually explains what the plotline will be about, and the background, but even this is vague. I am unsure if you established this atmosphere on purpose. Either way I think you could benefit from a tad more detail, and removing some ellipses? Right now, your tags are doing too much of the work. Even adding that your MC is female, a lone monster, villain, etc, would help.

The good news is that the synopsis establishes the main character of your story, and the general plot. It's a tad vague, but good enough to beckon readers closer and not scare them away, lmao.


Thoughts on Early Chapters:

The starting scene is a great idea. I like this scene being at the front. We know what's going on, and the general plot isn't confusing. People familiar with the trope will know there's going to be rebirth in the game after death.

The delivery is weak, however. I dislike the switching POVs. This paragraph is from what I assume is the protagonist's POV:

The "soul" did not want to see this scene. It had seen it countless times already. Countless times while trying to find a good end route for this hellish game.

But the paragraph after is from someone else's POV:

The figure watched his chat getting hyped surely for the last time. In less than a day, the game would shut down after all.

So the result is confusing. There is also no description that helps the reader understand what is happening. No need for long exposition, but just a few lines showing things starting with a dude playing a video game would help. Just describing him in his chair and clicking on the mouse, etc.

The narrative perspective also changes later within the same chapter:

That streamer... that was me. Straal. While some enjoy playing gacha games and other were raging with Souls-like, I was focused on RPG's. JRPG's more precisely.

More confusion. Now I'm confused whether this dude is the MC, or whether the 'soul' is the actual MC of this novel. I suggest you make it all clear in the synopsis.

Next we get lots of dialogue. It's a tad long, so I think you should shorten things, but I found some lines I really like here. This one:

Seriously, why did the dev begin a romance route with her if we can't even talk to her until the last fight..."

Just be honest, you just wanted a romance route with Wrath, we know you

I think this implies that the MC is going to be Wrath? And the MC is the soul who is being forced to reincarnate over and over again? The synopsis is murky, so I could be wrong, but this is one of my favoriteeeee fantasy tropes so I'm excited. Lmao. Also I'm reminded of RepresentingWrath on this site for some reason. Imagine them as a female game chara!

I like the numbers counting down to make things less sudden and more gradual. We can tell that something serious is about to happen, lmao, that something will happen to the MC. The only problem is that they are sandwiched between sooo much exposition.

In fact, everything after this paragraph is exposition:

In real life, my name's Jean. I'm a pretty normal citizen. Relatively good salary from a job in bio-engineering, a comfortable house and a childhood-friend turned-girlfriend. Her name ? Liz. As my chat mentioned.

I felt the urge to skip everything mentioned.

The protagonist's voice is very quirky and pleasant to read. I like him. His voice is also consistent, and sounds realistic.

However, the way you describe his relationship with his girlfriend feels generic and boring? She feels like an NPC, not a real character, with mechanic dialogue and 'blushing'. Then you explain the relationship with this line:

Even though we had been seven years in a relationship, we still had our moments of shyness.

Which only serves to make the relationship feel even more fake and empty. I suggest removing said relationship entirely, or making it feel more subtle in the background.

A bunch of robots appear and snipe at the couple. It's very rushed and sudden. You try to explain the robots using a paragraph of exposition, but it doesn't really help.

The pacing goes from slow lumps of exposition, to quick action that is not described and is over in a few sentences:

The droid opened fire. Obviously, Liz and I both tripped on a corpse it just sniped.

It was anticlimatic for me.

I continued reading, and things got even faster. The MC was reborn. I had trouble envisioning where the MC was, what things looked like, how the wyrms moved, etc, because you never described or showed anything. You just explained the settings and backstory. The dialogue was very fun, but the scene itself didn't feel as awesome as it could have been.

More lines I liked:

"Rah ! You little spitfire ! Did you just release you first breath ?! Kalia ! have you seen this ?! It's not even a day old and its already spitting fire !

Again, it's really sad because the dialogue and scene ideas themselves are good.

The 'telling, not showing' problem continues until the very end of the chapter. It ends with Raya dying again, but instead of feeling fun and tense, it feels flat because you never built things enough. I quit here because of it.


Conclusion:

The novel has a very fun concept, setting, and the protagonist's voice is likeable and fun. The scenes were cleverly chosen and placed. However, your pacing is whack. The middle moments drag because of the exposition, but the end rushes through the execution, and doesn't describe anything. I suggest editing and adding lots of sensory details to make the scenes hit properly.

Remember, show not tell!

 

[Esia]

Stone doesn't mean lots of criticism. Stone just means... detailed. If you think your work is perfect and need to be reminded that it isn't. :)

Good luckkkk!

Spoiler: Review on Hateful World and Burning Memories

First Impressions:

The title is not capitalized. Why is it not? It also offers very little about what the story will be about. I hope it's some sort of symbolic meaning that gets explained later on, but if your story isn't going to have a vague and mystical tone, this might mislead readers.

The cover is okay. I don't love it or hate it. I do wonder if the person on the cover is the MC or not, since you have the tags 'Monster Protagonist'. It makes it easy to misunderstand, which would affect future readers.

The synopsis's paragraph:

is pure confusion. Does this character have these things in other worlds or realities? Is 'reincarnation' included in the 'all of that'? I think you mean 'other characters who reincarnate in other novels get cheat abilites, family, wealth, and true love; but I get nothing,' but the delivery forces the reader to reread and untangle the words to figure it out.

The next paragraph is the one that actually explains what the plotline will be about, and the background, but even this is vague. I am unsure if you established this atmosphere on purpose, but I think you could benefit from a tad more detail, and removing some ellipses? Right now, your tags are doing too much of the work. Even adding that your MC is female, a lone monster, villain, etc, would help.

The good news is that the synopsis establishes the main character of your story, and the general plot. It's a tad vague, but good enough to beckon readers closer and not scare them away, lmao.


Thoughts on Early Chapters:

The starting scene is a great idea. I like this scene being at the front. We know what's going on, and the general plot isn't confusing. People familiar with the trope will know there's going to be rebirth in the game after death.

The delivery is weak, however. I dislike the switching POVs. This paragraph is from what I assume is the protagonist's POV:

But the paragraph after is from someone else's POV:

So the result is confusing. There is also no description that helps the reader understand what is happening. No need for long exposition, but just a few lines showing things starting with a dude playing a video game would help. Just describing him in his chair and clicking on the mouse, etc.

The narrative perspective also changes later within the same chapter:

More confusion. Now I'm confused whether this dude is the MC, or whether the 'soul' is the actual MC of this novel. I suggest you make it all clear in the synopsis.

Next we get lots of dialogue. It's a tad long, so I think you should shorten things, but I found some lines I really like here. This one:


I think this implies that the MC is going to be Wrath? And the MC is the soul who is being forced to reincarnate over and over again? The synopsis is murky, so I could be wrong, but this is one of my favoriteeeee fantasy tropes so I'm excited. Lmao. Also I'm reminded of RepresentingWrath on this site for some reason. Imagine them as a female game chara!

I like the numbers counting down to make things less sudden and more gradual. We can tell that something serious is about to happen, lmao, that something will happen to the MC. The only problem is that they are sandwiched between sooo much exposition.

In fact, everything after this paragraph is exposition:

I felt the urge to skip everything mentioned.

The protagonist's voice is very quirky and pleasant to read. I like him. His voice is also consistent, and sounds realistic.

However, the way you describe his relationship with his girlfriend feels generic and boring? She feels like an NPC, not a real character, with mechanic dialogue and 'blushing'. Then you explain the relationship with this line:

Which only serves to make the relationship feel even more fake and empty. I suggest removing said relationship entirely, or making it feel more subtle in the background.

A bunch of robots appear and snipe at the couple. It's very rushed and sudden. You try to explain the robots using a paragraph of exposition, but it doesn't really help.

The pacing goes from slow lumps of exposition, to quick action that is not described and is over in a few sentences:

It was anticlimatic for me.

I continued reading, and things got even faster. The MC was reborn. I had trouble envisioning where the MC was, what things looked like, how the wyrms moved, etc, because you never described or showed anything. You just explained the settings and backstory. The dialogue was very fun, but the scene itself didn't feel as awesome as it could have been.

More lines I liked:

Again, it's really sad because the dialogue and scene ideas themselves are good.

The 'telling, not showing' problem continues until the very end of the chapter. It ends with Raya dying again, but instead of feeling fun and tense, it feels flat because you never built things enough. I quit here because of it.


Conclusion:

The novel has a very fun concept, setting, and the protagonist's voice is likeable and fun. The scenes were cleverly chosen and placed. However, your pacing is whack. The middle moments drag because of the exposition, but the end rushes through the execution, and doesn't describe anything. I suggest editing and adding lots of sensory details to make the scenes hit properly.

Remember, show not tell!

@Akkizakura you are next! Good luck!

 

[StoneInky]

@Esia @Macha no feedbacks for you Ao3 shills.

It's my turn now.
I will ask for Ink.

The idea behind this one is really fun! It's just the delivery that's questionable. I think it just needs a polish and edit.

Spoiler: Review on Cinderella Rebirth

First Impressions:

I love the titleeee! Instant vibes. You can just feel the angsty angry romance. The cover gave me a classical feel too, so it's perfect. It instantly hooked me in. You have to wonder what Cinderella Rebirth would mean.

The synopsis was a tad long in the middle? If I were a casual skimming reader, I may have passed by this novel just because of that. I'm too lazy to read big blocky paragraphs, lmao. I like how the synopsis ends, though. Again, instant vibes and hook. I'm not confused, I know exactly what to look forward to, and I am really looking forward to b*tchy Cinderella.

Thoughts on Early Chapters:

I like the drama in the prologue! Sadly I'm confused. Where is Cinderella? Who are all these people, and what are their relation to her? I skim pass the confusing stuff, I assume it's just Cinderella being miserable, and the ending roughly tells me I'm right. Good news, it's just the prologue, which is probably not important.

On to Chapter one! As I thought, the first part isn't confusing here! I am still annoyed seeing the new names and stuff, but I just focus on key words like 'Prince' and 'King' and 'Queen Cinderella' and hopefully I have everything down. The multiple ways to address the same character is annoying too, like the princess being called 'the flower', 'the princess', and also by her name.

I skip past the exposition because there is a lot of it. I dislike the telling over showing:

After her wedding with the Prince, everything went smooth. Ella was so happy beyond belief. But her happiness didn't last long. Their kingdom went into a war. For the sake of peace, the Prince had to go to the front lines, leading the troops. He came back safely short after, even bringing a solution to resolve the war. But this solution of his was precisely the thing that made Ella broken. He brought back that nation's Princess, telling the King that he wished to made peace by forming a marriage alliance. The King was dumbfounded. Yes, it was a good solution, he agreed. But his son had married a few months ago, and he liked that daughter-in-law of his very much.

Until I realize, oops, this paragraph is important. Without it, I can't understand the fun dialogue! Go backkk... and force myself to slog through. Urgh. I wondered whether to quit here. But I have to see b*tchy Cinderella before I leave...

Actually, that princess woman. I thought she was the Prince's sister because she is called the 'Princess'. Then I see this line:

"Your Majesty, I also feel like marrying him," the flower beside the Prince started to talk, "I love him, and I'm okay with him having a concubine."

And my brain goes, no way... this isn't such a degenerate novel, right? I go back to the synopsis, but it isn't clear. It takes me a while to realize that by 'Princess', you meant a princess from another kingdom. Whew.

More long paragraphs with explanation that I skip because I just want to see Cinderella going b*tchy. That is what I came for, and I am going to see it.

Cinderella is reborn. First thing she does is seduce(?) her papa into staying. It was a tad more rushed and anticlimatic than I thought, but hey. She got what she wanted. I think I'm getting a feel for how things will go now, less dramatic and emotional, more comedic.

It's working quite well, in fact. The comedy was already implied in the synopsis, and the same tone consistently carries over in the novel, so I'm getting exactly what I expected. That is rare in novels, lmao. The scenes themselves aren't fussy and quickly get to the point. Revenge stories also typically have annoying protagonists, but Cinderella is not. I like her a lot, and I'm rooting for her.

Cinderella's stepmother appears in chapter two. I'm confused? I thought Cinderella won the match. Why are the stepmom and stepsis showing up now? There's not any scene in between explaining, but I get the gist of what's going on, so this doesn't matter. More telling instead of showing, like this line:

After a moment of pause, Mrs Tucker grabbed Ella's hands and pretended to praise Ella. At first, she was astonished, how can a creature so perfect existed, and rage flamed her heart. But if she wants her scheme to succeed, she had to play this little doll here first. Mrs Tucker didn't realize, though, that disgust was clearly written all over Ella's flawless face when she took Ella's hand into hers.

It reads like a stage script instead of a proper novel. The telling is hidden in between the dialogue and showing, so it's difficult to just ignore. I quit about at the end of chapter 2 because of this. I felt like I was being told the settings behind a story rather than being shown it unfold.

 

[Akkizakura]

The idea behind this one is really fun! It's just the delivery that's questionable. I think it just needs a polish and edit.

Spoiler: Review on Cinderella Rebirth

First Impressions:

I love the titleeee! Instant vibes. You can just feel the angsty angry romance. The cover gave me a classical feel too, so it's perfect. It instantly hooked me in. You have to wonder what Cinderella Rebirth would mean.

The synopsis was a tad long in the middle? If I were a casual skimming reader, I may have passed by this novel just because of that. I'm too lazy to read big blocky paragraphs, lmao. I like how the synopsis ends, though. Again, instant vibes and hook. I'm not confused, I know exactly what to look forward to, and I am really looking forward to b*tchy Cinderella.

Thoughts on Early Chapters:

I like the drama in the prologue! Sadly I'm confused. Where is Cinderella? Who are all these people, and what are their relation to her? I skim pass the confusing stuff, I assume it's just Cinderella being miserable, and the ending roughly tells me I'm right. Good news, it's just the prologue, which is probably not important.

On to Chapter one! As I thought, the first part isn't confusing here! I am still annoyed seeing the new names and stuff, but I just focus on key words like 'Prince' and 'King' and 'Queen Cinderella' and hopefully I have everything down. The multiple ways to address the same character is annoying too, like the princess being called 'the flower', 'the princess', and also by her name.

I skip past the exposition because there is a lot of it. I dislike the telling over showing:

Until I realize, oops, this paragraph is important. Without it, I can't understand the fun dialogue! Go backkk... and force myself to slog through. Urgh. I wondered whether to quit here. But I have to see b*tchy Cinderella before I leave...

Actually, that princess woman. I thought she was the Prince's sister because she is called the 'Princess'. Then I see this line:

And my brain goes, no way... this isn't such a degenerate novel, right? I go back to the synopsis, but it isn't clear. It takes me a while to realize that by 'Princess', you meant a princess from another kingdom. Whew.

More long paragraphs with explanation that I skip because I just want to see Cinderella going b*tchy. That is what I came for, and I am going to see it.

Cinderella is reborn. First thing she does is seduce(?) her papa into staying. It was a tad more rushed and anticlimatic than I thought, but hey. She got what she wanted. I think I'm getting a feel for how things will go now, less dramatic and emotional, and more comedic.

It's working quite well, in fact. The comedy was already implied in the synopsis, and the same tone consistently carries over in the novel, so I'm getting exactly what I expected. That is rare in novels, lmao. The scenes themselves aren't fussy and quickly get to the point. Revenge stories also typically have annoying protagonists, but Cinderella is not. I like her a lot, and I'm rooting for her.

Cinderella's stepmother appears in chapter two. I'm confused? I thought Cinderella won the match. Why are the stepmom and stepsis showing up now? There's not any scene in between explaining, but I get the gist of what's going on, so this doesn't matter. More telling instead of showing, like this line:


It reads like a stage script instead of a proper novel. The telling is hidden in between the dialogue and showing, so it's difficult to just ignore. I quit about at the end of chapter 2 because of this. I felt like I was being told the settings behind a story rather than being shown it unfold.

Alright. More showing. Less telling.

 

[Naash]

Stone doesn't mean lots of criticism. Stone just means... detailed. When you think your work is perfect and overlook the smaller problems. :)

Good luckkkk!

Thanks for the feedback~
Guess that it's editing time.

 

[Yuin]

Hii can I please get STONE for my story?

 

[StoneInky]

Ink.

(Pick whatever you want-nya)

X

X + 1

X + 2

I chose the first one, because I'm too lazy to choose the second or third ones.

Spoiler: Review on Re:Reincarnation

First Impressions:

The cover. As I'm a Korean person, I can tell the words on the cover mean: 'The world will soon end'. I searched it up, but there weren't any novels with the same words as your title. The average reader wouldn't know this, though, they wouldn't bother to search, and would assume this is a translated novel. People might flag or report your story due to this.

The title explains very little, but the 'Reincarnation' and the cover implies a fantasy novel. The guy looks hot, and is drawn in pretty anime style. However, I do not see 'Fantasy genre' on your tags, so this confuses me a lot.

Onto the synopsis, which is just one line. If I were the average reader, I would likely not even open the novel at all. Readers often assume the effort you put into your synopsis and cover is the same as the effort you put into the novel. If they don't like the introduction that does the marketing, they don't click.


Thoughts on Early Chapters:

First thing I see when I open the novel is waves of blocky text. It is not very fun to expect a supernatural drama, and click to see lots and lots of philosophical monologue... without knowing why you have to care about the characters. There's also a lot of repetition there, so it feels even more redundant. I cannot get invested.

I pondered whether to quit here. This is 'Episode 0', so I assume the monologue is something similar to a prologue? I skip it all, and just hope that the later parts will be more interesting.

Episode 1. The protagonist finally appears in person. There is no action or plot or anything that lets me even guess what this story is going to be about. It's all buried in the sea of monologue, more stuff about the philosophical thoughts of the MC. I'm left scrolling and hoping for something fun to show up.

The novel is weirdly polished. I think you put too much effort into the polish and not enough into the big skeletal structure of the work. Either that, or you use the Butler as an easy fix. But it never is.

"So you are asleep. That means I can do anything I want to you."

???

A hand touched me. The soft finger was warm—it touched my stomach and traced off below it.

Oh? I said I was waiting for something fun to show up, but this is... is this smutty? I... I am not prepared!

I looked around. There was a boy—pretty young, with a pretty face. A strikingly beautiful face, with lustrous silver hair and red eyes. Compared to me, he was handsome—annoyingly so.

!!! BL??? I go back and search the tags. Oh my. Then I come back, disappointed, as there was no BL tag.

In that case, what the heck is happening? What is the plot? The setting? The story? I know who the protagonist is, and their long bits of monologue, but I know nothing else. Not only that, there is so little happening that I feel like I'm stuck in a slog along with the MC. I quit here.

 

[FieryLou]

So, you have two modes, the stonback and inkback right?

 

[CharlesEBrown]

"Let he who is without sin Ink the first Stone"?

 

[StoneInky]

I'm always on the lookout for reads!

Ink me!!!

A very nice novel that broke my expectations. Adding that I think I'm not the target audience? It feels more traditional and niche than like a typical online novel, so I'm unsure whether my feedback would help. Good luck!

Spoiler: Review on Can you Conquer the World with Martial Arts?

First Impression:

The title is simple and rough. The cover has this pretty gradient color and font that remind me of a game. Add in the girl in a modern fancy dress with blonde hair, and it gives 'Legend of Zelda' vibes somehow.

The synopsis is background exposition. It doesn't hook me in since it doesn't tell me who the protagonist of this novel is, or what the plot is. My best guess is a world-focused, serious novel with political intrigue, drama, and lots of original world building. The word 'regressed' gives apocalypse vibes, and 'warlords' make me think this novel is going to have them as the main characters.

The writing itself looks very good and coherent, though. I assume the novel is going to be niche but high quality.

Most readers are too lazy to check the tags, but I did for this novel. I expected a novel with a male protagonist, or a male audience in mind... until I saw 'Female Protagonist', Multiple Protagonist' tags, and no 'GL' tag. I explored the tags some more, and I found Ancient China? There was no GameLit/LitRPG tag. This contradicts the vibes of the cover. If I did not check the tags, I would have gone in with false expectations.


Thoughts on Early Chapters:

The novel starts with background info on Wei Qing, who is obviously introduced as not the protagonist. I skim through the paragraph with long explanations and get to the point.

A woman beckons him. This woman is obviously one of the protagonists. The descriptions are long, but gorgeous:

His eyes ran across the spacious room, illuminated by nothing but a speck of moonlight seeping through the closed window. In the large bed on the other end of the room, with only her head above the covers, a woman lied on her back, her long hair haphazardly thrown about across her pillow and sheets.

Wei Qing parted her lips with his thumb, ogling at the pearly whites and tongue underneath. The breathing Wei Qing felt on his moist fingers was deep and steady.

I can imagine the whole room, the beautiful woman, and Wei Qing sneaking in there about to get his face slapped. I am waiting for that to happen, lmao. Then it happens! The woman opens her eyes and breaks him!

I expected the paragraphs to be shorter and action focused, but they are too long. The atmosphere isn't right. It's not as fun as I expected. I skip the rest of the chapter and move onto Chapter 2...

It turns out the stuff I skipped was important. We have a new guy named Bai Guo who I know nothing about, so I go back to complete Chapter 1.

Chapter 1. I notice right before I skipped, in the middle of chapter 1, there was a POV switch? I thought after Wei Qing died, logically Chapter 1 would end, and Chapter 2 would start from the woman's POV, so the rest would just be exposition. But the chapter did not end. It continued.

At this point I'm tired of being confused. The story itself has nice plot and high quality prose, though... and I think I'm starting to understand things. The plot is really interesting and not convoluted, so that helps. I return to Chapter 2.

The conversation is fun at first, playful and light... then it slowly turns boring. It's too long. I skim it and go to the later half of Chapter 2. Bai Guo starts monologuing. It feels like I'm reading a long explanation about a person escaping, instead of being there with him. The descriptions are fantastic. It just feels like a documentary. Too impersonal without tension or feeling.

I quit here. I couldn't get into the characters deeply, and the scenes had a nice concept but felt too draggy. I have a preference for stories with strong characterization over world building, so take my thoughts as a hint of salt! Lol.

 

[SuperMushroom]

A very nice novel that broke my expectations. Adding that I think I'm not the target audience? It feels more traditional and niche than like a typical online novel, so I'm unsure whether my feedback would help. Good luck!

Spoiler: Review on Can you Conquer the World with Martial Arts?

First Impression:

The title is simple and rough. The cover has this pretty gradient color and font that remind me of a game. Add in the girl in a modern fancy dress with blonde hair, and it gives 'Legend of Zelda' vibes somehow.

The synopsis is background exposition. It doesn't hook me in since it doesn't tell me who the protagonist of this novel is, or what the plot is. My best guess is a world-focused, serious novel with political intrigue, drama, and lots of original world building. The word 'regressed' gives apocalypse vibes, and 'warlords' make me think this novel is going to have them as the main characters.

The writing itself looks very good and coherent, though. I assume the novel is going to be niche but high quality.

Most readers are too lazy to check the tags, but I did for this novel. I expected a novel with a male protagonist, or a male audience in mind... until I saw 'Female Protagonist', Multiple Protagonist' tags, and no 'GL' tag. I explored the tags some more, and I found Ancient China? There was no GameLit/LitRPG tag. This contradicts the vibes of the cover. If I did not check the tags, I would have gone in with false expectations.


Thoughts on Early Chapters:

The novel starts with background info on Wei Qing, who is obviously introduced as not the protagonist. I skim through the paragraph with long explanations and get to the point.

A woman beckons him. This woman is obviously one of the protagonists. The descriptions are long, but gorgeous:



I can imagine the whole room, the beautiful woman, and Wei Qing sneaking in there about to get his face slapped. I am waiting for that to happen, lmao. Then it happens! The woman opens her eyes and breaks him!

I expected the paragraphs to be shorter and action focused, but they are too long. The atmosphere isn't right. It's not as fun as I expected. I skip the rest of the chapter and move onto Chapter 2...

It turns out the stuff I skipped was important. We have a new guy named Bai Guo who I know nothing about, so I go back to complete Chapter 1.

Chapter 1. I notice right before I skipped, in the middle of chapter 1, there was a POV switch? I thought after Wei Qing died, logically Chapter 1 would end, and Chapter 2 would start from the woman's POV, so the rest would just be exposition. But the chapter did not end. It continued.

At this point I'm tired of being confused. The story itself has nice plot and high quality prose, though... and I think I'm starting to understand things. The plot is really interesting and not convoluted, so that helps. I return to Chapter 2.

The conversation is fun at first, playful and light... then it slowly turns boring. It's too long. I skim it and go to the later half of Chapter 2. Bai Guo starts monologuing. It feels like I'm reading a long explanation about a person escaping, instead of being there with him. The descriptions are fantastic. It just feels like a documentary. Too impersonal without tension or feeling.

I quit here. I couldn't get into the characters deeply, and the scenes had a nice concept but felt too draggy. I have a preference for stories with strong characterization over world building, so take my thoughts as a hint of salt! Lol.

Thanks for reading!

 

[StoneInky]

Oh damn. Was just nutted on by Tempokai a few days ago. Seems like I'm torturing both the characters and the readers too much from the feedback I got.

Though I would like to hear from another perspective to see if I could traumati- I mean intrigue you with my story. In other words, Ink it.

I said no haremmm! I dunno how to give reviews to harem novels cuz I never read em!

Anyway. monologue was too long for my taste. You started the novel off with a bucketload of explanations, and I was boredddd. I thought this was harem! Why no pretty ladies and fanservice? I dislike em, sure, but they would be better than... being given absolutely nothing. Why the meandering and musing for an entire chapter???

Lmao. I read Temp's review. As always, the god is right. Nothing more to add.

 

[yasa]

I said no haremmm!

It's barely even a harem though, plus there's nothing resembling that for the next 50+ chapters or so

I thought this was harem! Why no pretty ladies and fanservice? I dislike em, sure, but they would be better than... being given absolutely nothing.

Mmhmm, it's not necessarily about what exiting thing that happens since it's mostly about the exploration of politics and philosophy and such, some psychology too, so it's very niche and rarely written on a webnovel format

Why the meandering and musing for an entire chapter???

Hehe, because a pretentious gremlin overly wrote it
Welp, I hope you enjoyed not enjoying it though.

 

[StoneInky]

Thank you for the feedback! I must confess, I'm a pantser by nature so the finer details like pacing is whack but I'll do my best to polish the story up once I'm done writing~ I'd def appreciate it if you can continue giving feedback on the rest of the story!

I read the rest of ittt! Yayyyy. I think we have similar styles!

Spoiler: Bonus! The Best Revenge is Becoming a Villainess

Bonus! Thoughts on the Overall Story:

The novel's good points continue until the end. Characters. Pacing. Prose.

After Estella and the Witch's kiss, which was a tad abrupt, we move into Estella exploring the phone? It was fun but an abrupt tone shift. I think it would have been nicer if we'd ended with Estella stopping in the middle of testing her phone, and hugging herself and wordlessly screaming because she's reminded of the Witch, lol. That would wrap up the tone of the chapter and unify it.

The next chapter has the characters framing Gerald's death as an accident. Again, it's fun but switches over to the next chapter too abruptly. It feels like things ended unfinished. I noticed you seem to have a preference for these type of endings? They aren't bad, but can feel repetitive if used constantly.

Then you show Marcus and the Witch. I like the entire interaction and the dialogue. In fact, I don't think I've skipped or skimmed anything in this novel, lmao, which is rare for me. Here we dive into the Witch's backstory abruptly, and are also told about a sub-plotline. There's a party against Estella. It's assumed the characters have to do something about it. It is a nice objective, but things lack clarity, and since the specifics are vague, it feels sudden, abrupt and directionless.

The problem with clarity continues. I am unsure what the characters actually accomplished in the party? I see they talked to the dude in charge, shook hands, and met someone called Robin. Who snuck them...out of said party again? So how would this affect the gathering against Estella that I presumed the characters were there to stop? What exactly is the goal here? I suggest slowing the pacing and getting more into the party and showing us more?

Later we get new info and backstory on the Witch. Which is great, but abrupt. The situation went from stopping the gathering, to talking about how the Witch was condemned. The Witch seems to have zero qualms about revealing her identity to the side characters, which does not seem like a clever move. This can break character consistency or feel annoying if a reason is not shown later. I have considered that the inconsistency may come from attempting to show the Witch as an impressive figure, who slowly becomes more approachable in Estella's eyes. In that case, it is too abrupt a switch, and too vaguely done. Things feel surface deep.

Later, we are told the entire party fiasco was solved by...Robin just doing everything. It feels anticlimatic.

The plot about things veering off track, and the Templars and the goddess, is fantastic. I'm guessing it's your way of weaving together Estella and Alice's plotlines? Not too drawn out and boring, not too simple, I like it.

Chapter 18's dialogue felt too convenient. It ended on a good note.

Chapter 19 and onward. Just like in the party, things feel directionless and floaty. Vague. There is an overall direction, but as the reader, we get no minor goals or things to focus on. The plot moves on without the knowledge of the readers, and it's not an exciting action scene, intuitive, or done on purpose, either. It feels like someone just randomly wrote stuff that works at 3AM. This make the stakes feel shallow instead of actually dangerous.


Conclusion:

It was a very enjoyable read. I loved the backstory and the overall plotline. I just felt the novel lacks polish, and is not fully fleshed out in some places. I think your writing style is similar to mine, lmao, I'm also a pantser, so I can tell things feel slightly wonky and empty where there should be a touch more serious detail, grounding things down, and creating tension. The story is great, but not perfect. Good luck!

 

[sbdrag]

I could go for an ink on my slice-of-life romcom, if it catches your interest! No worries if not lol

(BL, no harem, first smut scene isn't until chapter 7 ish and there's only about one per 13+ chapters (or double...) after that sans side stories, and they're pretty telegraphed for skipping)
https://www.scribblehub.com/series/1261463/demon-kings-gardener/

 

[nyankat]

Could i ask for a Stone of my story? I've been really trying to put decent prose together, and also rolled up a lot of pretty serious topics. It's very very queer, very trans-y: There's basically no such thing as something that might even _look_ like "cishet" to us in this universe. Also I've got plenty of experience receiving pretty blunt/brutal critiques of stuff I've poured my heart and soul into because of other art stuff, so I'm happy to take whatever you throw my way and I'll sort through it as needed :)

Requirements-wise:
1. There's an "Imperial Harem" tag because there will be, eventually, a _political_ Imperial Harem, in the traditional sense. This won't look anything like the "harem" genre in anime/etc where it's just a lot of characters interested in one. The Emperor is just a Big Bad and we don't like him. None of this is anywhere in the story right now and won't be for a while. Think Apothecary Diaries but much less feelgood.
2. There's intimate scenes. They all fade to black just as things are getting spicy, but they do get somewhat explicit before then. Still, they're character-centered and a small % of the story.

Fell from the Crow’s Nest

Fell from the Crow’s Nest is a grand Age of Sail adventure that follows the hodgepodge crew of the pirate ship Kalida as it sails across Thulathiun: a priest who tried to escape oppression only to be saved from certain death by becoming a pirate, a doctor seeking freedom...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[StoneInky]

Hi! i would love some developmental critque, I'd love to know what I'm doing wrong

The Shadow Guard and Her Princess

When the emperor thrusts the seven imperial heirs into a struggle for the throne, Shadow Guard Three becomes the Third Princess’s only knife. But having spent her whole life killing for the throne, the deadly imperial competition drives away any chance Three might have for a happy ending. With...

www.scribblehub.com

I understanddd the difficulty in balancing tone and atmosphere, lmao. Sameeeeee.

Spoiler: Review of The Shadow Guard and her Princess

First Impressions:

The title and cover is straightforward. It looks like Ancient China, and the novel is about Ancient China. Never seen that happen before, so this is a big win.

The paragraphs in the synopsis are not double spaced, they are single spaced. This makes things look like one giant block of text, and lowers ease in reading. I suggest adding extra spaces.

Except for this one fact, the synopsis looks awesome. It tells exactly what the story is going to be about, the MC, a little on the background, and establishes the atmosphere and tone of the story, while looking high quality, lmao.

Lastly, the tags and content warnings are a nice touch. I like them.


Thoughts on Early Chapters:

The first two lines are beautiful. They hook me in.

The paragraphs after that are confusing. Since both the shadow guard and her victim are women, you use 'she' for both. And you refer to both with different names, like 'the woman' is 'General', 'Three' is 'the shadow guard'. I had to reread three times to figure it out:

The woman lying before the shadow guard was as quiet as the scarred armour she wore. Matted black hair and lean muscle lay limp. The fifty-year-old was, she had to admit, tenacious; most would’ve begged for mercy by now.

This next paragraph gives me the mental image of Three just standing there, throwing her knife into the planks, and said tiger tally popping out in a pocket of air, lmao. I suggest adding extra lines saying she knelt down, and instead of 'pocket of air', go with 'inside a hidden compartment':

Three did not hesitate. She stabbed her black-hilted knife into the pale wooden panels, prying up a good part of the planks with a loud rip. A tiger tally rested in the pocket of air.

I love the descriptions after that on the tiger tally and the general! And the words 'squid arms'. In fact, I like too many sentences that I'll waste time pasting them here, lmao, but I hope you know.

The paragraphs here feel too non-shadow-guard-y. She feels like someone killing for the first time, not a person brainwashed to act without regret or thought. I would suggest shortening her monologue. But I like the nonverbal movements, so I hope you keep those:

Three hesitated, nibbling on her lips. Surely, the emperor wouldn’t forbid her from a night of drunken revelry. Wasn’t it alright? To give this woman a more dignified death?

She wouldn’t be punished for this. She wouldn’t die for this.

This was okay. This was allowed.

More non-shadow-guard-y thoughts. I think it'll hit much harder if you make her thoughts shorter and her actions rougher, so she seems like a heartless executor. Who tries to give the woman the respect she deserves while denying it.

Three lifted the general up with one hand, the other still tightly gripping the tiger tally. She gently placed the body onto the silken bed. A thought, a somewhat perversive one, struck her; tucking the woman’s legs and body under the blanket, she tried to arrange the body to seem as though the woman’s death was a quiet sleep.

Suddenly the paragraphs turn shorter in style at the end, which catch me off guard. The text looks completely different:

But it was not the quiet dignity of the sunrise that caught her attention.

It was the sound of footsteps in the hall.

She spun, knife dancing in her hands.

The scene is well paced and easy to understand, while hinting at something real and deep underneath. The prose, metaphors, descriptions are gorgeous, I wish I could write this well, lmao. Except for a few small details, I can't find anything off with the scene. The characters are consistent too, and I like them all already. It feels so real.

Next chapter.

We start with the emperor. Who is a...woman? That caught me off guard. Again, there is loss of clarity whether the emperor is the pale woman, or the pale woman is someone else. And who is the cursed woman? The beautiful woman? There are too many women. Please unify your ways of addressing people, lol.

Back to what I said on the MC not acting like a shadow guard? Three doesn't have any of the tension, reverence, or subservience a shadow guard would normally have for their master. No, even the emperor's noble subjects wouldn't act as casually as she does. This feels like a break in world logic? It feels like the two are just drinking buddies.

Three shrugged.

‘Besides, you didn’t say I couldn’t be caught.’

Chuckling, she threw one into her mouth and nearly bit her own tongue.

Wow.

The biscuits were glorious. Sweet, with a powdery crunch, she firmly approved of the imperial chef. No wonder the emperor didn’t want to share — if it was her, she wouldn’t want to either.

These sentences were pretty. I liked them, lmao.

But she didn’t complain about the heat as she sidled over across the Hall, neatly taking her place between the men Two and Four.

A soft click echoed behind her. A hard stone on lacquered wood.

This scene was amazing. I like the detail the Emperor uses when she gives a speech on the General's death, and announces the selection of the heir. Nothing is too slow or fast, but everything is relevant. I loveee how Three stands behind the third Princess, yay! They finally meeetttt!

Sidenote, your synopsis has represented the plot perfectly, which is rare. I am getting everything I expected.

The ending for this chapter feels like it could do with extra polish? It is dramatic and cool, but like Chapter 1, it feels like the paragraph lengths got shorter near the ending, abruptly changing both tone and pacing.

Chapter Three. The problem with Three not feeling like a shadow guard continues. It's in very small details, like how she's described 'meekly', or doesn't suppress her thoughts and feelings, which is how shadow guards would be forced to behave. She grins, drawls, rolls her eyes, etc.

I have considered that this may just be her personality. Though her thoughts are rebellious and casual, she may be quietly submissive when forced to. But then Three is assigned to the Princess, and we get their dynamic. Three treats her with disrespect, even when said Princess is serious. This does not feel like a boss and subordinate relationship.

This one detail broke my immersion. Later, Three started pranking even when following the Princess's orders, which was worse. It felt like immature kids bickering. I quit here.


Conclusion:

A beautiful, well paced novel that takes me right into Ancient China. There are lots of pretty women and lesbians. The synopsis actually works and represents the story perfectly. The only major flaw is that the novel has a shadow guard MC, who doesn't feel like a shadow guard.

 

[N.K.Watson]

Hello!
You did a small read for me a while back, when I only had two chapters posted. I have 6 up now! I have made small edits, and someone from another site gave me some grammatical edits as well. I would love it if you could check it out again, maybe the next few chapters? I've been told my pacing is perfect, and I've also been told my pacing is slow. I personally prefer good details and a slow-burn, but i'd love some more feedback!

 

[RiverDain]

Hi!

I’m new to this page and just posted my first story, His Name Was the Chorus. It’s a boys’ love (M/M) story full of slow-burn tension, longing, and emotionally messy characters.

His Name Was the Chorus

Nico Sanchez is a rising musician, determined to make his mark in the unforgiving world of fame. With a fierce belief in his talent, he’s set on chasing his dreams. Jordan Blake is a bestselling author with a carefully managed public persona and a life scripted down to the...

www.scribblehub.com

If you have a moment to check it out and share your thoughts, I’d really appreciate it! Feedback means a lot as I get started. ?

 

[StoneInky]

If you're fine with BL (non-harem, non-smut), I would love to have a stone feedback on my latest story: [QT] Loving an Alien Isn’t That Bad at All

I keep having a nagging feeling that my writing is becoming too mechanical and it's giving me headaches…

As someone who adores QT and BL, I think I was harsh on this one, lmao. Sorry. I can feel the potential, but the execution is a smidge away from perfection. May finish reading in my freetime.

Spoiler: [QT] Loving an Alien Isn’t That Bad at All

First Impression:

The title tells me what to expect. The cover is nice and doesn't look like random slop, lmao.

The synopsis tells me the protagonist is Shen Yuan, and the ML is whoever Shen Yuan is ordered to terminate. It tells me the general tone and vibe of the story, and the background, so I can rest assured this will be decent quality.

Now what I dislike about the synopsis. The way the sentences are structured make them non-intuitive and disconnected from each other. I had to reread several times to understand the contents. Especially this paragraph:

Whether someone lived or died was never his concern, but what end it brought was his job to direct. He was the perfect agent for the military to commission. His job: To wake the great war hero out of his coma. Of course, only after he squeezed their pocket dry did he finally accept.

The synopsis is also written in a way that brings attention to the words 'war hero', but it's said the ML is an enemy, making readers wonder who is the real ML, or whether they are the same person. In a QT BL, readers expect to know who the ML is beforehand.

There is not yet clarity what Shen Yuan's goal is. The writing makes it sound like Shen Yuan has to awaken the General, but it does not explain how that is connected to him having to fight or kill the ML. I think you should pay more attention to clarity.


Thoughts on Early Chapters:

The prose pulls me in. The first few sentences are really good, and it smoothly transitions into a descriptive scene. No abruptness or awkwardness here. The chapter is very well written. You chose the right place to start things in. It's not too confusing or boring, it's just right.

I'll nitpick some details now, lmao.

This paragraph was just a tad long? In any other chapter it would have been fine, but you want to grip people into the novel at chapter one. It was still awesome, but the immersion felt slightly delayed because of this:

This was why he hated non-leather couches. Just because cotton became a luxury after the invasion, the military wanted to show off by having one even though, in fact, leather couches made out of vulture skin were much softer, more durable, and low maintenance. Not to mention, there wouldn’t be any lint getting stuck on their clothes like this.

There's another problem with sentence structure. A few sentences here and there are confusing. This sentence, for example, makes it sound like someone named Irk is tightening his eyebrows:

Irk tightened his eyebrows, and he was about to run out of patience.

This sentence makes it sound like he regretted giving the benefit of the doubt as he was told people were pricks. Not after:

He was told that the people from the Specialist Department were all pretentious pricks and regretted giving the benefit of the doubt.

The dialogue is realistic, and shows Shen Yuan's personality well. I suggest spacing it out into two paragraphs. Other than that, I love the dialogue, and I love Shen Yuan, he is such a clever sassy thing:

“I wouldn’t have one if you had said another 2 sentences because I would be right out of the door.” Shen Yuan switched his overlapping legs and interlaced his hands, resting them on top of his knee. “In short, you want me to wake up your general from his coma by entering his neural space. Nobody has ever attempted this kind of stunt before. Whatever data those scientists whip out, as long as there are no past cases, there is no guarantee it’s completely safe. I want appropriate rewards.”

There is an info dump on the neural chip. I like it being there to clear things up. It made the setting less confusing. However, it also drags down the pacing and felt skimmable, so I suggest tightening the explanation.

This part feels like you sped up the pacing a little. You went slow with tons of descriptions, then switched it abruptly, using one sentence to describe Shen Yuan leaving, and another one for Gao Lang. I suggest adding monologue on Shen Yuan's thoughts like you did at the beginning of the chapter. It'll help with tone and pacing consistency:

“Absurd?” Shen Yuan sneered. “I guess the great war hero isn’t worth this much. Good luck finding another agent.”

He unceremoniously left his seat and headed to the door. Gao Lang gritted his teeth and stopped him just before he turned the handle. “Half a billion.”

Chapter one ends with an info dump about the General. I think you tried to explain away the confusion in the synopsis, but there is too much exposition that slogs down pacing. Everything feels skimmable. But if the reader did skim this part, they would end up confused about this novel. This is a big issue.

Chapter two. It starts off nice, and I love the descriptions, but they drag on for too long. There is no transition to Shen Yuan's sensory details unlike what you did for Chapter one. It feels like you are telling instead of showing, which drops the immersion.

The students around him played and chatted without a care in the world, one of the many things that had gone extinct. Materials like wood and plastic were still abundant enough to be used to make mass-produced furniture and traditional books. One thing he was familiar with was the communicator watch around their wrists which he also had one.

From the textbooks on his desk, he found he was a third-year high school student. His uniform was a set of white blazer and dress pants with a light blue collared shirt and a pair of sleek leather shoes. There was a golden pin on his lapel carved into Roman number 3, indicating his grade.

From this paragraph onwards, the pacing speeds up. Again, you switch the tone and pacing abruptly and write in simple sentences. I suggest adding more sensory and reactive details to make things feel more immersive:

As soon as he thought that, a pulse reverberated through the air. He stepped out of the classroom and followed it downstairs. The closer he got, the stronger the air vibrated.

This issue gets especially bad when Shen Yuan meets Mu Chen. This is the first meeting with the ML, but it feels anticlimatic.

I kept reading, and the charm from Chapter one was gone. It was still good, just not what I expected. If Chapter one was slow and tense, Chapter two and onwards was rushed and without that deep atmosphere and detail. I quit here.


Conclusion:

A novel that has a strong start, interesting plotline, and likeable characters. The dialogue is very fun, and the scenes are chosen well.

However, at times it feels like it's telling instead of showing. This is likely why the novel feels mechanical. The pacing drags with explanations when it shouldn't, and rushes when it needs details to build atsmophere and tension. The synopsis can also benefit from more clarity, but it's a lesser issue compared to this.

It's still a fun novel. Better than many Chinese translation BLs I've seen. It just felt like it could be better.

---

I wonder if I should out my story here lol ??

Caelestialis

SLOW BURN| DARK FANTASY | ROMANTIC ANGST | PROGRESSION In the once-prosperous city of Araes, the disappearance of the deity Razla has plunged the land into chaos. The people suffer, abandoned by their god, while crime and desperation fester in the streets. Dawn is a skilled reluctant thief but...

www.scribblehub.com

Ink or Stone? You have to chooseeeee.