Anyone else struggle to write romance

[Ytiamy]

So, I had a bit of a realization today while writing.

I’m just not a good romance writer. When I read back through my novels, I couldn’t feel the love in the air at all.

That sent me down some internal rabbit holes, and I figured something out: I don’t think I actually like men...or at least, the idea of romance with men. And no, that doesn’t mean I’m a lesbian. I’m a straight woman, and I’ve got nothing against guys.

But I honestly cannot picture romance scenes in my head with anyone. The moment I try, I lose all interest and motivation. I end up slapping some generic fluff on the page just to move on. Maybe it’s trauma response, maybe something else. I’m still unpacking it.

So my question for you all: has anyone else run into this kind of block? If yes, how do you work through it? If no, I’d still love any advice you’ve got.

 

[TheKillingAlice]

So my question for you all: has anyone else run into this kind of block? If yes, how do you work through it? If no, I’d still love any advice you’ve got.

I do, actually. At some point in my life, I realized that I peak at gay romance. But in general, I've always had a problem getting a hang of romance. When I was really young, I'm talking elementary school all the way through seventh grade, I believe, I kind of understood love in a way of possessiveness. That was a deeply ingrained way of understanding for me, but I did realize that was likely not it either. To this day, crystallizing the idea of romance has been trying for me, but especially when a woman is involved, which is likely because I don't like hetero romance. It's weird, and I don't know why that is, that's just how it has always been.
I took my early understandings to a lot of my stories, which are primarily psychological, gory smut (don't ask). And tried writing "ordinary" romance alongside it, but whenever I try writing hetero romance, it's either so slow, it never catches up with the plot, or it's a literal train wreck.
It might be important to state that I'm asexual and aromantic, so I may not be the best person to ask here in the first place.

 

[Eldoria]

So, I had a bit of a realization today while writing.

I’m just not a good romance writer. When I read back through my novels, I couldn’t feel the love in the air at all.

That sent me down some internal rabbit holes, and I figured something out: I don’t think I actually like men...or at least, the idea of romance with men. And no, that doesn’t mean I’m a lesbian. I’m a straight woman, and I’ve got nothing against guys.

But I honestly cannot picture romance scenes in my head with anyone. The moment I try, I lose all interest and motivation. I end up slapping some generic fluff on the page just to move on. Maybe it’s trauma response, maybe something else. I’m still unpacking it.

So my question for you all: has anyone else run into this kind of block? If yes, how do you work through it? If no, I’d still love any advice you’ve got.

There's another possibility: aromantic. This type typically struggles to feel romantically attached to others, has difficulty falling in love, and is more satisfied with planotic relationships (interpersonal relationships based on trust and genuine support).

Regardless, I recommend writing what you enjoy rather than forcing yourself to write something you're not good at. I also struggle to write purely comedic scenes for entertainment; I'm more comfortable writing dark fantasy.

 

[Ytiamy]

Omg, you are right. I have been in relationships. No wonder they didn't last. And yes comedy is also my Krytonite. I am glad there are more people like me.

There's another possibility: aromantic. This type typically struggles to feel romantically attached to others, has difficulty falling in love, and is more satisfied with planotic relationships (interpersonal relationships based on trust and genuine support).

Regardless, I recommend writing what you enjoy rather than forcing yourself to write something you're not good at. I also struggle to write purely comedic scenes for entertainment; I'm more comfortable writing dark fantasy.

 

[Makimaam]

Romance is a difficult genre to get right imo. I hardly ever come across a romance that truly moves me in any medium. So you shouldn’t let that stop you from writing your own romance novel. Just let your own characters guide you forward.

 

[Ytiamy]

I do, actually. At some point in my life, I realized that I peak at gay romance. But in general, I've always had a problem getting a hang of romance. When I was really young, I'm talking elementary school all the way through seventh grade, I believe, I kind of understood love in a way of possessiveness. That was a deeply ingrained way of understanding for me, but I did realize that was likely not it either. To this day, crystallizing the idea of romance has been trying for me, but especially when a woman is involved, which is likely because I don't like hetero romance. It's weird, and I don't know why that is, that's just how it has always been.
I took my early understandings to a lot of my stories, which are primarily psychological, gory smut (don't ask). And tried writing "ordinary" romance alongside it, but whenever I try writing hetero romance, it's either so slow, it never catches up with the plot, or it's a literal train wreck.
It might be important to state that I'm asexual and aromantic, so I may not be the best person to ask here in the first place.

Yeah..!! If real-life love has felt complicated, distant, or even unsafe, of course that's going to show onto the page. Of course I can't manufacture butterflies when my internal reference library is full of static or silence.

Romance is a difficult genre to get right imo. I hardly ever come across a romance that truly moves me in any medium. So you shouldn’t let that stop you from writing your own romance novel. Just let your own characters guide you forward.

You are right. Even though it would be a bit of a let down for my readers.

 

[Zagaroth]

I find cozy romance fairly easy to write, but I've always been a bit of a romantic. The basic formula to me is to start with people who can be friends and have the potential for deep bonds outside of romance, then mix in sexual attraction, and from there build ever deeper bonds of trust and love.

But if you are aromantic, then I can see how friends + sex doesn't automatically meld into a deeper relationship for you.

So, with that in mind, might I offer a suggestion? This is actually based on how I am currently developing things with some younger characters, well past chapter 300 of my serial, though it may want tweaking for your story.

If you want to keep the sexual tension and such, have a character who is specifically and openly only having short term relationships/friends with benefits. The idea is basically that they are on friendly terms and find each other attractive, but their paths overlap for only relatively short periods of time. So, during that time, they simply enjoy each others company (including flirting and sex) without there being anything particularly romantic.

For my particular setting, the people in this situation may repeatedly cross paths, so they usually also have a rule that if they are currently having a fling with someone, and they meet one of their other occasional lovers, there is no switching. Basically, ditching one person to hang with another person is just rude, and I'm carrying that concept across. You don't have to be in love to get your feelings hurt. This means that everyone's expectations are set; if you run into an occasional lover and thinking about hooking up, and they tell you that they are currently seeing someone else, there's no questions about them choosing one person over the other, they are just following the rule set that keeps everyone from getting hurt feelings.

Of course, my setting has some very egalitarian aspects to it, and several of the people in questions are often duty bound to travel a lot, and potentially be gone on multi-year trips once they have enough experience. This rule is not something handed down from above, it's wisdom passed from senior to junior, and spreads out to other people with similar lifestyles. This may not work for what you want to write. But I figured there was no harm in offering the idea.

 

[JayDirex]

#1 Nobody on this site reads romance unless it's Gay. and even then it's usually angst filled because all readers are virgins.

#2 Romance writing is a different beast than the description of "romance"

Pay Attention: Romance writing is Typically about (not entirely, but for a beginner, just listen). It is usually about a grounded character meeting someone different from him/her that kind of motivates them in some strange way, and in an attractive way. and that person is, in most forms, a "Manic Pixie Girl" she's vibrant, she's fun, she's not boring like your grounded MC.

The trick is to have them meet Twice, and then on the second interaction someone makes a move or something happens that they decide to maybe hang out, (depends on whatever your plot needs). Moving Forward is the mystery. as your MC learns about her, he finds himself wanting to spend more time, but she be busy doing crazy stuff because she has a past.

YOUR TRICK, THAT YOU NEED TO PULL OFF, is have this girl long for your MC's grounded-ness, as he, in turn grows in character while white knight saving her

LAUGH ALL YOU EFFING WANT! BUT THAT PLOT ^ RIGHT THERE? THAT PLOT SELLS BILLILONS OF BOOKS EVERY YEAR. It's not rocket science. it's standard fiction. Grounded guy with insecurities meets Manic pixie with insecurities. He falls in love with her whimsy, she gets addicted to his groundedness. He saves her, too easy. don't make it hard.

also the pixie gender DOES NOT MATTER. HE/She/They can take many forms: they can be a Tsundere, kuudere, assassin. IDOL. pick a flavor and run with it.

 

[Ellie_in_Pink]

Romance is like pineapple on pizza. Not for everyone, and a pizza still can be every bit as delicious without it. If you don't enjoy writing it, the reader won't enjoy reading it. So just ... write what you like.

 

[Ytiamy]

#1 Nobody on this site reads romance unless it's Gay. and even then it's usually angst filled because all readers are virgins.

#2 Romance writing is a different beast than the description of "romance"

Pay Attention: Romance writing is Typically about (not entirely, but for a beginner, just listen). It is usually about a grounded character meeting someone different from him/her that kind of motivates them in some strange way, and in an attractive way. and that person is, in most forms, a "Manic Pixie Girl" she's vibrant, she's fun, she's not boring like your grounded MC.

The trick is to have them meet Twice, and then on the second interaction someone makes a move or something happens that they decide to maybe hang out, (depends on whatever your plot needs). Moving Forward is the mystery. as your MC learns about her, he finds himself wanting to spend more time, but she be busy doing crazy stuff because she has a past.

YOUR TRICK, THAT YOU NEED TO PULL OFF, is have this girl long for your MC's grounded-ness, as he, in turn grows in character while white knight saving her

LAUGH ALL YOU EFFING WANT! BUT THAT PLOT ^ RIGHT THERE? THAT PLOT SELLS BILLILONS OF BOOKS EVERY YEAR. It's not rocket science. it's standard fiction. Grounded guy with insecurities meets Manic pixie with insecurities. He falls in love with her whimsy, she gets addicted to his groundedness. He saves her, too easy. don't make it hard.

also the pixie gender DOES NOT MATTER. HE/She/They can take many forms: they can be a Tsundere, kuudere, assassin. IDOL. pick a flavor and run with it.

I like the way you put it. I don't know if you intended it or not, I laughed my a$$ off while reading it. I did learn too. So thanks for that.

 

[dayses]

So, I had a bit of a realization today while writing.

I’m just not a good romance writer. When I read back through my novels, I couldn’t feel the love in the air at all.

That sent me down some internal rabbit holes, and I figured something out: I don’t think I actually like men...or at least, the idea of romance with men. And no, that doesn’t mean I’m a lesbian. I’m a straight woman, and I’ve got nothing against guys.

But I honestly cannot picture romance scenes in my head with anyone. The moment I try, I lose all interest and motivation. I end up slapping some generic fluff on the page just to move on. Maybe it’s trauma response, maybe something else. I’m still unpacking it.

So my question for you all: has anyone else run into this kind of block? If yes, how do you work through it? If no, I’d still love any advice you’ve got.

I just know I can't write romance. Which is why I keep things in my stories limited to friendships

 

[OmegaC]

I'm no romance writing expert, but here's what I think works:

1. It takes time. Love doesn't happen in a day, it's a whole spectrum.
2. Avoid trauma-bonding (this is debatable). If you have to wait for someone to break down to finally understand them, you aren't really "seeing" them.
3. Question this: Put them in the chillest setting possible, would they still love each other? A couple surviving a dungeon might bond over the adrenaline, but what happens when it's time to pay bills and raise kids?

---

Spoiler: My Baby

 

[JayDirex]

I like the way you put it. I don't know if you intended it or not, I laughed my a$$ off while reading it. I did learn too. So thanks for that.

I wasn't kidding. this exact formula is every single anime romance: Loser ass boring dude is in class, exciting pretty girl that everyone loves FOR SOME REASON OR ANOTHER she has to talk to him this absolute BORING PIECE OF CARDBOARD. have you ever seen any movies?

DO YOU THINK IM KIDDING?????

Garden State (2004): This is the quintessential example. Andrew (Zach Braff) is a depressed, medicated actor who returns home for a funeral. He meets Sam (Natalie Portman), a habitual liar and high-energy "pixie" who wears a motorcycle helmet and makes him feel alive again.

500 Days of Summer (2009): Tom is a greeting card writer who wants a soulmate; Summer (Zooey Deschanel) is the "airy manic Pixie" force who doesn't believe in love. It’s a great study on the "chaser" dynamic where the guy projects his insecurities onto the girl.

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004): Joel (Jim Carrey) is a quiet, introverted guy who is drawn to Clementine (Kate Winslet), who is impulsive and constantly changing her hair color. It deals heavily with the idea of two people with deep-seated insecurities trying to fit together.

Scott Pilgrim vs. The World (2010): Scott is a relatively mundane "slacker" bassist who becomes obsessed with Ramona Flowers, a girl who literally travels through his dreams and brings a world of chaos (and evil exes) into his grounded life.

Elizabethtown (2005): The movie that actually inspired the term "Manic Pixie Dream Girl." A failed shoe designer (Orlando Bloom) on the verge of a breakdown meets a flight attendant (Kirsten Dunst) who forces him to see the joy in life through mixtapes and road trips.

Yes Man (2008): A man stuck in a rut (Jim Carrey) starts saying "yes" to everything and meets Allison (Zooey Deschanel), a quirky girl who plays in a band and teaches exercise photography.

I have like 50 more~ BRO, YOU DON'T HAVE TO REINVENT THE WHEEL, IT'S A FORMUALA FFS.

• Almost Famous (2000): A 15-year-old "boring" aspiring journalist follows a rock band and meets Penny Lane (Kate Hudson), the ultimate "free spirit" who lives for the music and the moment, pulling him out of his shell.

 

[Ytiamy]

I wasn't kidding. this exact formula is every single anime romance: Loser ass boring dude is in class, exciting pretty girl that everyone loves FOR SOME REASON OR ANOTHER she has to talk to him this absolute BORING PIECE OF CARDBOARD. have you ever seen any movies?

DO YOU THINK IM KIDDING?????

Garden State (2004): This is the quintessential example. Andrew (Zach Braff) is a depressed, medicated actor who returns home for a funeral. He meets Sam (Natalie Portman), a habitual liar and high-energy "pixie" who wears a motorcycle helmet and makes him feel alive again.

500 Days of Summer (2009): Tom is a greeting card writer who wants a soulmate; Summer (Zooey Deschanel) is the "airy manic Pixie" force who doesn't believe in love. It’s a great study on the "chaser" dynamic where the guy projects his insecurities onto the girl.

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004): Joel (Jim Carrey) is a quiet, introverted guy who is drawn to Clementine (Kate Winslet), who is impulsive and constantly changing her hair color. It deals heavily with the idea of two people with deep-seated insecurities trying to fit together.

Scott Pilgrim vs. The World (2010): Scott is a relatively mundane "slacker" bassist who becomes obsessed with Ramona Flowers, a girl who literally travels through his dreams and brings a world of chaos (and evil exes) into his grounded life.

Elizabethtown (2005): The movie that actually inspired the term "Manic Pixie Dream Girl." A failed shoe designer (Orlando Bloom) on the verge of a breakdown meets a flight attendant (Kirsten Dunst) who forces him to see the joy in life through mixtapes and road trips.

Yes Man (2008): A man stuck in a rut (Jim Carrey) starts saying "yes" to everything and meets Allison (Zooey Deschanel), a quirky girl who plays in a band and teaches exercise photography.

I have like 50 more~ BRO, YOU DON'T HAVE TO REINVENT THE WHEEL, IT'S A FORMUALA FFS.

• Almost Famous (2000): A 15-year-old "boring" aspiring journalist follows a rock band and meets Penny Lane (Kate Hudson), the ultimate "free spirit" who lives for the music and the moment, pulling him out of his shell.

No at all. I didn't mean you were kidding. I just liked the way you explained stuff. It's literally compelling my adhd a$$ to read it because I find it amusing at the same time it teaches me. Thanks for all the references.

 

[CharlesEBrown]

I had a mental block regarding romance for several years until I sat down and read a few. Only finished about 1/3 of the ones I read, because most of them were either the rubbish I'd expected or devolved to softcore (or not so soft core) porn fairly quickly, and that's never been my "thing" - took a lot to overcome but I think I have... just have the romance be peripheral to the main plot rather than the main plot.

 

[MFontana]

So, I had a bit of a realization today while writing.

I’m just not a good romance writer. When I read back through my novels, I couldn’t feel the love in the air at all.

That sent me down some internal rabbit holes, and I figured something out: I don’t think I actually like men...or at least, the idea of romance with men. And no, that doesn’t mean I’m a lesbian. I’m a straight woman, and I’ve got nothing against guys.

But I honestly cannot picture romance scenes in my head with anyone. The moment I try, I lose all interest and motivation. I end up slapping some generic fluff on the page just to move on. Maybe it’s trauma response, maybe something else. I’m still unpacking it.

So my question for you all: has anyone else run into this kind of block? If yes, how do you work through it? If no, I’d still love any advice you’ve got.

Romance, and specifically, Love in general, is one of the most difficult things for me to write as well.
Partially, because if you ask a hundred people what their definition of Love is, you'll end up with a hundred and two different definitions.
There are also as many different ways of expressing romance, as there are people to express it.

The best point of reference (in my experience) though in truth has been 1 Corinthians 13 and remembering always that Love is a conscious choice ; the choice of "you over everything else", as much as it is a feeling.

Then, incorporating all of that into my own writing, alongside my own personal definitions of Love and Romance, because Romance is simply the means by which Love is expressed between two people. If you're looking for tips, or tricks, to do this, the best I can offer are:

• Proximity - Put the characters you want to build the romance between in close proximity. Love doesn't exist or form in a vacuum.
• Situation - Create situations for your characters to choose their love for one-another. Quiet moments and Loud ones. Private, or amidst adversity. Change things up.
• Time - Love, by its nature, is Slow-Burn. Let the feelings and dynamic develop slowly. Over multiple chapters, or even multiple volumes, before they ever admit their attraction on the page.
• Dynamics - Do your best to create tension via a push-pull dynamic. The "Will-they/Won't-they" dynamic is intoxicating for readers of romance.
• Micro-Expressions - Have the characters, while in close proximity, express hints of affection and interest in their romantic partner without full admission or consummation.

This is all if you actually WANT to write the Romance. If you don't, well then just don't write in the genre or sub-genre. There's plenty of stories that do remarkably well without even having a hint of romance in them. You're the author, and its your story. If you don't feel comfortable, or enjoy, writing Romance, then just don't. It is one of those things that you actually have to feel and want to write in order to include it with any modicum of success.

 

[JessicaDrew]

A bit different, but I have been writing an established married couple, which needs a romantic familiarity to be established. The things that have worked for me:

- Lots of smiling at each other
- Physical touch. Touching an arm, cupping face, kiss on the cheek.
- Teasing. They know each other well enough to tease or poke fun at each other.
- Supporting each other, protective of each other around others. Working together to get through things.
- Established routines, things they take for granted about each other. In-jokes they share.
- Disagreements or falling out! Don’t have everything smooth sailing. Sometimes they’ll piss each other off. Sometimes they’ll be selfish. Sometimes they’ll hurt each other.
-

 

[XineFury]

That sent me down some internal rabbit holes, and I figured something out: I don’t think I actually like men...or at least, the idea of romance with men. And no, that doesn’t mean I’m a lesbian. I’m a straight woman, and I’ve got nothing against guys.

I had a similar realization as a reader. For most of my life, I thought I didn't like romance as a genre. I just never enjoyed romance movies or books. Then I read a lesbian romance novel and had a realization. It wasn't romance I found boring, it was men. I know that sounds horrible, and I have nothing against men (I've lived as one for most of my life), but I just don't find them entertaining when it comes to romance stories.

As a writer, I'm not very good at romance, probably because I'm not a very romantic person. Despite this, I have included romance in some of my stories. I totally relate to your "I couldn't feel the love in the air." When my characters fall in love, it feels more like a statement of fact than something the reader feels along with them.

 

[Zagaroth]

I wasn't kidding. this exact formula is every single anime romance: Loser ass boring dude is in class, exciting pretty girl that everyone loves FOR SOME REASON OR ANOTHER she has to talk to him this absolute BORING PIECE OF CARDBOARD. have you ever seen any movies?

DO YOU THINK IM KIDDING?????

Garden State (2004): This is the quintessential example. Andrew (Zach Braff) is a depressed, medicated actor who returns home for a funeral. He meets Sam (Natalie Portman), a habitual liar and high-energy "pixie" who wears a motorcycle helmet and makes him feel alive again.

500 Days of Summer (2009): Tom is a greeting card writer who wants a soulmate; Summer (Zooey Deschanel) is the "airy manic Pixie" force who doesn't believe in love. It’s a great study on the "chaser" dynamic where the guy projects his insecurities onto the girl.

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004): Joel (Jim Carrey) is a quiet, introverted guy who is drawn to Clementine (Kate Winslet), who is impulsive and constantly changing her hair color. It deals heavily with the idea of two people with deep-seated insecurities trying to fit together.

Scott Pilgrim vs. The World (2010): Scott is a relatively mundane "slacker" bassist who becomes obsessed with Ramona Flowers, a girl who literally travels through his dreams and brings a world of chaos (and evil exes) into his grounded life.

Elizabethtown (2005): The movie that actually inspired the term "Manic Pixie Dream Girl." A failed shoe designer (Orlando Bloom) on the verge of a breakdown meets a flight attendant (Kirsten Dunst) who forces him to see the joy in life through mixtapes and road trips.

Yes Man (2008): A man stuck in a rut (Jim Carrey) starts saying "yes" to everything and meets Allison (Zooey Deschanel), a quirky girl who plays in a band and teaches exercise photography.

I have like 50 more~ BRO, YOU DON'T HAVE TO REINVENT THE WHEEL, IT'S A FORMUALA FFS.

• Almost Famous (2000): A 15-year-old "boring" aspiring journalist follows a rock band and meets Penny Lane (Kate Hudson), the ultimate "free spirit" who lives for the music and the moment, pulling him out of his shell.

I mean, yes, that's a very common romance formula, especially in anime.

But that is not the romance formula for the feel-good romance movies on the holidays, and for Romance books, there's a whole slew of formulas.

And when it comes to stories that have romance but are not romance-first, there's even more options.

----------------------

On a separate topic, it occurs to me to specify that the dynamic I was describing in my previous post starts developing somewhere past chapter 300. Not that I have had that dynamic going for over 300 chapters or such. I realized that my wording might have been vague.

 

[JayDirex]

I mean, yes, that's a very common romance formula, especially in anime.

But that is not the romance formula for the feel-good romance movies on the holidays, and for Romance books, there's a whole slew of formulas.

And when it comes to stories that have romance but are not romance-first, there's even more options.

----------------------

On a separate topic, it occurs to me to specify that the dynamic I was describing in my previous post starts developing somewhere past chapter 300. Not that I have had that dynamic going for over 300 chapters or such. I realized that my wording might have been vague.

Ah, yes I'm also a connoisseur of "Lifetime Romance" especially writing in the Female Lead perspective. But trust me, the OP wants a manic pixie romance. They're easy to write from the "Male Lens" and is the standard formula for anime. I specifically said that is not the entirety, but that formula is what he needs and low key wants. every man wants a pixie girlfriend.

This is standard and easy to follow story structure new entrant into romance can write (using himself as an insert. not subtle, nuanced ambiguity like every one else on this thread suggests. and nothing from a Woman's POV, leave that to the ladies or ME, YURI WRITERS.

The Manic Pixis is a simple. The OP can apply it immediately. Everything else up here is vapor.