A new story.

[A-Random-Writer]

So I've started a new story. It's a fanfic of a crossover between the Helldivers and Warhammer 40k. I've written the first chapter, and I want to see what you think about it. This is my first action-oriented novel, so I expect it to be bad.


For warning, it is meant to be somewhat graphic, so do what you want with that. (I'm hoping I'm not violating any rules by posting this here.)







Blood. Oceans of it. Everywhere you step. Flags burned, and structures crumbled.


A soldier covered in blood stood up. His black and yellow armor barely showed. His cape fluttered as the bullets flew. Unflinching, almost invincible. He fired his "Liberator" Assault rifle into the horizon.


A maniacal laugh came from him.


"How about a cup of liber-tea-" He stopped firing. He looked down at his chest. A hole sat where his heart should have been. He collapsed as another bullet flew through his leg.


Heavy breathing. The diver lay behind a rock. His once pristine uniform was now blood red. It wasn't his. Beside him sat a fellow soldier. His head had been shot clean off.


BAM!


A Hellpod landed beside the rock. Out came another soldier primed for combat.


"Deploying to the combat zone."


His upper torso splattered against the rock and the traumatized diver.


A heart lay beside him. A hole was torn through its upper left chamber. Yet it was still beating. The diver stared at it. It was still beating, for what? Nothing it did could help.


The diver looked at his rifle. He hadn't fired a shot. Mud and blood covered every corner of it.


Thunder rang out as heavy metallic footsteps ran towards them.


"HERETIC SCUM!" A beast contained in armor ran past the diver and turned to one of his comrades. It towered over him. The walking tank made them look like a pebble in the mountains.


A chainsaw sword whirred to life as he stabbed it into the frail man. Sparks of the sword cutting his armor were sent flying into the air.


He aimed his rifle at the beast and fired. Each shot was stopped without leaving a scratch.


It turned towards him. The black and white armor was now apparent. It had to be at least one meter wide. It walked towards him with the chain sword, screaming to be used.


"Shit shit shit!" The diver scrambled backwards, trying to get away.


"Don't resent the emperor's salvation." It raised its sword above its head. The titan's voice was mechanical.


Its head slammed into its shoulder as a metal dart slammed into its helmet. It fell over, sending dirt and spent shell casings flying.


"Haha! I got him! The railgun does the trick-" An explosion cut the communications off.


"Attention all Helldivers in the AO. High command has authorized the use of orbital lasers. Mark hostile targets with stratagem markers." The orbit filled with super destroyers. Yellow lasers filled the sky as they burned away at anything that wasn't their own.


"Diver! Get your ass up and advance!" An officer stood over him with his saber in hand.


"Sweet liberty..." The diver slowly stood up. Hundreds of men clad in the Helldiver armor advanced. Many were killed before they could take a step. Others screamed in the name of Super Earth.


He started running with the others. Artillery shells exploded all around them. Arms and legs were sent flying. The screaming of the wounded and the dying drowned out the sound of gunshots.


A hand reached out and tripped him.


A fellow diver lay there holding his foot. Reaching out, holding a glowing red stratagem ball.


"I'm not going to make it... Take this and throw it at those bastards." He extended his hand.


The diver grabbed the ball and nodded.


"You fought well. You may rest; Democracy is proud." He was already dead.


The diver stood back and charged. Weaving between bullets and the dead. He found a target.


A machine gun nest. Four of them stood firing into the Helldivers' positions. The brutes slaughtered hundreds of Helldivers and didn't even flinch.


"THIS IS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO HUMANITY!" The diver charged, running towards them with the stratagem primed.


A sharp pain flew through his body. His breathing stopped as he looked down. His chest was impaled by a bullet the size of a softball.


"EAT THIS!" He chucked the stratagem at the nest.


A beam of light rose into the air as the diver fell.


"Orbital 380mm strike inbound. Clear the area." The sky shifted as the super destroyers turned to the position.


"Hahaha... have fun with that, you fuc-" A shell landed where he had been. Then more came. The entire frontline was bombarded by the destroyers. As the bombardment let up, all that remained was the red-stained terrain and the smell of iron in the air.


In the end, the Helldivers pushed back the unknown force, waving their flag on what remained. Over 220 million souls were sent to death that day. Only 3000 of the brutes were killed. The war is far from over.

Oh yeah, @L1aei, here is the first chapter.

 

[Juia_Darkcrest]

Heh, and 3000 of the brutes? That is three whole chapters of Space Marines gone. Now, I am no 40k expert, but it's the guardsmen who usually bear the brunt of the attacks, while the marines are more like a special forces, surgical strike team with massive bolters.

As Esthersandra said, it's rushed, and the numbers don't make much sense. Also, did the UNSC just glass their own planet?

And on a personal note, super earth, really super anything, sounds dumb. If you have a singular super something, mainly if it was canon in a fanfic, fine, but it's a bit too on the nose if it's something you're making up.

Edit - apparently super earth's are part of helldivers for some reason. Still, sounds weird.

 

[A-Random-Writer]

Hello, just read through this. You said to be straight with you, so I will be. What worked: The opening image is strong. Blood oceans, flags burned, soldiers laughing while firing. That's a good hook. The railgun guy getting cut off mid-sentence feels very Helldivers. That dark humor lands. Sweet liberty... as a reaction to sheer horror? Yeah, that's the tone. What tripped me up: You're rushing. Big time. This reads like you're afraid to stay in one moment. The heart is still beating on the ground? That's creepy and good. But you leave it in one sentence. Stay there. Make me feel how wrong that is. The 380 mm strike at the end. You built up to that throw. The guy gets shot through the chest with a softball-sized bullet and still throws. That should be THE moment. But then you skip his death and go straight to shells landing. Let him have his death. Let me see his face. Then blow him up. 220 million souls / only 3000 of the brutes. These numbers are so big they mean nothing. 220 million is a country. You just erased a country. That deserves more weight than a sentence at the end. Biggest note: You're describing action like a camera that won't stop moving. Slow down. Pick three Helldivers in this chaos. Give me their names, their faces, and one thing about each. Then kill them. I'll actually care. You've got the bones. Just breathe between the bullets.

Thank you for the feedback. I think I understand what you mean and next chapter i will introduce some characters and I will try and slow down the pacing.

Heh, and 3000 of the brutes? That is three whole chapters of Space Marines gone. Now, I am no 40k expert, but it's the guardsmen who usually bear the brunt of the attacks, while the marines are more like a special forces, surgical strike team with massive bolters.

As Esthersandra said, it's rushed, and the numbers don't make much sense. Also, did the UNSC just glass their own planet?

And on a personal note, super earth, really super anything, sounds dumb. If you have a singular super something, mainly if it was canon in a fanfic, fine, but it's a bit too on the nose if it's something you're making up.

Edit - apparently super earth's are part of helldivers for some reason. Still, sounds weird.

Ah I didn't realize the full size of a space marine chapter. I will change that as 3000 for space marines doesn't make much sense. Now on the topic of Super Earth. Yeah it's an odd name but that what arrowhead choose and it fits the premise if the game. "Let's go sacrifice our self in the name of managed democracy" of course they will have "Super" Earth and "Super" destroyers. But I went into this fast and didn't explain much so that's my fault.