MFontana
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In compliance with the Forum rules, this thread is being tagged 18+, even though it does not feature any explicit sexual content (No explicit sex in the scene, just a detailed make-out bit and implicit direction towards sex). While personally, I'd say the scene would fall under the R-rating (Mature/17+), I'm erring on the side of caution and tagging the thread 18+, and also placing the scene within the spoiler tag below to prevent 'accidental viewing/reading' of the scene.
In short, this is my first time attempting to write a scene of this nature into a story (Be 'gentle' Or don't. I don't care.), so I'd like to get some feedback on the set-up and lead-in excerpt included here to get a general idea if I'm taking things in the right direction. The scene as seen here, is an excerpt from an early proof-of-concept / rough rough-draft for a story beat planned for Aestelle Nocte, and will likely find its way into the story by Chapter 8 (or it may just BECOME chapter 8 depending on how long the scene lasts in the finished draft).
What to expect from the scene:
EDIT: Shit. Wrong Channel. Meant to drop this in Story Feedback.
If any Server Staff happen to see this, please move it to the appropriate channel.
Thanks. Realized after posting.
In short, this is my first time attempting to write a scene of this nature into a story (Be 'gentle' Or don't. I don't care.), so I'd like to get some feedback on the set-up and lead-in excerpt included here to get a general idea if I'm taking things in the right direction. The scene as seen here, is an excerpt from an early proof-of-concept / rough rough-draft for a story beat planned for Aestelle Nocte, and will likely find its way into the story by Chapter 8 (or it may just BECOME chapter 8 depending on how long the scene lasts in the finished draft).
What to expect from the scene:
- A Slow-Burn Erotic Scene that is being presented strictly from the limited perspective of Tobias, the story's protagonist. Everything
- A Tell-Heavy Opening couple of paragraphs to set the context and tone (Events that would have occurred in earlier chapters, or off-screen) before the scene itself begins. This is by design of the PoC for contextualization, and will not be included in the final draft. [Basically, I need the characters to be in a specific place and time for the scene, so those paragraphs establish that without the earlier chapters].
- Content Warning: Erotic / Sexual Content Implied (Direction), and Explicit (with regard to kissing and light touching).
- An Excerpt from an Incomplete Proof-of-Concept draft. This is not a full chapter, or a full scene. Not yet. (And partially because I'm not sure if the full thing will be allowed on the forum even with the 18+ Thread tags and warnings). This excerpt ends before the scene ventures into full-erotica. The scene in the series, will not end the same way.
- Any technical critiques or feedback.
- Any comments on what you thought of the scene.
- Any personal beliefs on whether the scene is solid for its purpose, or not. And why you feel that way.
- Anything else you might want to add, or get more of in the finished product (IE: Basically, if you want them in a specific position in the final draft, or if you want them doing anything specific, or if you just want more from Jaeyla's PoV. Anything is fair-game here.)
After a particularly rough time in his morning class, Tobias had needed to take some time to clear his head. Time away from all the stresses of being on campus. So he had met up with Isabel after their morning classes ended, like usual, but this time had decided to return home and skip his evening class.
This had put a minor damper on their lunch plans, and she still had classes for the day, and still didn't fully trust the other one alone with him. Even so, there was little she could do about it with the exam she had coming up today.
Reaching a simple solution; Tobias had offered to let her borrow the car after driving the both of them back to the house; that way, she would be free to come home after and not need to wait for him to drive back out to pick her up.
"I'm sorry, Isabel. I just… I have a lot on my mind today. I'll make it up to you later. What do you want for dinner tonight?" He asked as he climbed out of the car, trying his best to ease the concerns he figured she'd have over the unexpected change of plans at the last minute like this.
"Anything's fine." She called back as she climbed into the driver's seat of his car before throwing him a wink and a pointed smile as she finished with "...As long as you're not the one cooking it."
Without waiting for him to reply, Isabel backed out of the driveway, and was off, driving his Toyota GT86 back to the college, and leaving him to head back inside. Alone.
A sigh caught in his throat as he watched the lightning red car disappear around the bend at the end of the road, before turning back to the door. The sigh broke free of his lips as he gripped the cool polished steel of the handle, and with a steadying breath, he opened the door and stepped inside.
Only silence was there to greet him as shadows danced upon the floor, set to swaying as the light filtered through the swaying blinds and open door, and he couldn't help the twang of pain in his heart at the stark contrast between the life he had been living, if it could even be called that, compared to the hustle and bustle of his new life.
Longing. That was it. A longing. For what had been, even with all that he now had, he couldn't help the part of him that longed for this peace, and quiet.
Steadying himself, Tobias closed the door and made his way across the entryway and into the living room, still cast in the swaying shadows and soothing quiet he cherished so, before taking a seat on the leather sofa.
Closing his eyes as he leaned into the sofa, the soft leather of the cushion giving way just enough that he sunk into its firm embrace, Tobias let the silence and stillness quiet the thoughts racing in his mind.
One deep breath. A steady, controlled, exhale.
Another. Then a third.
With each breath the tension from his morning abated and the beginnings of a tranquil stillness crept into his mind, beckoning him to sleep. A sleep that slowly began to take hold that it might wash away the sorrows, and stresses, of the morning.
A minute. Ten. An hour. Less. More.
Tobias had lost track of the passing of time until the soft clack of heels upon the polished wood floor shattered that tranquility he had found. Insistent thumps, ever closer to where he sat until the soft brush of a hand along the sharp line of his shoulder invaded that quiet space of his mind.
Sensation, light though it was, shattered that brief moment of peace with its unrelenting demand for attention.
Fingers glided down along his arm, continuing the delicate caress as the footsteps carried this invader of his space around the edge of the sofa. The touch, light as a feather upon the bare skin of his arm, sent tingles rippling through his senses before the gentle warmth enveloped his wrist.
The silence had returned soon after, but the lingering presence before him hadn't departed as he hoped it would. Instead, a new intrusion hit his senses. The faintest hint of cherry blossom, layered with the weightier presence of roses filled his nostrils, eliciting a soft murmuring hum as he craned his neck to take in the scent.
Soon after, a hand gripped his shoulder. The intruder, leaning her weight on him, shifted subtly so that she might straddle him, her supple thighs parted, knees digging into the leather of the sofa on either side of his hips.
Her breath ghosted across his lips, then his cheeks. A lingering warmth spreading under his skin wherever it made contact. He could almost feel her lips moving as they lingered centimeters away from his cheek. So close, but not touching.
Promising. Teasing. So close, yet still just out of reach.
"Tobii-as… Do you remember what you told me…" She whispered, her voice smooth as silk, yet laced with sultry promise, flowed into the depths of his mind, coaxing him further from the tranquility he sought. "In the shower room…"
As she spoke, the intruder, Jaeyla, guided his hand to her hip. First the left, then after letting her hand glide down along his right arm from his shoulder, she scooped up his right and guided it to her hip as well, seeking that same, light, touch from weeks before.
"That… I shouldn't tease…" She continued the supple, sultry, whisper as she let his hands rest on her hips before leaning in closer, her own hands firmly planted against his shoulders. "If I don't mean it…" Drawing out each word, her lips almost grazing his.
"Well… I do now…" She admitted, pressing herself in closer, her ample breasts pressing in against his chest with only the thin fabric of their shirts between them. The heat of her body seeping into his, as her lips lingered close. Inviting. Waiting. Offering. Begging for him to take that next step.
Answering the invitation, Tobias tilted his head, if only slightly, to the right while his left hand glided up along the delicate curve of her lithe figure, snaking its way around to her back as it slid higher, dipping first under the rough denim of her jacket. Then, higher still, rolling the soft cotton of her crop top up with his fingers as they dipped under it.
His other, the right, released her hip and came up to grip the back of her head, his fingers entwining in the crimson waves of her hair before he pulled her closer, closing that remaining distance in an instant that pressed their lips together.
Soft. Warm. Moist. Her lips pressed in firmly against his, the contact like a bolt of lightning racing through them both, set their nerves alight with its myriad sensations, and he could feel her trembling in his grip before reflexively jerking back against his hand, a sudden release on the seal between them.
Her eyes, pools of amber in the dim light of the living room, shot wide as she stared at him, torn. The desire to run. The sudden, unwanted, impulse to push him away. And the urge for more. To taste him. To feel him. All of him, were waging a violent war within the confines of her mind, one that had her frozen in place, a slight glistening of saliva coating her ruby lips.
In the absence of her lips, he could taste the faintest hint of cherry, and finally opened his eyes as well. Arms still wrapped around her as he met her gaze.
"Jaeyla…." A hint of concern that he had gone too far crept into his voice as he started to speak. "Are you..mpffff….." He had started, but before he could even finish the thought, she was on him again. Cherry-glazed lips locked over his with the heat of the spark he had ignited within her.
Her hands climbed his chest, dragging up his shirt with them, before gripping his cheeks possessively, her tongue flicking out from between them to lightly graze his own, exploratory at first, but in short order with the same heat that burned deep within her.
After a shared moment that felt like a blissful eternity, Jaeyla pulled back from the kiss, a lingering thread of saliva trailing from her tongue to his. Panting breathlessly, she hovered close, eyes locked on his, now open once more, simmering pools of azure.
An almost feral hunger burned in her eyes as she shifted over him. Closer. Grinding her hips insistently against his as her fingers dragged across his chest. Then, she lifted them, still swaying and rolling her hips against his, to grip her leather jacket by the collar, only to peel it away. Slowly. Deliberately. Until finally it slipped off her shoulders to pool in her bent elbows.
Her jacket primed to be tossed, Jaeyla dove back in, throwing herself into his embrace as she melded her body against his. Her full, supple, breasts pressing against his chest as her lips found his once more.
A newly awakened hunger now drove her on. Passion. Desire. Desperation. Longing. Uncertainty. Fear. Need. Loneliness. The myriad emotions warring within her were tangible in every subtle tremor and shudder rippling through her body with each new sensation. Each taste of her upon his lips.
But one thing was certain.
Beyond any doubt in his mind.
She wanted this. Wanted him. And had finally found the strength to open herself up to him. Fully. To take that chance.
The way she pressed closer. Insistently.
So he answered. His lips parted, invitingly. Welcoming her tongue once more as it flicked against them before diving into his mouth to engage with his in a fierce war for dominance before retreating into her own, begging him to follow.
His hands shifted once more until they found her elbows. Then ducked under them, and the leather holding them against her sides, to snake their way under the hem of her crop top, so that he might slowly begin peeling away that layer as well.
This had put a minor damper on their lunch plans, and she still had classes for the day, and still didn't fully trust the other one alone with him. Even so, there was little she could do about it with the exam she had coming up today.
Reaching a simple solution; Tobias had offered to let her borrow the car after driving the both of them back to the house; that way, she would be free to come home after and not need to wait for him to drive back out to pick her up.
"I'm sorry, Isabel. I just… I have a lot on my mind today. I'll make it up to you later. What do you want for dinner tonight?" He asked as he climbed out of the car, trying his best to ease the concerns he figured she'd have over the unexpected change of plans at the last minute like this.
"Anything's fine." She called back as she climbed into the driver's seat of his car before throwing him a wink and a pointed smile as she finished with "...As long as you're not the one cooking it."
Without waiting for him to reply, Isabel backed out of the driveway, and was off, driving his Toyota GT86 back to the college, and leaving him to head back inside. Alone.
A sigh caught in his throat as he watched the lightning red car disappear around the bend at the end of the road, before turning back to the door. The sigh broke free of his lips as he gripped the cool polished steel of the handle, and with a steadying breath, he opened the door and stepped inside.
Only silence was there to greet him as shadows danced upon the floor, set to swaying as the light filtered through the swaying blinds and open door, and he couldn't help the twang of pain in his heart at the stark contrast between the life he had been living, if it could even be called that, compared to the hustle and bustle of his new life.
Longing. That was it. A longing. For what had been, even with all that he now had, he couldn't help the part of him that longed for this peace, and quiet.
Steadying himself, Tobias closed the door and made his way across the entryway and into the living room, still cast in the swaying shadows and soothing quiet he cherished so, before taking a seat on the leather sofa.
Closing his eyes as he leaned into the sofa, the soft leather of the cushion giving way just enough that he sunk into its firm embrace, Tobias let the silence and stillness quiet the thoughts racing in his mind.
One deep breath. A steady, controlled, exhale.
Another. Then a third.
With each breath the tension from his morning abated and the beginnings of a tranquil stillness crept into his mind, beckoning him to sleep. A sleep that slowly began to take hold that it might wash away the sorrows, and stresses, of the morning.
A minute. Ten. An hour. Less. More.
Tobias had lost track of the passing of time until the soft clack of heels upon the polished wood floor shattered that tranquility he had found. Insistent thumps, ever closer to where he sat until the soft brush of a hand along the sharp line of his shoulder invaded that quiet space of his mind.
Sensation, light though it was, shattered that brief moment of peace with its unrelenting demand for attention.
Fingers glided down along his arm, continuing the delicate caress as the footsteps carried this invader of his space around the edge of the sofa. The touch, light as a feather upon the bare skin of his arm, sent tingles rippling through his senses before the gentle warmth enveloped his wrist.
The silence had returned soon after, but the lingering presence before him hadn't departed as he hoped it would. Instead, a new intrusion hit his senses. The faintest hint of cherry blossom, layered with the weightier presence of roses filled his nostrils, eliciting a soft murmuring hum as he craned his neck to take in the scent.
Soon after, a hand gripped his shoulder. The intruder, leaning her weight on him, shifted subtly so that she might straddle him, her supple thighs parted, knees digging into the leather of the sofa on either side of his hips.
Her breath ghosted across his lips, then his cheeks. A lingering warmth spreading under his skin wherever it made contact. He could almost feel her lips moving as they lingered centimeters away from his cheek. So close, but not touching.
Promising. Teasing. So close, yet still just out of reach.
"Tobii-as… Do you remember what you told me…" She whispered, her voice smooth as silk, yet laced with sultry promise, flowed into the depths of his mind, coaxing him further from the tranquility he sought. "In the shower room…"
As she spoke, the intruder, Jaeyla, guided his hand to her hip. First the left, then after letting her hand glide down along his right arm from his shoulder, she scooped up his right and guided it to her hip as well, seeking that same, light, touch from weeks before.
"That… I shouldn't tease…" She continued the supple, sultry, whisper as she let his hands rest on her hips before leaning in closer, her own hands firmly planted against his shoulders. "If I don't mean it…" Drawing out each word, her lips almost grazing his.
"Well… I do now…" She admitted, pressing herself in closer, her ample breasts pressing in against his chest with only the thin fabric of their shirts between them. The heat of her body seeping into his, as her lips lingered close. Inviting. Waiting. Offering. Begging for him to take that next step.
Answering the invitation, Tobias tilted his head, if only slightly, to the right while his left hand glided up along the delicate curve of her lithe figure, snaking its way around to her back as it slid higher, dipping first under the rough denim of her jacket. Then, higher still, rolling the soft cotton of her crop top up with his fingers as they dipped under it.
His other, the right, released her hip and came up to grip the back of her head, his fingers entwining in the crimson waves of her hair before he pulled her closer, closing that remaining distance in an instant that pressed their lips together.
Soft. Warm. Moist. Her lips pressed in firmly against his, the contact like a bolt of lightning racing through them both, set their nerves alight with its myriad sensations, and he could feel her trembling in his grip before reflexively jerking back against his hand, a sudden release on the seal between them.
Her eyes, pools of amber in the dim light of the living room, shot wide as she stared at him, torn. The desire to run. The sudden, unwanted, impulse to push him away. And the urge for more. To taste him. To feel him. All of him, were waging a violent war within the confines of her mind, one that had her frozen in place, a slight glistening of saliva coating her ruby lips.
In the absence of her lips, he could taste the faintest hint of cherry, and finally opened his eyes as well. Arms still wrapped around her as he met her gaze.
"Jaeyla…." A hint of concern that he had gone too far crept into his voice as he started to speak. "Are you..mpffff….." He had started, but before he could even finish the thought, she was on him again. Cherry-glazed lips locked over his with the heat of the spark he had ignited within her.
Her hands climbed his chest, dragging up his shirt with them, before gripping his cheeks possessively, her tongue flicking out from between them to lightly graze his own, exploratory at first, but in short order with the same heat that burned deep within her.
After a shared moment that felt like a blissful eternity, Jaeyla pulled back from the kiss, a lingering thread of saliva trailing from her tongue to his. Panting breathlessly, she hovered close, eyes locked on his, now open once more, simmering pools of azure.
An almost feral hunger burned in her eyes as she shifted over him. Closer. Grinding her hips insistently against his as her fingers dragged across his chest. Then, she lifted them, still swaying and rolling her hips against his, to grip her leather jacket by the collar, only to peel it away. Slowly. Deliberately. Until finally it slipped off her shoulders to pool in her bent elbows.
Her jacket primed to be tossed, Jaeyla dove back in, throwing herself into his embrace as she melded her body against his. Her full, supple, breasts pressing against his chest as her lips found his once more.
A newly awakened hunger now drove her on. Passion. Desire. Desperation. Longing. Uncertainty. Fear. Need. Loneliness. The myriad emotions warring within her were tangible in every subtle tremor and shudder rippling through her body with each new sensation. Each taste of her upon his lips.
But one thing was certain.
Beyond any doubt in his mind.
She wanted this. Wanted him. And had finally found the strength to open herself up to him. Fully. To take that chance.
The way she pressed closer. Insistently.
So he answered. His lips parted, invitingly. Welcoming her tongue once more as it flicked against them before diving into his mouth to engage with his in a fierce war for dominance before retreating into her own, begging him to follow.
His hands shifted once more until they found her elbows. Then ducked under them, and the leather holding them against her sides, to snake their way under the hem of her crop top, so that he might slowly begin peeling away that layer as well.
EDIT: Shit. Wrong Channel. Meant to drop this in Story Feedback.
If any Server Staff happen to see this, please move it to the appropriate channel.
Thanks. Realized after posting.
