[OPEN 1/3] Unreliable Biased Feedback v3

c37 said:

Hey, since I did not mention the link last time. Here it is, B*stard of Abaddon. I have to warn you, there are a few sensitive themes.

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greyblob said:

youre too young to warn me about sensetive themes

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c37 said:

How old are you?

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RebelLion said:

Old enough to be friends with @Assurbanipal_II the third king of the Neo-Assyrian Empire from 883 to 859 BC.

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RebelLion said:

Old enough to be friends with @Assurbanipal_II the third king of the Neo-Assyrian Empire from 883 to 859 BC.

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Cookiez_N_Potionz said:

Hacking The System: KINGDOM OF STONE [LitRPG]

'Freedom. Peace. Hope.' It's 1979 and society has advanced thanks to the urban dungeons that sprouted throughout the world. Inside these mazes are magical artifacts and treasures guarded by mythical monsters. To collect these spoils of war Guilds were established by the Government. 23...

www.scribblehub.com

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greyblob said:

read up to: Arc II Chapter 7

writing quality is decent and it's easy to read which is probably the biggest note i have on this. characters are distinct. at least the mc. I didn't read enough to form an opinion on the party.

info dumping was heavy in act one. skimmed most of it. really big turn off for chapter 1.

i dislike how you handled pov changes also. i find it lazy. exposition in the bandit's pov explaining their motiviation, thoughts, etc feels very lazy and boring to me. this introduces my next point

your descriptions are good but yoi have a habit of showing which is good but it can be better. showing with actions. I'm sure there's a term for it.

instead of describing the surroundings, have the character interact with the environment and describe it through them. makes the experience much more tolerable and more interesting to see through.

other than that i dont really have much to comment on. villians are cartoony. their dialogue was boring. very shounen

i dont like the mc. the change in behaviour in this act made me stop because i was cringng too much. mc is 14 but acts like she's 5 and everyone is okay with it. I didnt want to torture myself with that. I doubt im the target audience for this.


overall pretty decent. kinda generic but thats not necessarily a bad thing

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Eldoria said:

Sis... you've already been reviewed by OP. Did you forget?

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Cookiez_N_Potionz said:

Hacking The System: KINGDOM OF STONE [LitRPG]

'Freedom. Peace. Hope.' It's 1979 and society has advanced thanks to the urban dungeons that sprouted throughout the world. Inside these mazes are magical artifacts and treasures guarded by mythical monsters. To collect these spoils of war Guilds were established by the Government. 23...

www.scribblehub.com

Click to expand...