[OPEN 1/3] Unreliable Biased Feedback v3

Eldoria

Eldoria

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Cookiez_N_Potionz said:
www.scribblehub.com

Hacking The System: KINGDOM OF STONE [LitRPG]

'Freedom. Peace. Hope.' It's 1979 and society has advanced thanks to the urban dungeons that sprouted throughout the world. Inside these mazes are magical artifacts and treasures guarded by mythical monsters. To collect these spoils of war Guilds were established by the Government. 23...
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Sis... you've already been reviewed by OP. Did you forget? :blob_melt:
 
Assurbanipal_II

Assurbanipal_II

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greyblob said:
read up to: Arc II Chapter 7

writing quality is decent and it's easy to read which is probably the biggest note i have on this. characters are distinct. at least the mc. I didn't read enough to form an opinion on the party.

info dumping was heavy in act one. skimmed most of it. really big turn off for chapter 1.

i dislike how you handled pov changes also. i find it lazy. exposition in the bandit's pov explaining their motiviation, thoughts, etc feels very lazy and boring to me. this introduces my next point

your descriptions are good but yoi have a habit of showing which is good but it can be better. showing with actions. I'm sure there's a term for it.

instead of describing the surroundings, have the character interact with the environment and describe it through them. makes the experience much more tolerable and more interesting to see through.

other than that i dont really have much to comment on. villians are cartoony. their dialogue was boring. very shounen

i dont like the mc. the change in behaviour in this act made me stop because i was cringng too much. mc is 14 but acts like she's 5 and everyone is okay with it. I didnt want to torture myself with that. I doubt im the target audience for this.


overall pretty decent. kinda generic but thats not necessarily a bad thing
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:blob_aww: Generic~! :meowsip: Anyway, the exposition and the transition to POVs is a stylistic mannerism that I will not get rid of. I am aware that the show do not tell faction is strong here, and in English in particular, but that is a different discourse. Not that you would not know.

:blob_hmm: I never thought, though, that it would feel cringe ... and that the villains are cartoonish ... Interesting information. Also, bandits?

That being said, 💝 :blob_reach: for your effort.
 
greyblob

greyblob

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Cookiez_N_Potionz said:
www.scribblehub.com

Hacking The System: KINGDOM OF STONE [LitRPG]

'Freedom. Peace. Hope.' It's 1979 and society has advanced thanks to the urban dungeons that sprouted throughout the world. Inside these mazes are magical artifacts and treasures guarded by mythical monsters. To collect these spoils of war Guilds were established by the Government. 23...
www.scribblehub.com www.scribblehub.com
Click to expand...
I gave feedback on this in your thread no?
 
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