Why Are Relationships So Fragile?

[Deleted member 12793]

I just realized how fragile relationships are, or rather, how fragile my relationships with others are. Not just dating relationships, but those with friends and even family. Is it really considered a 'relationship' when you have to be extra careful about everything you say, so that the other person doesn't take it wrong?

It's so exhausting.

Or rather, is it wrong for me to easily give up on those relationships even though they have lasted for years or even decades? Is it my fault for not putting in more effort?

In a lot of novels, have you noticed how relationships with family is the easiest to break? It makes me wonder if the authors who write those novels see family relationships like that.

A relationship I had with someone for 20 years disappeared in a puff of smoke just because of a misunderstanding. That person thought that I said something malicious about them, even though I'm always worried about their well-being. Even though I tried my best to explain it, he wouldn't listen to me at all. Until a third party who we both know explained it to him. It took that person to explain for him to believe me. The fact is, that it hurts that he thinks I can ever think or act in a way that would cause him harm.

Even though he apologized, is it wrong that my heart has gone cold towards that person?

I wish that this has only happened once.

But in this past year, there was also a similar situation with someone else.

I'm starting to think, the problem lies with me?

I realize that I'm probably just throwing a tantrum, but I just don't understand why it's so easy to distrust someone you've known for so long. I understand that misunderstandings are common, but I have no idea how it ended up that way this time. It was horrible.

When I tried explaining it to him again over the phone, I had a panic attack. I didn't even know what was happening until my cousin found me like that and calmed me down. She's an emergency room nurse and told me she's had a lot of run ins with those having a panic attack. But it was a first for me. And it was scary.

That's just how big the misunderstanding was.

What would you have done in such a situation?

 

[CupcakeNinja]

I just realized how fragile relationships are, or rather, how fragile my relationships with others are. Not just dating relationships, but those with friends and even family. Is it really considered a 'relationship' when you have to be extra careful about everything you say, so that the other person doesn't take it wrong?

It's so exhausting.

Or rather, is it wrong for me to easily give up on those relationships even though they have lasted for years or even decades? Is it my fault for not putting in more effort?

In a lot of novels, have you noticed how relationships with family is the easiest to break? It makes me wonder if the authors who write those novels see family relationships like that.

A relationship I had with someone for 20 years disappeared in a puff of smoke just because of a misunderstanding. That person thought that I said something malicious about them, even though I'm always worried about their well-being. Even though I tried my best to explain it, he wouldn't listen to me at all. Until a third party who we both know explained it to him. It took that person to explain for him to believe me. The fact is, that it hurts that he thinks I can ever think or act in a way that would cause him harm.

Even though he apologized, is it wrong that my heart has gone cold towards that person?

I wish that this has only happened once.

But in this past year, there was also a similar situation with someone else.

I'm starting to think, the problem lies with me?

Look dude if that cunt is gonna let ONE supposedly malicious comment break all their goodwill to you, and their entire relationship with you, and wont even let you explain yourself...the fact of the matter is that your bond with them wasnt deep or maybe even real to begin with.

A true friend isnt going to turn on you like that. They'd AT LEAST hear you out. AT LEAST give you the benefit of the doubt. Because they should know you. They should care enough to let you explain.

So fuck that cunt. Best you get a fake ass nigga like him outta your life. You cant be blamed for other people misunderstanding you and villainizing you without even listening to an explanation or apology and working shit out

People who arent willing to hash shit out with you for the sake of your continued frienship just dont value you enough anyway.


Of course maybe you ARE a cunt yourself and you are the problem. But since i dont know you personally, i cant tell you. Cuz if you are, i'd be friend enough to say, "dude you are an asshole. Work on that yo" cuz sometimes people gotta be told, you know? Otherwise, they cant fix it. They might not know they're assholes. Course, they might not care. But should still be informed of their assholery even so

Now. Good day, Sir. Im off to beat my meat. That fucker has it coming I tell you h'what

 

[Ununique]

It tends to be that way when friendships are forged on fragile connections. For example, my friendships from middle school and up were extremely temporary due to unstable home conditions on my end so I was embarrassed at the thought of bringing anyone over to my house as well as trying to go out given the lack of communication I had with my parents. This meant all my interactions were purely on the basis of academics and free time in school (online chat rooms and game friendships are purely online and don't always translate to a physical friendship). The few stronger friendships I made afterward in the last year of high school were very much more involved as I still keep in touch with a couple of close friends as I've invited them over on occasion and spoken on topics of personality and change multiple times so as to say that "growing apart" doesn't have to happen for people who can get over butting heads a couple of times. One of my friends does not agree with me politically but I do not lash out at them over any differing ideas and at times if prompted for my opinion will simply answer honestly and with my reasoning to back up my views but I never attack him and he does not attack me, however, I have seen many people freak out over differing on issues like that whether in high school or online.

Just to clarify, relationships "can" be fragile but they don't have to be and a lot of that depends on the basis of how they have formed as well as the personality of the two individuals. I generally am carefree on differing opinions even if a person can't show their reasoning, I will only bite back if they attack me for my opinion which is why I tend to avoid people who don't accept criticism and try to "convert" everyone they meet.

There is also a big indicator for one-way relationships, only one person communicates and the other only does so when prompted or when they "need" something. Basically you can only try so hard to form relationships but some aren't meant to be.

On the basis of family, yeah I feel like if I could I would just cut off from my family, they aren't the best of people and do practically everything that could deteriorate a relationship and one could say "maybe your the common denominator" which would make sense if it wasn't for the fact that I've changed when I'm prompted and eat my words if I was wrong as well as admit it but all they ever do is argue and try to attack me personally and emotionally if I try to do the same to them.

 

[RepresentingCaution]

It's possible that your friends are in an abusive relationship. Isolating others from their friends is something that abusers do. Abusers will plant lies about you in the victim's head until they succeed in breaking up your friendship.

Abusers don't have to be romantic partners. They can be parents or other friends who want to assert control over someone. Physical abuse is easy to spot and report, but we don't talk enough about emotional abuse.

 

[Samuel_Spader]

The others have given their words here better than I would, but just as an addition: A relationship that requires only you alone to maintain is no good relationship.
I hope for only the best for you, stranger.

 

[Deleted member 29316]

I just realized how fragile relationships are, or rather, how fragile my relationships with others are. Not just dating relationships, but those with friends and even family. Is it really considered a 'relationship' when you have to be extra careful about everything you say, so that the other person doesn't take it wrong?

It's so exhausting.

Or rather, is it wrong for me to easily give up on those relationships even though they have lasted for years or even decades? Is it my fault for not putting in more effort?

In a lot of novels, have you noticed how relationships with family is the easiest to break? It makes me wonder if the authors who write those novels see family relationships like that.

A relationship I had with someone for 20 years disappeared in a puff of smoke just because of a misunderstanding. That person thought that I said something malicious about them, even though I'm always worried about their well-being. Even though I tried my best to explain it, he wouldn't listen to me at all. Until a third party who we both know explained it to him. It took that person to explain for him to believe me. The fact is, that it hurts that he thinks I can ever think or act in a way that would cause him harm.

Even though he apologized, is it wrong that my heart has gone cold towards that person?

I wish that this has only happened once.

But in this past year, there was also a similar situation with someone else.

I'm starting to think, the problem lies with me?

I realize that I'm probably just throwing a tantrum, but I just don't understand why it's so easy to distrust someone you've known for so long. I understand that misunderstandings are common, but I have no idea how it ended up that way this time. It was horrible.

When I tried explaining it to him again over the phone, I had a panic attack. I didn't even know what was happening until my cousin found me like that and calmed me down. She's an emergency room nurse and told me she's had a lot of run ins with those having a panic attack. But it was a first for me. And it was scary.

That's just how big the misunderstanding was.

What would you have done in such a situation?

Ya know, I've noticed that this guy is someone who doesn't trust you (well, you said it, but still...)

There were some things I'd like to point out. First, not ALL relationships are shallow and easy to break, but it certainly depends on the persons involved if it would last. Just like what I always tell my students, A RELATIONSHIP (friend or lover, or family) IS A TWO-WAY PROCESS; meaning, you get and give something to them, and they get and give something to you. A relationship with only one person working to maintain it, would become toxic.

In your case, you're the only one who's trusting this person you're talking about.

Second, people come and go, nothing is permanent. Either they will die, or leave us...literally, or figuratively. What remains are the good memories we shared with them. In connection to this, there were certainly some that we need to let go, even if it hurts us. Every human changes over time, and when they clash with us and lets us go, I think it's also the good time to say goodbye to them.

It's difficult, but pain will give you the opportunity to toughen yourself up. Just be careful not to build too much wall around yourself.

Third, what you're feeling towards him is normal. That guy just broke your trust in him, and so, you're not guilty of feeling that way. It's pretty much a human thing. Think of it this way, for example, you broke a plate. Then you try to fix it by gluing it together, and is successful.

Did you fix the plate? Yes. Did you remove the cracks? No. It's a permanent thing in that broken plate.

So, likewise, could you forgive him in the future? Maybe. Does it make your mistrust and insecurity towards him disappear? I don't think so.

My suggestion is that, when that person lets you go, then it's time for you to do the same. Don't cling to them like someone who got their hands glued to that guy. You'll lose your value that way. Take care of yourself as well, for in the end, it's only you who would help yourself. Friends and family may come to support you, but definitely, it's you who would say to yourself, "Time to get tough and move on."

Hopefully, this advice helps. Feel free to message me if you got questions.

 

[gaylolis]

this is why i just stuck to my waifus

 

[Polarize4777]

Be yourself lol, if they can't take you straight, then I am afraid their snowflake bond to you as a friend/family, or lover isn't worth preserving. I tell people how I feel and if they can't take it, then it is just that and I let it go and move on. Relationship are troublesome, but definitely worth their price if you can be straight to each other in your communication and that you both are actually listening to each other with a deep trust. The situation you provided just show that they lack trust and aren't worth preserving in a relationship if they can doubt you even after an explanation. The problem may not lay with you in my opinion, but instead on the other party who took an idea and jump to a conclusion too quickly with a doubtful heart.

 

[CupcakeNinja]

this is why i just stuck to my waifus

Waifus never betray you. Unless you're a cuck and you like that kinda thing

 

[Deleted member 12793]

Thanks for the support everyone! I feel better after ranting about it!

@CupcakeNinja I've been trying to figure out lately if the problem is me. But the people I asked all tell me that I'm too kind, and some even wonder why I came to that conclusion. *shrugs* Thanks for the advice.

@G1onny_Rog3rs I see. I've had relationships like that as well, based in school. It seems like all the relationships I've built are just that, fragile. A friend I had in my middle and high school years, up to University, was preparing to move overseas in a three months. But she moved her schedule up and called me on the day she was about to board the plane. She kept talking about how she had fun at a party with all her 'friends'. And then it clicked, she never considered me as one. Yeah, family relationship is the hardest. The person I mentioned in my post is a friend, but he was also like family. That's why this is so hard. Thanks for sharing your experience with me.

@K5Rakitan It's true that emotional abuse is overlooked a lot. While I don't think it's what happened here, it's something to think about.

@Samuel_Spader Thanks for the support and advice. ^^

@HansTrondheim You know, at first it wasn't like that. It was simple and fun. We talked, and communicated. Maybe it's because I was a kid at that time? I just don't know when or how this changed. There was no indication that I did or said something wrong. And then this misunderstanding happened. I get that things aren't permanent, but I just feel like I'm doing something wrong. It makes me want to give up on seeking serious relationships from now on. As you said, it really does feel like there are cracks. The thing is, I don't know how I'm supposed to act around him now. He's close with my family, so he comes over often. In fact, he'll be coming over tomorrow and I can't get away from seeing him, even though I don't want to. Thanks for the support and advice. But I don't know how I'll stop myself from building a tall and thick wall around myself this time.

@gaylolis Haha, that's nice too. :D

@Polarize4777 Thank you. I'll take that in mind. I really should just be myself. I usually am, but this time, it didn't feel like it.

 

[gaylolis]

Waifus never betray you. Unless you're a cuck and you like that kinda thing

nah, it's one of the few reason i approve of yanderes :D /

it's pretty nice to imagine harvesting their organs, sell them to the black market and barbecue their meat for the neighborhood. if only we could find the lamb sauce.

 

[Friend]

@Yunwu

First, ignore haters. The cupcake is a lie.

Second, breathe. Be thankful no matter what happens, you have a life. You are yourself.

Third, also take a moment to understand, you do have a right to your feelings. Even if they are outside of what in the past you thought was normal, what you feel is personal to you. Noone else can feel it in place of you.

Fourth. Repairing what's broken -- it's never going to be easy, even if the rest of the world is optimal. It's not; which means these repairs which might mean the world to a person such as you and I, will always and forever be an uphill battle.

Is it worth it? ... yes. I would like to think so. I will also like to believe, for each and every person living with their own situation -- you can do it.

The only way to make progress sometimes is as easy as not letting yourself stand still.

 

[Wintertime]

No matter who is in the wrong here, a relationship lasting twenty years doesn't dissipate immediately with just a misunderstanding. There had to be several things leading up to it for such events for it to happen. And yes, relationships are very hard to maintain; partially because trust is one of the most dangerous things you can give to another person.

In reality, it doesn't really matter at the end of the day who's distrusting who because your thoughts about your relationships between other people must stem from somewhere. Whether that's you or the person you're interacting with, it tells you that 'someone' is unsatisfied with the way things are.
People will say 'Just be yourself' and 'Find someone who can accept you for who you are,' but honestly, those are pretty bullshit.

I think if your relationships are fragile, or if you're perceiving them to be; then you are probably the reason for it. If not, then you wouldn't be asking those questions in the first place. That's not to say that it's completely you, it could be the person that you want to build your relationship with has their own different outlook on relationships as well.

If you have to be wary about what you say, then you fucked up somewhere at the start. Their perception of who you are got warped somewhere when you interacted with them. You probably won't ever repair your relationship with the people that you have ruined your connections with, but finding closure and realizing why is the next step. The world isn't rainbows and sunshine, but your mistakes will make you a better person. Next time you try to create a relationship with other people, ask yourself some few simple questions. What type of person are they? Are they a person that's outgoing and has a lot of friends? If so, then you can be more outgoing and unreserved. Is he a person that finds comfort in close-knit friendships? If so, then pay more attention to the things you say.

I feel like you're the shy, reserved type who finds comfort in closed-knit relationships. You're probably awkward around other people, and prefer reading and writing more than talking and explaining. You tend to overthink things, but that could be portrayed as scheming towards other people so you try your best not to, but the words come out the wrong way and it makes things worse. I don't know your gender, but I'm guessing female. If so, then males will distrust you simply because they have experienced females that were just manipulative in the past and your friends which are female will gossip about you to anyone they meet.

At the end of the day, who fucking cares? Build the confidence to decide what friends you want to make. The relationships you make should be natural, but they should also be truthful and rewarding. People should come to you when they want to talk about anything. People should be asking you for your opinions on certain topics. People should be asking you if you can trust this person or not.

 

[Deleted member 29316]

Thanks for the support everyone! I feel better after ranting about it!

@CupcakeNinja I've been trying to figure out lately if the problem is me. But the people I asked all tell me that I'm too kind, and some even wonder why I came to that conclusion. *shrugs* Thanks for the advice.

@G1onny_Rog3rs I see. I've had relationships like that as well, based in school. It seems like all the relationships I've built are just that, fragile. A friend I had in my middle and high school years, up to University, was preparing to move overseas in a three months. But she moved her schedule up and called me on the day she was about to board the plane. She kept talking about how she had fun at a party with all her 'friends'. And then it clicked, she never considered me as one. Yeah, family relationship is the hardest. The person I mentioned in my post is a friend, but he was also like family. That's why this is so hard. Thanks for sharing your experience with me.

@K5Rakitan It's true that emotional abuse is overlooked a lot. While I don't think it's what happened here, it's something to think about.

@Samuel_Spader Thanks for the support and advice. ^^

@HansTrondheim You know, at first it wasn't like that. It was simple and fun. We talked, and communicated. Maybe it's because I was a kid at that time? I just don't know when or how this changed. There was no indication that I did or said something wrong. And then this misunderstanding happened. I get that things aren't permanent, but I just feel like I'm doing something wrong. It makes me want to give up on seeking serious relationships from now on. As you said, it really does feel like there are cracks. The thing is, I don't know how I'm supposed to act around him now. He's close with my family, so he comes over often. In fact, he'll be coming over tomorrow and I can't get away from seeing him, even though I don't want to. Thanks for the support and advice. But I don't know how I'll stop myself from building a tall and thick wall around myself this time.

@gaylolis Haha, that's nice too. :D

@Polarize4777 Thank you. I'll take that in mind. I really should just be myself. I usually am, but this time, it didn't feel like it.

@Yunwu Well, in that part where you don't know what you would do when you meet him again, you should just be yourself. Something painful happened, and it's not easy to just ignore something that is valid. If they say something along the lines like 'You're immature' or 'throwing a tantrum', don't listen. Emotional pain is worse than physical, and it lingers more.

Now, as for your question that whether you did something wrong or not, get someone close to you whom you can confide your sentiments. Honestly, there's no one else who could tell if there's something wrong with you besides those people who knew you on the personal level. Another friend, or a trusted family member or relative would suffice. Just don't cling to a person because you'll lose your self-respect trying to achieve that.

I won't ask you to stop building walls around you; it's normal and you're in the right to do that. However, do consider to free yourself from those walls when the time comes and you're healed of the pain.

Don't worry. It will all come to pass. Stand strong even if it hurts. You'll be happy someday.

 

[Xiaoshen]

If a relationship is fragile, it's shallow. You may think it's deep and meaningful, but if they drop you like that you're probably the only one thinking that. Communicate, tell the truth, and don't be like a character in a drama that gets steeped in conflict, misunderstanding and such because their feelings were misconstrued or unsaid. Emotional honesty and transparency are the hallmarks of a successful relationship.

 

[Deleted member 12793]

Thanks for the advice and support guys. To be honest, the sadness has disappeared and all that's left is anger and disappointment.

No matter who is in the wrong here, a relationship lasting twenty years doesn't dissipate immediately with just a misunderstanding. There had to be several things leading up to it for such events for it to happen.

Yeah, that's what I think too. I probably was just too blind to notice it.

I think if your relationships are fragile, or if you're perceiving them to be; then you are probably the reason for it. If not, then you wouldn't be asking those questions in the first place. That's not to say that it's completely you, it could be the person that you want to build your relationship with has their own different outlook on relationships as well.

If you have to be wary about what you say, then you fucked up somewhere at the start. Their perception of who you are got warped somewhere when you interacted with them.

Exactly. I've tried asking others who know me well, but they couldn't come up with anything. Well, then I remembered something someone told me a long time ago. She said I tend to push people away at times without noticing it. I guess in the end, I'm the one who needs to figure it out.

I feel like you're the shy, reserved type who finds comfort in closed-knit relationships. You're probably awkward around other people, and prefer reading and writing more than talking and explaining. You tend to overthink things, but that could be portrayed as scheming towards other people so you try your best not to, but the words come out the wrong way and it makes things worse. I don't know your gender, but I'm guessing female. If so, then males will distrust you simply because they have experienced females that were just manipulative in the past and your friends which are female will gossip about you to anyone they meet.

o.o Do you know me in real life?? That's me down to every single word. I really do overthink things...I mean, a lot. I think that, along with my awkwardness is what caused the misunderstanding.

Well, thanks for that. I feel like I've just been forcing myself. But it shouldn't be like that.

 

[Friend]

I really do overthink things...I mean, a lot.

... it's a thing, in people who naturally have a creative, exploratory, inquisitive mind. Sometimes we just see ourselves and the things around us, and try to reason why or how or what it is. Bring along the fact we humans are basically emotional thinking creatures too; and it's anyone's guess how our lives will turn out.

 

[ZynGrand]

is it wrong for me to easily give up on those relationships even though they have lasted for years or even decades? Is it my fault for not putting in more effort?

Though my words probably don't have much weight due to me not really having any relationship with anyone out my family, here's my thoughts.

If you feel someone isn't worth your time, either because they're terrible to you or whatever, how far back the relationship goes doesn't matter. It's right now and they're not who they were back then.

Neither are you.

But thinking that you need to hold on because of the time and feelings you've invested into a person is a mistake. The Sunk Cost Fallacy exists because people to trust their emotions, even if they shouldn't. If you truly think that you should cut off ties then you should even if it pains your heart. But if you truly think you can piece it back together, and that's worth it, you should do that instead.

Just make sure that you think with your head instead of walking headfirst into something without thinking. Your heart can guide your path, just make sure it doesn't take you to the wrong destination.