hello again, need feedback on my rewritten chapter!

[Eryxoo]

Hello again!



hello everyone, you see i posted a thread few days ago asking for feedback with no sugarcoating and i read every single piece of feedback from my last post and I'm now currently restructuring and rewriting my chapters, the core story is intact I'm just restructuring how it flows and trying my best to rewrite it as good as I can.



Right now I’ve only just finished chapter 1 because I'm double checking everything and keeping track of every little thing like the dialogues and also trying using action tags, I'm also adding new things and trying to make the internal conflict of kael and his hesitation feel more real. I'm also fixing the pacing issue and more...





and if you read my last post you'll know [ and if you don't know, well, NOW you do] that english isn't my first language so I’m still using tools/Ai for the grammar and actual english so there still might be that Ai feeling/phrasing and that triple negative patterns or some other mistakes/errors but I’m really trying to make sure the actual "soul" of the scenes is mine this time.



I'd love your feedback [no sugarcoating] once more on the following—



is the pacing better now? and does kael feel more real and human?



and is the flow fluid across the chapter? and is there still that AI choppiness and AI /Robotic feel?



and any other feedbacks you might have.



Anyway, thanks for the feedbacks before, they are actually very valuable to me than you might think.





and be as blunt as you want I'm here to learn and improve so don't worry about being rude or anything. just be honest with the feedback.



Here's The — Link —



have a nice day :)

 

[FrenzyWanderer]

I don't think prose quality has too much of a problem, it's readable for me. I think the 'injuries' take up more spot light than needed as we already get the idea that somehow the woman got injured from the start of the chapter.

It's me being nitpicky, though

Still chapter 01 is not sufficient to give a feedback about the whole story

A hook is there

Let's see whether following chapters develop upon this hook as the basis

I'm a noob author too

So don't take everything I say for granted

 

[Eryxoo]

I don't think prose quality has too much of a problem, it's readable for me. I think the 'injuries' take up more spot light than needed as we already get the idea that somehow the woman got injured from the start of the chapter.

It's me being nitpicky, though

Still chapter 01 is not sufficient to give a feedback about the whole story

A hook is there

Let's see whether following chapters develop upon this hook as the basis

I'm a noob author too

So don't take everything I say for granted

Well, you certainly are right. But it's okay. Because there needs to be a little something that have to happen in chapter 1 and I can't leave her injuries untreated cuz it'll look unreal.

Well, it depends on who's reading so can't really say much.

And I like to write in details But that slows the pacing so I try to do it in as less words I can so that the pacing stays consistent...

But I still appreciate your feedback :) it's better to know how the story is from different people's perspectives.

What's your story about btw?

 

[FrenzyWanderer]

I refuse to level up! (Don’t ask about my sister’s opinion on this)

What would any normal person do after they isekai'ed to another world? Well that shouldn't even be a question. Grind up levels, become strong and conquer the world with overpowered cheat abilities. But Ren isn't that kind of 'Normal' What if he conquers the world without levelling up? without...

www.scribblehub.com

Pretty much a parody series

 

[Eryxoo]

I refuse to level up! (Don’t ask about my sister’s opinion on this)

What would any normal person do after they isekai'ed to another world? Well that shouldn't even be a question. Grind up levels, become strong and conquer the world with overpowered cheat abilities. But Ren isn't that kind of 'Normal' What if he conquers the world without levelling up? without...

www.scribblehub.com

Pretty much a parody series

Waking Up

“What happened?”

World came into my visual field. First thing I noticed is the damaged Caravan. I pinched myself to see whether it was a dream, Apparently it was not. My hands and legs were smaller that it used to be

Wait…

Then bodies—Dead bodies, lying around the caravan. Servants and maids

Gasp!

The imagery forced a step back

“What the hell?”

I looked around,

Trees! Trees! TREES!

I’m in the middle of nowhere

I stopped at ch 3 at here.

After giving it a shot I can say some things and first is that it needs some DETAILING! Like the ch 1 starting ans the middle was okay, I even liked it for a moment there but after the middle it becomes confusing like I can't really understand what's actually happening at the end but after some minutes of thinking it became clear. And the chapter 2 too! Right now you're focusing on the core story itself but the core story needs to move forward and that is why we explain some things like in chapter 3 where I stopped.

[I looked around,

Trees! Trees! TREES!

I’m in the middle of nowhere]

Like here. Instead of doing it like this you could've done it like this.

[I looked around, dense trees stretched in every direction, for a moment I admired the place and at the same time I was trying to make sense of it. I was in the middle of nowhere]

It's pretty easy if you shift your brain into storytelling mode

Well, I'm a beginner author just like you but I've read many other novels and they all often do this but at the end of the day it depends on you.

This is my little feedback.

Good luck with your story :)

 

[FrenzyWanderer]

I stopped at ch 3 at here.

After giving it a shot I can say some things and first is that it needs some DETAILING! Like the ch 1 starting ans the middle was okay, I even liked it for a moment there but after the middle it becomes confusing like I can't really understand what's actually happening at the end but after some minutes of thinking it became clear. And the chapter 2 too! Right now you're focusing on the core story itself but the core story needs to move forward and that is why we explain some things like in chapter 3 where I stopped.

[I looked around,

Trees! Trees! TREES!

I’m in the middle of nowhere]

Like here. Instead of doing it like this you could've done it like this.

[I looked around, dense trees stretched in every direction, for a moment I admired the place and at the same time I was trying to make sense of it. I was in the middle of nowhere]

It's pretty easy if you shift your brain into storytelling mode

Well, I'm a beginner author just like you but I've read many other novels and they all often do this but at the end of the day it depends on you.

This is my little feedback.

Good luck with your story :)

Thank you so much

I think we both are different sides of the same coin

I usually go with little description as possible Glad to hear your thoughts!

Good luck to you as well? is there anything else with chapter 03 you found hard to follow, I re read it and realized in chapter 01 and 02 there were some!
I also feel first 2 chapters are bit rushed. Because In my previous draft story strats from chapter 03 and tried to use flashbacks to convey pre isekai story. I thought It was not good and hastily wrote chapter 1,2 and first part of chapter 3. So that I can publish, If not I'll procastinating and would never publish anything


I think it's kinda back firing

People might drop the series by chapter 02

Did you also actually felt like that?

I wanted to show Ren's actual personality first and then reveal pre isekai setup through flashbacks so that 'why he did this?' comes after seeing 'what he have done'

I'll upload chapter 04 soon too, after that can you give a shot again please

 

[Eryxoo]

Thank you so much

I think we both are different sides of the same coin

I usually go with little description as possible Glad to hear your thoughts!

Good luck to you as well? is there anything else with chapter 03 you found hard to follow, I re read it and realized in chapter 01 and 02 there were some!
I also feel first 2 chapters are bit rushed. Because In my previous draft story strats from chapter 03 and tried to use flashbacks to convey pre isekai story. I thought It was not good and hastily wrote chapter 1,2 and first part of chapter 3. So that I can publish, If not I'll procastinating and would never publish anything


I think it's kinda back firing

People might drop the series by chapter 02

Did you also actually felt like that?

I wanted to show Ren's actual personality first and then reveal pre isekai setup through flashbacks so that 'why he did this?' comes after seeing 'what he have done'

I'll upload chapter 04 soon too, after that can you give a shot again please

Ima be blunt. So first thing first.

Did I felt like I'll drop the series by chapter 2?
No.
But did I felt. Well i would have dropped the series at the middle of chapter 2 and at the ending of chapter 1.

Second thing. This type of isekai series is not my type, eh.

I like emotional types.

And Yes. I can well I would read your chapter 4 but I can't read the chapter 3 past from where I left.

It's taking a TOLL ON MY HEAD!

I wasn't trying to be mean! Okay? So don't let anything I say get you discouraged...

 

[Shorgoth]

Something that jumped at me very early on, this sentence "Rain in Neo-Veridian wasn't weather. It was infrastructure." The structure "it wasn't x it was x" is used a LOT by AI to the point it feels cliche at this time. You might want to watch out for it. It's one of these AIisms that tend not to work quite right most of the time anyway as the IA does poor analogies in general. This one is not nonsensical but it did pull me out of it immediately.

 

[Ararara]

is the pacing better now? and does kael feel more real and human?

Yes, much better

and is the flow fluid across the chapter? and is there still that AI choppiness and AI /Robotic feel?

There is still some choppiness, but I like it a lot more now

 

[greyblob]

reeks of ai. really hard to focus on anything else.