c37
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I wrote an entire chapter with an action scene, but I can't say if it is slow, fast, good, bad. I would appreciate if somebody took a look at it say what's bad and can be fixed.
The dark, cold hall of the chapel stretched, and pale moonlight fell onto the pillars on the right. Some of them were battered, on the verge of breaking. All of them held something lost in shadows. Deron, Neg, and Ryne moved slowly, their steps echoed along the hall.
Deron held a schimitar in his right hand, his bandmates were beside him as he walked forward. However, Deron was startled by the claps. Neg beside him flinched as she heard it.
Deep within the darkness in front of them, a voice spoke.
Clap-Clap-Clap.
“Well done!”
A gruff, monstrous voice echoed in the dark hall.
“You played well! Now it’s time for you to die.”
Deron’s grip tightened on the hilt, and he could feel his knuckles going white. The other two beside him braced themselves, and they bent a little with their weapon positioned in front of them.
They were ready for the entity’s attack. But nothing happened. The silence was deafening as they stood in their places.
All three of them exchanged looks; confusion was visible in their eyes.
Suddenly, a wave of coldness spread, igniting a row of braziers placed before the pillars. With a spark of green, A pale, lifeless flame danced on them. The hall, swallowed by darkness, was now painted in green.
Deron, Neg, and Ryne took a step back. Their eyes darted through the now-lit hall. Still, the shadows in the hall looked deeper and darker. Far in front of them, a lone stretch of stairs rose, and a throne on top of it had a long glaive lodged into it.
All three of them straightened their back, let their guard down as they saw the throne empty. Deron was surprised, as he expected an entity in front of him. But this was unusual. His bandmates carried the same expression.
The strange voice inside Deron was also perplexed and fell silent.
Neg whispered, loud enough to be heard.
“Is that the Terror of Ashen Chapel?”
Right then, the glaive in front of them disappeared. Deron looked around, Neg lifted her dagger, and Ryne braced. Moonlight flashed on a blade as it slashed Deron’s chest. But before it could slice him into two, he stepped back. So the blade only tore his leather armour.
Deron jumped back. He could feel a small cut on his chest. Neg did not move her eyes. She waited as the blade flashed again, but she could use her dagger to block it. The blade, however, did not stay. It disappeared once again.
The blade flashed again, but this time, Neg stood ready with her dagger. Before the blades could meet, the glaive switched its direction and moved toward Ryne.
Ryne was not ready, and the rapier was in his right arm. The blade advanced on the left side and pierced his left shoulder. He let out a shriek of pain as he stumbled back.
But the blade was still in his shoulder. He wrapped his arms around the handle and tried pulling it out. His face paled as he kept trying, but the blade did not budge. With a swift motion, the blade pulled itself out, and Ryne’s left arm flew into the air.
The silent hall now echoed with Ryne’s screams. He held his left shoulder and slumped onto the ground, and rolled on the floor.
Deron stood up and quickly pulled Neg back, as the blade flashed again in front of her face. In the last second, the blades slashed without cutting her. Both of them readied their weapons and stood on guard.
Their backs touched as they kept their eyes open and circled. Right then, the blade flashed again, and Deron threw his arm to block the blade before it could change its direction.
However, his blade only cut the air as the glaive was nowhere to be seen. Right then, he heard a grunt behind him.
He slowly turned back, his heart racing as his hands trembled.
Behind him, his partner stood.
Headless.
Silence swallowed the hall.
Deron moved forward to catch her body before it fell. He could feel something alien in his heart, and it felt heavy. Something rolled down his cheeks; it felt wet.
Tears?
He thought the strange voice had disappeared long ago, clearing his mind. The tears rolled down his cheek for the first time, as a fiend, he was not supposed to feel sadness. So why can he feel tears rolling down his cheek?
He cried as he clutched his partner’s corpse. As he cried, the blade appeared behind him, ready to behead him too. It slashed the air and quickly moved toward his neck.
Deron, however, stopped himself. His tears stopped flowing. Instead, he lay on the ground and let the blade pass. The blade whistled above him as he stared at it.
He slowly rose, his face tightened as he let the rage flow. He could feel his muscles being torn, and inside him, bones piercing his flesh, his face deformed as a maw of sharp fangs appeared on his face.
His eyes now split into two, as his fingers grew into sharp bone claws. He could feel his legs amassing muscle as he planted himself on the floor. Beside him, Ryne followed.
The blade now hovered in the air at the centre of the hall.
Both of them went unbound, and each looked like the beast they are. Without any delay, both of them advanced toward the blade. Deron could no longer think like a gladiator. He gave in to his instinct.
Deron ran like a beast, using his hands and legs. He scrapped his right claw as he approached the blade. Ryne jumped on the blade with his right claw about to pierce the blade.
The steel rang as both of their bone claws met the blade. The blade stuck in its place, holding Deron and Ryne back. Growls echoed in the hall as they screamed.
The blade did not vanish this time. Instead, it let out a burst of green light. Deron and Ryne stumbled back as the green light penetrated their eyes. Within a second, they cleared their head and looked at the blade. A low snarl escaped their maws.
The blade was no longer hovering; it was now firmly grasped by a green figure. It was hard for Deron to make out the details as the figure’s features shifted with each passing second.
The figure gently lifted his glaive and pointed it toward Deron and Ryne. A wave of green figures with black skeletons flew toward them like fire.
Deron braced himself as he planted his feet, and the wave of green hit him with full force. He crashed into the pillar behind him as wave by wave, each green figure in the wave forced its way into his feral mind.
Ryne ran, and he lacked his left arm to brace. He paced around the hall as he barely missed the wave. But soon, he was caught by it and fell near Deron. A pillar was behind Ryne.
Both of them were now forced to stay in their place as the entity sent a barrage of souls to invade their minds. Their feral form slowly shifted; the muscles, bones, and maw now changed to normal.
Deron kneeled on the ground as the plight of countless souls he experienced in his mind rendered his consciousness useless. A faint wheeze escaped his drooling lips as his head swayed. Everything in his brain was now shapeless, they shifted continuously.
Beside him, Ryne was in the same situation; he leaned against the pillar and let out faint wheezes. However, he could still call his bandmate.
“D-deron.”
Deron did not turn; he kneeled as his consciousness faded slowly. Everything in front of him was chaotic, too bright, too vibrant. So he instead closed his eyes and stopped breathing involuntarily.
The green figure moved toward Deron and lifted its glaive up. With a swift swing, the blade cut the air and was about to end Deron’s miserable body.
But, deep inside him, a voice echoed.
I refuse.
With that, he gripped the glaive as it reached his shoulder and directed it toward Ryne. He made sure the blade killed his former bandmate and pierced the pillar behind. A hint of resentment was visible in Ryne’s dim eyes before life faded away from them. The glaive was stuck in the pillar.
He stood up and ran toward a corner and thought.
Deron might have died, but I still need proof of the gold.
When Aegis saw the glaive in the air from Deron’s eyes, he knew Deron would die. However, Aegis still wanted to see the gold pile. He wanted to confirm his dream and Deron wouldn’t leave his partner alone, so he decided to let Deron die in a way his body won’t change, and finally, he could take control of it.
Aegis regained his consciousness in Deron’s body; due to Deron’s consciousness, Aegis could fully manifest his thoughts. But since Deron died, his body was Aegis’s to command. He checked every doorway attached to the corners.
However, none of them led down. Aegis ran as he reached a column of stairs spiralling down, and ,he quickly descended into the darkness. The fiend’s eyes were doing an excellent job as he moved.
Behind him, a loud thud could be heard; it felt as if the glaive pulled the entire pillar out and caused rubble to fall. Aegis quickly climbed down, and he moved forward in the darkness and finally stood before a giant metal gate, which was circular and slightly open.
Aegis, without any delay, went toward a rotating lever beside the gate and gripped the handle on it. He pulled the lever hard, but it did not budge. With all the might in Deron’s body, he managed to pull the lever enough for the gate to move.
He rotated the handle till the gate opened halfway. Aegis, in Deron’s body, gently stepped in front of the half-opened gate and stared, his eyes widened as he did not believe it.
The pile of gold in his dream was dwarfed in comparison to the sea of gold in front of him; he smiled as he witnessed his way to freedom. With this, he could pay off his master and leave Inanitas once and for all.
But before Aegis could react, Deron’s eyes, along with the top of his head, flew into the air and fell onto the ground. Aegis could see Deron’s body falling onto the ground.
However, Aegis did not care. He got what he wanted.
But the green figure spoke before Aegis left the memory.
“We will meet again… Slave.”
Deron held a schimitar in his right hand, his bandmates were beside him as he walked forward. However, Deron was startled by the claps. Neg beside him flinched as she heard it.
Deep within the darkness in front of them, a voice spoke.
Clap-Clap-Clap.
“Well done!”
A gruff, monstrous voice echoed in the dark hall.
“You played well! Now it’s time for you to die.”
Deron’s grip tightened on the hilt, and he could feel his knuckles going white. The other two beside him braced themselves, and they bent a little with their weapon positioned in front of them.
They were ready for the entity’s attack. But nothing happened. The silence was deafening as they stood in their places.
All three of them exchanged looks; confusion was visible in their eyes.
Suddenly, a wave of coldness spread, igniting a row of braziers placed before the pillars. With a spark of green, A pale, lifeless flame danced on them. The hall, swallowed by darkness, was now painted in green.
Deron, Neg, and Ryne took a step back. Their eyes darted through the now-lit hall. Still, the shadows in the hall looked deeper and darker. Far in front of them, a lone stretch of stairs rose, and a throne on top of it had a long glaive lodged into it.
All three of them straightened their back, let their guard down as they saw the throne empty. Deron was surprised, as he expected an entity in front of him. But this was unusual. His bandmates carried the same expression.
The strange voice inside Deron was also perplexed and fell silent.
Neg whispered, loud enough to be heard.
“Is that the Terror of Ashen Chapel?”
Right then, the glaive in front of them disappeared. Deron looked around, Neg lifted her dagger, and Ryne braced. Moonlight flashed on a blade as it slashed Deron’s chest. But before it could slice him into two, he stepped back. So the blade only tore his leather armour.
Deron jumped back. He could feel a small cut on his chest. Neg did not move her eyes. She waited as the blade flashed again, but she could use her dagger to block it. The blade, however, did not stay. It disappeared once again.
The blade flashed again, but this time, Neg stood ready with her dagger. Before the blades could meet, the glaive switched its direction and moved toward Ryne.
Ryne was not ready, and the rapier was in his right arm. The blade advanced on the left side and pierced his left shoulder. He let out a shriek of pain as he stumbled back.
But the blade was still in his shoulder. He wrapped his arms around the handle and tried pulling it out. His face paled as he kept trying, but the blade did not budge. With a swift motion, the blade pulled itself out, and Ryne’s left arm flew into the air.
The silent hall now echoed with Ryne’s screams. He held his left shoulder and slumped onto the ground, and rolled on the floor.
Deron stood up and quickly pulled Neg back, as the blade flashed again in front of her face. In the last second, the blades slashed without cutting her. Both of them readied their weapons and stood on guard.
Their backs touched as they kept their eyes open and circled. Right then, the blade flashed again, and Deron threw his arm to block the blade before it could change its direction.
However, his blade only cut the air as the glaive was nowhere to be seen. Right then, he heard a grunt behind him.
He slowly turned back, his heart racing as his hands trembled.
Behind him, his partner stood.
Headless.
Silence swallowed the hall.
Deron moved forward to catch her body before it fell. He could feel something alien in his heart, and it felt heavy. Something rolled down his cheeks; it felt wet.
Tears?
He thought the strange voice had disappeared long ago, clearing his mind. The tears rolled down his cheek for the first time, as a fiend, he was not supposed to feel sadness. So why can he feel tears rolling down his cheek?
He cried as he clutched his partner’s corpse. As he cried, the blade appeared behind him, ready to behead him too. It slashed the air and quickly moved toward his neck.
Deron, however, stopped himself. His tears stopped flowing. Instead, he lay on the ground and let the blade pass. The blade whistled above him as he stared at it.
He slowly rose, his face tightened as he let the rage flow. He could feel his muscles being torn, and inside him, bones piercing his flesh, his face deformed as a maw of sharp fangs appeared on his face.
His eyes now split into two, as his fingers grew into sharp bone claws. He could feel his legs amassing muscle as he planted himself on the floor. Beside him, Ryne followed.
The blade now hovered in the air at the centre of the hall.
Both of them went unbound, and each looked like the beast they are. Without any delay, both of them advanced toward the blade. Deron could no longer think like a gladiator. He gave in to his instinct.
Deron ran like a beast, using his hands and legs. He scrapped his right claw as he approached the blade. Ryne jumped on the blade with his right claw about to pierce the blade.
The steel rang as both of their bone claws met the blade. The blade stuck in its place, holding Deron and Ryne back. Growls echoed in the hall as they screamed.
The blade did not vanish this time. Instead, it let out a burst of green light. Deron and Ryne stumbled back as the green light penetrated their eyes. Within a second, they cleared their head and looked at the blade. A low snarl escaped their maws.
The blade was no longer hovering; it was now firmly grasped by a green figure. It was hard for Deron to make out the details as the figure’s features shifted with each passing second.
The figure gently lifted his glaive and pointed it toward Deron and Ryne. A wave of green figures with black skeletons flew toward them like fire.
Deron braced himself as he planted his feet, and the wave of green hit him with full force. He crashed into the pillar behind him as wave by wave, each green figure in the wave forced its way into his feral mind.
Ryne ran, and he lacked his left arm to brace. He paced around the hall as he barely missed the wave. But soon, he was caught by it and fell near Deron. A pillar was behind Ryne.
Both of them were now forced to stay in their place as the entity sent a barrage of souls to invade their minds. Their feral form slowly shifted; the muscles, bones, and maw now changed to normal.
Deron kneeled on the ground as the plight of countless souls he experienced in his mind rendered his consciousness useless. A faint wheeze escaped his drooling lips as his head swayed. Everything in his brain was now shapeless, they shifted continuously.
Beside him, Ryne was in the same situation; he leaned against the pillar and let out faint wheezes. However, he could still call his bandmate.
“D-deron.”
Deron did not turn; he kneeled as his consciousness faded slowly. Everything in front of him was chaotic, too bright, too vibrant. So he instead closed his eyes and stopped breathing involuntarily.
The green figure moved toward Deron and lifted its glaive up. With a swift swing, the blade cut the air and was about to end Deron’s miserable body.
But, deep inside him, a voice echoed.
I refuse.
With that, he gripped the glaive as it reached his shoulder and directed it toward Ryne. He made sure the blade killed his former bandmate and pierced the pillar behind. A hint of resentment was visible in Ryne’s dim eyes before life faded away from them. The glaive was stuck in the pillar.
He stood up and ran toward a corner and thought.
Deron might have died, but I still need proof of the gold.
When Aegis saw the glaive in the air from Deron’s eyes, he knew Deron would die. However, Aegis still wanted to see the gold pile. He wanted to confirm his dream and Deron wouldn’t leave his partner alone, so he decided to let Deron die in a way his body won’t change, and finally, he could take control of it.
Aegis regained his consciousness in Deron’s body; due to Deron’s consciousness, Aegis could fully manifest his thoughts. But since Deron died, his body was Aegis’s to command. He checked every doorway attached to the corners.
However, none of them led down. Aegis ran as he reached a column of stairs spiralling down, and ,he quickly descended into the darkness. The fiend’s eyes were doing an excellent job as he moved.
Behind him, a loud thud could be heard; it felt as if the glaive pulled the entire pillar out and caused rubble to fall. Aegis quickly climbed down, and he moved forward in the darkness and finally stood before a giant metal gate, which was circular and slightly open.
Aegis, without any delay, went toward a rotating lever beside the gate and gripped the handle on it. He pulled the lever hard, but it did not budge. With all the might in Deron’s body, he managed to pull the lever enough for the gate to move.
He rotated the handle till the gate opened halfway. Aegis, in Deron’s body, gently stepped in front of the half-opened gate and stared, his eyes widened as he did not believe it.
The pile of gold in his dream was dwarfed in comparison to the sea of gold in front of him; he smiled as he witnessed his way to freedom. With this, he could pay off his master and leave Inanitas once and for all.
But before Aegis could react, Deron’s eyes, along with the top of his head, flew into the air and fell onto the ground. Aegis could see Deron’s body falling onto the ground.
However, Aegis did not care. He got what he wanted.
But the green figure spoke before Aegis left the memory.
“We will meet again… Slave.”
