I really appreciate your response regarding the story of my novel.

[Amedette]

Hello, I just uploaded a story to this website, and I'd really like some feedback on it. That's what I wanted to share.

Thank you so much for your attention!

 

[Eldoria]

Where is link of the story?

 

[Amedette]

Di mana tautan ceritanya?

The Elusive Sorcerer

His consciousness shifted abruptly into the body of a young man named Zavi Actitus, with no memory of anything before he awoke in a world on the brink of crisis, a world shrouded in suffocating supernatural forces and mysterious, unexplained deaths. Seeking a path and freedom in his new...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[Eldoria]

Quick feedback after reading the prologue:

Your writing isn't bad, and the flow is quite fluid. However, the narrative structure has the following narrative flaws:

The blue moonlight shimmered beautifully in the sky alongside hundreds of sparkling stars; the sight was truly mesmerizing and heartwarming.



From the downstairs window in the living room, Liam Tirarty realized that he was inside an unfamiliar house, accompanied by a strange feeling that had haunted him since he woke up and a sense of disorientation as his past memories overlapped with his current ones.
At a glance, his gaze fell upon the cobblestone street outside, where not a single person could be seen passing by. Confusion enveloped his mind. Where exactly was he?

"Who is he? How did I end up in this person's body?" he muttered in confusion, his blue eyes glimmering in the dim light, fixed on his own reflection in the window glass.

'Right now, I am on Street Eleven. Vica. This house is located in Chapena District, Moran City, Kingdom of Norn. Mysticism has always been deeply rooted in this kingdom, not merely as belief, but as a part of everyday life…'

He was shocked, never expecting Norn to resemble the city where he once lived on Earth.
In various cities, particularly in the Havanuheta province, supernatural incidents often occurred and ended tragically, claiming lives in horrifying ways.

The cause of those deaths had never been clearly identified, and even now, on Saturday, October 20, news of consecutive deaths was spreading while the authorities had no answers for any of it. At the same time, prophecies about the coming apocalypse circulated widely. No one knew when it would happen. There was no exact date, month, or year...

Even the main church that worshipped the god Auneron, the bringer of fortune and virtue, was somewhat concerned about all of this and instructed the people in the city to remain calm and not worry about it.

An hour had passed since Liam's soul transferred into the body of a twenty-year-old young man named Zavi Actitus. But he only realized it at night.

In this simple two-story house with a total of seven rooms, Zavi lived with his mother, Mei Actitus, his older brother, Ren Actitus, and his younger sister, Isabelle Actitus.
He was the second child in the family.
More precisely, the first.

'So… when Zavi was five years old, his father left without any clear reason. Isabelle was only one year old at that time.
'Zavi’s mother, Mei, said that his father had remarried. That was all. No explanation. No reason. Some time later, his mother also remarried, to her senior from school. She brought along a son. Ren. Ten years old. His mother had passed away. Since then, their family had gained one more member. But Zavi’s biological father… would never return…'

Liam felt a slight sense of pity as he turned away, his gaze drifting toward the second floor.
Since childhood, Zavi had been obsessed with apocalyptic prophecies said to spread across the entire continent of Chynoria, especially in the Kingdom of Norn, one of them in Moran City, far from the dominant kingdoms in the east near the sea.

His deep curiosity inadvertently led him into the supernatural world. His older brother, Ren, knew about this and repeatedly warned him to stop doing dangerous things. However, they held different views. Young Zavi believed in those prophecies, while his brother considered them nothing more than fabricated stories by those in power.

Since that day, Zavi no longer wanted to speak with his brother. And... as time passed, at the age of 18, Zavi no longer believed in those absurd prophecies and began to recall his brother’s words from nine years ago, precisely half a month after their father’s death.
On that same date, October 20, 1543, star calendar, Saturday, exactly at 8:15 in the morning, Zavi committed suicide by stabbing his own heart with a knife.

Why did he do it? Because on Thursday, the 18th, he went with his friend to a place known as sacred, in the Tezny district, and on Friday night he felt an uncomfortable sensation in his body.

Such as the appearance of two black spots on his left and right wrists or his neck, along with a tingling sensation in both his hands and feet.
On Saturday morning, right after breakfast, the sensation became so intense that his body reached its limit, and Zavi stabbed his own heart with a kitchen knife. On that day, none of his family members knew about it.

That death triggered Liam’s soul to forcibly take over his body

At this moment, Liam could not speak after experiencing this strange incident. After waking up, he realized he had to hide the knife in his wardrobe because his brother would return with his mother.

First, why did you include an info dump of the MC's background after he transmigrated?

The above narration is an info dump through the narrator's voice. Giving an info dump at the beginning of the prologue kills the suspense.

Your fiction genre is mystery; mysteries should be revealed gradually to maintain subtle suspense.

Second, why use a narrator's voice to explain the scenes?

In the mystery genre, using a consistent MC POV (usually a limited third POV) can provide better information management because all information is filtered from the MC's perception.

It allows the reader to solve the mystery along with what the main character understands.

Third, why does the MC feel like a normal person even though he just transmigrated?

Generally, normal people will experience culture shock when faced with a foreign environment. The MC's characterization here still feels like a plot device rather than a living character.

Fourth, why are the character, plot, and worldbuilding information conveyed through the narrator's voice when you provide active scenes where the MC directly interacts with other characters and the environment?

Using a narrator's voice is a quick way to make the reader understand and quickly forget it. Because the information is interpreted by the narrator; not the reader's interpretation.

Readers should be given the space to engage with the narrative by becoming active interpreters rather than passive listeners. Please revisit the principle of "show it, don't tell it!"

Well, it's my quick feedback.

Regards.

 

[Amedette]

Tanggapan singkat setelah membaca prolog:

Tulisan Anda tidak buruk, dan alurnya cukup lancar. Namun, struktur naratifnya memiliki kekurangan naratif sebagai berikut:













Pertama , mengapa Anda menyertakan deskripsi panjang lebar tentang latar belakang karakter utama setelah dia bereinkarnasi?

Narasi di atas adalah penyampaian informasi secara terburu-buru melalui suara narator. Menyampaikan informasi secara terburu-buru di awal prolog akan menghilangkan ketegangan.

Genre fiksi Anda adalah misteri; misteri harus diungkapkan secara bertahap untuk mempertahankan ketegangan yang halus.

Kedua , mengapa menggunakan suara narator untuk menjelaskan adegan-adegan tersebut?

Dalam genre misteri, penggunaan sudut pandang MC yang konsisten (biasanya sudut pandang orang ketiga yang terbatas) dapat memberikan informasi pengelolaan yang lebih baik karena semua informasi penyaringan dari persepsi MC.

Hal ini memungkinkan pembaca untuk memecahkan misteri secara bersamaan dengan apa yang dipahami oleh tokoh utama.

Ketiga , mengapa MC merasa seperti orang normal meskipun dia baru saja bereinkarnasi?

Pada umumnya, orang normal akan mengalami gegar budaya ketika dihadapkan dengan lingkungan asing. Karakterisasi tokoh utama di sini masih terasa seperti alat plot daripada karakter yang hidup.

Keempat , mengapa informasi tentang karakter, plot, dan pembangunan dunia disampaikan melalui suara narator padahal Anda menyediakan adegan aktif di mana MC berinteraksi langsung dengan karakter lain dan lingkungan?

Menggunakan suara narator adalah cara cepat untuk membuat pembaca mengerti dan kemudian cepat melupakannya. Karena informasi tersebut diinterpretasikan oleh narator; bukan diterjemahkan pembaca.

Pembaca harus diberi ruang untuk terlibat dengan narasi dengan menjadi penafsir aktif, bukan pendengar pasif. Mohon tinjau kembali prinsip "tunjukkan, jangan ceritakan!"

Baiklah, ini tanggapan singkat saya.

Salam.

Tanggapan singkat setelah membaca prolog:

Tulisan Anda tidak buruk, dan alurnya cukup lancar. Namun, struktur naratifnya memiliki kekurangan naratif sebagai berikut:













Pertama , mengapa Anda menyertakan deskripsi panjang lebar tentang latar belakang karakter utama setelah dia bereinkarnasi?

Narasi di atas adalah penyampaian informasi secara terburu-buru melalui suara narator. Menyampaikan informasi secara terburu-buru di awal prolog akan menghilangkan ketegangan.

Genre fiksi Anda adalah misteri; misteri harus diungkapkan secara bertahap untuk mempertahankan ketegangan yang halus.

Kedua , mengapa menggunakan suara narator untuk menjelaskan adegan-adegan tersebut?

Dalam genre misteri, penggunaan sudut pandang MC yang konsisten (biasanya sudut pandang orang ketiga yang terbatas) dapat memberikan informasi pengelolaan yang lebih baik karena semua informasi penyaringan dari persepsi MC.

Hal ini memungkinkan pembaca untuk memecahkan misteri secara bersamaan dengan apa yang dipahami oleh tokoh utama.

Ketiga , mengapa MC merasa seperti orang normal meskipun dia baru saja bereinkarnasi?

Pada umumnya, orang normal akan mengalami gegar budaya ketika dihadapkan dengan lingkungan asing. Karakterisasi tokoh utama di sini masih terasa seperti alat plot daripada karakter yang hidup.

Keempat , mengapa informasi tentang karakter, plot, dan pembangunan dunia disampaikan melalui suara narator padahal Anda menyediakan adegan aktif di mana MC berinteraksi langsung dengan karakter lain dan lingkungan?

Menggunakan suara narator adalah cara cepat untuk membuat pembaca mengerti dan kemudian cepat melupakannya. Karena informasi tersebut diinterpretasikan oleh narator; bukan diterjemahkan pembaca.

Pembaca harus diberi ruang untuk terlibat dengan narasi dengan menjadi penafsir aktif, bukan pendengar pasif. Mohon tinjau kembali prinsip "tunjukkan, jangan ceritakan!"

Baiklah, ini tanggapan singkat saya.

Salam.

Thank you for the feedback, I know that I have a weakness in explaining too often than showing through characters and often being repetitive like the novels I read.

If you ask about the third problem, well, because he is used to it, "He didn't expect that this place would be exactly the same as the earth where he lives." That's what made him used to it, even though he was scared when he saw the black figure earlier.

 

[Eldoria]

Thank you for the feedback, I know that I have a weakness in explaining too often than showing through characters and often being repetitive like the novels I read.

Showing isn't about repetition; it's about how the reader interprets information through active scenes without a narrator's voice. If there are repeated scenes, it's best to use scene summaries to speed up the pacing.

If you ask about the third problem, well, because he is used to it, "He didn't expect that this place would be exactly the same as the earth where he lives." That's what made him used to it, even though he was scared when he saw the black figure earlier.

Also, your answer... further reinforces your character as more of a plot device, a character whose existence exists solely for the plot. In other words, a character exists not because they exist in the story, but because the author wants them to.

 

[Rosica]

Di mana tautan ceritanya?

The Elusive Sorcerer

His consciousness shifted abruptly into the body of a young man named Zavi Actitus, with no memory of anything before he awoke in a world on the brink of crisis, a world shrouded in suffocating supernatural forces and mysterious, unexplained deaths. Seeking a path and freedom in his new...

www.scribblehub.com

Did you just turned Eldoria into a catgirl? Pesulap Merah.

Ampun Mas Marcel.

 

[Amedette]

Apakah kau baru saja mengubah Eldoria menjadi gadis kucing? Pesulap Merah.

Apakah kau baru saja mengubah Eldoria menjadi gadis kucing? Pesulap Merah.

Ampun Mas Marcel.

Orang Indonesia, kan?

 

[c37]

Showing isn't about repetition; it's about how the reader interprets information through active scenes without a narrator's voice. If there are repeated scenes, it's best to use scene summaries to speed up the pacing.


Also, your answer... further reinforces your character as more of a plot device, a character whose existence exists solely for the plot. In other words, a character exists not because they exist in the story, but because the author wants them to.

To simplify her words, your character is more reactive than active. The plot is driving him rather, and it will quickly turn boring if this goes on.