[Riview Request] I just have been reworked my old novel, Did anyone want to give me riview about the progress?

[Kazehiro]

Here, I’d like to ask for help reviewing the early version of this story while it’s still in its beginning stages. I want to make this second work of mine better than my previous one. So, if anyone has the time, I’d really appreciate it if you could read the opening scenes. For now, there are only 9 chapters, so it shouldn’t take too long.

What I needed is the most weakest point about the plot, the pacing I'm building and how the characters are.

In this story, the main plot revolves around the MC, who in the past made a fatal mistake that caused his family’s car to fall into a ravine. It killed both of his parents, burned half of his face, and left his younger sister permanently crippled, forcing her to walk with a limp.

His sister hates him deeply, to the point where she wishes he had never been born. On the other hand, the MC, who carries his entire life under the weight of guilt, struggles desperately to provide for her and constantly tries to spoil her. He buys her gifts and does everything he can just to avoid being hated by her. But no matter what he does, all he receives in return are insults and rejection.

One night, after coming home from work, the MC finds his sister covered in blood, attempting to take her own life. As he panics, not knowing what to do, her personality suddenly changes completely. She becomes calm, gentle, and soft, even embracing her brother after such a long time.

This is where the real story begins.
His sister, after struggling for more than a thousand years in another world, has finally returned to Earth… back to her brother’s side.

[WARNING! This story contains heavy Gore-Psychological themes. There will be many elements that may make some readers uncomfortable, including manipulation, emotional distress, and disturbing scene depictions.]

If you guys would like to help me, here's the link :

After Returning From Another World, My Sister Became Obsessed With Me [Rework]

'What is the most precious thing in the world? For me, it was 'home' ... until I burned it to the ground.' A single mistake I've done cost me everything, my parents' lives, my face scarred by Disgusting burns, and my sister’s ability to walk. For years, Rika looked...

www.scribblehub.com

Wait, sorry if the tittle is a bit miss, my grammar sometimes make an eror because its my 3 langue

 

[Eldoria]

This thread should be placed in the feedback section.

@Zinless You have a new patient who needs to be moved to another room. Sorry for the inconvenience.

 

[Rosica]

I want to make this second work of mine better than my previous one.

Better? That's very vague. Tell me what you want to improve. Formatting? The prose? Structure? Or do you want others to point out which aspect from your story are the weakest?

Wait, sorry if the tittle is a bit miss, my grammar sometimes make an eror because its my 3 langue

It's alright, no one will send you to Gulag over irregular grammar. Even Gemoy won't do that. You're safe.

Just don't criticize MBG.

 

[Kazehiro]

Better? That's very vague. Tell me what you want to improve. Formatting? The prose? Structure? Or do you want others to point out which aspect from your story are the weakest?


It's alright, no one will send you to Gulag over irregular grammar. Even Gemoy won't do that. You're safe.

Just don't criticize MBG.

I see I didn't point out about which aspect yet.

What I needed is the most weakest point about the plot, the pacing I'm building and how the characters are.

(Already edit the threat)

This thread should be placed in the feedback section.

@Zinless You have a new patient who needs to be moved to another room. Sorry for the inconvenience.

Thanks, actually it's my second time posting about this in here, sorry for the inconveniences (2)

 

[Rosica]

Thanks, actually it's my second time posting about this in here, sorry for the inconveniences (2)

58% SH users don't know the forum even exists. You're better than that.

 

[Eldoria]

I see I didn't point out about which aspect yet.

What I needed is the most weakest point about the plot, the pacing I'm building and how the characters are.

I just read the synopsis and skimmed through chapter 1. My impression is that the synopsis is excellent.

You transformed a (boring) plot summary into the promise of an (engaging) emotional experience for (potential) readers. I immediately felt emotionally connected and knew where the story was headed.

For the prologue, the format is neat and easy to read, even when skimming. Regarding your three points, I can't comment (at this time) because I haven't read your chapters in depth.

 

[Rosica]

For the prologue, the format is neat and easy to read, even when skimming. Regarding your three points, I can't comment (at this time) because I haven't read your chapters in depth.

I don't think he need our help. He have already written four books before and I see no major issues with this one. I believe he has reached the peak of his growth as an author and is hitting a plateau. That is the problem. He is stagnating.

Sometimes, the only way to become better is to get worse first. Try experimenting on different writing styles.

 

[Eldoria]

I don't think he need our help. He have already written four books before and I see no major issues with this one. I believe he has reached the peak of his growth as an author and is hitting a plateau. That is the problem. He is stagnating.

Sometimes, the only way to become better is to get worse first. Try experimenting on different writing styles.

I checked his profile... and yeah, he has a lot of work. One of them caught my interest (skip this part). The point is right, he doesn't really need technical assistance from fellow writers. What he needs more now is validation of his work.

He needs readers (alpha/beta) to read his work, to assess their reading experience, to evaluate how adaptable the work is to the casual reader market according to the market segment he's targeting. Because his work is no longer a draft (prototype), but a product ready to be enjoyed by the mass consumer.

Anyone reading this thread, should position themselves as a "reader" trying to relax while reading his fiction. You will help the OP if you provide an honest assessment as a reader rather than a writer or editor.

 

[Kazehiro]

I don't think he need our help. He have already written four books before and I see no major issues with this one. I believe he has reached the peak of his growth as an author and is hitting a plateau. That is the problem. He is stagnating.

Sometimes, the only way to become better is to get worse first. Try experimenting on different writing styles.

It is, I guess you are right, i'm at the point of asking myself "Did I do everything right?"

I checked his profile... and yeah, he has a lot of work. One of them caught my interest (skip this part). The point is right, he doesn't really need technical assistance from fellow writers. What he needs more now is validation of his work.

He needs readers (alpha/beta) to read his work, to assess their reading experience, to evaluate how adaptable the work is to the casual reader market according to the market segment he's targeting. Because his work is no longer a draft (prototype), but a product ready to be enjoyed by the mass consumer.

Anyone reading this thread, should position themselves as a "reader" trying to relax while reading his fiction. You will help the OP if you provide an honest assessment as a reader rather than a writer or editor.

Thanks so much for this feedback, you know ... I already see this forum was supportive at each other. But beeing the one that receiving feedback, I feel like the positives energy really give much provide on each other.

Thanks. I'll wait for another people response with this

 

[Eldoria]

What I needed is the most weakest point about the plot, the pacing I'm building and how the characters are.

I'll be honest with you, dude. I'm a tolerant reader, and I won't complain about occasional diction and grammar errors. I'm more concerned with the visualization and immersion of the scene based on my reading experience.

After reading your two chapters, I'm pretty sure... your narrative contains a narrative structural error that causes the pacing to feel slow: over description and melodrama.

When I read your narrative, I felt tired, even though the plot is quite simple.

After I examined it, it turned out that your narrative was too over-descriptive: the use of excessive sensory details, the use of character movements that were too mechanical, and the narrator's voice providing exposition within a single paragraph of narration.

Your narrative feels more like it's forcing the reader to feel the character's feelings rather than letting the reader experience what the character feels. That's melodrama.

It's not good because it overloads the reader's mental burden of processing information. It's why I felt exhausted while reading your narrative.

Also, your narrative also mixes showing and telling in one scene. For example, when you describe a character's emotions, you provide a lot of sensory details, actions, psychological reactions, and atmosphere. But you still insert the narrator's voice to explain what the character is experiencing (e.g., "confused," "angry," "sad," etc). It creates redundancy; the narrative is too wasteful.

You seem worried that the reader won't understand what the character is experiencing. It's why you insert a narrator's voice into your narrative while the scene is in progress.

The solution? Well, simplify your narrative! A scene will feel more impactful, more immersive, if it comes alive in the reader's imagination.

Every descriptive detail should add value to the scene. If a descriptive detail doesn't add value to the scene, you can remove it.

You need to be more selective in your descriptions, choosing sensory details, actions, psychological reactions, and the most prominent atmosphere to narrate the scene alive.

Also, remove the narrator's voice describing the scene. Trust your readers! You don't need to explain "she/he is sad" (telling) when the narrative already provides narrative clues related to the character's sadness (showing) such as tears rolling down his cheeks, his voice cracking when the protagonist hugs his injured sister.

I think if you can trim your descriptions by about 50%, your narrative will be more efficient without reducing immersion... and avoid melodrama. As a result, the scene is more vivid and the pacing feels faster.

 

[Rosica]

You seem worried that the reader won't understand what the character is experiencing. It's why you insert a narrator's voice into your narrative while the scene is in progress.

To be fair, majority of readers in SH are Americans with low reading comprehension. But making the description longer won't help them because they have short attention spans.