New author seeking feedback and advice

[Eldoria]

@Eldoria I posted the chapter. I tried improving it. Please see if pov still lacking

Well, I've read chapter 7. My impression... this chapter is quite solid compared to the previous chapters. The narrative uses a limited third POV following Aiko to narrate the travel scenes in the town square, library, flashbacks from the diary and church. Overall, as a reader, I didn't feel lost while reading this chapter. However, there are some notes that could be further noted:

(1) POV sometimes feels like it shifts to an objective third POV rather than a limited third POV. For example:

When the scene describes the atmosphere of the square in detail from the fountain, the children, to the sunlight. It's good for the atmosphere.

However, this POV actually shifts to an objective third POV. Why?

Because the narrative camera shoots this scene objectively and in detail. If this narrative is perceived through Aiko (limited third POV) then this scene will be more personal and subjective.

Aiko can't possibly perceive the environment objectively from just a glance (Aiko looking while walking casually).

This is a POV leak but it's a minor. Causal readers probably won't notice it but critical readers might notice this, reducing immersion.

You need to be more disciplined in applying POV. Environmental information should be filtered from Aiko's senses and perceptions. Instead of narrating the plaza scene objectively, you could limit the scene to what Aiko experiences. For example:

Aiko looks to the left. (Narrate what Aiko sees as far as her vision, such as the fountain.)

Aiko stops in front of the fountain. (Narrate how the water splashes against her clothes, making her skin feel wet.)

Notice how each scene is always framed by what Aiko subjectively experiences through her five senses. This is what's called a deep limited third POV (deep POV). This narration allows the reader not just to see the scene but to experience it.

(2) Then... for the diary scene, the initial transition from Aiko's POV to the diary is quite smooth.

However, the diary narration might feel too long for exposition. You could condense the scene into a more concise one. Take the information needed for foreshadowing and discard information that isn't relevant to the plot. This will make the pacing more fluid.

Also, the transition between the diary ending and returning to Aiko's POV feels rough. The final transition would have been smoother if you had used the symbolism of story closure by closing the final page of the book, instead of jumping straight to Aiko returning from the library.

Well, that's a bit of feedback from me.

Regards.

 

[OrionVale]

Honestly the slice of life atmosphere in the story is very strong that im reacting it to like a vampire towards sunlight after reading all those chinese ffs.
I felt the mc didnt match her age when reading tho.
Rest all felt good and a bit descriptive but lacking an energy?

That was my point mc act like child. Since her body was of a 15 yrs old japanese woman. Also it's important to emphasize her childish for later purpose. Also what do you energy. Can I have example?

Well, I've read chapter 7. My impression... this chapter is quite solid compared to the previous chapters. The narrative uses a limited third POV following Aiko to narrate the travel scenes in the town square, library, flashbacks from the diary and church. Overall, as a reader, I didn't feel lost while reading this chapter. However, there are some notes that could be further noted:

(1) POV sometimes feels like it shifts to an objective third POV rather than a limited third POV. For example:

When the scene describes the atmosphere of the square in detail from the fountain, the children, to the sunlight. It's good for the atmosphere.

However, this POV actually shifts to an objective third POV. Why?

Because the narrative camera shoots this scene objectively and in detail. If this narrative is perceived through Aiko (limited third POV) then this scene will be more personal and subjective.

Aiko can't possibly perceive the environment objectively from just a glance (Aiko looking while walking casually).

This is a POV leak but it's a minor. Causal readers probably won't notice it but critical readers might notice this, reducing immersion.

You need to be more disciplined in applying POV. Environmental information should be filtered from Aiko's senses and perceptions. Instead of narrating the plaza scene objectively, you could limit the scene to what Aiko experiences. For example:

Aiko looks to the left. (Narrate what Aiko sees as far as her vision, such as the fountain.)

Aiko stops in front of the fountain. (Narrate how the water splashes against her clothes, making her skin feel wet.)

Notice how each scene is always framed by what Aiko subjectively experiences through her five senses. This is what's called a deep limited third POV (deep POV). This narration allows the reader not just to see the scene but to experience it.

(2) Then... for the diary scene, the initial transition from Aiko's POV to the diary is quite smooth.

However, the diary narration might feel too long for exposition. You could condense the scene into a more concise one. Take the information needed for foreshadowing and discard information that isn't relevant to the plot. This will make the pacing more fluid.

Also, the transition between the diary ending and returning to Aiko's POV feels rough. The final transition would have been smoother if you had used the symbolism of story closure by closing the final page of the book, instead of jumping straight to Aiko returning from the library.

Well, that's a bit of feedback from me.

Regards.

I see I'll fix the scenery through her 5 senses rather than describing it. And the transition in flashback to aiko going to temple is something I imagine as a manga panel that's why it became like that. Thank you I'll be back with chapter 8.

 

[OrionVale]

Well, I've read chapter 7. My impression... this chapter is quite solid compared to the previous chapters. The narrative uses a limited third POV following Aiko to narrate the travel scenes in the town square, library, flashbacks from the diary and church. Overall, as a reader, I didn't feel lost while reading this chapter. However, there are some notes that could be further noted:

(1) POV sometimes feels like it shifts to an objective third POV rather than a limited third POV. For example:

When the scene describes the atmosphere of the square in detail from the fountain, the children, to the sunlight. It's good for the atmosphere.

However, this POV actually shifts to an objective third POV. Why?

Because the narrative camera shoots this scene objectively and in detail. If this narrative is perceived through Aiko (limited third POV) then this scene will be more personal and subjective.

Aiko can't possibly perceive the environment objectively from just a glance (Aiko looking while walking casually).

This is a POV leak but it's a minor. Causal readers probably won't notice it but critical readers might notice this, reducing immersion.

You need to be more disciplined in applying POV. Environmental information should be filtered from Aiko's senses and perceptions. Instead of narrating the plaza scene objectively, you could limit the scene to what Aiko experiences. For example:

Aiko looks to the left. (Narrate what Aiko sees as far as her vision, such as the fountain.)

Aiko stops in front of the fountain. (Narrate how the water splashes against her clothes, making her skin feel wet.)

Notice how each scene is always framed by what Aiko subjectively experiences through her five senses. This is what's called a deep limited third POV (deep POV). This narration allows the reader not just to see the scene but to experience it.

(2) Then... for the diary scene, the initial transition from Aiko's POV to the diary is quite smooth.

However, the diary narration might feel too long for exposition. You could condense the scene into a more concise one. Take the information needed for foreshadowing and discard information that isn't relevant to the plot. This will make the pacing more fluid.

Also, the transition between the diary ending and returning to Aiko's POV feels rough. The final transition would have been smoother if you had used the symbolism of story closure by closing the final page of the book, instead of jumping straight to Aiko returning from the library.

Well, that's a bit of feedback from me.

Regards.

I'm back with the chapter I fixed the senses but I think the sensory details might need some tone down
@Eldoria

 

[Eldoria]

I'm back with the chapter I fixed the senses but I think the sensory details might need some tone down
@Eldoria

Don't overdo sensory descriptions in a single scene. If you provide too many sensory descriptions, the reader may lose focus.

Instead of trying to describe sensory details in detail, you can limit yourself to one or two sensory descriptions per scene.

For example, when your protagonist interacts with a fountain, you can describe the jet of water (visual) and the sensation of being wet (tactile/textural).

Avoid narrating too much detail, such as the number of fish, the variety of fish, or the shape of pond ornaments, as these details are irrelevant to your plot.

Remember, the purpose of narrating sensory descriptions is to immerse your readers in your story's world through their senses.

 

[OrionVale]

Don't overdo sensory descriptions in a single scene. If you provide too many sensory descriptions, the reader may lose focus.

Instead of trying to describe sensory details in detail, you can limit yourself to one or two sensory descriptions per scene.

For example, when your protagonist interacts with a fountain, you can describe the jet of water (visual) and the sensation of being wet (tactile/textural).

Avoid narrating too much detail, such as the number of fish, the variety of fish, or the shape of pond ornaments, as these details are irrelevant to your plot.

Remember, the purpose of narrating sensory descriptions is to immerse your readers in your story's world through their senses.

I see as I thought the sensory details is eating too much of the chapter. I'll tighten this an expand the plot per chapter rather than small details.
Thank you again