Need review?

[c37]

As many writers pointed out, I realised prose meant the whole chapter with context and imagery, which pulls the reader into the world. So i tried my best and completed the chapter with as much description i can provide dynamically.

Spoiler: The chapter.

**Chapter 7 - Must Have Been Wind**

The metal floor shuddered as Zerra crashed onto it. Her body lay motionless. The cheers that had echoed moments earlier now died down, and the arena was swallowed by silence.

Then, the roar returned as the spectators clawed at the chain fence around the Metal floor.

“Refund!”
“You houndspawn!”

The chains rattled violently, but the arena quieted again when a few towering fiends stepped into the crowd.

As their heavy footsteps echoed across the underground arena, Aegis glanced at them.

The enforcers of this hidden arena.

The crowd’s curses faded into murmurs, and Aegis turned away, walking back to his table with Kaelran already seated. The wooden chair groaned as he sank into it.

Aegis noticed his friend’s penetrating gaze. The frown on his friend’s face said it all; he was not happy. But Aegis didn’t care enough to ask.

Instead, he focused on the honey-glazed, diced meat before him. Aegis inhaled deeply, savouring the aroma like a predator sniffing its prey. Apart from the clinking sound of coins, nothing eased his mind like the smell of meat.

He picked up the fork beside his plate and began to eat. As he chewed, the sweetness of the meat seeped into his senses. He leaned back, enjoying the delicious flavour.

If there was one thing he never regretted, it was spending his coin on good food.

Mmmm. Aegis chewed slowly, lost in the taste.

Losing a bet always hurts less on a full stomach.

But his enjoyment was abruptly interrupted by the sound of approaching footsteps. He recognised them; it was Zerra’s.

Aegis remained still, knowing Zerra was seething with fury. But he had faith that she would understand his reasoning.

Soon, she emerged from the crowd. Her orange eyes tore into Aegis as her horns glowed red. The crowd parted for her as she approached, and Aegis could see her jaw tighten when she noticed him eating calmly.

He had hoped to reason with her, but now that seemed impossible.

Before he could react, she limped toward him and grabbed him by the collar. Heat radiated from her as she spoke through gritted teeth.
“Why did you do it again?”

Aegis glanced at her hand gripping his collar and then back at her face, replying calmly,
“Do you want your debt paid or not?”

Kaelran stood up and grasped her hand.
“Everyone’s looking,” he whispered.

Aegis’s gaze swept the crowd, and indeed, their eyes were fixed on them. Zerra’s grip tightened for a moment before she withdrew and sat beside him. Her horns continued to glow red, and her eyes remained locked on him.

To cool her temper, Aegis slid the plate toward her, carefully avoiding her gaze. Her arm reached out and pulled the plate. She began eating while avoiding his gaze. Aegis knew his wager could have cost her life.

But the odds were worth it.
And it wasn’t the first time either. Zerra was a well-known fighter in the underground arena and had won many matches before. But wagering on her only returned copper coins;

So, Aegis found a better way. Once in a while, Aegis and Kaelran bet against Zerra when the odds were low and signalled her to lose.

This filled their pockets fast, and Zerra avoided serious injury.
But lately, Aegis had gone greedy.

Zerra wasn’t weak. She had defeated fiends stronger than herself. Yet recently, she had been losing.

Aegis knew it was only a matter of time before someone caught her.

Aegis slipped away for a moment and returned with the winnings. Soon, the trio left the underground arena.

The three of them reached the entrance.
The rusty ladder groaned beneath their weight as Kaelran helped Zerra climb. Beneath them, Aegis counted the coins he won tonight.

One hundred and ten silver.

He smiled and put them back in his pouch.
As the shadows of his friends no longer loomed above him, he climbed the ladder. Both of his friends were resting on the ground.

Kaelran struggled to catch his breath,
“My Devil, you are heavy!”

Zerra turned back with a smile, the one that sends a shiver down Aegis’s spine.
“Next time you fight for us.”
She snapped.

Aegis took out his pouch and divided the winnings,
He handed thirty silver to Kaelran and forty to Zerra.

She looked at it and calmly nodded, her horns no longer glowing red. She no longer avoided his gaze.

Aegis extended his arms and pulled both of them up.

The night was deep, and two crescents hung above them. The bronze lanterns across the road now carried ash. The streets were empty, as most of the merchants shut their shops by now. A faint moonlight painted the otherwise dark street in blue.

The three of them walked down the road with Aegis helping Zerra. Soon, they stood on the road branched to the left. Zerra and Kaelran waved Aegis as they moved left.

Aegis carried forward, a low whistle slipped past his lips as he moved toward the tavern. The freedom he bought with the stranger’s coins would end soon.

However…

Tap…Tap…Tap…

Aegis heard footsteps.
At first, he thought they were his own.
But they sounded like they came from behind.

He stopped.

Tap…Tap…

The footsteps stopped too…A moment later.

He took a step forward and stopped.

Tap…

A footstep reached his ears.

The streets were empty. The normal black buildings he was used to seeing now looked odd, their gold accents reflected something behind him, but Aegis did not turn.

He started walking.

The footsteps began echoing behind him.

Even though the hair on his neck stood, he refused to look back.
He will not let the apparition ruin his win.

Even though his heart pounded like a galloping horse, he did not turn back.
Soon, the sight of the tavern made him slow a bit as he exhaled in relief.

But the footsteps behind reached his ears.
It was not the time to rest.

He paced forward, hoping to reach the tavern door in time. The wooden door creaked as he stepped inside and closed it swiftly. His breath calmed down, and he could no longer hear the footsteps. The inside was no different from the outside; The lanterns were extinguished, and moonlight seeped in through the windows.

“My devil…” he muttered under his breath and tiptoed toward the kitchen. The way to the kitchen stood behind a brown wooden counter that faced the entrance. He passed a few wooden tables now carrying chairs on them as he moved.

He opened the kitchen door carefully; the footsteps hunting him were enough, he did not want to add the sound of his master’s whip too.

Thankfully, his master slept upstairs. Aegis stepped into the kitchen and looked around. The dirty utensils in a sink across from him on a broad wooden counter glistened in the darkness as Aegis lit a match. The rack of wine beside the kitchen entrance was now empty.

A busy day, I suppose.

He walked to the right, ending up in front of a wooden hatch. The hatch creaked as he opened it and climbed down the ladder.

As he stepped down, he heard something. For a moment, he wondered if the footsteps had followed him inside. But shrugged it off when the footsteps did not return when he stepped forward.

The match was still lit, as it was infused with Infernus. The cellar was tiny, with a small tattered mattress on the floor beside the ladder and a cracked mirror before the ladder. The cracked mirror above a small wooden sink reflected the flickering fire.

It was his, his home or cage, depending upon his master’s mood. He quietly went and stood before the mirror. The bruise on his cheek was still visible. A wooden bucket stood beneath the sink. He washed his face using his palms and crushed the match.

He stretched his body and walked toward his mattress. Tonight was eventful. He lay on his bed and scratched his horn above his ears. A few bed bugs crawled out of the mattress and bit him, but he paid no attention.

Aegis yawned and closed his eyes. The taste of meat and honey still lingered on his tongue.
How good my life would be if every day were like this?

The tiny cellar around him faded, and the itch that spread across his skin due to bed bugs now disappeared. And soon, he fell asleep.

…

But—

ACHUR

A heavy grumbling sneeze escaped from him.

 

[Eldoria]

Dude, which POV are you using? Omniscient third POV or limited third POV?

 

[c37]

Dude, which POV are you using? Omniscient third POV or limited third POV?

limited third, only his thoughts and what he knows is explained. But i believe i slipped into omniscient third in few places?

 

[Eldoria]

The metal floor shuddered as Zerra crashed onto it. Her body lay motionless. The cheers that had echoed moments earlier now died down, and the arena was swallowed by silence.

Then, the roar returned as the spectators clawed at the chain fence around the Metal floor.

“Refund!”
“You houndspawn!”

The chains rattled violently, but the arena quieted again when a few towering fiends stepped into the crowd.

As their heavy footsteps echoed across the underground arena, Aegis glanced at them.

The enforcers of this hidden arena.

The crowd’s curses faded into murmurs, and Aegis turned away, walking back to his table with Kaelran already seated. The wooden chair groaned as he sank into it.

Aegis noticed his friend’s penetrating gaze. The frown on his friend’s face said it all; he was not happy. But Aegis didn’t care enough to ask.

Okay, I'm following the logic of limited third POV.

Dude, where is Aegis in the coliseum? How does he know such small details, like the audience clawed at the chain fence around the Metal floor?

In limited third-person narrative, information is conveyed through the protagonist's perception.

If Aegis were standing in the audience, hearing and seeing the commotion firsthand, then the above narrative makes sense.

But if not, then your POV leaks into cinematic omniscient POV.

 

[c37]

Okay, I'm following the logic of limited third POV.

Dude, where is Aegis in the coliseum? How does he know such small details, like the audience clawed at the chain fence around the Metal floor?

In limited third-person narrative, information is conveyed through the protagonist's perception.

If Aegis were standing in the audience, hearing and seeing the commotion firsthand, then the above narrative makes sense.

But if not, then your POV leaks into cinematic omniscient POV.

Yes, I messed up then; I didn't mention he was standing in front of the fence. I thought the info in the last chapter carried over to this one. Ig not.

Okay, I'm following the logic of limited third POV.

Dude, where is Aegis in the coliseum? How does he know such small details, like the audience clawed at the chain fence around the Metal floor?

In limited third-person narrative, information is conveyed through the protagonist's perception.

If Aegis were standing in the audience, hearing and seeing the commotion firsthand, then the above narrative makes sense.

But if not, then your POV leaks into cinematic omniscient POV.

Apart from that, what is your opinion on the whole narrative?

 

[Eldoria]

Yes, I messed up then; I didn't mention he was standing in front of the fence. I thought the info in the last chapter carried over to this one. Ig not.

limited third, only his thoughts and what he knows is explained. But i believe i slipped into omniscient third in few places?

Well, this is the reason why readers have difficulty focusing on your narrative.

Because your narrative often shifts POV suddenly. Readers lose their visual anchor.

Well, my advice... you should not focus on immersion first (show it, don't tell it).

You should focus on the flow of the scene first. If you use a limited third POV then use your protagonist as the reader's lens in perceiving the scene. For example:

Aegis stands in the 5th stand. He looks at the arena. (Please narrate the arena scene as far as Aegis sees).

Then, Aegis walks towards the exit. He arrives at the break room. Then he meets his friend. (Please narrate the dialogue between Aegis and his friend here).

Now, pay attention! The flow of the scene is clear and coherent: from x to y, from y to z.

Readers can know where the protagonist is, what he does, what he perceives, and where the protagonist is going.

The problem with your narrative above is more towards the flow of the scene that isn't clear because the use of POV is inconsistent.

Try to narrate this chapter with a neat scene flow first.

It's okay to be full of telling. The first goal is to make the reader able to follow the flow of your scene without getting lost.

Once this issue is resolved, you can beautify your narrative with immersion.

 

[BeezussWrites]

I feel like I’ve pretty much read most of your story based on how much of it you’ve posted in the forums. I’ll say that this is your best one that I’ve seen so far, both dialogue and chemistry wise with the characters (I know you asked about prose specifically, but I just wanted to put that in). That said, there’s a lot left to be described in this chapter, which is fine in a rough draft, but I would suggest fleshing it out a bit more.

The first hundred or so words we have the audience roaring, then quieting, only to roar one again, until they finally fall silent again. I want to hear more about the crowd, what happened between the moments of silence and roaring, and maybe just a little less repetitive uses of sound. I felt like smell could’ve been a sense you utilized very well here, especially in the beginning. The smell of the food the crowd is eating, the scent of blood maybe. And maybe detailing specific members of the crowd like a drunken slob standing up, splashing a nearby spectator with his drink. Don’t have to delete what you have written about the crowd’s sound, but a bit more detail between each one would probably help it feel less repetitive.

More technical problems below I’ll address. There’s a few more that I won’t mention so you don’t feel overwhelmed.

Number of tense issues. With one being “He will not let the apparition ruin his win.” I feel like this was meant to be past tense, and because of that, you should try to keep the rest of it in line. Past or present works, but it’s best to keep it consistent.

Was the “Mmmm” verbalized by Aegis, or an inner thought? Because it’s neither italicized or quoted.

“Zerra turned back with a smile, the one that sends a shiver down Aegis’s spine.” There’s a few ways to describe this one, but this is probably not one of them. I’d probably go with something like this at the very least “Zerra turned back with a smile, one that sent a shiver down Aegis’s spine,” because it not only gets rid of the tense problem, but doesn’t make it sound nearly as clunky imo. I also think it would be better without the “She snapped” because it would come off more cold.

I’m gonna sound a bit hypocritical here since I do the same thing, but the sentence with “She looked at it and calmly nodded, her horns no longer glowing red. She no longer avoided his gaze,” feels a bit too list-like. I’d try and avoid having multiple sentences starting with the same word unless it’s for a stylistic reason, along with it having “no longer” twice. Something like “She met his gaze finally, her horn slowly fading and calmly nodded,” but a bit more polished than the example I provided.

Really liked this, “He opened the kitchen door carefully; the footsteps hunting him were enough, he did not want to add the sound of his master’s whip too.”

Like I said, big improvements dialogue-wise. Not sure if it’s something you wrote recently, or something that you had on the burner, but I understood the development of the story without it being spelled out for me with exposition. The bones of this story are super good, but I’d suggest just working on making sure every sentence you write has a purpose. Big thing is, when you write, can the reader imagine themselves in this place based on what you’ve written? And if not, how many blanks do you think they’d need to fill in, because there’s only so much most readers will do before their immersion is ruined.

 

[c37]

I feel like I’ve pretty much read most of your story based on how much of it you’ve posted in the forums. I’ll say that this is your best one that I’ve seen so far, both dialogue and chemistry wise with the characters (I know you asked about prose specifically, but I just wanted to put that in). That said, there’s a lot left to be described in this chapter, which is fine in a rough draft, but I would suggest fleshing it out a bit more.

The first hundred or so words we have the audience roaring, then quieting, only to roar one again, until they finally fall silent again. I want to hear more about the crowd, what happened between the moments of silence and roaring, and maybe just a little less repetitive uses of sound. I felt like smell could’ve been a sense you utilized very well here, especially in the beginning. The smell of the food the crowd is eating, the scent of blood maybe. And maybe detailing specific members of the crowd like a drunken slob standing up, splashing a nearby spectator with his drink. Don’t have to delete what you have written about the crowd’s sound, but a bit more detail between each one would probably help it feel less repetitive.

More technical problems below I’ll address. There’s a few more that I won’t mention so you don’t feel overwhelmed.

Number of tense issues. With one being “He will not let the apparition ruin his win.” I feel like this was meant to be past tense, and because of that, you should try to keep the rest of it in line. Past or present works, but it’s best to keep it consistent.

Was the “Mmmm” verbalized by Aegis, or an inner thought? Because it’s neither italicized or quoted.

“Zerra turned back with a smile, the one that sends a shiver down Aegis’s spine.” There’s a few ways to describe this one, but this is probably not one of them. I’d probably go with something like this at the very least “Zerra turned back with a smile, one that sent a shiver down Aegis’s spine,” because it not only gets rid of the tense problem, but doesn’t make it sound nearly as clunky imo. I also think it would be better without the “She snapped” because it would come off more cold.

I’m gonna sound a bit hypocritical here since I do the same thing, but the sentence with “She looked at it and calmly nodded, her horns no longer glowing red. She no longer avoided his gaze,” feels a bit too list-like. I’d try and avoid having multiple sentences starting with the same word unless it’s for a stylistic reason, along with it having “no longer” twice. Something like “She met his gaze finally, her horn slowly fading and calmly nodded,” but a bit more polished than the example I provided.

Really liked this, “He opened the kitchen door carefully; the footsteps hunting him were enough, he did not want to add the sound of his master’s whip too.”

Like I said, big improvements dialogue-wise. Not sure if it’s something you wrote recently, or something that you had on the burner, but I understood the development of the story without it being spelled out for me with exposition. The bones of this story are super good, but I’d suggest just working on making sure every sentence you write has a purpose. Big thing is, when you write, can the reader imagine themselves in this place based on what you’ve written? And if not, how many blanks do you think they’d need to fill in, because there’s only so much most readers will do before their immersion is ruined.

Hey, thank you so much for reading. And yeah this is my most recent one, the one which I have written after revisiting my favorite novels. I am starting to see the gaps which can instantly make this better. I will definitely, follow your advice about avoiding longer sentences with multiple verbs.