Writing high-stakes fight... Am I good at doing it?

[Boundless]

"Playtime’s over, kid!"

Without hesitation, he charged toward Reika with no intent of stopping. His adrenaline was at its peak.

"Hyaaaaah!"

All this time, Agnar had forgotten one crucial thing that would change his life forever.

In Alguis's eyes, Reika’s timely intervention had created a rare—perhaps even final—opportunity to take Agnar down.

I will strike while the iron's hot!

Now that Agnar's attention was entirely on Reika, Alguis made a bold attempt to sneak past his senses. He even held his breath and carefully took each step as silently as he could.

By the time he managed to close the distance between them, Alguis shifted his grip and used the hammerhead to unleash a devastating blow upon Agnar. He poured every last ounce of strength into that strike.

"!"

Agnar noticed Alguis's arrival, but it was too late. His attempt to raise his blade was rendered useless, as the opening was too wide to even block Alguis' attack. The force chipped the edge of the greatsword into pieces.

CLANG!

The moment the hammerhead connected with Agnar’s head, a painful shockwave tore through his body. He was sent crashing into the ground, rolling multiple times before coming to a stop.

"GHAAAK!!"

Agnar's body convulsed from the brutal impact. His head and ears throbbed from the intense concussion. Blood streamed ceaselessly from his wound.

"Koff! Khakk! Khak!"

Even though his senses could barely keep up, Agnar managed to hear the sound of footsteps heading in his direction. Through his blurred vision, he saw a figure ahead.

That figure was Alguis Fellad.

"This is the end, Agnar!"

Agnar's eyes trembled upon hearing Alguis's muffled cry. He tried to move, to force himself upright, but his body refused to obey.

"No, no, no, no! I won't let it end like this..!"

He couldn't even hear his own voice, yet his pleas rang out across the entire battlefield.

Alguis raised his hammer-axe into the air. He shifted his grip to bring the blade forward, aiming it at Agnar’s neck.

"I know this is too much… but I can't forgive you for the innocent lives lost at your hands!"

With a decisive swing, the axe carved through flesh and bone.

SPLAT!!

Agnar’s head hit the ground with a dull thud and rolled across the dusty earth.

Everyone stood frozen, staring at the lifeless head before them. Agnar, one of the strongest swordsmen on the continent, had fallen at the hands of the former Dwarven King, Alguis Fellad.

Opinions? LMK if there's lacking... or I overdid it. Thanks in advance!

 

[Nolff]

Opinions? LMK if there's lacking... or I overdid it. Thanks in advance!

Action isn't my strongest suit, so I suggest you wait for like three hours or so to get a proper critic for this.

Don't ask for my opinion about this.

You will not be satisfied.

 

[Boundless]

Action isn't my strongest suit, so I suggest you wait for like three hours or so to get a proper critic for this.

Don't ask for my opinion about this.

You will not be satisfied.

critique is critique: no matter who's the reader. Appreciate it!

 

[Nolff]

critique is critique: no matter who's the reader. Appreciate it!

I won't give a judge to this for now. I'm not the expert of this field. So, no thanks.

Though, I do wonder, what's the genre of this book you're writing?

 

[NotaNuffian]

As a casual reader and mainly in chinese, the above example does sound fine. Straight to the point.

Though "a devastating blow" and "poured every ounce of his strength" does not really carried how strong the attack is

It is only when "the greatsword into pieces" did the impact show.

But why did you use "chipped" and even "the edge of" instead when you can just use "shattered the greatsword into pieces" or more realistically, "fractured the greatsword into a useless metal bar".

The concussion is nice, though I must admit that Agnar has a metal skull. Because a hammerhead would normally cave the thing in instead of just leaving a headache.

Once again, casual reader here.

 

[Boundless]

But why did you use "chipped" and even "the edge of" instead when you can just use "shattered the greatsword into pieces" or more realistically, "fractured the greatsword into a useless metal bar".

Because he barely blocked it (i intend to use graze but that is not how blades react when it receive an impact). he managed to react but not enough to block it completely, hence the edge only had cracked. Plus, the sword still had uses in the ff. chapter so I intentionally spared it cuz if it is broken, it would be useless.

The concussion is nice, though I must admit that Agnar has a metal skull.

He's one of the top 25 strongest swordsmaster in the entire continent, and he is even winning in a 3v1 fight if not only he wasn't distracted by the FMC. so yeah, his skull is THAT durable.

"poured every ounce of his strength"

Idk but I simply want to portray his desperate-ness to end it since he was so exhausted and that was the only chance he got, not that I want to portray the intensity of his attack.

 

[NotaNuffian]

Because he barely blocked it (i intend to use graze but that is not how blades react when it receive an impact). he managed to react but not enough to block it completely, hence the edge only had cracked. Plus, the sword still had uses in the ff. chapter so I intentionally spared it cuz if it is broken, it would be useless.



He's one of the top 25 strongest swordsmaster in the entire continent, and he is even winning in a 3v1 fight if not only he wasn't distracted by the FMC. so yeah, his skull is THAT durable.


Idk but I simply want to portray his desperate-ness to end it since he was so exhausted and that was the only chance he got, not that I want to portray the intensity of his attack.

 

[Eldoria]

Opinions? LMK if there's lacking... or I overdid it. Thanks in advance!

As a causal reader, I can understand the course of the fight. But I don't feel the tension. Why?

Because your narrator explains how the fight occurs. As a reader, I feel like I'm reading a report of the battle but I don't 'feel the blows'. If you want to create tension in your reader, you might consider the following suggestions:

(1) Reduce the narrator's voice describing the fight, let the fight do the talking. Let the blows do the talking. Let the wounds, the blood, and the battlefield do the talking.

Instead of narrating:

The protagonist struck the antagonist in the stomach repeatedly...

you might narrate:

A heavy hammer blow struck his chest. "Urrghh!" The air was forced from his lungs. Pain spread to his stomach.

This way, the reader can feel the tension of the fight directly through their senses.

(2) Narrate short sentences and short, sharp dialogue to keep the pace of the fight fast.

(3) Provide concrete stakes. Every action should have a real consequence. For example, every blow that hits a character causes bruising, bleeding, and trauma.

(4) Use the environment to build the atmosphere of the fight. For example, a slash creates a cloud of dust that stings the eyes.

(5) Divide the fight scene into a flow of action -> reaction -> effect. So that the reader can follow the logic of the fight without losing focus.

Good luck!

 

[Boundless]

I won't give a judge to this for now. I'm not the expert of this field. So, no thanks.

Though, I do wonder, what's the genre of this book you're writing?

Action, Adventure, Isekai, Slice of Life, Kingdom Building.

As a causal reader, I can understand the course of the fight. But I don't feel the tension. Why?

Because your narrator explains how the fight occurs. As a reader, I feel like I'm reading a report of the battle but I don't 'feel the blows'. If you want to create tension in your reader, you might consider the following suggestions:

(1) Reduce the narrator's voice describing the fight, let the fight do the talking. Let the blows do the talking. Let the wounds, the blood, and the battlefield do the talking.

Instead of narrating:

you might narrate:

This way, the reader can feel the tension of the fight directly through their senses.

(2) Narrate short sentences and short, sharp dialogue to keep the pace of the fight fast.

(3) Provide concrete stakes. Every action should have a real consequence. For example, every blow that hits a character causes bruising, bleeding, and trauma.

(4) Use the environment to build the atmosphere of the fight. For example, a slash creates a cloud of dust that stings the eyes.

(5) Divide the fight scene into a flow of action -> reaction -> effect. So that the reader can follow the logic of the fight without losing focus.

Good luck!

wouldn't it create a confusion who's who? there are multiple characters that ganged up to the villain...

 

[Eldoria]

wouldn't it create a confusion who's who? there are multiple characters that ganged up to the villain.

Readers won't be confused if you provide unique character identification, clear relative positions of related characters, and clear spatial and temporal context.

Furthermore, you can utilize the narrative camera to adjust zoom in and out during fighting. This will help avoid confusion and prevent head-hopping.

I have chapter references. But I don't want to be perceived as promoting my work in this thread. After all, I'm just a casual reader passing by.

 

[Nolff]

Action, Adventure, Isekai, Slice of Life, Kingdom Building.

I'll be watching your development then.

wouldn't it create a confusion who's who? there are multiple characters that ganged up to the villain...

This tip's nice. Thx.

 

[Boundless]

Divide the fight scene into a flow of action -> reaction -> effect. So that the reader can follow the logic of the fight without losing focus.

am I doing this right?

The moment the hammerhead connected with Agnar’s head, a painful shockwave tore through his body. Blood streamed ceaselessly from the wounds caused by the impact.

Such a devastating* blow sent him crashing into the ground, rolling multiple times before coming to a stop.

 

[Daeron]

Opinions? LMK if there's lacking... or I overdid it. Thanks in advance!

I think it lacks of flow, if it was high-stake fighting.

 

[Boundless]

I think it lacks of flow, if it was high-stake fighting.

could you be more specific? by the way I am not actually writing a western-style novel, but a Light Novel where "telling" is more emphasized than "showing" so I am minimizing the sensory details

Readers won't be confused if you provide unique character identification, clear relative positions of related characters, and clear spatial and temporal context.

Furthermore, you can utilize the narrative camera to adjust zoom in and out during fighting. This will help avoid confusion and prevent head-hopping.

I have chapter references. But I don't want to be perceived as promoting my work in this thread. After all, I'm just a casual reader passing by.

make sense. thanks for the advice and thank you!

I'll be watching your development then.

Unfortunately, I will move my revised version to the original one once I will finish the first volume (since I made a massive rendition only to the first volume.)

better follow the original one instead the revised version and let it marinate (if you wanna read) I will upload a new announcement there, anyways.

 

[Daeron]

could you be more specific? by the way I am not actually writing a western-style novel, but a Light Novel where "telling" is more emphasized than "showing" so I am minimizing the sensory details

Oh, i'm not talking about the writing approach actually.
Well, you said Agnar is top 25 strongest swordsmaster right? He literally lose by single hit. And since the title of this thread is 'high-stake fighting', my initial idea it will be fierce fight.

 

[Eldoria]

am I doing this right?

The moment the hammerhead connected with Agnar’s head, a painful shockwave tore through his body. Blood streamed ceaselessly from the wounds caused by the impact.

Such a devastating* blow sent him crashing into the ground, rolling multiple times before coming to a stop.

It's good enough. But you can make the prose shorter but more impactful. For example:

The initial narration:

The moment the hammerhead connected with Agnar's head, a painful shockwave tore through his body. Blood streamed ceaselessly from the wounds caused by the impact.

Revised narration:

The moment the hammerhead connected with Agnar's head, a painful shockwave tore through his body. Blood streamed ceaselessly from his wounds."

You don't need to narrate "...caused by the impact" because the previous action narrative already explains the cause of the wound. Let the reader interpret your narrative. Trust your reader!

 

[Boundless]

Oh, i'm not talking about the writing approach actually.
Well, you said Agnar is top 25 strongest swordsmaster right? He literally lose by single hit. And since the title of this thread is 'high-stake fighting', my initial idea it will be fierce fight.

oh, sorry. i didn't include the mid-fight scene but only the climax. before that part, he was overwhelming the other 2 who got unconscious before the FMC distracted him.

plus yeah, using all strength + enemy got caught off guard and got smashed in the head? it was commendable for him that even his skull wasn't pulverized completely! HAHHAHAHHA getting hit by a large hammerhead is nasty. Alguis weapon was similar to Stormbreaker (MCU Thor's weapon) in size and getting hit by that is no joke.

It's good enough. But you can make the prose shorter but more impactful. For example:

The initial narration:


Revised narration:


You don't need to narrate "...caused by the impact" because the previous action narrative already explains the cause of the wound. Let the reader interpret your narrative. Trust your reader!

make sense. i do have this habit of overexplaining, which it shows. Thank you!

 

[Zinless]

I won't give a judge to this for now. I'm not the expert of this field. So, no thanks.

Why did you even reply to this thread, bro

 

[Boundless]

Why did you even reply to this thread, bro

maybe he/she likes probing around? let them be HAHAHA

 

[Daeron]

oh, sorry. i didn't include the mid-fight scene but only the climax. before that part, he was overwhelming the other 2 who got unconscious before the FMC distracted him.

plus yeah, using all strength + enemy got caught off guard and got smashed in the head? it was commendable for him that even his skull wasn't pulverized completely! HAHHAHAHHA getting hit by a large hammerhead is nasty. Alguis weapon was similar to Stormbreaker (MCU Thor's weapon) in size and getting hit by that is no joke.

Oh, i see! I thought the word "Playtime’s over, kid!" is the initial starting fight