Ryazai
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- Feb 8, 2026
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(It isnt on this site I'm just here because it's more active) (PS you dont have to read the whole thing just a bit and then scroll down and the fixed version is also here)
I originally wrote my story in first person POV and it led to bad pacing, bad internal monologue, unreadable text, and no breathing room so I rewrote it into third person POV and fixed all of that it's labled as a test prologue to get feedback on what else I need to fix that isn't as obvious so can y'all compare the two prologues IK the test one is better in alot of ways but what else could use some work.
____________________________________________________________
The cold blade of the knife pressed against my neck as I prepared to do it.
I steadied my breath and went to drive it in and kill myself and then I was no longer in the bathroom, I was in the back alley behind my High School, South Chicago High School where I was getting beaten brutally by Marcus and his cronies,
“GET UP YOU PIECE OF SHIT!”
His yell pierced my ears like the fire alarm back in grade school.
“COME ON ALARIC STAND UP, I SAID STAND THE FUCK UP!”
As he yelled that he grabbed me by the tuff of my hair and yanked me up and threw me against the wall blood splattering from my nose breaking.
Yup that’s me Alaric Thorne a loser nobody from South Chicago,
The name Alaric Thorne, yeah, my dad thought it sounded like a super hero’s alter ego.
He said I’ll grow up and change this piece of shit world he always hoped I’d go into the army and be a war hero eventually.
It’s the year 2189 and we are on the brink of World War VI, innocent people die daily from attacks, so much for all my dads hope and dreams for me.
I’ve Flunked out of every school my mom has enrolled me into.
My dad’s been dead for 7 years now, he got drafted in World War V.
Heh 2 world wars in 7 years the worlds gone to hell hasn’t it yeah just about anybody would agree with you but let’s get back to the story.
Suddenly I was back in the bathroom my face catching in the reflection of the bathroom mirror my Dirty Blonde hair covered in dirt and mesh from all the beatings and my Blood Red eyes shaking in the reflection as the voices of bullies from my childhood echoed in the back of my head
“Vampire!, Those eyes are freaky, FREAK! ohhh be carefull or Alaric will suck your blood tonight”
Then the voices of the Adults who viewed me as different
“It’s such a shame, he’d be a handsome boy if it weren’t for the… you know the eyes.”
And the calm voice of my mother scolding me
“Keep your sunglasses on Alaric, Your making the other kids uncomfortable.”
Tears streamed down my face as I held the knife to my throat and I sobbed dropping the knife “why?, WHY?, WHY!?, WHY AM I DIFFERENT WHY IS THAT BAD? I HAVE RED EYES SO WHAT I’M NOT…I’m not…I’m not a monster…dad…why…why are people like this IT’S JUST AN EYE COLOR”
Then I steeled myself to do what I had to do.
I had always wanted people to be happy, I loved seeing people smile and happy and if that meant me not being there…then so be it.
I grabbed the knife and but it to my throat and sliced…then everything went black.
“Are you done being dramatic yet?”
My eyes snapped open and Instantly reached to where the knife had cut at…nothing not even a scratch or a scar.
Then I scanned my surroundings I was in a library, No that doesn’t even begin to describe it, there was floating bookshelves and books floating deifying every known law of gravity like they were spitting in Newtons face and said fuck you!
Then I turned around and saw a woman, no not a woman she was the personification of beauty itself her silver hair flowing down her body like a river her violet eyes glimmering in the light and a cruel look on her face she was at least 6 foot as well put her on the NBA like damn.
She took one good look at me and scoffed then she floated a book in front of me “Look at this” she purred cruelly. The book had thousands of pages and on the front a bloodstain.
“Who are you?” I choked out.
It was a honest question like I really didn’t know but the woman looked offended by the sheer fact that I didn’t already know and then her lips curved into a smile, Beautiful in the way a gun is beautiful it could easily kill you.
And then she answered me like a tired author who binged 40 hours straight writing a book.
“I am the author of this universe and all other universes you may call me The Goddess, Now”
She then grabbed me by my hair and yanked my head up to look her in the eyes,
“Do you have any idea how much work it is to rewrite a story I had a perfectly good epic and you ruined it.”
I looked up at her with a blank expression, Goddess, Author, Epic what is this lady talking about.
I then made the dumbest choice of my life, opening my mouth “What are you talking about lady gods aren’t real where am I really?
Her lips then curved even more if that was even possible and she spoke slowly coldly with a tone that made my whole body freeze and my hairs stand on edge like a prey sensing the predator
“Oh? your a feisty one Demon.”
I froze as she called me that, there it was again another person judging me based on my looks
“I’m not a-!” she cut me off
“now demon I’m going to send you back to where you belong, in the demon realm.”
I froze and then tried to speak up “WAIT I”M NOT A-!”
“Goodbye demon”
A portal opened below my feet and then everything went black.
Authors Note:
[DRAFT LOG #1: THE EXTRACTION]
Log: I almost lost the Subject in the 2189 timeline. Suicide is such a difficult variable to code around. Luckily, my ‘Avatar’ was there to catch him.
Observation: She’s acting more like a person and less like a program every day. She looked at the ‘camera’ (you readers) for 0.4 seconds during the hair-pulling scene. I’ll need to patch that.
Final Thought: Alaric Thorne is currently falling into a world of knights and monsters. He thinks he’s in the Demon Realm. He doesn’t realize he’s just moved from one of my folders to another.
— Ryazai
And the fixed version
He held the blade firm against his neck preparing to take his life.
-I can’t take it anymore, I have to do it.
He was in the bathroom of his cheap apartment in south Chicago. His reflection catching in the mirror with a crack running through it partially blocking his face.
He didn’t have any striking features, dirty blonde hair that always looked like it had mud in it, probably from all the beatings he got on a daily basis.
He was about 5,9, fairly tall. With fairly soft features on his face. He also had unnatural blood red eyes.
Albinism, A medical condition that causes one to have clear iris’s making the blood veins visible causing a blood red look and making the person sensitive to sudden changes of light.
-This world I…I can’t take it anymore.
As he prepared to drive the blade into his throat and end his life the world around him faded and changed to the back alley outside of his school.
He was being beaten brutally by his childhood bullies.
“GET UP YOU PIECE OF SHIT!”
His voice echoed throughout the alley as he punched Alaric repeatedly.
Meet Alaric Thorne, a boy not so different than you or I except for his eyes.
You see when kids go to school after watching a movie about lets just say Dracula and they see a kid who has A.) Blood Red Eyes and B.) Is sensitive to sudden light changes they are going to think that the kid is a vampire.
Kids are just cruel like that, they see one thing different and You’re a outcast, a monster.
The bully kept punching Alaric over and over again until finally he stopped and Alaric hit the ground blood shooting out of his mouth from a rib breaking and puncturing his lungs.
“Get up Count Alaric, are you going to go to your dark room? Because the sun is out right now and last I checked Vampires couldn’t be in the sunlight.”
Alaric tried to stand up but he hit the ground as soon as he tried to and more blood came out.
It is the year 2189 and the world is on the brink of World War VI.
In the modern age the police are the least trusted force on the planet.
Police brutality is at it’s finest.
They racial profile constantly.
So now days they are worse than some ancient kings from Ancient Rome.
Alaric’s father was drafted back in World War V 7 years back.
But his unit hit a landmine in Ukraine and he never made it back.
His mom killed herself shortly after out of grief.
And ever since then Alaric has had nobody.
An orphan in a cruel world.
The world faded back to the bathroom. The dim light still faintly lighting the room.
“Why, why why why?”
“Why me? Why can’t someone just treat me like a person?”
“I’m human too you know. I’m…I’m not a monster.”
Alaric slumped onto the bathroom floor the blade slipping from his hand with a slight ding from the metal hitting tile floor.
-Why is it always people like me who have to suffer huh?
Alaric sat there for several minutes just crying.
17 years of torment.
17 Years of unjust treatment.
17 Years of isolation.
17 Years of loneliness.
All came out at once.
After he calmed himself he quietly picked up the blade once more.
And he dug it into his neck..
It was instant.
A splat of blood hitting the floor and Alaric Thorne had taken his own life.
***
[Are you done being dramatic yet?]
Alaric’s eyes snapped open as the voice echoed through his mind.
He was no longer in the dirty bathroom in his apartment, he was in a Library of impossible geometry.
Bookshelves floated as if gravity was turned off for them.
Books were floating from shelf to shelf as if a ghost was reorganizing them.
The air smelled of faint vanilla and a pitch of honey.
And when he turned around he saw a woman of impossible beauty.
She had Silver hair that looked like someone took the moonlight and carved it into hair.
She was at least 6 foot probably 6,5 at most.
She had violet eyes that glowed with the glow of the evening sunlight.
But her smile was cruel.
It was the smile of a person who’d never been told no in their life.
The smile of someone who thought they could do whatever they wanted to and get away with it.
“Who are you?”
[I am the Author of this universe and all others, Now look at this.]
She waved her hand and a book floated to face him.
It had thousands of pages and on the page it opened up to was a blood stain.
[I had a perfectly good epic ready and you ruined it.]
She reached out and grabbed the tuft of his hair and pulled back forcing him to look her in the eyes.
[Do you have any idea how much work it is to rewrite a script like that?]
“Look lady I don’t know what you’re talking ab-”
She cut him off with a sharp slap that sent his head snapping to the side.
[Don’t talk back to me code, I own your soul, I tell you when to and when to not talk, DO I make myself clear]
Alaric stayed quiet, stunned by the slap.
[I SAID DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR, THAT REQUIRED AN ANSWER!]
“Ye…Yes ma’am.”
[Good, now little Vampire let’s get you back to the demon realm shall we?]
“Wait I’m not a-”
She cut him off with another sharp slap to the face this time he went flying to the floor.
[I SAID DO NOT TALK BACK TO ME CODE!]
[Now goodbye Vampire.]
Alaric didn’t even have time to form a thought before a portal opened below him dropping him down into the abyss.
[DRAFT LOG #1: THE EXTRACTION]
-Log: Subject 93093 was almost lost in the 2189 timeline but luckily SHE caught him.
-Observation: After close observation The Goddess is getting more aware of her existence, I should look deeper into that.
-Final Thought: Alaric is currently falling into the demon realm, let’s just hope he can get out in time before I lose him.
— Ryazai
Which one flows better
I originally wrote my story in first person POV and it led to bad pacing, bad internal monologue, unreadable text, and no breathing room so I rewrote it into third person POV and fixed all of that it's labled as a test prologue to get feedback on what else I need to fix that isn't as obvious so can y'all compare the two prologues IK the test one is better in alot of ways but what else could use some work.
____________________________________________________________
The cold blade of the knife pressed against my neck as I prepared to do it.
I steadied my breath and went to drive it in and kill myself and then I was no longer in the bathroom, I was in the back alley behind my High School, South Chicago High School where I was getting beaten brutally by Marcus and his cronies,
“GET UP YOU PIECE OF SHIT!”
His yell pierced my ears like the fire alarm back in grade school.
“COME ON ALARIC STAND UP, I SAID STAND THE FUCK UP!”
As he yelled that he grabbed me by the tuff of my hair and yanked me up and threw me against the wall blood splattering from my nose breaking.
Yup that’s me Alaric Thorne a loser nobody from South Chicago,
The name Alaric Thorne, yeah, my dad thought it sounded like a super hero’s alter ego.
He said I’ll grow up and change this piece of shit world he always hoped I’d go into the army and be a war hero eventually.
It’s the year 2189 and we are on the brink of World War VI, innocent people die daily from attacks, so much for all my dads hope and dreams for me.
I’ve Flunked out of every school my mom has enrolled me into.
My dad’s been dead for 7 years now, he got drafted in World War V.
Heh 2 world wars in 7 years the worlds gone to hell hasn’t it yeah just about anybody would agree with you but let’s get back to the story.
Suddenly I was back in the bathroom my face catching in the reflection of the bathroom mirror my Dirty Blonde hair covered in dirt and mesh from all the beatings and my Blood Red eyes shaking in the reflection as the voices of bullies from my childhood echoed in the back of my head
“Vampire!, Those eyes are freaky, FREAK! ohhh be carefull or Alaric will suck your blood tonight”
Then the voices of the Adults who viewed me as different
“It’s such a shame, he’d be a handsome boy if it weren’t for the… you know the eyes.”
And the calm voice of my mother scolding me
“Keep your sunglasses on Alaric, Your making the other kids uncomfortable.”
Tears streamed down my face as I held the knife to my throat and I sobbed dropping the knife “why?, WHY?, WHY!?, WHY AM I DIFFERENT WHY IS THAT BAD? I HAVE RED EYES SO WHAT I’M NOT…I’m not…I’m not a monster…dad…why…why are people like this IT’S JUST AN EYE COLOR”
Then I steeled myself to do what I had to do.
I had always wanted people to be happy, I loved seeing people smile and happy and if that meant me not being there…then so be it.
I grabbed the knife and but it to my throat and sliced…then everything went black.
“Are you done being dramatic yet?”
My eyes snapped open and Instantly reached to where the knife had cut at…nothing not even a scratch or a scar.
Then I scanned my surroundings I was in a library, No that doesn’t even begin to describe it, there was floating bookshelves and books floating deifying every known law of gravity like they were spitting in Newtons face and said fuck you!
Then I turned around and saw a woman, no not a woman she was the personification of beauty itself her silver hair flowing down her body like a river her violet eyes glimmering in the light and a cruel look on her face she was at least 6 foot as well put her on the NBA like damn.
She took one good look at me and scoffed then she floated a book in front of me “Look at this” she purred cruelly. The book had thousands of pages and on the front a bloodstain.
“Who are you?” I choked out.
It was a honest question like I really didn’t know but the woman looked offended by the sheer fact that I didn’t already know and then her lips curved into a smile, Beautiful in the way a gun is beautiful it could easily kill you.
And then she answered me like a tired author who binged 40 hours straight writing a book.
“I am the author of this universe and all other universes you may call me The Goddess, Now”
She then grabbed me by my hair and yanked my head up to look her in the eyes,
“Do you have any idea how much work it is to rewrite a story I had a perfectly good epic and you ruined it.”
I looked up at her with a blank expression, Goddess, Author, Epic what is this lady talking about.
I then made the dumbest choice of my life, opening my mouth “What are you talking about lady gods aren’t real where am I really?
Her lips then curved even more if that was even possible and she spoke slowly coldly with a tone that made my whole body freeze and my hairs stand on edge like a prey sensing the predator
“Oh? your a feisty one Demon.”
I froze as she called me that, there it was again another person judging me based on my looks
“I’m not a-!” she cut me off
“now demon I’m going to send you back to where you belong, in the demon realm.”
I froze and then tried to speak up “WAIT I”M NOT A-!”
“Goodbye demon”
A portal opened below my feet and then everything went black.
Authors Note:
[DRAFT LOG #1: THE EXTRACTION]
Log: I almost lost the Subject in the 2189 timeline. Suicide is such a difficult variable to code around. Luckily, my ‘Avatar’ was there to catch him.
Observation: She’s acting more like a person and less like a program every day. She looked at the ‘camera’ (you readers) for 0.4 seconds during the hair-pulling scene. I’ll need to patch that.
Final Thought: Alaric Thorne is currently falling into a world of knights and monsters. He thinks he’s in the Demon Realm. He doesn’t realize he’s just moved from one of my folders to another.
— Ryazai
And the fixed version
He held the blade firm against his neck preparing to take his life.
-I can’t take it anymore, I have to do it.
He was in the bathroom of his cheap apartment in south Chicago. His reflection catching in the mirror with a crack running through it partially blocking his face.
He didn’t have any striking features, dirty blonde hair that always looked like it had mud in it, probably from all the beatings he got on a daily basis.
He was about 5,9, fairly tall. With fairly soft features on his face. He also had unnatural blood red eyes.
Albinism, A medical condition that causes one to have clear iris’s making the blood veins visible causing a blood red look and making the person sensitive to sudden changes of light.
-This world I…I can’t take it anymore.
As he prepared to drive the blade into his throat and end his life the world around him faded and changed to the back alley outside of his school.
He was being beaten brutally by his childhood bullies.
“GET UP YOU PIECE OF SHIT!”
His voice echoed throughout the alley as he punched Alaric repeatedly.
Meet Alaric Thorne, a boy not so different than you or I except for his eyes.
You see when kids go to school after watching a movie about lets just say Dracula and they see a kid who has A.) Blood Red Eyes and B.) Is sensitive to sudden light changes they are going to think that the kid is a vampire.
Kids are just cruel like that, they see one thing different and You’re a outcast, a monster.
The bully kept punching Alaric over and over again until finally he stopped and Alaric hit the ground blood shooting out of his mouth from a rib breaking and puncturing his lungs.
“Get up Count Alaric, are you going to go to your dark room? Because the sun is out right now and last I checked Vampires couldn’t be in the sunlight.”
Alaric tried to stand up but he hit the ground as soon as he tried to and more blood came out.
It is the year 2189 and the world is on the brink of World War VI.
In the modern age the police are the least trusted force on the planet.
Police brutality is at it’s finest.
They racial profile constantly.
So now days they are worse than some ancient kings from Ancient Rome.
Alaric’s father was drafted back in World War V 7 years back.
But his unit hit a landmine in Ukraine and he never made it back.
His mom killed herself shortly after out of grief.
And ever since then Alaric has had nobody.
An orphan in a cruel world.
The world faded back to the bathroom. The dim light still faintly lighting the room.
“Why, why why why?”
“Why me? Why can’t someone just treat me like a person?”
“I’m human too you know. I’m…I’m not a monster.”
Alaric slumped onto the bathroom floor the blade slipping from his hand with a slight ding from the metal hitting tile floor.
-Why is it always people like me who have to suffer huh?
Alaric sat there for several minutes just crying.
17 years of torment.
17 Years of unjust treatment.
17 Years of isolation.
17 Years of loneliness.
All came out at once.
After he calmed himself he quietly picked up the blade once more.
And he dug it into his neck..
It was instant.
A splat of blood hitting the floor and Alaric Thorne had taken his own life.
***
[Are you done being dramatic yet?]
Alaric’s eyes snapped open as the voice echoed through his mind.
He was no longer in the dirty bathroom in his apartment, he was in a Library of impossible geometry.
Bookshelves floated as if gravity was turned off for them.
Books were floating from shelf to shelf as if a ghost was reorganizing them.
The air smelled of faint vanilla and a pitch of honey.
And when he turned around he saw a woman of impossible beauty.
She had Silver hair that looked like someone took the moonlight and carved it into hair.
She was at least 6 foot probably 6,5 at most.
She had violet eyes that glowed with the glow of the evening sunlight.
But her smile was cruel.
It was the smile of a person who’d never been told no in their life.
The smile of someone who thought they could do whatever they wanted to and get away with it.
“Who are you?”
[I am the Author of this universe and all others, Now look at this.]
She waved her hand and a book floated to face him.
It had thousands of pages and on the page it opened up to was a blood stain.
[I had a perfectly good epic ready and you ruined it.]
She reached out and grabbed the tuft of his hair and pulled back forcing him to look her in the eyes.
[Do you have any idea how much work it is to rewrite a script like that?]
“Look lady I don’t know what you’re talking ab-”
She cut him off with a sharp slap that sent his head snapping to the side.
[Don’t talk back to me code, I own your soul, I tell you when to and when to not talk, DO I make myself clear]
Alaric stayed quiet, stunned by the slap.
[I SAID DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR, THAT REQUIRED AN ANSWER!]
“Ye…Yes ma’am.”
[Good, now little Vampire let’s get you back to the demon realm shall we?]
“Wait I’m not a-”
She cut him off with another sharp slap to the face this time he went flying to the floor.
[I SAID DO NOT TALK BACK TO ME CODE!]
[Now goodbye Vampire.]
Alaric didn’t even have time to form a thought before a portal opened below him dropping him down into the abyss.
[DRAFT LOG #1: THE EXTRACTION]
-Log: Subject 93093 was almost lost in the 2189 timeline but luckily SHE caught him.
-Observation: After close observation The Goddess is getting more aware of her existence, I should look deeper into that.
-Final Thought: Alaric is currently falling into the demon realm, let’s just hope he can get out in time before I lose him.
— Ryazai
Which one flows better
