Is the Ultraviolence... Violent?

[OtherSlater]

I just dropped chapter 22 of Ultraviolence. Another one of my more action heavy scenes. I was wondering how people felt about the way I do action. You can read 22, or any of my other action scenes.

 

[Fairemont]

Can you link it for me?

 

[OtherSlater]

Can you link it for me?

ULTRAVIOLENCE

Justice. Pain. Sins. Revenge. We all in our hearts have this sense of justice. The feeling of getting “even” in this world. An eye for an eye. We cheer on the man defending his home by shooting the man who wanted his TV dead. We love our revenge stories. Someone...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[Anonjohn20]

I just dropped chapter 22 of Ultraviolence. Another one of my more action heavy scenes. I was wondering how people felt about the way I do action. You can read 22, or any of my other action scenes.

I feel like it needs smut. 0/10

LOL JK

 

[OtherSlater]

I feel like it needs smut. 0/10

LOL JK

There will be smut in UV. But not the way you think. Stay tuned....

 

[Anonjohn20]

There will be smut in UV. But not the way you think. Stay tuned....

I was just kidding. Since I am known for reading the smut on this site, I have that joke (that everyone else is probably tired of by now LOL); you don't have to appease me or anyone else.

 

[OtherSlater]

I was just kidding. Since I am known for reading the smut on this site, I have that joke (that everyone else is probably tired of by now LOL); you don't have to appease me or anyone else.

Oh i know lol, UV is already finished! But there are sexual interactions in this book, but in a different way, I can't say anymore than that

 

[Fairemont]

Im not quite sold on the action scene in chp 22. Id have to get back to a computer to give a more in depth analysis, but the basics are:

1.) The start of the fight was really weak. The transition from arriving to fighting was so neutral-toned that I almost didnt know it was going to be a fight until he started stabbing.

2.) The phrasing and structure is a bit awkward at times, and emphasis falls in the wrong place or not at all, which takes away the intensity of the scene.

3.) I didnt feel the stakes. This might have been my lack of foreknowledge leading up to reading this section, but it felt too... muted. More struggle would help, and by struggle, I mean things like fatigue, discomfort, etc. Things that make the fighter(s) feel human and like they are truly putting their lives on the line.

The good news is that I am biased, and even With my bias, I feel like youre right on the cusp of nailing it in a way Id like to see it done.

Once I am back at my computer I can dig in and give a few suggestions and thoughts on particular aspects.

Keep up the good work!

 

[Makimaam]

A few quick notes to add:

Paragraphing needs to separate action or whodunit. There are multiple actions within a paragraph, everything is muddled and dense and makes the fight scene read like telling rather than showing. This is particularly problematic in a fight scene because as soon as readers feel that, immersion is gone.

There were a few choreography problems, like how Jackie just strolled in and no one reacted until he had already reached Teruya. There is no tension in how Jackie managed to break in, and no tension in how he scanned the surroundings to ensure he wasn’t outnumbered, that he had an exit. Those are the realistic considerations a veteran fighter takes.

You described people screaming, and it felt very much like a description.

The POV is extremely distant which further reduces the tension. There is occasional head-hopping too. Pick a perspective and dwell deep in it. If Jackie, add humanizing moments where he analyzes things. If Teruya, enhance his confusion and/or fears.

Violence isn’t purely physical but often it is psychological that is most impactful. Readers scanning 100 books every day won’t bat an eyelash at blood and gore, but at how you make them feel.

He walked over and grabbed a glass shard.

“Violence.”

Jackie rammed it through Teruya’s head, scrambling his brain, killing the thug once and for all.

Also, this stretches believability. The skull is thick and not something that can be penetrated with an ordinary shard of glass. Jackie’s hand would have bled significantly and it is sloppy to leave your blood at a crime scene. If you want to make it visceral, choose a specific entry point, such as the eye socket, or specifically mention Jackie targeting a fractured part of the skull.

 

[TinaMigarlo]

Also, this stretches believability. The skull is thick and not something that can be penetrated with an ordinary shard of glass. Jackie’s hand would have bled significantly and it is sloppy to leave your blood at a crime scene. If you want to make it visceral, choose a specific entry point, such as the eye socket, or specifically mention Jackie targeting a fractured part of the skull.

eye, as stated.
or *temple*. Its an exceedingly weak spot on the human skull, and dished inwards making it susceptible.
the ear is great for things like an icepick or a large nail.

in the first chapter back when you posted it.
I found the generic "sxwitchblade" having been used to cut off the human head the protagonist threw at the one bad guy, to be... it took me out of it.

I skin and butcher deer, and we use powered saws to cut through the neck to toss the heads aside.
once when the morgue saw was out of commission, we have to use the hand powered hacksaw.
I've done it at home with a knife, but...
I would *not* wanna try it with the prototypical hollywood "switchblade"
A deer is amazingly similar to a human anatomy.
to decapitate with a knife?
you aren;t goping thru bone (spinal bones) just ain;t happening.

you have to circumscribe all the way around down to the spinal column first. and the trachaea is problematic.
Then you have to cut the strong tendons that string it together, they are *tough* and slippery.
finally, you have to snap these little keyways, best way to describe them.
then, you have to PRY to get to vertebrae apart, and really force the knife through to get the spinal column top give way.

if I tried it with a "switchblade", that's not a fixed blade. I'd expect it top break and go through my hand or wrist.
I'd want a fixed blade only.
and even then, solid tang only. strength.
the blade should be fairly thick and wide

watch the nick berg beheading video, you can see how its done.
with experience, decapitation can look quick and easy. and with the right blade.

at the deer processing place, we know all about knives, we sit around and have "knife conversations".
the ones there that are better at sharpening and honing, talk about that end.

if you want gritty realistic violence? stuff like this is the way to get it.
a killer that was capable of decapitation would, I think, be really in tune with his knife he chose for the task.
handle size/shape. handle overlay material.
full tang fixed blade only.
thick blade, wider than normal.
these are the things I'd want for field decapitation.

I'd practice on a deer first, until I thought I was ready for my first human.

if you want grit, there you go.

 

[K_Nishi]

While reading, there were several points that didn’t feel realistic to me, and I found myself unable to clearly visualize the fight scene in my head. I’d like to point out those moments below.

• “Teruya tried to punch again, but Jackie dodged it, letting him hit the hard concrete wall. The sickening crack of bone echoed through the apartment.”
  → When throwing a punch, it’s usually done at a distance where a clean hit would land. Even if the punch is dodged, it’s unlikely that the attacker would extend far enough to strike a concrete wall. This is especially true for someone with real fighting experience.
• “He charged Jackie relentlessly with repeated punches, blows he couldn’t see, as they hit his face repeatedly. Jackie’s lip was busted wide, but he finally was able to block a blow intended for the head. Teruya immediately countered with a shot to the legs and repeated punches to his sides.”
  → Punching the head and then immediately attacking the legs is difficult to picture. There aren’t really punching techniques aimed at the legs, and following that with body shots makes it unclear what the fighters’ positions or distance are at that moment.

It’s very clear that you’re motivated to write intense and brutal violence, and that passion definitely comes through. I think that incorporating feedback from actual martial artists, or referencing real combat techniques, could make these scenes feel even more grounded and immersive. I’m rooting for you.

 

[OtherSlater]

While reading, there were several points that didn’t feel realistic to me, and I found myself unable to clearly visualize the fight scene in my head. I’d like to point out those moments below.

• “Teruya tried to punch again, but Jackie dodged it, letting him hit the hard concrete wall. The sickening crack of bone echoed through the apartment.”
  → When throwing a punch, it’s usually done at a distance where a clean hit would land. Even if the punch is dodged, it’s unlikely that the attacker would extend far enough to strike a concrete wall. This is especially true for someone with real fighting experience.
• “He charged Jackie relentlessly with repeated punches, blows he couldn’t see, as they hit his face repeatedly. Jackie’s lip was busted wide, but he finally was able to block a blow intended for the head. Teruya immediately countered with a shot to the legs and repeated punches to his sides.”
  → Punching the head and then immediately attacking the legs is difficult to picture. There aren’t really punching techniques aimed at the legs, and following that with body shots makes it unclear what the fighters’ positions or distance are at that moment.

It’s very clear that you’re motivated to write intense and brutal violence, and that passion definitely comes through. I think that incorporating feedback from actual martial artists, or referencing real combat techniques, could make these scenes feel even more grounded and immersive. I’m rooting for you.

I meant shot as in a kick to the legs. I'll clarify that later. Also I will say Teruya is high on drugs, so the idea is he's throwing a wild punch. I'll also add that in the edits, thank you.

A few quick notes to add:

Paragraphing needs to separate action or whodunit. There are multiple actions within a paragraph, everything is muddled and dense and makes the fight scene read like telling rather than showing. This is particularly problematic in a fight scene because as soon as readers feel that, immersion is gone.

There were a few choreography problems, like how Jackie just strolled in and no one reacted until he had already reached Teruya. There is no tension in how Jackie managed to break in, and no tension in how he scanned the surroundings to ensure he wasn’t outnumbered, that he had an exit. Those are the realistic considerations a veteran fighter takes.

You described people screaming, and it felt very much like a description.

The POV is extremely distant which further reduces the tension. There is occasional head-hopping too. Pick a perspective and dwell deep in it. If Jackie, add humanizing moments where he analyzes things. If Teruya, enhance his confusion and/or fears.

Violence isn’t purely physical but often it is psychological that is most impactful. Readers scanning 100 books every day won’t bat an eyelash at blood and gore, but at how you make them feel.



Also, this stretches believability. The skull is thick and not something that can be penetrated with an ordinary shard of glass. Jackie’s hand would have bled significantly and it is sloppy to leave your blood at a crime scene. If you want to make it visceral, choose a specific entry point, such as the eye socket, or specifically mention Jackie targeting a fractured part of the skull.

I honestly didn't know what to do before the fight lol. I mean I figured it's a high-end apartment complex not a fortress so it wouldn't be impossible to just stroll up there after hours. Maybe I'll brainstorm later, thank you.

eye, as stated.
or *temple*. Its an exceedingly weak spot on the human skull, and dished inwards making it susceptible.
the ear is great for things like an icepick or a large nail.

in the first chapter back when you posted it.
I found the generic "sxwitchblade" having been used to cut off the human head the protagonist threw at the one bad guy, to be... it took me out of it.

I skin and butcher deer, and we use powered saws to cut through the neck to toss the heads aside.
once when the morgue saw was out of commission, we have to use the hand powered hacksaw.
I've done it at home with a knife, but...
I would *not* wanna try it with the prototypical hollywood "switchblade"
A deer is amazingly similar to a human anatomy.
to decapitate with a knife?
you aren;t goping thru bone (spinal bones) just ain;t happening.

you have to circumscribe all the way around down to the spinal column first. and the trachaea is problematic.
Then you have to cut the strong tendons that string it together, they are *tough* and slippery.
finally, you have to snap these little keyways, best way to describe them.
then, you have to PRY to get to vertebrae apart, and really force the knife through to get the spinal column top give way.

if I tried it with a "switchblade", that's not a fixed blade. I'd expect it top break and go through my hand or wrist.
I'd want a fixed blade only.
and even then, solid tang only. strength.
the blade should be fairly thick and wide

watch the nick berg beheading video, you can see how its done.
with experience, decapitation can look quick and easy. and with the right blade.

at the deer processing place, we know all about knives, we sit around and have "knife conversations".
the ones there that are better at sharpening and honing, talk about that end.

if you want gritty realistic violence? stuff like this is the way to get it.
a killer that was capable of decapitation would, I think, be really in tune with his knife he chose for the task.
handle size/shape. handle overlay material.
full tang fixed blade only.
thick blade, wider than normal.
these are the things I'd want for field decapitation.

I'd practice on a deer first, until I thought I was ready for my first human.

if you want grit, there you go.

I rather not watch a decapitation video, lol. While unlikely, the story wouldn't change much if I had a switchblade or a saw. It's not gonna be realistic always. In reality Jackie would be arrested around Chapter Eleven. I will change the glass shard bit, though.

 

[Makimaam]

I honestly didn't know what to do before the fight lol. I mean I figured it's a high-end apartment complex not a fortress so it wouldn't be impossible to just stroll up there after hours. Maybe I'll brainstorm later, thank you.

In fact, a high-end apartment complex makes everything more difficult.

First: front door access, how? Jackie can tail someone in, but once he gets to the elevator, he needs an access card. I assume Tetsuya lives in a penthouse, I don’t remember the details exactly, but makes it even more difficult.

As a Yakuza, it isn’t believable that he would be high and casually open the door to his penthouse. Additionally, the private lift should lead directly into the penthouse, requiring a fob tab. These logistics require thorough tactical thinking and will absolutely drag the plot if you dwell on them. If you want quick, fast action, use Tetsuya’s perspective instead.

So you can start the scene with something like this. Again, this is just me being bored and I’m not saying you have to write like this, just giving you an idea of how to sidestep the logistical nightmares.

Spoiler

Tetsuya tilted his head back and rested against his olive-green sofa, watching the city lights smeared against one another through his glass window. Neon colors bled and swirled, and his fingers itched to reach out to blend them.

Soft, feminine laughter floated through his penthouse, followed by the clink of ceramics. Tetsuya’s escorts, as usual, were enjoying themselves with his prized Hibiki whisky collection and their dumb drinking games.

He felt a hand admiring the Irezumi on his bare chest. Turning to the new escort, he licked his lips and grabbed her wrist. Young, fresh… a new flavor, he thought, wondering how she would sound if he squeezed her wrist just a little harder.

Her face suddenly scrunched and twisted, then she screamed anyway even though he hadn’t done anything to her. The sound was dull and muffled, as though his ears were deep underwater.

“Shut the fuck up, bitch,” he muttered, his voice slurred over itself as his tongue still felt thick. He raised his palm to slap her, but a strong grip caught his arm.

Before he knew it, the smell of waxed oak hit him the moment his face bashed against the floor, a hot flash of pain vibrating through his head.

The whores screamed louder now, and he heard bare feet slapping across the wooden floor as they scrambled to get away.

Tetsuya’s vision began to refocus, and he found a stranger in a mask looming above him.

“Who the fu—” Another kick landed on his face. His mouth flooded with warm, thick ooze of blood. He spat it out along with a front tooth.

Deliriously, he liked it.

He grinned and narrowed his eyes as pain sharpened his vision, crossing his arms to block the heavy, hammering boots.

 

[OtherSlater]

In fact, a high-end apartment complex makes everything more difficult.

First: front door access, how? Jackie can tail someone in, but once he gets to the elevator, he needs an access card. I assume Tetsuya lives in a penthouse, I don’t remember the details exactly, but makes it even more difficult.

As a Yakuza, it isn’t believable that he would be high and casually open the door to his penthouse. Additionally, the private lift should lead directly into the penthouse, requiring a fob tab. These logistics require thorough tactical thinking and will absolutely drag the plot if you dwell on them. If you want quick, fast action, use Tetsuya’s perspective instead.

So you can start the scene with something like this. Again, this is just me being bored and I’m not saying you have to write like this, just giving you an idea of how to sidestep the logistical nightmares.

Spoiler

Tetsuya tilted his head back and rested against his olive-green sofa, watching the city lights smeared against one another through his glass window. Neon colors bled and swirled, and his fingers itched to reach out to blend them.

Soft, feminine laughter floated through his penthouse, followed by the clink of ceramics. Tetsuya’s escorts, as usual, were enjoying themselves with his prized Hibiki whisky collection and their dumb drinking games.

He felt a hand admiring the Irezumi on his bare chest. Turning to the new escort, he licked his lips and grabbed her wrist. Young, fresh… a new flavor, he thought, wondering how she would sound if he squeezed her wrist just a little harder.

Her face suddenly scrunched and twisted, then she screamed anyway even though he hadn’t done anything to her. The sound was dull and muffled, as though his ears were deep underwater.

“Shut the fuck up, bitch,” he muttered, his voice slurred over itself as his tongue still felt thick. He raised his palm to slap her, but a strong grip caught his arm.

Before he knew it, the smell of waxed oak hit him the moment his face bashed against the floor, a hot flash of pain vibrating through his head.

The whores screamed louder now, and he heard bare feet slapping across the wooden floor as they scrambled to get away.

Tetsuya’s vision began to refocus, and he found a stranger in a mask looming above him.

“Who the fu—” Another kick landed on his face. His mouth flooded with warm, thick ooze of blood. He spat it out along with a front tooth.

Deliriously, he liked it.

He grinned and narrowed his eyes as pain sharpened his vision, crossing his arms to block the heavy, hammering boots.

I see... Thanks. I'll add my own flair to it and see what I can do. I appreciate the advice.

 

[TinaMigarlo]

While reading, there were several points that didn’t feel realistic to me, and I found myself unable to clearly visualize the fight scene in my head. I’d like to point out those moments below.

• “Teruya tried to punch again, but Jackie dodged it, letting him hit the hard concrete wall. The sickening crack of bone echoed through the apartment.”
  → When throwing a punch, it’s usually done at a distance where a clean hit would land. Even if the punch is dodged, it’s unlikely that the attacker would extend far enough to strike a concrete wall. This is especially true for someone with real fighting experience.
• “He charged Jackie relentlessly with repeated punches, blows he couldn’t see, as they hit his face repeatedly. Jackie’s lip was busted wide, but he finally was able to block a blow intended for the head. Teruya immediately countered with a shot to the legs and repeated punches to his sides.”
  → Punching the head and then immediately attacking the legs is difficult to picture. There aren’t really punching techniques aimed at the legs, and following that with body shots makes it unclear what the fighters’ positions or distance are at that moment.

It’s very clear that you’re motivated to write intense and brutal violence, and that passion definitely comes through. I think that incorporating feedback from actual martial artists, or referencing real combat techniques, could make these scenes feel even more grounded and immersive. I’m rooting for you.

to be fair, a boxer moving their head to miss a punch or even "slip" one (glances off, no real damage) is common.
two types of punches to consider.

jab... your hand shoots out, and retracts quick. with snap. That, if you miss, won't carry your fist into the wall.
but for serious power. when the boxer plants the heel and leans body weight into it...
there's momentum. The body weight is behind it. if you miss one of those heavy shots, yeah. You'll hit the wall if its right behind them.
particularly, an amateur will throw the heavy forward leaning shot like that, which is even easier for a boxer to avoid and they will definitely hit the wall. hard.
the hand does break, and they're out of the fight.

boxers and kickboxers can't punch full force in a street fight, believe it or not.
the skull is amazingly hard, and they can punch hard and fast enough, that they split their hand in two.
that's why all fighters, wrap their hands and still wear gloves.

but to give credit where it due...
a trained fighter, goading a guy into really winding up trying to tag their head, head faking them, baiting them.
letting them hit the wall because they're leaning into it, yeah.

you split your hand like that, on wall or skull (cement if you miss when ion top doing ground and pound, is another way to break you're hand.)
you're out of the fight *immediately*
the hand, instantly swells up like a bowling ball.
they will scream for their mother, holding their hand up.

I rather not watch a decapitation video, lol. While unlikely, the story wouldn't change much if I had a switchblade or a saw. It's not gonna be realistic always.

you write about a vigilante doing decapitations to intimidate opponents, but you can't watch a common gore video?
lack of commitment,lol
the reader is expected to visualize. You want them visualizing a decapitation.

but if you switched it out to a short, wide, thick blade. With a wide handle for good grip.
the knife would then be recognizably capable to have been used for a in the field, head disarticulation.
I would expect some detail, maybe while waiting.
him thinking about his knife, inner monologue about it.