I Would really appreciate a review on my work!

Eldoria

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Is this just reading or is it also giving feedback?! In fact... casual readers may have already read your fiction even if they are silent readers.
 

Playerkartik

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You can give feedback? I thought there was a limit like 10000 words to be should published kinda thing?
Is this just reading or is it also giving feedback?! In fact... casual readers may have already read your fiction even if they are silent readers.
 

Eldoria

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You can give feedback? I thought there was a limit like 10000 words to be should published kinda thing?
What?! Who made that rule?! You don't have to finish writing fiction to find out if your narrative is effective (for readers) or not.
 

Eldoria

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Hmm...I guess I just messed up there!

?
Well, I'll give you an unspoken rule here. If you ask forum members to read your fiction, they might consider you using the feedback thread for a covert promotional activity, which is generally frowned upon by members.

However, if you sincerely ask for feedback to improve your narrative and make it more readable, members here are quite gracious in providing voluntary feedback without any strings attached. It's not a review swap.

Just be patient and respectful of both the giver and receiver of feedback. Don't be rude, even if the feedback is difficult to accept. Remain polite and humble. That's basic etiquette here.
 

Playerkartik

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Is it? Then I will post a new thread asking for reviews.
Thanks for clearing it out really appreciate it!??
Well, I'll give you an unspoken rule here. If you ask forum members to read your fiction, they might consider you using the feedback thread for a covert promotional activity, which is generally frowned upon by members.

However, if you sincerely ask for feedback to improve your narrative and make it more readable, members here are quite gracious in providing voluntary feedback without any strings attached. It's not a review swap.

Just be patient and respectful of both the giver and receiver of feedback. Don't be rude, even if the feedback is difficult to accept. Remain polite and humble. That's basic etiquette here.
Is it? Then I will post a new thread asking for reviews.
Thanks for clearing it out really appreciate it!??
I don't know why the statement cam twice ignore it
Is it? Then I will post a new thread asking for reviews.
Thanks for clearing it out really appreciate it!??

Is it? Then I will post a new thread asking for reviews.
Thanks for clearing it out really appreciate it!??
 

Fairemont

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Title: 3.5/5
Shattered Skies is a good title. It sounds neat, is a little evocative, but is otherwise uninformative on its own. The Beginnings, however, is a wet blanket title. It tells you that this is the start of some story, but by Trogdor is it a basic bitch of a title. You can probably do something better than that.

Cover: 3/5
Text doesn't pop so you can't really see the title. Overall composition is extremely simple and tells you next to nothing about the story (which is not required by any means), but also doesn't really have that draw you want if it isn't informative. It is just too... "meh". It doesn't do anything particularly well, but doesn't fall too flat. It will just get lost in the hundreds of other covers that are single-character-standing-with-their-back-to the-camera covers.

Synopsis: 3.5/5
Short and concise, but kind of vague. Makes some very superficial suggestions about the story and what it will contain, but little more than "this is a generic fantasy story". You'd probably want to dig a little deeper later on.

However! It did give me a slightly better title suggestion for you. Shattered Skies: The Shard of Kian. That at least sounds cool, unlike your current version.

Chapter One: 4/5
I got an aggressive case of whiplash by the sudden-onset first person shift half way through.

I always get bothered when text is randomly bolded.

Also, I know that you say your story is AI-assisted, but this reeks of AI from start-to-finish. I believe that if you're looking to get successful with this, you'll have to weather a lot of people just absolutely skewering you for the AI, because it is clearly a major component of this story being here in the first place.

As for the content. Chapter one introduces the main character, suggests a side character in Captain Gerald who already feels like he's destined to die as a component of inspiration for the main character, and then introduces the main concept of the sky shattering and people getting their shards. Not much else happens, and everything that does happen is rather superficial. It could be a little deeper, but it probably works for a light novel type of feel.

Chapter Two: 3/5
The first person is gone, and we're back to third person. Hmm...

The dialogue is... really, not very good. It feels disconnected, like the AI wrote it, because the way they interact doesn't feel like they truly hear what the other says and respond accordingly.

We get some new characters, more kids. They're introduced by name and used to set Kian up as particularly special for his large shard. Someone is also mentioned as having a second shard, but I couldn't tell who because the structure of the writing got really weird at that point.

Conclusion: This story will struggle to find noteworthy success
The biggest downside of this is that the story doesn't feel like it has a writer behind it. It feels cobbled together, barely keeping coherent between sentences, much less between paragraphs. It jumps around a lot, and spends very little time on any single subject, so it remains, as I keep saying, incredibly superficial.

I don't feel an author's narrative voice. There's no soul to the writing, and it's going to hurt you down the road. I won't read more chapters, because it feels unrewarding and unsatisfying to read with the current presentation.

I believe the base concept is workable, but I'd much rather read this written by you without the AI assistance, even if your writing skills aren't that good. I can stomach bad grammar, typos, and other rookie mistakes and janky writing features, but this just isn't a satisfying reading experience as it is currently.
 

Playerkartik

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Title: 3.5/5
Shattered Skies is a good title. It sounds neat, is a little evocative, but is otherwise uninformative on its own. The Beginnings, however, is a wet blanket title. It tells you that this is the start of some story, but by Trogdor is it a basic bitch of a title. You can probably do something better than that.

Cover: 3/5
Text doesn't pop so you can't really see the title. Overall composition is extremely simple and tells you next to nothing about the story (which is not required by any means), but also doesn't really have that draw you want if it isn't informative. It is just too... "meh". It doesn't do anything particularly well, but doesn't fall too flat. It will just get lost in the hundreds of other covers that are single-character-standing-with-their-back-to the-camera covers.

Synopsis: 3.5/5
Short and concise, but kind of vague. Makes some very superficial suggestions about the story and what it will contain, but little more than "this is a generic fantasy story". You'd probably want to dig a little deeper later on.

However! It did give me a slightly better title suggestion for you. Shattered Skies: The Shard of Kian. That at least sounds cool, unlike your current version.

Chapter One: 4/5
I got an aggressive case of whiplash by the sudden-onset first person shift half way through.

I always get bothered when text is randomly bolded.

Also, I know that you say your story is AI-assisted, but this reeks of AI from start-to-finish. I believe that if you're looking to get successful with this, you'll have to weather a lot of people just absolutely skewering you for the AI, because it is clearly a major component of this story being here in the first place.

As for the content. Chapter one introduces the main character, suggests a side character in Captain Gerald who already feels like he's destined to die as a component of inspiration for the main character, and then introduces the main concept of the sky shattering and people getting their shards. Not much else happens, and everything that does happen is rather superficial. It could be a little deeper, but it probably works for a light novel type of feel.

Chapter Two: 3/5
The first person is gone, and we're back to third person. Hmm...

The dialogue is... really, not very good. It feels disconnected, like the AI wrote it, because the way they interact doesn't feel like they truly hear what the other says and respond accordingly.

We get some new characters, more kids. They're introduced by name and used to set Kian up as particularly special for his large shard. Someone is also mentioned as having a second shard, but I couldn't tell who because the structure of the writing got really weird at that point.

Conclusion: This story will struggle to find noteworthy success
The biggest downside of this is that the story doesn't feel like it has a writer behind it. It feels cobbled together, barely keeping coherent between sentences, much less between paragraphs. It jumps around a lot, and spends very little time on any single subject, so it remains, as I keep saying, incredibly superficial.

I don't feel an author's narrative voice. There's no soul to the writing, and it's going to hurt you down the road. I won't read more chapters, because it feels unrewarding and unsatisfying to read with the current presentation.

I believe the base concept is workable, but I'd much rather read this written by you without the AI assistance, even if your writing skills aren't that good. I can stomach bad grammar, typos, and other rookie mistakes and janky writing features, but this just isn't a satisfying reading experience as it is currently.
Thank you for the review!
What I have been doing it is...Write the paragraph all on my own and then putting it into an AI promting for LIGHT novel style paragraphs...But it changed the wording here and there too, I liked it so I kept it and mentioned AI-ASSITED in the description.
I guess I will just work again backk from the chapter 1 and come back for review!
 

Fairemont

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If that is truly the case then Id try to write it yourself and see how it looks.

When you have done so, let me know and Ill take a look at it.
 

Playerkartik

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If that is truly the case then Id try to write it yourself and see how it looks.

When you have done so, let me know and Ill take a look at it.
yooo i would like another advice...should i delete this novel AI one and repost it completely or just edit it chapter wise?
 

Fairemont

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yooo i would like another advice...should i delete this novel AI one and repost it completely or just edit it chapter wise?
Thats an up to you type of thing.

If you plan to redo the entire thing it might be best to take it down and re-upload it later.
 

Playerkartik

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In this world where shards contain the memories of the past, they also awaken the innate powers of people. This is the story of Kian, an orphan boy who lived in a small village in the countryside surrounded by lush green farm fields and a small but dangerous forest right beside.





Kian is a little boy of about 10 years with a combination of messy black hair, purple eyes and fair skin. He was of the ‘Never Giving Up’ attitude, no matter how many times he fell – he got up. He was respectable to everyone, especially to the ‘elder of orphanage’, the one who raised him to what he was now. There was also one person whom he greatly admired, ‘Captain Gerald’ the squad leader who was assigned with his squad for the security of this small village.





It was evening, near sunset Kian was out playing with his friends. Well he was not really playing, he was standing beside the Squad Training Ground and watching Captain Gerald train with the other squad members. Gerald was the person Kian was looking at, with a ‘wow’ look on his face. Gerald’s sword was wrapped in flames – a red orange flame brighter than anyone on the training ground.





Kian watched Captain Gerald train till the sunset. Once everyone had left and Captain Gerald was alone, Kian ran straight towards him.





“C…Captain Gerald, how do I become strong…How do I summon flames like you?





Gerald stood straight with his sword in the ground and both his hands on its hilt looking directly into Kian’s eyes.


“Every ten years shards fall from the sky. Those shards awaken your powers. When you get one you will become strong too.”





Kian’s eyes widened. “Shards…?”


Gerald chuckled. “After all…ten years are almost over. Your chance might come earlier than you think.”


Kian’s eyes sparkled with excitement and he ran back to the orphanage.





It was night when the elder came to tuck Kian in his bed. Kian, still excited, asked the elder.


“Elder…What are shards? Why do they fall from the sky?”


The elder looked at Kian with a gentle smile and put his hand on Kian's head.


“Curious as ever aren’t you…Shards are like pieces of glass that fall from the sky. They awaken the powers within you and also contain memories of a person who existed in the past. If your will is strong, they can grant you power and even knowledge from the past. You must also be strong enough to control them…else they may corrupt you.”


Elder then walked out of the room saying, “Good Night.”


Kian, still thinking about the shards, closes his eyes and falls asleep.


“S..shards….”





In the cold morning climate, I could feel the cold gentle wind from the window over my face and the warmth of my blanket over my body. I could hear my friends’ voices calling me to play. I opened my eyes, everything looked hazy and I walked down still yawning and rubbing my eyes. As I walked out of the orphanage I could feel the warm sunlight falling on me.


Then I looked up.


The sky was clear blue with numerous clouds. But the second I blinked, everything changed. The clouds were no longer soft and white, they looked like pieces of glass. The entire sky was shining with light leaking through the clouds.


Suddenly it started raining, but the raindrops were not normal. They were pieces of glass shaped like a raindrop. Most of the pieces were small like raindrops but very few were larger, almost like broken glass.





The sun rose with pieces of glass falling from the sky that were twinkling like stars and a beautiful rainbow formed right above the village.





The droplets fell on me, but they didn’t hurt. They weren’t hard like glass but instead they shattered into even smaller particles as they touched me and vanished into the air.





Just then -


*Zzzoookkk*


Something fell right in front of me. It was a piece of glass as tall as me. I could see through it but with a faint reflection of myself inside it.


Just as I looked into it, my reflection began to burn.


The world around me began to blur, it was as if I was zooming into the piece of glass. Everything had turned pitch black. I couldn’t see anything, there was nothing to see. I was not standing on any surface nor was I floating around in silence.


Suddenly, flames surrounded me. They wrapped around my arm. I was shocked, but more terrified. The flames wrapping around my arm didn’t burn my skin but I could feel their heat on my skin.





Then -


*CRRAAACKKK*


As I looked, the endless pitch black scenery started getting cracks as if it was breaking into pieces like glass. With each crack a piece fell on the ground and turned into small particles like dust. The dust started circling around me.


They’re surrounding me…why?


As each piece fell I could see the real world through it and so did the dust circling around me increase.


I tried touching it. It started gathering on the right side of my neck. I could feel the particles gathering on my neck.


The scenery shattering…the dust gathering on my neck, my heart suddenly started beating faster.


What is happening…M-my body…It feels warmer. My vision feels blurry.





The darkness slowly disappeared and I was in the village.


I…I can’t…Stay awake…





I had no strength left and collapsed on the ground.
@Fairemont is the first chapter better now?
 
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