Looking for feedback on tone & thematic clarity (completed short series)

[K_Nishi]

Hello everyone,
I’m looking for some focused feedback on a completed short series I recently published on Scribble Hub.

Title: The Forbidden Spell: A War Witch’s Love
Length: 12 chapters / ~5.6k words
Status: Completed

This is not a LitRPG or progression-focused story.
I was intentionally aiming for a darker, more restrained tone, with an emphasis on war, faith, fear, and love, rather than fast pacing or power growth.

At this point, I’m not looking for line edits or grammar corrections.
What I’d really like feedback on are the following two points:

1. Did the tone remain consistent from beginning to end?
   (Did it feel cohesive, or did any chapter feel out of place?)
2. Were the core themes clear to you?
   (War / religion / love / fear — or did any part feel confusing, misleading, or unfocused?)

This story is already finished, so I’m mainly interested in reader perception rather than revision advice.

Any thoughts—positive or critical—are appreciated, as long as they’re focused on the points above.
Thank you for your time.

https://www.scribblehub.com/series/1631340/the-forbidden-spell-a-war-witchs-lovecompleted/

 

[Eldoria]

I've added your work to my reading list. I'll give you feedback after reading it.

 

[Peagreene]

You said you weren't looking for grammar corrections, but I feel obliged to point out that you need to fix your dialogue formatting as it's not always clear who's speaking, and this will affect things like tone and theme.

"Then let me claim her as war spoils," Alex said calmly.

"She isn’t one of them. Her dialect, her skin tone… She’s from elsewhere.

The empire allows assimilation of non-hostiles, does it not?"

Alex didn’t answer.

Because deep inside,
he feared he no longer wanted her to let go.

Is this a bad thing? Why would he need to let her go?

Leixiao closed her eyes and began to whisper in a language he didn’t understand.

Suddenly, Alex felt his body go warm—too warm. His limbs froze. His mind blurred. He couldn’t speak. Couldn’t move.

(What’s happening—)

Darkness swallowed him whole.

Why didn't she use her power like this on the people who tried to kill her? Why didn't she use her power to escape the well?

He had believed they fell in love naturally—mutually.

At no point did I get the sense Alex loved Leixiao. At one point she even says "I love you" and he replies "I know" so my impression of their dynamic was more like she was a slightly creepy lapdog he kept around because she was useful. There's no tenderness between them to give even the false impression of love.

“I love you, Leixiao. I always have. Ever since the first moment I saw you… my heart wouldn’t stop racing. You’re beautiful. You always have been.

Again, this is no indication of real love. So she's beautiful, so what?

Methodically, he began severing arms and legs. The scent of death had already drawn vultures overhead. Like a butcher preparing an offering, he tossed the severed limbs toward the circling birds.

The vultures descended eagerly, feasting.

He gently closed the eyes of the corpses before cutting their throats and offering the heads to the birds as well.

This seems like a lot of work. Why not just let the vultures do their thing without wasting time/energy on this?

I saw in a comment you said you used AI to help translate this, and that's probably why the writing feels quite stiff and bland. If love is a core theme of the story, or of people finding love despite the horrors, that needs to come through more strongly because at the moment everything feels very staged and formal. Leixiao mentions Alex going toe-to-toe with her and having arguments, but we see none of that, and every part of their interactions comes across like Alex is afraid or grossed out by Leixiao, not that he likes her.

1. Did the tone remain consistent from beginning to end?
   (Did it feel cohesive, or did any chapter feel out of place?)
   I found the time jump between Chapters 2 and 3 confusing. I assumed the end of Chapter 2 would complete the flashback but instead it carried on into the next chapter.
2. Were the core themes clear to you?
   I got themes of war, love, obsession, and moral compasses.
   
   Overall, this isn't the usual thing I read, and I didn't love it as it was very grandiose and I prefer a more grounded approach, but that's one hundred percent my own personal preferences coming through.

 

[K_Nishi]

You said you weren't looking for grammar corrections, but I feel obliged to point out that you need to fix your dialogue formatting as it's not always clear who's speaking, and this will affect things like tone and theme.




Is this a bad thing? Why would he need to let her go?


Why didn't she use her power like this on the people who tried to kill her? Why didn't she use her power to escape the well?


At no point did I get the sense Alex loved Leixiao. At one point she even says "I love you" and he replies "I know" so my impression of their dynamic was more like she was a slightly creepy lapdog he kept around because she was useful. There's no tenderness between them to give even the false impression of love.


Again, this is no indication of real love. So she's beautiful, so what?


This seems like a lot of work. Why not just let the vultures do their thing without wasting time/energy on this?

I saw in a comment you said you used AI to help translate this, and that's probably why the writing feels quite stiff and bland. If love is a core theme of the story, or of people finding love despite the horrors, that needs to come through more strongly because at the moment everything feels very staged and formal. Leixiao mentions Alex going toe-to-toe with her and having arguments, but we see none of that, and every part of their interactions comes across like Alex is afraid or grossed out by Leixiao, not that he likes her.

1. Did the tone remain consistent from beginning to end?
   (Did it feel cohesive, or did any chapter feel out of place?)
   I found the time jump between Chapters 2 and 3 confusing. I assumed the end of Chapter 2 would complete the flashback but instead it carried on into the next chapter.
2. Were the core themes clear to you?
   I got themes of war, love, obsession, and moral compasses.
   
   Overall, this isn't the usual thing I read, and I didn't love it as it was very grandiose and I prefer a more grounded approach, but that's one hundred percent my own personal preferences coming through.

Thank you for taking the time to read and write such a detailed response.

What you pointed out—especially regarding how Alex’s feelings come across, and how staged or restrained the interactions feel—is very helpful as reader perception. That gap between authorial intent and how it reads is exactly what I was hoping to learn from posting here.

Since this work is already finished, I’m not planning revisions, but your comments give me a clearer picture of how the themes are landing for at least one reader. I appreciate the honesty.

 

[Yusrohemendator]

I have dropped feedback for chapter 1 and added your story to my reading list