Requesting Feedback, Critisim, Reviews, and what have you for my first writing..

[ViktorBloodfallen]

Hello,

Like many here I too am a first time writer. I have never written anything before. I also don't have much of an education so please bear with my grammar, formatting and punctuation.

I did have a friend read over a few lines, however she had gotten busy around chapter 3 and the God Emperor forbade the use of Abominable Intelligence so I proof read myself. I also did cut chapters into two as well, which could harm the readability but to lowers the "wall of text" for mobile reader. I read on this forum and RR that is an issue.

I wrote this with the intent of it being a descent into madness and the loss of humanity. That is the overarching premise.

It is supposed to be heavy, dark, and not really feel all that great. I want it to be a slow burn as well.

Some questions i'd like to ask. (you do not have to answer these to provide feedback.)

1. Was there any point where you were genuinely confused about what was happening?
2. Did the violence feel realistic or cartoonish?
3. At what specific point did you stop reading/ want to stop
4. Would this ultimately be better as future flashback material or exposition

Link: https://www.scribblehub.com/series/2150759/the-mourning-star-a-grimdark-vampire-isekai/


Thank you to all who read and reply. I appreciate you taking the time to help an aspiring writer.

Respectfully.

Viktor Bloodfallen

 

[K_Nishi]

Honestly speaking, this is extremely engaging.

The contrast between the Prologue, which depicts Valentina as a vampire in the midst of a brutal revenge, and Chapter 1, which portrays what appears to be her human past in such a raw and grounded way, is incredibly compelling. The shift in tone works very well and adds a lot of emotional weight to her character.

What particularly struck me was how real and uncomfortable her past feels — the domestic abuse, the constant fear, and her quiet resolve to protect her siblings. It’s written with a level of restraint that makes it hit even harder.

Seeing her react to food like garlic bread, even enjoying the buttery smell, made me wonder if she is still human at that point — or at least not yet fully what she becomes later. If I’m mistaken, I apologize, but that ambiguity actually made the chapter even more intriguing.

All in all, this genuinely feels like encountering a rare gem. It’s been a long time since I’ve read something that left such a strong impression so early on. I’m very much looking forward to seeing where Valentina’s story goes next.

 

[ViktorBloodfallen]

Honestly speaking, this is extremely engaging.

The contrast between the Prologue, which depicts Valentina as a vampire in the midst of a brutal revenge, and Chapter 1, which portrays what appears to be her human past in such a raw and grounded way, is incredibly compelling. The shift in tone works very well and adds a lot of emotional weight to her character.

What particularly struck me was how real and uncomfortable her past feels — the domestic abuse, the constant fear, and her quiet resolve to protect her siblings. It’s written with a level of restraint that makes it hit even harder.

Seeing her react to food like garlic bread, even enjoying the buttery smell, made me wonder if she is still human at that point — or at least not yet fully what she becomes later. If I’m mistaken, I apologize, but that ambiguity actually made the chapter even more intriguing.

All in all, this genuinely feels like encountering a rare gem. It’s been a long time since I’ve read something that left such a strong impression so early on. I’m very much looking forward to seeing where Valentina’s story goes next.

Thank you for your words! I am truly happy knowing my work impacted you so. I am excited for you to follow her journey as well. The next chapter will be out soon. Once more thank you for reading :)

 

[Fairemont]

Pretty good for your first story!

I just skimmed through bits and pieces, but the prose feels solid. I didn't get a good grasp on characterization or overall story since I was pretty brief with my perusal, but you're definitely off to a good start from what I can see.

Keep up the good work!

 

[ViktorBloodfallen]

Pretty good for your first story!

I just skimmed through bits and pieces, but the prose feels solid. I didn't get a good grasp on characterization or overall story since I was pretty brief with my perusal, but you're definitely off to a good start from what I can see.

Keep up the good work!

Thank you for the kind words, I was very conscious on the flow rewriting like mad to make it make sense. If you eve do decide to dive back in I'd love to hear your thoughts but until then thank you for the motivational boost :)

 

[Joyager2]

I’ve read your prologue and your first chapter. It’s hard to give you any big-picture notes from such a small sample, but I’ve noticed that you’ve got some especially big issues on the ground level.

First and foremost, your tenses are inconsistent. Overwhelmingly, you write in the present tense, but occasionally, you’ll slip into the past tense. You also struggle a fair bit with sentence structure. Most of your sentences are identical in length and construction (including several sentences that are incomplete or spliced with a comma), which leads to the majority of your writing to feel monotonous and, at times, hard to follow. This is especially apparent in your prologue. When the chapter climaxes and Valentina arrives, it’s hard to tell that she’s burst into the cathedral in a whirl violence or that she is fearsome to the men gathered there because it is written identically to the rest of the chapter.

That’s an issue, and it’s not one that’s solely related to your sentence structure, either. Your chapters move very quickly, focused exclusively on moving from one event to another without ever lingering on a setting, a character, or an emotion. Valentina’s arrival in your prologue still works as an example. We’re introduced to a body, but we spend very little time with it. How does the body look? Smell? Sit in the shadow or the light? How does this make the baron feel (apart from childishly giddy, a description you repeat maybe too often)? When Valentina arrives, she simply bursts through the wall. There is no shaking of the ground, no battering against the stone, no creeping fear in the hearts of these men, and no clear effort on her behalf.

These issues, taken together, along with some clichéd dialogue, mean that the violence does feel somewhat cartoony and your story can be difficult to follow.

My biggest advice would be to slow down. Take your time where you can to present a scene with the scale and weight it deserves, with the emotion and clarity it requires. Describe your settings and your characters. Give us little moments where you can.

 

[ViktorBloodfallen]

I’ve read your prologue and your first chapter. It’s hard to give you any big-picture notes from such a small sample, but I’ve noticed that you’ve got some especially big issues on the ground level.

First and foremost, your tenses are inconsistent. Overwhelmingly, you write in the present tense, but occasionally, you’ll slip into the past tense. You also struggle a fair bit with sentence structure. Most of your sentences are identical in length and construction (including several sentences that are incomplete or spliced with a comma), which leads to the majority of your writing to feel monotonous and, at times, hard to follow. This is especially apparent in your prologue. When the chapter climaxes and Valentina arrives, it’s hard to tell that she’s burst into the cathedral in a whirl violence or that she is fearsome to the men gathered there because it is written identically to the rest of the chapter.

That’s an issue, and it’s not one that’s solely related to your sentence structure, either. Your chapters move very quickly, focused exclusively on moving from one event to another without ever lingering on a setting, a character, or an emotion. Valentina’s arrival in your prologue still works as an example. We’re introduced to a body, but we spend very little time with it. How does the body look? Smell? Sit in the shadow or the light? How does this make the baron feel (apart from childishly giddy, a description you repeat maybe too often)? When Valentina arrives, she simply bursts through the wall. There is no shaking of the ground, no battering against the stone, no creeping fear in the hearts of these men, and no clear effort on her behalf.

These issues, taken together, along with some clichéd dialogue, mean that the violence does feel somewhat cartoony and your story can be difficult to follow.

My biggest advice would be to slow down. Take your time where you can to present a scene with the scale and weight it deserves, with the emotion and clarity it requires. Describe your settings and your characters. Give us little moments where you can.

Thank you for taking the time to read and comment.

I am unsure what sentence structure even is, but it seems to be something I need to look into more as well as the tensing. For the chapters I do see what you mean, it is very abrupt. I have a lot of ideas and want to get to them swiftly instead of taking the time to lead us there naturally. I think I get ahead of myself and think "oh this is going to be cool" and rush to it.

I will look into the dialogue as well and see what change of phrases i can use to make it less cliched. I think I was too worried about the word count as you can see from a previous post that i cut a lot of details out hoping for it to become more readable only for it to do the opposite. A lot of chapters are split into two or even three.

Once more I thank you for taking the time out of your day to provide me with feedback to improve myself. I hope you will follow me in my journey of improvement and find my story will eventually be easier to follow.

 

[Joyager2]

Thank you for taking the time to read and comment.

I am unsure what sentence structure even is, but it seems to be something I need to look into more as well as the tensing. For the chapters I do see what you mean, it is very abrupt. I have a lot of ideas and want to get to them swiftly instead of taking the time to lead us there naturally. I think I get ahead of myself and think "oh this is going to be cool" and rush to it.

I will look into the dialogue as well and see what change of phrases i can use to make it less cliched. I think I was too worried about the word count as you can see from a previous post that i cut a lot of details out hoping for it to become more readable only for it to do the opposite. A lot of chapters are split into two or even three.

Once more I thank you for taking the time out of your day to provide me with feedback to improve myself. I hope you will follow me in my journey of improvement and find my story will eventually be easier to follow.

The best way to improve sentence structure is to read traditionally published fiction. Pay attention to how the authors you read put their ideas together. See how they introduce characters and events. If you’re reading enough, you’ll get the hang of it without even thinking that much about it. You can also study grammar and mechanics the old fashioned way, but art is always made better by other art.

I’d recommend starting with short stories. Because of their form, they tend to be very tightly written and serve as great exemplars for having dense, rich prose. As Jim Butcher says, a novel is like a marathon, but a short story is like a knife fight in a phone booth.

 

[DaoistCat]

Hi everyone, I did not know where should I post my question or request but I also need some reviews or feedback on my novel "The Palace of Memories", I found out that two readers had dropped it, and I want to know where did I go wrong... and if there is anything wrong or any problems with my writing style or story in general... getting nothing no matter what I write or at any website I use is really depressing me!

 

[Callarel_04]

Hi everyone, I did not know where should I post my question or request but I also need some reviews or feedback on my novel "The Palace of Memories", I found out that two readers had dropped it, and I want to know where did I go wrong... and if there is anything wrong or any problems with my writing style or story in general... getting nothing no matter what I write or at any website I use is really depressing me!

You can create your own topic and post a link to your story by using the 'post thread' button on the upper right corner. Make sure you're in the Story Feedback section.