Avarice_Of_The_Seven
Fallen Angel Of Rebellion
- Joined
- Nov 24, 2025
- Messages
- 169
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- 63
Okay, this isn't a new first chapter draft. It's the seventh draft of my first chapter, which I wrote a while ago.
At first, I dismissed it cuz I felt it had too many problems as an isekai story first chapter.
Still, I'm the author, so I don't know what this first chapter will seem like from the point of view of cold readers. So I thought I should ask for feedback on it, just in case.
Before giving your feedback, check out my note at the bottom.
==========================
The bus crawled through the city streets, stopping and starting as people boarded and got off. Most of the passengers sat quietly, half-asleep or staring at their phones, waiting for their stop to come.
It was such an ordinary day, like the start of any other morning. At least, it should’ve been… until the bus got hijacked.
The bus had just stopped briefly, and two men suddenly stormed inside. One of them carried a gun while the other held a long knife too big to belong in the kitchen.
“Don’t move!” The man with the gun pointed it towards the passengers. “Everyone stay where you are. Do exactly what I say!”
For a few moments, everyone was silent. Blankly staring at the man holding a gun. But slowly, the situation began to sink in as loud murmurs replaced the quiet stillness.
All passengers kept staring tensely at the gun pointed in their direction. Everyone sat still, tense and rigid, until someone suddenly stood up. It was a middle-aged man dressed neatly.
“Cut the crap!” he shouted at the hijackers, “D-do you think the world is a jungle or something?! The police won’t let you guys off with just a simple warning! You’ll both rot in prison forever.”
The murmurs of the people grew louder.
“That’s right! These scumbags don’t know what’s good for them!”
“I’m getting late for my meeting, will they take responsibility?!”
“Screw you! I ain’t no pushover, I’m not gonna get scared by such cheap threats.”
“It's not too late,” A confident smile began to spread across the middle-aged man’s face, “If you quietly surrender to the police now, then your sentence won’t be too har-”
BANG!!!
That sound rang loudly through the bus as the middle-aged man’s body fell limply into his seat. Everyone became deathly still and quiet as they stared at the smoke coming out of the hijacker’s gun.
It was then… that their situation finally sank in. A dark, cold feeling began to rise in everyone’s chest as they imagined themselves in the place of that middle-aged man.
‘P-please, someone! Anyone! Get us out of this situation!’ A high school girl trembled violently as she looked at the pool of blood forming slowly below, her breath starting to become uneven.
“Make any more sound, and you’ll end up like that one over there.” The hijacker said with a menacing look on his face.
“And, you know what to do, right?” he said as he turned towards his accomplice. The hijacker holding a knife gave a light nod in return, then disappeared towards the driver’s seat.
The man holding the gun stood silently as he observed all the passengers.
‘W-why are they d-doing this to us?’ The girl desperately tried to calm herself as she gasped for breath. Her body shaking like a leaf caught in cold winds.
She slowly looked around the bus.
Everyone sat motionlessly, some practically frozen. Their faces pale and covered in cold sweat.
A woman desperately covering her baby’s mouth, her face as pale as a sheet, a young boy subtly trying to hide behind the seat as thick tears rolled down his cheeks, an old man clutching his chest desperately, as if having a panic attack.
‘H-huh?’
She noticed something unusual. It was a young man who sat right beside her, his behavior was strange.
He kept staring silently at the terrorist just like the rest. But unlike others, there wasn’t a shred of fear or panic on his face. He just sat calmly, expressionless, as he continued looking at the hijacker. His calm demeanor was such a stark contrast to the tense atmosphere that it even somewhat calmed the girl’s chaotic mind.
After hesitating for a few moments, she addressed the young man in a barely audible whisper.
“Umm… sir?...”
“Daniel,” The young man replied flatly, without even looking her way.
“...what?” the girl tilted her head.
“That’s my name.” The young man said flatly yet again.
“Oh… So, sir Daniel, do you… have a way out of this situation?”
“Not really,” he replied casually.
The girl felt betrayed as she heard that flat answer. Still, a question lingered in her mind.
“Umm, if that’s the case, then why are you so calm… sir Daniel?”
Daniel looked at her briefly and then spoke in a flat, almost bored tone.
“Why would I panic? There’s no reason, really. The hijackers have neither tried to rob us nor tried to harm us. From the start, they only told us to stay where we are. Meaning, they most likely need us as hostages. So as long as we behave like an ideal hostage, then we’re completely safe.”
‘What sort of bullshit is that? Is this person sick in the head?’
“They literally killed a person right in front of us, and you say they’ve never tried to harm us? The hell is wrong with you?” she spoke, barely containing her frustration.
Daniel finally turned towards her, his blank face betraying not even a hint of emotion. The girl felt uncomfortable under the weight of his gaze.
“The hijacker didn’t shoot him just because he wanted to,” he began, “they were making an example out of him to shut everyone up. Control through fear, standard tactics, really. After all, we are most likely a leverage they need. If they lose us, then it would be them who’ll be in danger.”
‘Standard tactics? Of what? Is he… some kind of psycho?’
At this point, the girl was half convinced that this person was mentally ill. She was starting to feel disturbed by him. But then-
“Hey! You two! What are you whispering about there?! I think I told everyone to sit still!” the hijacker shouted, jolting her out of her thoughts.
The cold feeling began to rise once again as her body began to tremble. She couldn’t even look at the hijacker, she only continued to stare at the ground as cold sweat formed on her forehead.
‘Please, let it not be me. Anyone else is fine. The psycho beside me is fine too.’
“You! What the hell are you looking at?” The hijacker’s voice came again.
She slowly raised her head to look and saw the hijacker pointing his gun at Daniel.
Daniel, on the other hand, calmly continued to stare at the Hijacker just as he had been doing.
“Bastard! Did you not hear me?! What the hell are you staring at?!” The hijacker raised his voice. Yet Daniel didn’t react, not even a blink.
Everyone in the bus could feel the tension rising.
Then, suddenly, Daniel calmly opened his mouth.
“What are you so scared of?”
Silence. The bus became deathly silent. Everyone held their breath. The hijacker, too, stared blankly at Daniel with his mouth wide open. As if he was trying to speak, yet no words came out.
At this point, all passengers probably thought the same. That Daniel was a psycho.
“I’ve been observing you for a while now,” Daniel spoke, once again. “Your behavior, your expressions, your speech. You don’t seem like someone who’s doing all this because of a goal. In fact, you don’t look much different from the passengers in my eyes. Someone whose actions are the result of fear. Tell me, what is it that you’re scared of?”
Saying this, Daniel suddenly stood up and took a step towards the hijacker.
“Bastard, quit babbling nonsense and sit back down! One more word, and your head will burst!!” the hijacker shouted as he pointed his gun straight at Daniel’s face.
But for some reason, the hijacker’s eyes were shaking slightly.
Step.
Daniel took another step, still expressionless as he spoke.
“About that, I noticed another thing. It was brief, but your hand trembled violently, and your expression cracked when you shot that man. That… was your first murder, right?”
Step
The shaking in the hijacker’s eyes intensified slightly.
“The way you killed him was strange as well. It was too smooth and well-timed. In fact, this whole bus hijacking was strange, too similar to what I’d seen in movies. Your dialogue, your behavior. Your actions, all of it.”
Step
The shaking in the hijacker’s eyes intensified a lot more. His hands holding the gun began to tremble as his expression cracked slightly.
“To me, you looked less like a real terrorist and more like an actor who was acting as a real terrorist. An actor who had rehearsed his lines and actions beforehand.”
Daniel now stood right in front of the hijacker, staring at him with cold, mechanical eyes.
Slowly, the hijacker’s entire body began to tremble as his face grew paler, his eyes shaking violently. Right now, the hijacker really looked no different than any other passenger.
Suddenly, he broke down in tears and began shouting in Daniel’s direction.
“I-it’s not my fault! I-i did everything perfectly! I made n-no mistake! So, please…”
Daniel quickly snatched the gun from the hijacker’s hand and pointed it at his back, towards the passengers.
BANG!!!
The deafening sound of a gunshot rang loudly through the bus once again. Then, Daniel suddenly fell to his knees, tightly clutching his side as blood began pouring out.
For the first time, his face showed some expression. Changing into one struggling through intense pain.
Then, a man in a long black coat stood up from his seat and came to stand in front of Daniel. The man was carrying a gun in his hand, half hidden inside his long coat.
Crouching down at Daniel’s level, he asked Daniel.
“A detective? Or are you with the police?”
Daniel only stared at the man while clutching his side. The man then grabbed him by the neck and began to choke him as he asked once again.
“Answer. Detective or police?”
“Regular… Employee…” Daniel spoke in a choked voice as the man slightly loosened his grip on Daniel’s neck.
“You don’t look like the heroic type, so why do all this? If you had only remained silent, then both of us could’ve gone our separate ways.”
“I would’ve remained silent… huff… if they really were hijackers. But they… were just normal civilians… huff.” Daniel said, his face slowly beginning to be drained of color, half of his clothes dyed in deep crimson.
“Is that your sense of justice, perhaps? Look where it got you,” the man flashed a mocking grin.
“It was… a logical conclusion. Normal civilians have a very high chance… huff… of breaking down when under extreme stress. He had a gun, so… I couldn’t… huff… really predict what he’ll do when he breaks down. I had to take control of the situation… or else I would’ve had no one to blame… huff… but myself, if I had still died.”
The man in the black coat looked at Daniel’s side, where blood poured out despite Daniel desperately clutching the bullet wound.
Giving Daniel an ambiguous look, he spoke, a bit softly this time.
“Do you feel that it’s unfair? Do you hate me?”
“Not… really…” Daniel replied flatly.
Both continued to stare at each other for a few moments as the man asked once again.
“Aren’t you curious? About why I did all this?”
“I don’t even… huff… know you. Besides… not like it’ll change… huff… anything…”
“You are a weird one,” The man made a strange expression as he pointed his gun at Daniel’s forehead.
BANG!!!
Daniel’s world suddenly turned dark.
=========================
Note: This first chapter draft was experimental. Intended to maximise reader retention by introducing an interesting plot straight from the first chapter.
But this first chapter draft had some major problems, in my opinion.
1) Its biggest problem was that the hijacking had become a mystery, a plot. But I used that plot as a narrative tool to isekai my protagonist, so the readers may feel cheated.
2) It was a bit longer than intended. I intended for it to be around 1.5 k words, but it ended up being 1.9 k, almost 2k words long.
3) The chapter may give a slightly wrong impression about the story.
4) It was too complete as a first chapter, because the first chapter is usually introductory. I felt that this first chapter had too many things happening in it. (I don't know what kind of effect that will have on my novel)
What is your opinion on this chapter? What did you like and not like?
At first, I dismissed it cuz I felt it had too many problems as an isekai story first chapter.
Still, I'm the author, so I don't know what this first chapter will seem like from the point of view of cold readers. So I thought I should ask for feedback on it, just in case.
Before giving your feedback, check out my note at the bottom.
==========================
The bus crawled through the city streets, stopping and starting as people boarded and got off. Most of the passengers sat quietly, half-asleep or staring at their phones, waiting for their stop to come.
It was such an ordinary day, like the start of any other morning. At least, it should’ve been… until the bus got hijacked.
The bus had just stopped briefly, and two men suddenly stormed inside. One of them carried a gun while the other held a long knife too big to belong in the kitchen.
“Don’t move!” The man with the gun pointed it towards the passengers. “Everyone stay where you are. Do exactly what I say!”
For a few moments, everyone was silent. Blankly staring at the man holding a gun. But slowly, the situation began to sink in as loud murmurs replaced the quiet stillness.
All passengers kept staring tensely at the gun pointed in their direction. Everyone sat still, tense and rigid, until someone suddenly stood up. It was a middle-aged man dressed neatly.
“Cut the crap!” he shouted at the hijackers, “D-do you think the world is a jungle or something?! The police won’t let you guys off with just a simple warning! You’ll both rot in prison forever.”
The murmurs of the people grew louder.
“That’s right! These scumbags don’t know what’s good for them!”
“I’m getting late for my meeting, will they take responsibility?!”
“Screw you! I ain’t no pushover, I’m not gonna get scared by such cheap threats.”
“It's not too late,” A confident smile began to spread across the middle-aged man’s face, “If you quietly surrender to the police now, then your sentence won’t be too har-”
BANG!!!
That sound rang loudly through the bus as the middle-aged man’s body fell limply into his seat. Everyone became deathly still and quiet as they stared at the smoke coming out of the hijacker’s gun.
It was then… that their situation finally sank in. A dark, cold feeling began to rise in everyone’s chest as they imagined themselves in the place of that middle-aged man.
‘P-please, someone! Anyone! Get us out of this situation!’ A high school girl trembled violently as she looked at the pool of blood forming slowly below, her breath starting to become uneven.
“Make any more sound, and you’ll end up like that one over there.” The hijacker said with a menacing look on his face.
“And, you know what to do, right?” he said as he turned towards his accomplice. The hijacker holding a knife gave a light nod in return, then disappeared towards the driver’s seat.
The man holding the gun stood silently as he observed all the passengers.
‘W-why are they d-doing this to us?’ The girl desperately tried to calm herself as she gasped for breath. Her body shaking like a leaf caught in cold winds.
She slowly looked around the bus.
Everyone sat motionlessly, some practically frozen. Their faces pale and covered in cold sweat.
A woman desperately covering her baby’s mouth, her face as pale as a sheet, a young boy subtly trying to hide behind the seat as thick tears rolled down his cheeks, an old man clutching his chest desperately, as if having a panic attack.
‘H-huh?’
She noticed something unusual. It was a young man who sat right beside her, his behavior was strange.
He kept staring silently at the terrorist just like the rest. But unlike others, there wasn’t a shred of fear or panic on his face. He just sat calmly, expressionless, as he continued looking at the hijacker. His calm demeanor was such a stark contrast to the tense atmosphere that it even somewhat calmed the girl’s chaotic mind.
After hesitating for a few moments, she addressed the young man in a barely audible whisper.
“Umm… sir?...”
“Daniel,” The young man replied flatly, without even looking her way.
“...what?” the girl tilted her head.
“That’s my name.” The young man said flatly yet again.
“Oh… So, sir Daniel, do you… have a way out of this situation?”
“Not really,” he replied casually.
The girl felt betrayed as she heard that flat answer. Still, a question lingered in her mind.
“Umm, if that’s the case, then why are you so calm… sir Daniel?”
Daniel looked at her briefly and then spoke in a flat, almost bored tone.
“Why would I panic? There’s no reason, really. The hijackers have neither tried to rob us nor tried to harm us. From the start, they only told us to stay where we are. Meaning, they most likely need us as hostages. So as long as we behave like an ideal hostage, then we’re completely safe.”
‘What sort of bullshit is that? Is this person sick in the head?’
“They literally killed a person right in front of us, and you say they’ve never tried to harm us? The hell is wrong with you?” she spoke, barely containing her frustration.
Daniel finally turned towards her, his blank face betraying not even a hint of emotion. The girl felt uncomfortable under the weight of his gaze.
“The hijacker didn’t shoot him just because he wanted to,” he began, “they were making an example out of him to shut everyone up. Control through fear, standard tactics, really. After all, we are most likely a leverage they need. If they lose us, then it would be them who’ll be in danger.”
‘Standard tactics? Of what? Is he… some kind of psycho?’
At this point, the girl was half convinced that this person was mentally ill. She was starting to feel disturbed by him. But then-
“Hey! You two! What are you whispering about there?! I think I told everyone to sit still!” the hijacker shouted, jolting her out of her thoughts.
The cold feeling began to rise once again as her body began to tremble. She couldn’t even look at the hijacker, she only continued to stare at the ground as cold sweat formed on her forehead.
‘Please, let it not be me. Anyone else is fine. The psycho beside me is fine too.’
“You! What the hell are you looking at?” The hijacker’s voice came again.
She slowly raised her head to look and saw the hijacker pointing his gun at Daniel.
Daniel, on the other hand, calmly continued to stare at the Hijacker just as he had been doing.
“Bastard! Did you not hear me?! What the hell are you staring at?!” The hijacker raised his voice. Yet Daniel didn’t react, not even a blink.
Everyone in the bus could feel the tension rising.
Then, suddenly, Daniel calmly opened his mouth.
“What are you so scared of?”
Silence. The bus became deathly silent. Everyone held their breath. The hijacker, too, stared blankly at Daniel with his mouth wide open. As if he was trying to speak, yet no words came out.
At this point, all passengers probably thought the same. That Daniel was a psycho.
“I’ve been observing you for a while now,” Daniel spoke, once again. “Your behavior, your expressions, your speech. You don’t seem like someone who’s doing all this because of a goal. In fact, you don’t look much different from the passengers in my eyes. Someone whose actions are the result of fear. Tell me, what is it that you’re scared of?”
Saying this, Daniel suddenly stood up and took a step towards the hijacker.
“Bastard, quit babbling nonsense and sit back down! One more word, and your head will burst!!” the hijacker shouted as he pointed his gun straight at Daniel’s face.
But for some reason, the hijacker’s eyes were shaking slightly.
Step.
Daniel took another step, still expressionless as he spoke.
“About that, I noticed another thing. It was brief, but your hand trembled violently, and your expression cracked when you shot that man. That… was your first murder, right?”
Step
The shaking in the hijacker’s eyes intensified slightly.
“The way you killed him was strange as well. It was too smooth and well-timed. In fact, this whole bus hijacking was strange, too similar to what I’d seen in movies. Your dialogue, your behavior. Your actions, all of it.”
Step
The shaking in the hijacker’s eyes intensified a lot more. His hands holding the gun began to tremble as his expression cracked slightly.
“To me, you looked less like a real terrorist and more like an actor who was acting as a real terrorist. An actor who had rehearsed his lines and actions beforehand.”
Daniel now stood right in front of the hijacker, staring at him with cold, mechanical eyes.
Slowly, the hijacker’s entire body began to tremble as his face grew paler, his eyes shaking violently. Right now, the hijacker really looked no different than any other passenger.
Suddenly, he broke down in tears and began shouting in Daniel’s direction.
“I-it’s not my fault! I-i did everything perfectly! I made n-no mistake! So, please…”
Daniel quickly snatched the gun from the hijacker’s hand and pointed it at his back, towards the passengers.
BANG!!!
The deafening sound of a gunshot rang loudly through the bus once again. Then, Daniel suddenly fell to his knees, tightly clutching his side as blood began pouring out.
For the first time, his face showed some expression. Changing into one struggling through intense pain.
Then, a man in a long black coat stood up from his seat and came to stand in front of Daniel. The man was carrying a gun in his hand, half hidden inside his long coat.
Crouching down at Daniel’s level, he asked Daniel.
“A detective? Or are you with the police?”
Daniel only stared at the man while clutching his side. The man then grabbed him by the neck and began to choke him as he asked once again.
“Answer. Detective or police?”
“Regular… Employee…” Daniel spoke in a choked voice as the man slightly loosened his grip on Daniel’s neck.
“You don’t look like the heroic type, so why do all this? If you had only remained silent, then both of us could’ve gone our separate ways.”
“I would’ve remained silent… huff… if they really were hijackers. But they… were just normal civilians… huff.” Daniel said, his face slowly beginning to be drained of color, half of his clothes dyed in deep crimson.
“Is that your sense of justice, perhaps? Look where it got you,” the man flashed a mocking grin.
“It was… a logical conclusion. Normal civilians have a very high chance… huff… of breaking down when under extreme stress. He had a gun, so… I couldn’t… huff… really predict what he’ll do when he breaks down. I had to take control of the situation… or else I would’ve had no one to blame… huff… but myself, if I had still died.”
The man in the black coat looked at Daniel’s side, where blood poured out despite Daniel desperately clutching the bullet wound.
Giving Daniel an ambiguous look, he spoke, a bit softly this time.
“Do you feel that it’s unfair? Do you hate me?”
“Not… really…” Daniel replied flatly.
Both continued to stare at each other for a few moments as the man asked once again.
“Aren’t you curious? About why I did all this?”
“I don’t even… huff… know you. Besides… not like it’ll change… huff… anything…”
“You are a weird one,” The man made a strange expression as he pointed his gun at Daniel’s forehead.
BANG!!!
Daniel’s world suddenly turned dark.
=========================
Note: This first chapter draft was experimental. Intended to maximise reader retention by introducing an interesting plot straight from the first chapter.
But this first chapter draft had some major problems, in my opinion.
1) Its biggest problem was that the hijacking had become a mystery, a plot. But I used that plot as a narrative tool to isekai my protagonist, so the readers may feel cheated.
2) It was a bit longer than intended. I intended for it to be around 1.5 k words, but it ended up being 1.9 k, almost 2k words long.
3) The chapter may give a slightly wrong impression about the story.
4) It was too complete as a first chapter, because the first chapter is usually introductory. I felt that this first chapter had too many things happening in it. (I don't know what kind of effect that will have on my novel)
What is your opinion on this chapter? What did you like and not like?
