What do you think of this fight scene opening?

[MFontana]

As the thread title implies, I'd like to get some feedback on this opening to the fight sequence in The Elarian Chronicles, Chapter 2.2.
So yes, this is both a sneak peek at the upcoming chapter release, and a quick chance to give some feedback before the chapter gets published / released this weekend.
What I've included here is NOT the full fight sequence, and it is not intended to be, but it should be enough to let readers get to the heart of any technical issues that may crop up so I can try to adjust them before release.
Normally I'd have a week to review before the deadline for release, but with the bout of the flu I had earlier this month, I've effectively lost that week, and have to trust the review process in part to all of you 'beta readers' here.

The genre is LitRPG/Isekai basis - Dark-Fantasy / Gothic Fantasy themes and undertones, for anyone who isn't familiar, with minimalist game mechanics [stat blocks] and integrated mechanics in narrative and description.

NOTE: The scene below opens immediately on the closing of Chapter 2.1 for scene context. If you'd like the full context of everything leading up to this moment you can read what is publicly available in my story The Elarian Chronicles, Volume 1: Duskfall, here: The Elarian Chronicles - Series
Chapter 2.2 releases this weekend in-full, so this IS a time-sensitive thread. - Please be aware that the paragraph indents were not carried over, even with the manually inserted spaces, and that will be fixed in the final release.

Spoiler: Fight Sequence Opener

Ever curious, she stepped out from behind him, and climbed higher on the hill beside them to get a better view, and that was when she saw them clearly, cresting on their own ascent. Six large, muscular, sickly-green skinned humanoids garbed in furs and pelts, all armed with crude-looking, but fierce weapons. Warriors, all of them.

"Umm… Lucius… Over there. What're they?" She asked, pointing toward the approaching Ork patrol. Both Bel, and Lucius, followed Morrigan's gesture and they too soon spotted the patrol on their unrelenting approach.

"Shit! Orks." He exclaimed, quickly scanning the horizon as he rushed over to Morrigan's side, eager to be sure that they had claimed the high-ground here. "No time." He murmured to himself under his breath, hand tightening around the shaft of his staff.

"What do we do? Run?" Morrigan asked while focusing on the nearest Ork to check its status. A habit that Lucius had instilled in her when she first started playing the game.

Name: Ork Warrior
Class: Berserker Level: 40 - Rank: Silver

"They're level forty Lu… I can't fight them." She finished while frantically quick-stepping to get behind the two of them as her eyes widened with the growing fear of what was about to befall them.

Without wasting a moment's breath, Lucius though had already scanned them all as well, and steeled himself for the fight ahead.

"Bel, we need you to tank them." He started a plan already taking shape in his mind on how to handle the predicament. "They're all physical-attackers as far as I can tell, and your specialty. Right?"

No sooner had he said that, Bel was already stepping forward, a deep lavender aura emanating from her lithe form as she stood firm before them. A soft light that enveloped her, rising from her body like wisps of flame.

"Yeah. I've got this. But to be fair, I can't hold out forever." Came the answer as she pulled her trusty daggers, both wickedly curved from their sheaths at her hips.

"It doesn't have to be forever. Just until reinforcements arrive. I've already called some friends. They'll be here soon enough." He answered and with a nod, she rushed down the hillside and began her own ascent up their side of the hill the orks now occupied.

The Orks didn't just wait at the high-ground for her, and instead rushed forward to meet the lone challenger, all save one who remained hidden from view initially, and remained on the hilltop.

"Morrigan, get your spirits summoned. This is no different than any other fight you've had against the goblins and other critters south of the wall."

"But…" She started, looking over to him, only to find his gaze cast steadily on the orks ahead. "They won't be able to do much…"

"Just do your best. It's all any of us can do, Morrigan." He answered, turning briefly back toward her to offer a reassuring smile. "Alone you may not be able to do much, but you're not alone. We can do this. Together."

His confidence, certainty even, in their inevitable success did much to bolster her own resolve, a sigh slipping free before she too steeled herself in an effort to match his own.

Her hand drifted to one of the bone totems, which resembled a polished lizard's skull, that hung at her belt. Her own aura, a pale indigo light, flaring to life as she began channeling mana into the totem to call forth from beyond the veil, a trio of spirits.

Up from the ground around her, the spirits rose. Legless, misshapen humanoid figures of a deep translucent turquoise with long spindly arms and though held in place at her side by the spectral chains that hung from their ghostly bodies. The spirits, Anger, Hatred, and Suffering they were called, immediately began their attack the moment the Orks met Bel at the base of the hill she stood upon.

Through it all, Lucius hung back, hand to one ear, as he kept careful watch over their statuses. Calling for help, she realized, but didn't have the time to get a breath of relief as Bel exploded into motion at the base of the hill.

Her own signature technique, Dance of Shadows, flashed under her status menu in Morrigan's own focus, before her being followed by another martial technique. Arterial Strike. The name flashed for barely a fraction of a second under her status as that first dagger strike bit deep into one of the ork's forearms, leaving a profusely bleeding wound.

Watching in horror as one of the Orks moved behind her and swung its massive axe at Bel's exposed back. A desperate shriek erupted from Morrigan's lips only for her to watch as the axe struck naught but air, or more precisely a shadowy mist, as Bel had vanished in the blink of an eye, only to reappear behind the Ork that had tried to strike her, as if springing forth from its shadow to launch an attack of her own.

Her dagger dug in deep to the Ork's muscled back as his brethren scrambled to surround her once more amidst the barrage of deep indigo orbs the spirits continued flinging at the Orks.

The process repeated, and yet they weren't making any real progress despite the consistent pressure Bel was placing on the orks, for their wounds too were gradually knitting closed. The obvious mark of a healer among their group, but she couldn't focus on that right now.

Pointing his own staff in the direction of the group, held firm in his left hand, Lucius too joined the fray. Opening with his own favorite, almost signature, spell Shadow Binding.

Tendrils of writing shadow-ichor erupted from the ground and caught the majority of the orks in their grasp, slowing their movements significantly, but not halting them fully, and every strike Bel unleashed on one of the bound foes sent a pulse of dark energy through the tendrils and into the bound ork that seared its flesh.

The desperate struggle for Bel, was keeping the six orks from pinning her down, and while her Dance of Shadows stance was definitely helping, the weight of the blows that she was forced to parry still sent shockwaves of pain rippling up through her arms.

She was still taking damage, she realized. Every parry. Every heavy strike that just barely glanced off her armor. Every blow that just nearly graced her graceful figure. She felt it all, and pushed through it. Through the pain.

Because she had to.

Or they were all going to die.

In that instant of realization, she hesitated. Briefly. For only a half-second at most, but the Orks didn't. They tried to capitalize on the opening she had afforded them, and had managed to surround her.

As one, their six blades closed in. Axes, swords, and a single spear among them. All eager to be the one to claim her life.

The first of the six, a heavy-bladed axe, she managed to side-step just barely, but in doing so slipped right into the striking range of the incoming sword from her back.

One that struck and glanced off a shimmering field of azure light that sprung into existence between them while Lucius maintained his casting posture. Aura Shielding. That strike was halted in full by his spell, yet the next, another axe blow, hit and shattered the shield he had cast only to leave a grazing wound on her shoulder.

The fourth, a swift thrust from one of the Ork's swords aimed for her midsection was cross-parried low by her daggers and left a shallow gash on her exposed abdomen. Next was the spear that snuck through the group, and her defenses, to dig deep into her abdomen. Its bite igniting her nerves in a searing pain that nearly had her doubling over, exposed to that final axe strike, one set to cleave her head from her shoulders.

Excepting that a golden light surrounded her in the moment before the axe could bite, and as it struck, she felt only a soothing warmth filling her body as her wounds had healed themselves.

Rejuvenating Shield. Another of Lucius' favored spells. A potent protective spell to both shield and heal its enchanted subject for its fleeting duration. Combined with Aura Shielding, one of his regularly maintained enchantment spells, Bel had been able to survive the onslaught long enough to reactivate her stance, Dance of Shadows once more.

 

[Eldoria]

Well, initially I could visualize the threat of the orcs (or orks) at the beginning of the scene. However, when entering the battle, I lost focus and tension. Some points to note why I felt this way:

(1) The visualization at the beginning of the scene is good. However, the narrative does not provide enough space for the distance between the protagonist and the enemy.

As a result, I only imagine the spatial distance abstractly. So, tension can be lost... when your narrative does not provide the reader with a breathing point: when the reader feels the threat approaching, when the reader feels the tension will increase and when the reader will feel the tension will peak.

The solution? You can show the spatial distance of the approaching threat.

For example, by showing the threat on the eastern horizon approaching. Then followed by the thundering sound of enemy footsteps every time the spatial distance approaches the protagonist.

You can provide clues about the spatial distance either measurably (e.g. feet, meters, etc.) or metaphorically (e.g. green troops are seen on the eastern horizon at sunrise). In this way, the reader can imagine the tension building organically before the final battle breaks out.

(2) The tension of visual is still more dominant than other sensory sensations (such as sound, taste, touch, body physiology, inner, etc).

If you want to increase the tension, other sensory sensations might make the narrative more immersive. Such as onomatopoeic sounds (e.g., footsteps "Dum... dum..."), the protagonist's physiological state (such as sweat, trembling, etc.), the protagonist's mental state (such as anxiety and the character's inner voice).

(3) I lose immersion when the fight breaks out because the POV becomes confused. It's hard to tell which character is fighting which. So my imagination becomes blurry. The solution?

Focus on one character in each scene. Show how a particular character fights against their enemy and the consequences they experience. If you want to move to a scene of another character fighting, provide a transition space to make the reader ready to switch between fights.

(4) Finally, fights are difficult to visualize because of point number 2. You can narrate a more cinematic fight to imagine. You might be able to narrate each fight scene cinematically with the following order:

Action -> reaction -> effect.

For example, if an ork hits with a stick (action), then the protagonist will parry with a sword or maybe get hit (reaction). So this fight makes swords clang or the protagonist's stomach bruised (effect). With this cinematic narrative, readers can imagine the battle and feel the tension of the battle.

Critical Note:
I always position myself as a causal reader with limited attention when reading narratives to gauge immersion. I only read them once and did not reread them. Therefore, some details may be missed and my judgment may be biased.

 

[DismaiNaim]

This is littered with typos: misspelled words, wrong words, poor comma usage along with other punctuation. That's minor and easily fixed.

I don't have a good sense of the layout. I think there's only two protagonists, Bel and Lacius, and six orcs, and each party is on a hill, then they both go to the bottom of the hill to fight? But that's all I see. Is it hot or cold? Sunny? Early twilight? Are they in a grassy area or a desert? There's no indication of the environment. Surely, some environments ought to provide bonuses/penalties for certain attack, no? Moreover, it's hard to get into what's going on.

In general you're scant on sensory details. You depend heavily on telling the audience "this happens, then that happens" but I can't see any of it.

However, twice you reference Bel's physique, and she's the only MC you give any real description for, and it's kinda weird in this context. This hints of "men-writing-women," which might not matter depending on your target audience.

You have a glaring emotional inconsistency. She's scared, nervous, doesn't feel confident about facing 6x lvl 40 orcs, then goes charging down the hill at them, then she's even more skittish about the fight.

As for the fight choreography, you have moments where it's decent. The surrounding, the inference that there's a healer among them, that's solid, but for a lot of it I can't make heads or tails what's going on. There's a point where I think you forget she's supposed to have a dagger in each hand and then she has something else (?)

I'm also befuddled by all the different spells and stuff, but that could also be lack of context from the previous chapters.

 

[MFontana]

This is littered with typos: misspelled words, wrong words, poor comma usage along with other punctuation. That's minor and easily fixed.

I don't have a good sense of the layout. I think there's only two protagonists, Bel and Lacius, and six orcs, and each party is on a hill, then they both go to the bottom of the hill to fight? But that's all I see. Is it hot or cold? Sunny? Early twilight? Are they in a grassy area or a desert? There's no indication of the environment. Surely, some environments ought to provide bonuses/penalties for certain attack, no? Moreover, it's hard to get into what's going on.

In general you're scant on sensory details. You depend heavily on telling the audience "this happens, then that happens" but I can't see any of it.

However, twice you reference Bel's physique, and she's the only MC you give any real description for, and it's kinda weird in this context. This hints of "men-writing-women," which might not matter depending on your target audience.

You have a glaring emotional inconsistency. She's scared, nervous, doesn't feel confident about facing 6x lvl 40 orcs, then goes charging down the hill at them, then she's even more skittish about the fight.

As for the fight choreography, you have moments where it's decent. The surrounding, the inference that there's a healer among them, that's solid, but for a lot of it I can't make heads or tails what's going on. There's a point where I think you forget she's supposed to have a dagger in each hand and then she has something else (?)

I'm also befuddled by all the different spells and stuff, but that could also be lack of context from the previous chapters.

There are three characters in the party, which may be a main source of confusion for you here about the emotional states of the characters.
1) Bel'yshra (aka Bel) - Confident, Sassy, Rogue (Assassin Build) - Uses daggers. She's the one who's tanking the group (in the opening beats) and doing the fighting on the frontlines.
2) Morrigan Flamecrest (Morrigan) - Nervous and Uncertain in the opening. Shaman class and amateur of the group, she's level 19 by comparison to the others. Uses a wand, and has her totems for her summons. (She's the one who's hanging back on the hilltop, and is the primary PoV character during the opening, and was the one who spotted the Orks and pointed them out).
3) Lucius Argentius (Lucius) - Ruthless, Cunning, and Confident party strategist and support mage (buffs and debuffs).

There are seven Orks in total, one was hidden from view by the six in front, and revealed when those initial six charged and that one stayed back.
The choreography and action sequences were the biggest concern of mine here, so I appreciate the comments on that bit, as well as the rest of the feedback.
As for the scenery, that is contextual and revealed earlier in the chapter (Chapter 2.1) prior to the fight starting.

And on this bit specifically:

However, twice you reference Bel's physique, and she's the only MC you give any real description for, and it's kinda weird in this context. This hints of "men-writing-women," which might not matter depending on your target audience.

Well... Seeing as how I am a man, and Bel is an attractive female character, whom I am writing, the assessment would be entirely accurate and factual regardless of intent or target audience, but thank you for pointing it out all the same. The references are still repetitive, and could use a fair bit of polish and tightening all the same to make it more seamless, and integrate it better into the fight itself.

Well, initially I could visualize the threat of the orcs (or orks) at the beginning of the scene. However, when entering the battle, I lost focus and tension. Some points to note why I felt this way:

(1) The visualization at the beginning of the scene is good. However, the narrative does not provide enough space for the distance between the protagonist and the enemy.

As a result, I only imagine the spatial distance abstractly. So, tension can be lost... when your narrative does not provide the reader with a breathing point: when the reader feels the threat approaching, when the reader feels the tension will increase and when the reader will feel the tension will peak.

The solution? You can show the spatial distance of the approaching threat.

For example, by showing the threat on the eastern horizon approaching. Then followed by the thundering sound of enemy footsteps every time the spatial distance approaches the protagonist.

You can provide clues about the spatial distance either measurably (e.g. feet, meters, etc.) or metaphorically (e.g. green troops are seen on the eastern horizon at sunrise). In this way, the reader can imagine the tension building organically before the final battle breaks out.

(2) The tension of visual is still more dominant than other sensory sensations (such as sound, taste, touch, body physiology, inner, etc).

If you want to increase the tension, other sensory sensations might make the narrative more immersive. Such as onomatopoeic sounds (e.g., footsteps "Dum... dum..."), the protagonist's physiological state (such as sweat, trembling, etc.), the protagonist's mental state (such as anxiety and the character's inner voice).

(3) I lose immersion when the fight breaks out because the POV becomes confused. It's hard to tell which character is fighting which. So my imagination becomes blurry. The solution?

Focus on one character in each scene. Show how a particular character fights against their enemy and the consequences they experience. If you want to move to a scene of another character fighting, provide a transition space to make the reader ready to switch between fights.

(4) Finally, fights are difficult to visualize because of point number 2. You can narrate a more cinematic fight to imagine. You might be able to narrate each fight scene cinematically with the following order:



For example, if an ork hits with a stick (action), then the protagonist will parry with a sword or maybe get hit (reaction). So this fight makes swords clang or the protagonist's stomach bruised (effect). With this cinematic narrative, readers can imagine the battle and feel the tension of the battle.

Critical Note:
I always position myself as a causal reader with limited attention when reading narratives to gauge immersion. I only read them once and did not reread them. Therefore, some details may be missed and my judgment may be biased.

This is some wonderful feedback (as always) El. Thank you, and I can certainly dive deeper into all of that when I go back over the fight later/tomorrow.
The visuals are intended to be dominant for the sequence and I limited the rest of the sensory detail to maintain a more rapid pace throughout the fight itself, I could definitely slow things down to allow for some deeper sensory beats to sneak their way into the scene (given how I do love being detailed, almost too much sometimes) and the PoV while primarily centered on Morrigan as an observer, does lean into a subtle turn-based structure that follows the "active-turn" character's actions within the fast-paced, chaotic, sequence of a real fight, but could definitely expand with more of her own internal thoughts and feelings, like those that populated the earlier half of the chapter. (Chapter 2.1, for reference) and clarity on "whose turn" it happens to be.

Fight scenes aren't really my strong point, so I'm grateful for the input, tips, and feedback.
Thank you both, and Goodnight

 

[DismaiNaim]

Fight scenes aren't really my strong point, so I'm grateful for the input, tips, and feedback.

Thirteen years ago I received advice on writing erotica, and I have found it useful for writing fights as well.

Basically, you want to focus on action -> response. Action -> response.

Bob punches Bill in the face. Bill turns to the side and answers with a right hook. Bob blocks that and kicks Bill in the nuts. Bill, being a eunuch, laughed that off and shoved a fist into Bob's chest to rip his heart out Indiana Jones style. But Bob was heartless and smacked Bill upside the head with a baseball bat, splattering Bill's brains all over the sidewalk. Bill, having lost his mind, fired a Redeemer and nuked them both along with the 7-11 across the street. And the crowd around them kept recording with their phones. Bob's fried, mutant self came at Bill with a shovel...

Maybe you get the idea.

My second point is context & setting. As much as I hate to say this out loud, some of the best fight writers work for pro wrestling. Look at how they hype everything. Before every big fight:

Establish backstory—who's friends with who, which one got the other guy's cat pregnant, so-and-so donated blood to save dude's life when his face was smashed into a million pieces (who jumped in to save his life in the 5th round). That guy is the unstoppable villain who will destroy the world, etc etc.

Also: this dude is 31 years old, 6'10" weighs 359 Lbs and has a 3" penis. He's the ten-time consecutive undefeated undisputed heavyweight champion of the world, and has six likes on Facebook. And in this corner we have Stan.

Don't be afraid to hype it up a bit, lay out the stakes. And if you have one of those characters, go a little C3PO [the odds of surviving a direct assault on a star destroyer are...]