Can someone review my story (don't hold back)

[FoxyXop]

I am new writer , I particularly don't know if the way I am writing is correct , I didn't learn it , just used chatgpt to know a normal LN format and tried to emitate it , I welcome all critcism , I don't have anyone I know who would read it so I would be really happy if someone could help me out
https://www.scribblehub.com/series/2095730/demonic-angel--the-hope-of-the-unwanted/

 

[Envylope]

You should link it.

 

[FoxyXop]

You should link it.

okay ., thxs

 

[Zexusgo]

I think you are too new to it. Well, first of all start reading good webnovels like SS, LOTM, ORV and all that, you have a very amateur way to write right now you use. "We see" and "flashback comes of his father and mother where his father says" that's like telling a act or something just go like "he sighs and thinks back to day where it all went downhill". I think it could be said to be basic story telling thing show don't tell.

 

[FoxyXop]

I think you are too new to it. Well, first of all start reading good webnovels like SS, LOTM, ORV and all that, you have a very amateur way to write right now you use. "We see" and "flashback comes of his father and mother where his father says" that's like telling a act or something just go like "he sighs and thinks back to day where it all went downhill". I think it could be said to be basic story telling thing show don't tell.

Thanks I'll try to follow the advice

I think you are too new to it. Well, first of all start reading good webnovels like SS, LOTM, ORV and all that, you have a very amateur way to write right now you use. "We see" and "flashback comes of his father and mother where his father says" that's like telling a act or something just go like "he sighs and thinks back to day where it all went downhill". I think it could be said to be basic story telling thing show don't tell.

I made some changes, how is it now?

 

[Zexusgo]

"As the sun settles in the dim lights of evening , we see a fourteen year old boy wearing black pajamas and a dark blue hoodie , Tatami Toriyama , walking on the side walk sighing as a memory of his father and mother flashes , and his father speaking in a sweet tone"
Better. But there is still "we" you could go like. "A fourteen-year-old boy wearing black pajamas and a dark blue hoodie." Much cleaner and less awkward.

 

[FoxyXop]

"As the sun settles in the dim lights of evening , we see a fourteen year old boy wearing black pajamas and a dark blue hoodie , Tatami Toriyama , walking on the side walk sighing as a memory of his father and mother flashes , and his father speaking in a sweet tone"
Better. But there is still "we" you could go like. "A fourteen-year-old boy wearing black pajamas and a dark blue hoodie." Much cleaner and less awkward.

i changed it , is it better?

 

[Zexusgo]

Yes sir much better.

 

[FoxyXop]

Yes sir much better.

Thanks , any other thing you feel isn't good?

 

[Zexusgo]

There are many things, so I would advise you to read and write as much as possible so you would get a feel for what is right and all that.

 

[FoxyXop]

There are many things, so I would advise you to read and write as much as possible so you would get a feel for what is right and all that.

Thanks for the advice , also you are the first one to properly rate my work and I appriciate it alot

 

[FRWriter]

Sorry, totally unreadable in my opinion.
You need to study basic grammar, maybe download a tool like Grammarly. You comma's are consistently wrong, even in your messages here.
You do not leave a blank and write: *WORD , WORD* You need to put your comma directly after the first word.
You do not use dots to finish sentences. Sometimes you use like 6 or 7 dots just to end a sentence, making it appear totally stupid.
You use italics for dialogue? Just why...? Also, you always begin a new paragraph.
Your narration is extremely basic: Tatami Replies, Amy Replies.
Sometimes you use small letters for a name, sometimes you do it correctly.
Your use of bold to highlight parts is annoyingly simplistic.
Dozens of typos, obviously, you didn't even proofread your story properly.
Simple grammatical mistakes like using ie instead of an y.

Overall, this does not prove your bad grammar. It proves something even worse, something I personally find really disqualifying. A lack of effort and passion in writing. If you love something, you engage with it, study it, and research it.

You do not read yourself. If you had only read like 5 or 10 stories, even on this site, you would know how properly construct and build a story. Spelling Errors are quite easy to fix—a lack of effort and thought are deadly to any author.

As someone who refuses to read other works, it's also a little arrogant to demand feedback from others.

Aside from a few crazy mistakes, I estimate that you made at least a hundred mistakes. I think something like Grammarly would really help you out. It consistently corrects around 95 to 99% of all your mistakes, and the final product should be pretty clean.

Still, as someone who still sucks at writing even after over a year of daily writing, I know how hard it can be, and I am always trying to help out new authors, so I have a total of two suggestions.

1. Download Grammarly... YOU NEED IT.
2. Read, read, read, read, read, read, and don't focus only on the content, but also on the technical aspects.

In my opinion, you should read for at least a few months and study what you are reading before continuing to write on your own. Also, do not mindlessly zoom out and focus only on the story. Really analyse the sentences.

 

[Zexusgo]

How do I add my book in like my profile?

 

[FoxyXop]

Sorry, totally unreadable in my opinion.
You need to study basic grammar, maybe download a tool like Grammarly. You comma's are consistently wrong, even in your messages here.
You do not leave a blank and write: *WORD , WORD* You need to put your comma directly after the first word.
You do not use dots to finish sentences. Sometimes you use like 6 or 7 dots just to end a sentence, making it appear totally stupid.
You use italics for dialogue? Just why...? Also, you always begin a new paragraph.
Your narration is extremely basic: Tatami Replies, Amy Replies.
Sometimes you use small letters for a name, sometimes you do it correctly.
Your use of bold to highlight parts is annoyingly simplistic.
Dozens of typos, obviously, you didn't even proofread your story properly.
Simple grammatical mistakes like using ie instead of an y.

Overall, this does not prove your bad grammar. It proves something even worse, something I personally find really disqualifying. A lack of effort and passion in writing. If you love something, you engage with it, study it, and research it.

You do not read yourself. If you had only read like 5 or 10 stories, even on this site, you would know how properly construct and build a story. Spelling Errors are quite easy to fix—a lack of effort and thought are deadly to any author.

As someone who refuses to read other works, it's also a little arrogant to demand feedback from others.

Aside from a few crazy mistakes, I estimate that you made at least a hundred mistakes. I think something like Grammarly would really help you out. It consistently corrects around 95 to 99% of all your mistakes, and the final product should be pretty clean.

Still, as someone who still sucks at writing even after over a year of daily writing, I know how hard it can be, and I am always trying to help out new authors, so I have a total of two suggestions.

1. Download Grammarly... YOU NEED IT.
2. Read, read, read, read, read, read, and don't focus only on the content, but also on the technical aspects.

In my opinion, you should read for at least a few months and study what you are reading before continuing to write on your own. Also, do not mindlessly zoom out and focus only on the story. Really analyse the sentences.

I installed Grammarly as you described, and am using 6 or 7 to end a sentence to show suspense or silence, and I am using italic for dialogue to make them easy to distinguish from the other parts, and I am working on the' she says, he thinks' problem, and I bold only words that would catch a persons a eye and continue to grasp their interest and i change paragraph to make space between dialogue and making it easier to read, could you also suggest some begginer friendly webnovel/light novel to start and I didn't refuse to read others work, I just don't know people who could tell me what to read, I even asked my english teacher to read my story but he didnt read it either and overall thanks for the in depth review, As an 15 year-old its really hard for me to know what am I doing wrong, I appreciate you helping out

 

[Fairemont]

Writing is about studying and practice. FRWriter gave a lot of good suggestions and feedback in a blunt manner, but it is worth taking to heart.

Grab some useful tools like grammarly, maybe a book on grammar if you dont already have one, and study up.

If you do these things then in a year or two itll result in significant progress.

 

[FoxyXop]

Writing is about studying and practice. FRWriter gave a lot of good suggestions and feedback in a blunt manner, but it is worth taking to heart.

Grab some useful tools like grammarly, maybe a book on grammar if you dont already have one, and study up.

If you do these things then in a year or two itll result in significant progress.

Yes I know, his words may sound bad, but he isn't lying. I have already installed Grammarly on my laptop and I am just looking for a beginner friendly webnovel/LN . I tried the lord of mysteries but a bit too complicated, I just need something with a simpler story but good writing, I would really appreciate if someone could suggest me one. No one I know is in novels I am like an exception.

 

[CountVanBadger]

I bold only words that would catch a persons a eye and continue to grasp their interest

If you have to play with fonts to grab people's interest, then you just admitted that your story isn't entertaining enough to be worth reading.

 

[Rachel_Leia_Cole]

Practice practice practice. Read a lot, so you can get a feel for sentence structure and pacing. Get a thesaurus, or look one up online, and replace any commonly repeated words. I am an old school writer, (or just plain old ?) and remember reading a paperback thesaurus for ideas. But the best thing you can do is keep writing. It can be easy to get disillusioned, but if it’s something you are truly passionate about, keep at it :)

 

[JayMark]

You didn't use AI.
You are struggling to learn yourself.
And for that you deserve praise.
Keep improving.

 

[winterecho]

I'm reading