Looking for extremely harsh feedback (Or just writing tips)

[Tarrow]

I don't have a lot of friends who read and I personally find it really hard to review my own works. I keep all of my old chapters saved in separate places and when I compare them I do see steps of improvement. However, lately I've hit a bit of a barrier and finally decided to push myself to upload it publicly rather than just sitting on the chapters and telling myself I'll do it another time. If anyone wants to critique me, I would really appreciate it (Link should be in the spoiler as my signature, I'm 90% sure it works), I'm looking for feedback on: grammar, structure, dialogue, pretty much every aspect of my writing. I just want to improve. ^^

Alternatively, if you don't want to, what are some of your tips you would give to other authors trying to review/critique their own works?

Edit: Didn't know that mobile browser couldn't see signatures, here is the story link - https://www.scribblehub.com/series/2035984/godbound-souls/

 

[empalgepuk]

Where is the story link? You have to post that when requesting reviews.

Because you can't see signatures in a mobile browser.

 

[Tarrow]

Where is the story link? You have to post that when requesting reviews.

Because you can't see signatures in a mobile browser.

I'm new to forums, didn't know mobile couldn't see, thank you for telling me ^^

Edited my post to include it

 

[Makimaam]

First of all, the chapter starts strong. Death’s motivation is clear. He comes across as unlikeable, but he has urgency and he is still someone I would want to follow.

Her tongue had dug its way into his throat and deeper, exploring his intestines like a worm exploring a tight cave. He was choking, suffocating, growing weaker, losing.

There is a specific moment where the succubus forces her tongue into his throat that is unsettling in the best way. I went in blind, having not read the synopsis so the shock worked very well for me.

She took everything from him in that moment.

His powers. His conquest. His war. His waiting… all of it was pointless. He didn’t even have the energy to form a thought.

She dismounted him with a giggle, thanking him for being stupid enough to give his trust to a demon.

Then the door swung open.

I feel this moment of despair needs more weight. As written, it reads more like a report of loss than the experience of devastation itself.

Moving on…

The momentum drops in the 2nd half after he wakes up. The internal thought about the “pink-nippled demon” almost made me laugh which broke the tone. The sexual imagery pushes him into a more childish manner than the story seems to intend. If that is deliberate, then fair enough, but it currently reads as tonal slippage.

The dialogue with Snow also begins to loop. The wish system itself is interesting, but it is buried under long winded over explanations. Both characters tend to say exactly what they mean and why, which, imo, is unnatural.

Trim the dialogue, let Death think more and speak less, unless verbosity is a deliberate part of his personality.

Overall, there is potential, but the chapter delays its own hook by circling repetitive dialogue and Snow’s thirst (I skipped a few chapters ahead and she sounds more like a lecherous old man than a woman). Since these mcs are now travelling together, there will be plenty of space to explore their dynamic later.

 

[Tarrow]

First of all, the chapter starts strong. Death’s motivation is clear. He comes across as unlikeable, but he has urgency and he is still someone I would want to follow.


There is a specific moment where the succubus forces her tongue into his throat that is unsettling in the best way. I went in blind, having not read the synopsis so the shock worked very well for me.



I feel this moment of despair needs more weight. As written, it reads more like a report of loss than the experience of devastation itself.

Moving on…

The momentum drops in the 2nd half after he wakes up. The internal thought about the “pink-nippled demon” almost made me laugh which broke the tone. The sexual imagery pushes him into a more childish manner than the story seems to intend. If that is deliberate, then fair enough, but it currently reads as tonal slippage.

The dialogue with Snow also begins to loop. The wish system itself is interesting, but it is buried under long winded over explanations. Both characters tend to say exactly what they mean and why, which, imo, is unnatural.

Trim the dialogue, let Death think more and speak less, unless verbosity is a deliberate part of his personality.

Overall, there is potential, but the chapter delays its own hook by circling repetitive dialogue and Snow’s thirst (I skipped a few chapters ahead and she sounds more like a lecherous old man than a woman). Since these mcs are now travelling together, there will be plenty of space to explore their dynamic later.

Thanks for the critique! I plan to do a lot of editing to the current chapters in my spare time so I will take the "trim the dialogue" on board while I am editing, I'll keep it in mind ^^

 

[Racosharko]

I'm new to forums,

Still, A+ for putting it in the right subforum.

 

[K_Nishi]

I can understand what you’re trying to convey, but I struggled to visualize anything from the opening line.