Could someone do a review swap or read my new story
The taken path to fantasy
It is a fantasy, isekai story and anyone who love this plz review it and what I can do better as this my first fantasy
Every five hundred years, a kingdom on the brink of collapse summons heroes from another world. This time, it wasn’t desperation. It was tradition. Seven ordinary students are taken from their everyday lives and brought to Platinor, a land ruled by kingdoms, war, and a powerful Church that...
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Well, I'll be honest. It's worth noting that I'm just a passing reader. So, I'll just share what I understand from reading the prologue and chapter one once.
First, a quick comment: I'm not impressed. The prologue itself presents an epic fantasy with a long war history as an introduction.
However, this prologue is more like a lore infodump. Providing lore in the prologue might make some readers skip it. Why?
Because readers don't really care about your fiction. Readers are just looking for what they want to fulfill their affectionate needs. If you want to engage your readers, then you should provide an emotional prologue that connects with them.
In this context, you can choose a character-driven approach instead of a world-building-driven approach. Start by explaining who the MC is, what the MC experiences, and why your MC journey is worth following. Make the reader care about your MC, not your fantasy world. You can tell or show the lore or worldbuilding gradually afterward.
Second, continuing the first point, I don't feel emotionally connected to the MC. I don't even know who this MC is except that he's a student summoned to another world. Why should I care about him?
You need to design a more humane MC (3D character) who lives in his/her own world. Imagine the MC as a human being who can think, feel, have a personality, have moral values, have a family background and relationships, who reacts to his surroundings. This way, readers might care more about your MC.
Third, your prose is still too descriptive. You are overdoing it in describing small details. This is not good because readers will lose focus and feel the pacing slow even without important events. Narrate the descriptions sparingly.
It would be better if you make the descriptions follow the action through a cinematic action narrative. This way, your narrative will be more immersive and the pacing will be smoother and faster.
Finally, those are some of my impressions of your fiction. It is very possible that my assessment is biased (I only read it once and don't even remember your MC's name).
However, if you can impress your readers or at least imagine the scene in their minds, then your fiction will be better.
Please improve your narrative. Sorry, if my words are harsh. Good luck!
Regards.
