Does this blurb make you want to give my story a chance?

[HarryGarland]

What do you think of this new blurb? It is written from the MC's 1st person limited POV.
The current blurb I'm using is written from 3rd person omniscient, describing the MC and FMC's situation and their environment.

What am I doing here? Why am I even alive?​

I went to bed happy. And suddenly, there was screaming and loud noises. The floors of my room was shaking.​

I went out to look.​

Papa was dead... Killed by an angel with black-and-red wings.​

And Mama... Turned me into a human and sent me here.​

Where is this place? It's so hot and dirty... Not like home.​

Is Mama still alive?​

I want to go home...​

...​

Who's this?​

She smells funny. Does she bath?​

Why does she has a tail? And her ears look like a cat's.​

Why won't she leave me alone? She keeps rubbing me with her face.​

Every morning she comes and sits with me. She talks a lot. She's always happy. Then leaves when the sun goes down.​

I don't know... But, she makes the nightmares look less scary.​

Maybe...​

Mama's last words can actually be true.​

Live, Boy-Boy.​

 

[Eldoria]

Quite immersive... I can grasp the conflict in your fiction. I'm not offering any advice regarding synopsis content, but your synopsis format should adapt to the format of a web novel.

Avoid giant, eye-straining paragraphs. Use concise paragraphs (1-3 sentences). And don't forget to separate paragraphs with a single line. This will make your synopsis more mobile-friendly.

 

[laccoff_mawning]

No.

But I mostly read comedies so it might be more of a genre thing than your synopsis being bad.

 

[SouthernMaiden]

I think its intriguing, makes me want to know more. Personally I would prefer that it was a lil shorter and more concise

 

[Macha]

Quite immersive... I can grasp the conflict in your fiction. I'm not offering any advice regarding synopsis content, but your synopsis format should adapt to the format of a web novel.

Avoid giant, eye-straining paragraphs. Use concise paragraphs (1-3 sentences). And don't forget to separate paragraphs with a single line. This will make your synopsis more mobile-friendly.

Sea Bears can easily be antagonized by many things. Some of the common ones to avoid are listed below.

Waving a flashlight back and forth really fast.
Running.
Limping.
Crawling.
Wearing a Sombrero in a goofy fashion
Playing a Clarinet badly.
Typing Like This With The First Letter Of Every Word Capitalized.

 

[HarryGarland]

Quite immersive... I can grasp the conflict in your fiction. I'm not offering any advice regarding synopsis content, but your synopsis format should adapt to the format of a web novel.

Avoid giant, eye-straining paragraphs. Use concise paragraphs (1-3 sentences). And don't forget to separate paragraphs with a single line. This will make your synopsis more mobile-friendly.

Thanks. By "format of a web novel" did you mean "avoid giant, eye-straning....." Or something else?

Sorry if I sound weird. Just want to make sure I didn't miss anything.

Sea Bears can easily be antagonized by many things. Some of the common ones to avoid are listed below.

Waving a flashlight back and forth really fast.
Running.
Limping.
Crawling.
Wearing a Sombrero in a goofy fashion
Playing a Clarinet badly.
Typing Like This With The First Letter Of Every Word Capitalized.

...I'm confused.

 

[Eldoria]

Thanks. By "format of a web novel" did you mean "avoid giant, eye-straning....." Or something else?

Sorry if I sound weird. Just want to make sure I didn't miss anything.

...I'm confused.

Okay, if you're asking for additional advice:

1. Adjust your synopsis to suit the platform. Don't use "What to Expect" in SH, but you are encouraged to use it in RR.
2. Add "Trigger Warning" if your content is heavy and contains sensitive elements (gore, execution, dark psychology, etc.).
3. Add a volume outline to show your commitment to writing fiction. For example: Vol 1 total 22 chapters: Happy days with Mommy (completed); Vol 2 total 40 chapters: Adventures in the Kingdom of Naria (ongoing), Vol 3 total 50 chapters (planned), etc.
4. Use tags that are appropriate to the content (especially related to the tropes you use in the fiction).
5. Use enough genres (3-5 chapters recommended) to emphasise the thematic focus of your fiction.
6. And lastly, the most important, make your synopsis a "narrative promise" - never write content that deviates from the fictional premise.

Good luck! Regards.

.I'm confused.

Don't take it seriously, my friend. It's just a joke from the SpongeBob series.

 

[CharlesEBrown]

Not without a bit of a grammar scrub. Some clunky lines suggest the whole book will be just as tough to wade through in places and does not suggest it will be worth the effort as-is.

 

[HarryGarland]

Not without a bit of a grammar scrub. Some clunky lines suggest the whole book will be just as tough to wade through in places and does not suggest it will be worth the effort as-is.

Not sure I quite get what you mean. I ran it thru deepseek and Claude, found one or two grammar errors.

I think I get the clunky part. Was trying to capture how a traumatized 8yr old boy would think.

 

[CharlesEBrown]

Not sure I quite get what you mean. I ran it thru deepseek and Claude, found one or two grammar errors.

I think I get the clunky part. Was trying to capture how a traumatized 8yr old boy would think.

Ah, in that case the grammar and awkwardness is appropriate.
Not something I, personally, would be interested in, but I know others would be.

 

[RhysCorvin]

I can kind of see what you're going for, and there's definitely some appeal to it.
I think you got the behavior and verbal capacity of a child perfectly, though.

But personally, it's not my cup of tea.