Hoshi's Feedback thread

V8485

V8485

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Well, I'm rather happy with most things and don't care to about readers on this website. I'll probably go back and look over the spacing eventually. Thanks for your opinion and time.
 
empalgepuk

empalgepuk

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Let's see if I can get more things to fix.

www.scribblehub.com

Untapped Memories

Cassa Ironbrooke and Eliana Krahl are stranded in the border town Moonbridge. To leave, their choices are bleak: fight through monster-infested wilds, or pay ship fares they can't afford. Either way, they're stuck. Hope seems lost, until they discover their missing master's journal. Inside it...
www.scribblehub.com www.scribblehub.com

Thank you in advance.
 
Macha

Macha

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empalgepuk said:
Let's see if I can get more things to fix.

www.scribblehub.com

Untapped Memories

Cassa Ironbrooke and Eliana Krahl are stranded in the border town Moonbridge. To leave, their choices are bleak: fight through monster-infested wilds, or pay ship fares they can't afford. Either way, they're stuck. Hope seems lost, until they discover their missing master's journal. Inside it...
www.scribblehub.com www.scribblehub.com

Thank you in advance.
Click to expand...
Fix your sleeping schedule.

Hope this helps.
 
Hoshino

Hoshino

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Notaffiliate said:
https://www.scribblehub.com/series/2035043/lastminute-monster-hunters/

boom

Only three chapters (Sorry, I'm a very slow writer. The chapters aren't all that long either) but I'd appreciate any thoughts about anything at all, thanks in advance
Click to expand...
I'll skip the cover and synopsis, and don't get me wrong, the synopsis is half decent, I’ll give you that, but most of it could be trimmed, or rather, it’s not really appealing to me that much. Like, there are thousands of other stories like this: an overpowered protagonist in a world full of magic. Meh, I’ll say no more and move on to Chapter 1.

So, the thing I notice first is:

Self-torture. I'm torturing myself for no reason, against my own will, without my own will.
Click to expand...
This is a bit repetitive, don't you think?

That’s a problem that occurs again; many sentences repeat the same idea a bit.

Then there are the grammatical mistakes, like tense slips, incorrect punctuation, and awkward phrasing.

For instance:

He furrows his brow with minimal concern and says, "You need a water, boy."
Click to expand...

Moving on from technical issues, magic as a fifth force is pretty interesting, I suppose. But you info-dump and ruin the whole thing.

And that’s not even an important thing, so fewer things happen in a chapter. Like, the whole thing that happens is:

  • Protagonist can’t sleep
  • Uses magic
  • Visits grandfather
  • Argues
  • Leaves
  • Exposition dump
  • Introduces name

While the insomnia section stays for too long.

That’s it. If I were reading this normally and this appeared, I wouldn’t even click on it, looking at the cover alone.



Overall, I’d rate this a 2/10.
 
Failnot

Failnot

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Hoshino said:
I'll skip the cover and synopsis, and don't get me wrong, the synopsis is half decent, I’ll give you that, but most of it could be trimmed, or rather, it’s not really appealing to me that much. Like, there are thousands of other stories like this: an overpowered protagonist in a world full of magic. Meh, I’ll say no more and move on to Chapter 1.

So, the thing I notice first is:


This is a bit repetitive, don't you think?

That’s a problem that occurs again; many sentences repeat the same idea a bit.

Then there are the grammatical mistakes, like tense slips, incorrect punctuation, and awkward phrasing.

For instance:



Moving on from technical issues, magic as a fifth force is pretty interesting, I suppose. But you info-dump and ruin the whole thing.

And that’s not even an important thing, so fewer things happen in a chapter. Like, the whole thing that happens is:

  • Protagonist can’t sleep
  • Uses magic
  • Visits grandfather
  • Argues
  • Leaves
  • Exposition dump
  • Introduces name

While the insomnia section stays for too long.

That’s it. If I were reading this normally and this appeared, I wouldn’t even click on it, looking at the cover alone.



Overall, I’d rate this a 2/10.
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Gah

Ignoring the cover conundrum (replaced eventually), should I expand the chapter or something to make it more eventful? I could do that by merging some parts of later chapters into it, or maybe I'd just be better off trimming it down to be more digestible

I'll try to work on the grammar and mechanics I suppose, but that'll be a bit tricky

Edit: Does anyone know how to remove the cover image? I think that's better temporarily, since it doesn't seem to be very gripping
 
Last edited:
ShrimpShady

ShrimpShady

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Sounds tempting, but I'll pass. I'd rather not get thinly-veiled AI-generated writing advice :blob_hmm:
 
Failnot

Failnot

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Everyone on this site is running on the same LLM, including myself, so I welcome AI-generated writing advice, of course.
 
Lookbehindyou

Lookbehindyou

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how lucky! a young feedback post without one million stories in queue!

Here is what I've got.

i know the title is jarring:blob_whistle:
www.scribblehub.com

Reincarnated Into A Japanese 18+ Game As A Woman And Now I Have To Save The World Or Terrible Things Will Happen To Me

I was playing Fall Of The Goddess, a random, shockingly deep game I found on a pirating site. It's a turn-based strategy game where you play as the demon god or something big and evil, I don't know, the story was all in Japanese. Anyway, I was having a lot...
www.scribblehub.com www.scribblehub.com
 
Failnot

Failnot

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Messages
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Every message on this thread is costing us two lakes to generate. Think before you interact.
 
MFontana

MFontana

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Hoshino said:
As my 1000th message, I'm doing a feedback thread. Pretty original, nya.

Now, post your stories here and get your feedback from me.
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Good day, and a Happy New Year to you, Hoshino
I've got three series up right now, and would welcome feedback and critique on any (or all) of them at your leisure.
I should also probably warn you in advance, that my writing style is built upon dense, thematic and descriptive prose, and may not appeal to everyone. The only brief exception to this, is the Prologue of Aestelle Nocte, which was intentionally written for a different, fast-paced, feel.

First up: Aethara: The King's Path
Recommended Reading Order: Prelude, Chapter 1, Chapter 2 (Chapter 3 will be released later this month, after I finish writing and editing it)
Bonus Content: Mostly LitRPG mechanics and extra stuff for lore-nuts who want it, and a place to drop my notes on the series so they don't clutter the chapters themselves.
Brief Summary: An Isekai series started in-media-res with heavy dark-fantasy and gothic-stylized themes about power, it's corruptive influences, and the real weight of leadership layered into an Isekai/LitRPG series.

Next up: Aestelle Nocte: A Sci-Fi Harem Story
Recommended Reading Order: Prelude, Chapter 0 [Prologue], Chapter 1
Bonus Content: Mostly notes and character details for the folks who want them.
Brief Summary: As the title indicates, this is a sci-fi / harem story, set on Earth, that is basically intended to be a light (thematically) Rom-Com that can, and will, be shaped by reader votes, polls, and comments presented in an Episodic format. The prologue is intended to be a short, sharp, and quick introduction to the background before the story begins in full, so there will be a sharp, intentional, difference in style between Chapter 0 and Chapter 1.

Last, but certainly not least: The Elarian Chronicles
Recommended Reading Order: Duskfall: Prelude, Duskfall: Chapter 1.1, Duskfall: Chapter 1.2
Bonus Content: This will mostly be notes, but will also feature a number of canonical bonus chapters in each planned volume, that are intended as fan-service, and not entirely relevant to the plot.
Brief Summary: Planned as a 5-Volume series in the Isekai/LitRPG genre, set in the same world as Aethara, but featuring a different cast, in a different region of the world, the same gothic themes and undertones will be prevalent throughout, however this series tackles different themes and ideas, with those layered as the backbone conflict throughout. This series will also feature a dual-protagonist/dual-PoV set-up as it follows both Lucius and Morrigan on their respective adventures.
 
Macha

Macha

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MFontana said:
Good day, and a Happy New Year to you, Hoshino
I've got three series up right now, and would welcome feedback and critique on any (or all) of them at your leisure.
I should also probably warn you in advance, that my writing style is built upon dense, thematic and descriptive prose, and may not appeal to everyone. The only brief exception to this, is the Prologue of Aestelle Nocte, which was intentionally written for a different, fast-paced, feel.

First up: Aethara: The King's Path
Recommended Reading Order: Prelude, Chapter 1, Chapter 2 (Chapter 3 will be released later this month, after I finish writing and editing it)
Bonus Content: Mostly LitRPG mechanics and extra stuff for lore-nuts who want it, and a place to drop my notes on the series so they don't clutter the chapters themselves.
Brief Summary: An Isekai series started in-media-res with heavy dark-fantasy and gothic-stylized themes about power, it's corruptive influences, and the real weight of leadership layered into an Isekai/LitRPG series.

Next up: Aestelle Nocte: A Sci-Fi Harem Story
Recommended Reading Order: Prelude, Chapter 0 [Prologue], Chapter 1
Bonus Content: Mostly notes and character details for the folks who want them.
Brief Summary: As the title indicates, this is a sci-fi / harem story, set on Earth, that is basically intended to be a light (thematically) Rom-Com that can, and will, be shaped by reader votes, polls, and comments presented in an Episodic format. The prologue is intended to be a short, sharp, and quick introduction to the background before the story begins in full, so there will be a sharp, intentional, difference in style between Chapter 0 and Chapter 1.

Last, but certainly not least: The Elarian Chronicles
Recommended Reading Order: Duskfall: Prelude, Duskfall: Chapter 1.1, Duskfall: Chapter 1.2
Bonus Content: This will mostly be notes, but will also feature a number of canonical bonus chapters in each planned volume, that are intended as fan-service, and not entirely relevant to the plot.
Brief Summary: Planned as a 5-Volume series in the Isekai/LitRPG genre, set in the same world as Aethara, but featuring a different cast, in a different region of the world, the same gothic themes and undertones will be prevalent throughout, however this series tackles different themes and ideas, with those layered as the backbone conflict throughout. This series will also feature a dual-protagonist/dual-PoV set-up as it follows both Lucius and Morrigan on their respective adventures.
Click to expand...
I don't see anything wrong with the writing. If you are asking for a feedback on why the stories aren't gaining traction I am going to pull an Eldoria and tell you in a coherent and polite way that the issue is on the packaging. Insert Eldoria's feedback about webnovel optimization here.

Let me give you tips on how to attract more readers. Focus on writing one book until it's complete. Don't try doing all three at once. Insert Macha's feedback about readers preferring novels with many chapters to binge read here.

Hope this helps-nya.

Hoshino.
 
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