About emotional scene

[Shido_kun]

Any advice on how to deepen the emotional impact of the scene.


I updated chapter 4 and i tried making it emotional and i am quite confidence that i did great. but can you point out the weakness on it.




Chapter 4

 

[Eldoria]

The chapter is pretty good. There's not much I can criticise other than the chapter being too long. It should be cut into two parts to make it lighter.

Some repetitive descriptions of emotions. Well, that's understandable. I also have trouble managing emotional repetition, especially body language. The solution is to use a variety of terms.

Furthermore, characters should be more humane (especially Haruto - I don't know why this name reminds me of the MC of the Seirei Gensouki). They can be wrong, not always right. It can be a consideration for the dramaturgy.

Critical note: I didn't read the entire chapter, so my assessment may be biased. I'm not a romantic person who specialises in romance, after all.

 

[MFontana]

Any advice on how to deepen the emotional impact of the scene.


I updated chapter 4 and i tried making i emotional and i am quite confidence that i did great. but can you point out the weakness on it.



View attachment 44480
Chapter 4

I was already planning to read this, Shido, so I'll see about checking it today if I have the time.
I'll hold off on additional comments until I do, but would you rather I comment directly on the chapter, or give you the feedback here?

 

[Shido_kun]

I was already planning to read this, Shido, so I'll see about checking it today if I have the time.
I'll hold off on additional comments until I do, but would you rather I comment directly on the chapter, or give you the feedback here?

You can comment on chapter also..

The chapter is pretty good. There's not much I can criticise other than the chapter being too long. It should be cut into two parts to make it lighter.

Some repetitive descriptions of emotions. Well, that's understandable. I also have trouble managing emotional repetition, especially body language. The solution is to use a variety of terms.

Furthermore, characters should be more humane (especially Haruto - I don't know why this name reminds me of the MC of the Seirei Gensouki). They can be wrong, not always right. It can be a consideration for the dramaturgy.

Critical note: I didn't read the entire chapter, so my assessment may be biased. I'm not a romantic person who specialises in romance, after all.

Yeah, actually you could say, the name is inspired from seirei gensouki.

 

[RavenWulfgar]

Any advice on how to deepen the emotional impact of the scene.


I updated chapter 4 and i tried making it emotional and i am quite confidence that i did great. but can you point out the weakness on it.



View attachment 44480
Chapter 4

I have a couple of suggestions. I did notice the descriptive repetition. That's okay, I do it too.

What helps me are two books. The Storyteller's Dictionary and The Storyteller's Thesaurus by Jim Ward (RIP). Those two are available at the Troll Lord Games website and, on the surface they look like they're built for Castles & Crusades and that's partially true, they are kinda geared toward fantasy but it works for everything else. I have both on my desk shelf and occasionally, even while I'm writing you can find me grabbing one of those books and pacing around while I'm reading stuff from those books to break out of a descriptive rut or formulate something specific out of something mechanical.

What drives emotional impact is the character relationship and that builds over time. Your story has the length but that's not what we're talking about. Take time to establish the characters, make the reader truly care about them, then take that relationship between the two of them and really build on that, then you start to insert emotional moments.

Two of my characters, Thrasamund and Heva from the Thousand Year Old Vampire posts in The Nocturneverse does this. He's a vampire, she's a mortal but she's seen him in his early struggle and doesn't quite realize fully what he is, she chooses to help him and the two of them are in a sort of close partnership for twenty years. They go through hell in many ways together but you know about each of them and you know what they're like together. When something happens to them as a cohesive unit, that's when the impact lands because what creates that impact is what draws that reader in because they want to know "Where do we go from here?"

Emotions in a story can be powerful but they need some pretty heavy context, in order to be understood.

Draven Nocturne in Until The Night Takes Us gives a fan armed with a cellphone her moment in front of an audience that loves his music and he's retiring. Now that's a bit of a pressure cooker and what his drummer Kit tells him is true, "You gotta leave 'em wantin' more, man...but ya gotta leave 'em first."

Draven watching a stage being taken down after a show. He's not watching a stage being torn down. He's retiring. He's watching his world come apart. "This never gets any easier, does it, mate?"

Point being, sometimes, it's not about what you say, it's way more about what you don't say and, this is one thing I really struggle with; sometimes you don't have to explain everything, you can trust your audience and let them ask questions on rough drafts that way you know exactly what to clear up.

So far though, good scene, nice use of dialogue. I think you have something here and I'd love to see it really go places. Keep going. Keep banging keys til they go dead, then get another keyboard and do the same.

Final suggestion, just for giggles. Get a composition book and a pen and hand-write this stuff first. Slow yourself down a bit. Take it from me, it helps.