HI! I'm a new writer. can someone review my story and give me his opinion about it?

[oussama_schrodinger]

Name: E-UNIT: Code RED.

 

[Envylope]

Put a link to the novel.

 

[oussama_schrodinger]

E-UNIT: CODE RED

To the public, they are the 'Blue Angels'—beautiful, high-tech androids designed to keep the peace. But to the criminal underworld, they are monsters. Created by the eccentric genius Dr. Nick, the E-UNITs were built to do what humans can't. Led by Unit 02—a captain with zero patience and a...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[oussama_schrodinger]

i sent it, it needs to be approved for some reason.

 

[Worthy39]

i sent it, it needs to be approved for some reason.

That usually takes twelve hours to a day, give or take.

 

[oussama_schrodinger]

it got approved finally.

 

[McPhoenixDavid]

it got approved finally.

Was it? It says error.

 

[oussama_schrodinger]

Was it? It says error.

I think i fixed the problrm now https://www.scribblehub.com/series/2044869/eunit-the-blue-angels-of-death/

 

[HotConsensualSalt]

I think i fixed the problrm now https://www.scribblehub.com/series/2044869/eunit-the-blue-angels-of-death/

Aight, bet.

Is there a reason you dislike putting more than one sentence in a paragraph? Not every sentence needs to be it's own paragraph. It's difficult to know what you're emphasizing.

You use a lot of adverbs, but "directly" and "suddenly" and "completely" and "instantly" don't add much. If you're going to use a big, expressive noun like 'engulf,' let it stand on its own. If you're gonna tell us that they sprinted up the side of the building, I don't need to know that they "sprinted vertically up the side of the building." "Vertically" doesn't add much.

Also, we get it: the mecha girls are extremely pale. They are shaped like small, thin, women. You find a half dozen different ways to tell us how fair skinned and small and feminine they are. I understand it's very important that we understand that they are feminine pale skinned androids with blue hair. I wish I knew anything else about them from the prologue.

As far as content goes? You write "extra pale, extra feminine, blue haired androids massacre a prison riot" with a little too much gusto for me to want to keep reading. The line about "they're hesitating. wipe them out," might be crucial to emphasize how bloodthirsty and cruel these robot girls are, but it's also the line where I checked out; I finished the chapter knowing that I wouldn't want to read more. The "extra brutal anime girl android police" premise was already discouraging, and you're too excited to write montages of carnage and brutality for me to keep reading.

Your synopsis suggests you want to pivot the story to "who's the real monster? The murder bots or the ones you created/use/exploit them?" But the first two chapters keep me from wanting to follow along.

 

[oussama_schrodinger]

Aight, bet.

Is there a reason you dislike putting more than one sentence in a paragraph? Not every sentence needs to be it's own paragraph. It's difficult to know what you're emphasizing.

You use a lot of adverbs, but "directly" and "suddenly" and "completely" and "instantly" don't add much. If you're going to use a big, expressive noun like 'engulf,' let it stand on its own. If you're gonna tell us that they sprinted up the side of the building, I don't need to know that they "sprinted vertically up the side of the building." "Vertically" doesn't add much.

Also, we get it: the mecha girls are extremely pale. They are shaped like small, thin, women. You find a half dozen different ways to tell us how fair skinned and small and feminine they are. I understand it's very important that we understand that they are feminine pale skinned androids with blue hair. I wish I knew anything else about them from the prologue.

As far as content goes? You write "extra pale, extra feminine, blue haired androids massacre a prison riot" with a little too much gusto for me to want to keep reading. The line about "they're hesitating. wipe them out," might be crucial to emphasize how bloodthirsty and cruel these robot girls are, but it's also the line where I checked out; I finished the chapter knowing that I wouldn't want to read more. The "extra brutal anime girl android police" premise was already discouraging, and you're too excited to write montages of carnage and brutality for me to keep reading.

Your synopsis suggests you want to pivot the story to "who's the real monster? The murder bots or the ones you created/use/exploit them?" But the first two chapters keep me from wanting to follow along.

Thank you so much for the honest review! you're right, i described them way too many times lol. I see that cruel girls is not your favorite thing to read but you're right, too much blood. i want to draw the image of elegant cruel girls but i over did it. thanks for the feedback man, i needed it.

 

[HotConsensualSalt]

Thank you so much for the honest review! you're right, i described them way too many times lol. I see that cruel girls is not your favorite thing to read but you're right, too much blood. i want to draw the image of elegant cruel girls but i over did it. thanks for the feedback man, i needed it.

Im glad that was helpful. I worried about being too blunt to be useful. You've got a clear vision of murderous waifus. Stick with that, but maybe examine it a little more?

I'm personally exhausted by "pale and slender" being a stand in for "vulnerable looking," as if any other woman wouldn't look dainty or meek or fragile. What is important to the story that all look like that? Pale, porcelain skinned anime waifu murder bots feels too much like a fetish to me.

You have good instincts for action. It's clear and you make it interesting. I think those instincts are a little wasted on gratuitous violence. You can summarize large parts of that prison break, sparing us the gory details while emphasizing that these are remorseless killers who crack jokes while exterminating people. These girls aren't meek or shy or empathetic, and they certainly aren't human.

So since they're inhuman, I'd be more interested in them contending with situations that threaten them. Can they lose an arm or get a hole ripped in them and keep functioning? I realize I'm less interested in them being used by a corrupt system that i am in them not being Invincible.

Once again, thanks for listening and i hope this further flushes out what i was trying to say.

For a new writer, There's a lot of promise here. I think some technical polish of your syntax, some discretion about which fights to summarize and which to embellish, and a little more investigation about what this story is about or saying would go a long way.

Please keep writing. There's definitely something here

 

[oussama_schrodinger]

No problem man, thanks for the feedback again. Notes taken. and just to clarify they are not Invincible. I don't want the superman effect on my story, it sucks and make the characters uninteresting.