First time actually writing a story, feedback and thoughts

[mrweirdo]

This is what I got so far

Plot of MY short story (rough draft)
(I’m editing this now I forgot to mention that this isn’t the complete version and stuff will change)

The story follows Greyson Niles,a 17 year old boy with multiple mental health issues,who lives day by day suffering in agonizing grief due to a constant reminder of his fathers death, that reminder being a floating ghost that resembles his fathers corpse, constantly following him around at all times that won’t go away.This ghost has been terrorizing Greyson for 2 years since he was 15 and his father committed suicide, Greyson blamed himself for this and it’s like his grief manifested and became this haunting entity that stalks him.This ghost follows Greyson anywhere he goes constantly watching him,The ghost doesn’t speak at all,only when Greyson attempts to open up to anyone about his mental state and problems,only then the ghost will speak to Greyson and agonize him, making Greyson shut down and not say anything.due to this Greyson found it easier to tell no one about his problems and keep them hidden away further torturing himself, eventually he stopped talking to people all together, this causes Greyson to never truly open up to anyone in fear of what people will think about him and how scared he is of own problems.

 

[CharlesEBrown]

Depends on the direction you plan to take it.
If it's just psychological horror (either there is no ghost and it's all in his mind, or the "ghost" is something like that rabbity-thing in Donnie Darko, where it is a demon of sorts ... maybe ... but not the real threat and maybe not even ultimately important to the story, just interesting), this probably will either wind up a short-ish story, or just not take off.
If a conventional horror story (the ghost has a reason to force his silence - perhaps it will spread to others and does not want that... or, talking about it could PREVENT its spread and he has to find this out somehow)... this may not be the best site for it, but it should find a small audience if done well.
If the story has him finding someone dedicated to breaking him out of his shell... that is where it could get interesting, regardless of whether it is horror, or all in his mind, or just a "thing" and not really part of some other genre at all.

 

[CinnaSloth]

This is what I got so far

Plot of MY short story (rough draft)


The story follows Greyson Niles,a 17 year old boy with multiple mental health issues,who lives day by day suffering in agonizing grief due to a constant reminder of his fathers death, that reminder being a floating ghost that resembles his fathers corpse, constantly following him around at all times that won’t go away.This ghost has been terrorizing Greyson for 2 years since he was 15 and his father committed suicide, Greyson blamed himself for this and it’s like his grief manifested and became this haunting entity that stalks him.This ghost follows Greyson anywhere he goes constantly watching him,The ghost doesn’t speak at all,only when Greyson attempts to open up to anyone about his mental state and problems,only then the ghost will speak to Greyson and agonize him, making Greyson shut down and not say anything.due to this Greyson found it easier to tell no one about his problems and keep them hidden away further torturing himself, eventually he stopped talking to people all together, this causes Greyson to never truly open up to anyone in fear of what people will think about him and how scared he is of own problems.

2 questions:
Why does he blame himself for his father's suicide?
and what mental health issues does he have?
Because It sounds like normal depression to me, but with extra steps (no offense). Assuming the ghost is a figment of his imagination, like a vivid hallucination while off his meds, it'll still take some serious emotional Vietnam levels of PTSD to convince people of that kind of guilt, blaming himself for a suicide. Unless, it turns out, he's actually the one who killed his father, and staged it to look like a suicide. Then, maybe the "guilt" or blame he feels would make sense. But otherwise, the writing will have to be incredibly convincing because it's such a heavy topic to not only write about, but to read. If you think you can pull it off, I wish you luck. o7

 

[unlaumy]

I think you've got decent materials for a short story.

Question on how you'll develop the story: will Greyson interact with any character at all? Will it be a one-man play where it only narrates Greyson and his ghost (the ghost doesn't do anything, so it works like an environmental adversary just fine) in his daily life? Considering you put a deep thought on the father and the ghost, it's probably like that.

...Or you may also intent to explore it with other character(s):

this causes Greyson to never truly open up to anyone in fear of what people will think about him and how scared he is of own problems.

If so, don't forget to connect the interactions, whether thematically or in topic (who's that character and their relationship with Greyson, his life spiraling down, his guilt, father's death, or maybe they are just premise and it's actually about his recovery?).

This is just food for thoughts. Don't be afraid to write according to your feeling!

 

[mrweirdo]

Depends on the direction you plan to take it.
If it's just psychological horror (either there is no ghost and it's all in his mind, or the "ghost" is something like that rabbity-thing in Donnie Darko, where it is a demon of sorts ... maybe ... but not the real threat and maybe not even ultimately important to the story, just interesting), this probably will either wind up a short-ish story, or just not take off.
If a conventional horror story (the ghost has a reason to force his silence - perhaps it will spread to others and does not want that... or, talking about it could PREVENT its spread and he has to find this out somehow)... this may not be the best site for it, but it should find a small audience if done well.
If the story has him finding someone dedicated to breaking him out of his shell... that is where it could get interesting, regardless of whether it is horror, or all in his mind, or just a "thing" and not really part of some other genre at all.

Thanks for the feedback, now If I’m being honest idk what genre it is exactly yet but it’s mainly dealing with mental health I just started this whole thing 2 days ago? Or 3 I’m not sure what I wanna do with the ghost yet and I’m still working on it. But I do really appreciate what you said and imma keep working on this to figure out what I wanna do cause it’s not done yet