Looking for feedback on my zombie romance short story

[connersennett]

Hey all, I'm working on a zombie short story called Last Day on Earth. It's a romance, specifically a grumpy/sunshine. Or at least my attempt. It's the first bit of fiction I've written in over a decade, so I am desperate for some feedback since I'm incredibly rusty. I plan on going back and making any necessary changes, including the title, but right now I'm trying to just get something on the page. Here's the link: https://www.scribblehub.com/series/1895551/last-day-on-earth/

Thanks in advance!

 

[Juia_Darkcrest]

Just read it. It is fun and fast paced, but needs some editing.

Chapter 1

- several paragraphs that appear to have extra/unnecessary words.

- "There were far too many to face one on one." Too many to face one 1v1? if you were facing two you are now facing to many to 1v1.

there are other examples of being inconsistent through out, or you are stating things that contradict themselves.

Chapter 2

- First actual paragraph - "The dirt-covered girl didn't look much older than Kyle, maybe a couple years younger," is she younger or older? or maybe she is just Kyles age instead.

Chapter 3

Seems fun, though some issues which I will speak about below.

Overall, it is a decent start, targeted at teenagers I assume.

main critiques I have are;

Too many pop culture references. I swear you have a dozen in each chapter. Instead of writing a story, you just keep making these corny jokes. A few are good, dozens are overkill and make reading it annoying.

You might be moving through the story too quickly and everything seems rushed. Kyle might be in a zombie apocalypse, but you are not. Slow down and write a bit more exposition, some descriptions, slow the reading pace down a bit.

Some grammar errors, and a lot of stand alone sentences with little meat to actually read.

Don't mock the Corolla! It will keep working well beyond anything else during an apocalypse =) *Looks at the Corolla in the driveway*

 

[connersennett]

Just read it. It is fun and fast paced, but needs some editing.

Chapter 1

- several paragraphs that appear to have extra/unnecessary words.

- "There were far too many to face one on one." Too many to face one 1v1? if you were facing two you are now facing to many to 1v1.

there are other examples of being inconsistent through out, or you are stating things that contradict themselves.

Chapter 2

- First actual paragraph - "The dirt-covered girl didn't look much older than Kyle, maybe a couple years younger," is she younger or older? or maybe she is just Kyles age instead.

Chapter 3

Seems fun, though some issues which I will speak about below.

Overall, it is a decent start, targeted at teenagers I assume.

main critiques I have are;

Too many pop culture references. I swear you have a dozen in each chapter. Instead of writing a story, you just keep making these corny jokes. A few are good, dozens are overkill and make reading it annoying.

You might be moving through the story too quickly and everything seems rushed. Kyle might be in a zombie apocalypse, but you are not. Slow down and write a bit more exposition, some descriptions, slow the reading pace down a bit.

Some grammar errors, and a lot of stand alone sentences with little meat to actually read.

Don't mock the Corolla! It will keep working well beyond anything else during an apocalypse =) *Looks at the Corolla in the driveway*

Thanks for the feedback!

My mistake on the pop culture stuff. I went overboard on those, I'll try to cut back on them more and remove some of the extra ones when I do some editing later. I'm already thinking I'll remove the Zombieland mention. I do however really like Rose's rant in chapter 2, so I don't plan on removing that part. But I will slow down on more.

As for the contradictions, I tend to go back and change certain lines. I try to be good about it, but I guess I missed some. Like, for the girl's age I believe I had a different age for her, then went back in and scrapped it but forgot to remove that bit. Also I do sometimes edit things out even after uploading the chapters here, so some of these may already be gone but I'll do a more thorough check.

For the pacing, I do struggle with that as initially I was aiming for 20-24 pages, so the quick pace is mostly a result of that, but I think it's going to end up longer. I'll work harder to go back and add in more exposition and descriptions. Ironically my weakness lol. Chapter 3 is going to be a longer chapter, too. So hopefully the pacing will be improved there.

And I don't have anything against the Corolla, only Kyle does :) I was planning for him to gripe about it in chapter 3 later, as he's more into cars with no tech.

I'm a LONG way from finishing or publishing the full story, so these critiques early on really help, so thanks.

 

[LeilaniOtter]

Don't mock the Corolla! It will keep working well beyond anything else during an apocalypse =) *Looks at the Corolla in the driveway*

Along with cockroaches, Twinkies, and Keith Richards. *^^*
Honestly, I should be reading this story too, since I actually was a zombie. *^^*