What about this synopsis?

[Max02]

It's from my novel Terra Una, which I intend to post here in the next months.

Humankind is finally united in a single country, a single nation called Terra Una. All people belong to the same race and speak the same language, Lingua Nova. This language represents a revival of the long dead Latin language, mix of the most important languages of the old civilizations, which were destroyed after The Final World War (Ultimum Bellum), having Latin as its main basis. There is only one religion, Unism, which is centered around the worship of Unus, a deity which nobody knows much except for the ever repeated slogan "Unus ita vult" (Unus wants it so). The main ruler, Primus, is both the President of the country and the High Priest of Unus. But he never, ever, shows his face, and is known only through the daily announcement called Momentum Sapientiæ, where he speaks words of comfort and encouragement to exhort the Terraunans to continue working tirelessly the next day. The skin color of all Terraunans is brown, as a side effect of a massive exposition to extreme heat after the explosion of three megabombs almost annihilated humankind by the end of The Final World War, in the year 2454 AD. It was never clear how the world was reconstructed after all the main cities and economic resources had been totally exhausted. But the fact is, in the moment the story takes place, we are in the Anno Novo 455 (or 2899), and Terra Una constitutes an isolated country with a population of 10 million inhabitants. All the citizens are born from incubators, there is no sex or marriages. All citizens work 12 hours a day and are identified by code names, such as V.I.E.-1355 or K.D.J.-9971. Far from the borders of Terra Una, which are physically identified by a huge wall monitored 24/7 by an almost infallible computerized system, there is a vast unexplorable territory inhabited by all types of undesirables, outcasts, criminals, misfits, called Foris (Outside). Its inhabitants are generically called Alteri (the Others). Any contact with an Alter is strictly forbidden to all Terra Una citizens. As a matter of fact, such contact is almost impossible because the Terraunans live in perpetual ignorance and fear of what may exist in Foris. The story centers around one Terra Una young man called T.X.U.-6689 and an Alter called "The White One", because of his grey hair. Thanks to the illegal friendship with The White One, T.X.U.-6689 will slowly find out that not everything is as perfect as the official authorities of Terra Una affirm it to be.

If this is the wrong forum for this, please move the topic.

 

[Alski]

Not a particularly popular genre here on SH and considering many readers are on mobile, that wall of text is going to be insurmountable to many without better formatting.

 

[Max02]

Thanks for the input, but popularity is the least of my concerns. I am willing to write things worth reading. If I have to add one more vampire or zombie novel to the world, I prefer to remain silent.

 

[Eldoria]

Your synopsis is more like an info dump, leaving readers confused. A good synopsis answers the story's moral premise—what conflict are you planning to narrate in your novel? It's best to simply state the story's moral premise, concisely, clearly, and captivatingly. This way, potential readers will immediately understand the direction of story that you're promising.

 

[Max02]

Maybe summary would be a better word for this, you're right, a synopsis is generally short and straight to the point.

Either way, I'm asking people if they find the theme of the story engaging enough to be worth reading.

If I see that no one is interested here, I'll keep on writing it, but will post it somewhere else.

 

[Alski]

You could reach a larger number of forum readers with a poll, not sure if you can edit a poll in to your post though.

 

[Eldoria]

I am willing to write things worth reading.

That's fine if you want to write something worth reading (and in line with your author's ideals). We need more experimental novels that will enrich fiction literacy, instead of writing generic stories that simply repeat patterns, similar tropes with different names. This doesn't mean writing generic stories is wrong, but if all writers wrote similar generic stories, the world of fiction would reach a point of saturation without any development. And oftentimes, masterpieces are born from the experiments of writers who refuse to submit to the market pattern, even if it's a difficult way.

 

[empalgepuk]

I... might be inside your targeted market. I love SciFi; doesn't matter if the story seems depressingly dystopian in tone at first.

Though, even if popularity is the least of your concern, you could at least make the reading experience easier.

First thing first: how about splitting that twenty lines long paragraph into smaller ones? You could keep the details, but if you split that large block into smaller chunks, it'd be much easier to read.

 

[Max02]

I... might be inside your targeted market. I love SciFi; doesn't matter if the story seems depressingly dystopian in tone at first.

Though, even if popularity is the least of your concern, you could at least make the reading experience easier.

First thing first: how about splitting that twenty lines long paragraph into smaller ones? You could keep the details, but if you split that large block into smaller chunks, it'd be much easier to read.

I've updated the synopsis in the story's page, splitting the text into smaller paragraphs, easier to understand.

Also, in the main text I will try to use smaller paragraphs instead of long ones (except for the digressions explaining how that world came into being, that's inevitable).

What do you think about a story without dialogues?

 

[CharlesEBrown]

Tedious to read through and feels like you tossed two or three good ideas into an AI blender and didn't bother to edit the output for readability.

Also, using a lot of "foreign" (even if they are close to or actually are common usage ones) words in a text can turn some people off - doing it in a synopsis all but guarantees it.

Actually, this feels more like a prologue in need of a good editor than a synopsis.

 

[empalgepuk]

What do you think about a story without dialogues?

Like Wall-E? Could work. In exchange of dialogues, you could describe your characters' communications as gestures.

 

[Max02]

Tedious to read through and feels like you tossed two or three good ideas into an AI blender and didn't bother to edit the output for readability.

Also, using a lot of "foreign" (even if they are close to or actually are common usage ones) words in a text can turn some people off - doing it in a synopsis all but guarantees it.

Actually, this feels more like a prologue in need of a good editor than a synopsis.

AI was not involved in any of this, so, no.

I've already admitted summary would be a better term.

Thanks for your encouragement. ?

Like Wall-E? Could work. In exchange of dialogues, you could describe your characters' communications as gestures.

I like to dive into the mind of the character. Understand how he would see that world, how he would react to his particular circumstances. Most important is to know, how can the mind of a man born in a world totally different from ours work? Can he have the exact same thought patterns than us, 800 years in the future?

My idea is a sci-fi novel with a philosophical background. I'm willing to discuss what is the limit of collective-ness and how individuality could be possible in a 100% predictable and controlled environment.

 

[Wednesdayschild]

It's from my novel Terra Una, which I intend to post here in the next months.

Your synopsis presents a strong dystopian framework, but it risks relying too heavily on familiar tropes unless you distinguish it through a sharper thematic focus or greater character depth. While it already has philosophical potential, particularly concerning language, religion, enforced unity and the fear of 'the Other', it could benefit from refinement in a few areas.

Considering your reading material, I’m a little surprised that you have gone in this direction with your story. The writing I have seen from you elsewhere had a distinct quality about it, even if you would have to work on it to put it in novel format.

Of course, this synopsis has strengths. Your world-building foundations with a single world nation, a unitary language, universal brown skin, artificial reproduction and code names create a chillingly cohesive authoritarian backdrop. What disturbs me, though, is that it echoed some of the classics we have spoken about elsewhere. Your story needs to be distinctive.

You probably wouldn’t write the novel like the synopsis, which contains a lot of history and explanation (wars, megabombs and linguistic choices). It would risk slowing the entry point of the story. As we have discussed before, narrative power comes more from a character's perspective than an encyclopaedic context. However, I’m sure you would employ more “show, don’t tell” aspects in the story itself.

You employ symbolic elements such as the merging of Latin and lingua franca, the ruler who hides their face, and the slogan 'Unus ita vult' to enhance the mythical and totalitarian atmosphere. It evokes Rome, Christianity and Orwell simultaneously.

I like the friendship between a Terra Una citizen and an outsider ('The White One'), which creates the classic tension between conformity and resistance, with the potential for a powerful revelation. But you should avoid simplistic oppositions. Terra Una represents conformity, and Foris represents danger and freedom. If these are not nuanced, the narrative may feel predictable. Moral nuance, for example, flaws in Foris and complicity within Terra Una, would deepen the narrative.

While naming the protagonist T.X.U.-6689 makes sense within the world of the story, it risks creating emotional distance between the reader and the character. You may want to give them a more personal name or nickname early on so that we can connect. Does your protagonist have a secret longing, such as curiosity about the lost past, attachment to forbidden art or dream imagery? That would make his meeting with the White One more than a convenient coincidence.

I’m interested in the deity 'Unus', which could be ambiguous or even an AI, a council, or even just propaganda. Revealing something unexpected here could distinguish your world from 1984-style 'Big Brother' clichés.

As a last suggestion, instead of uniformity, what if small gradations of skin tone (or lingering traits) carry suppressed social meanings? This could reintroduce subtle 'difference' despite enforced uniformity. It would lend the figures an added nuance and help distinguish characters.

All in all, I look forward to reading the first chapters.

 

[Max02]

Your synopsis presents a strong dystopian framework, but it risks relying too heavily on familiar tropes unless you distinguish it through a sharper thematic focus or greater character depth. While it already has philosophical potential, particularly concerning language, religion, enforced unity and the fear of 'the Other', it could benefit from refinement in a few areas.

Considering your reading material, I’m a little surprised that you have gone in this direction with your story. The writing I have seen from you elsewhere had a distinct quality about it, even if you would have to work on it to put it in novel format.

Of course, this synopsis has strengths. Your world-building foundations with a single world nation, a unitary language, universal brown skin, artificial reproduction and code names create a chillingly cohesive authoritarian backdrop. What disturbs me, though, is that it echoed some of the classics we have spoken about elsewhere. Your story needs to be distinctive.

You probably wouldn’t write the novel like the synopsis, which contains a lot of history and explanation (wars, megabombs and linguistic choices). It would risk slowing the entry point of the story. As we have discussed before, narrative power comes more from a character's perspective than an encyclopaedic context. However, I’m sure you would employ more “show, don’t tell” aspects in the story itself.

You employ symbolic elements such as the merging of Latin and lingua franca, the ruler who hides their face, and the slogan 'Unus ita vult' to enhance the mythical and totalitarian atmosphere. It evokes Rome, Christianity and Orwell simultaneously.

I like the friendship between a Terra Una citizen and an outsider ('The White One'), which creates the classic tension between conformity and resistance, with the potential for a powerful revelation. But you should avoid simplistic oppositions. Terra Una represents conformity, and Foris represents danger and freedom. If these are not nuanced, the narrative may feel predictable. Moral nuance, for example, flaws in Foris and complicity within Terra Una, would deepen the narrative.

While naming the protagonist T.X.U.-6689 makes sense within the world of the story, it risks creating emotional distance between the reader and the character. You may want to give them a more personal name or nickname early on so that we can connect. Does your protagonist have a secret longing, such as curiosity about the lost past, attachment to forbidden art or dream imagery? That would make his meeting with the White One more than a convenient coincidence.

I’m interested in the deity 'Unus', which could be ambiguous or even an AI, a council, or even just propaganda. Revealing something unexpected here could distinguish your world from 1984-style 'Big Brother' clichés.

As a last suggestion, instead of uniformity, what if small gradations of skin tone (or lingering traits) carry suppressed social meanings? This could reintroduce subtle 'difference' despite enforced uniformity. It would lend the figures an added nuance and help distinguish characters.

All in all, I look forward to reading the first chapters.

Thanks for the feedback, here's the foreword I wrote to the story, explaining my intent:

Ever since I first read Thomas More's "Utopia" and watched Fritz Lang's wonderful "Metropolis," I've been thinking about creating my own futuristic story with dystopian touches. The problem, of course, isn't just finding the right inspiration, but how to create a unique story that isn't a mere imitation of so many others out there. Who needs a poor cousin of "Brave New World" or "1984"? The likely catastrophic future of humanity is the theme of 9 out of 10 dystopian sci-fi authors. The notable exception is "Star Trek," whose message is notoriously optimistic. And therein lies my biggest dilemma, because I want only touches of dystopia in my story, not an overly dark or pessimistic atmosphere, as in the case of "1984." And yet, there's no story without suffering, drama, and conflict, right? In a story, we have a challenge to overcome, and the greater the challenge, the better for the main character, who grows and delves deeper into their essential drama—the drama of asserting their individuality. My thinking is essentially individualistic, and it's the drama of the individual in this world that fascinates me most— the assertion of individuality against all odds, the enormous range of individuals found in this world and how this fact, this essential difference between people, makes this world even remotely interesting.

Now, the world we create in literature must either reflect this one so impeccably that the reader recognizes the author's genius in recreating what they see around them with the power of the written word, or paint such a perfectly well-defined picture of an exotic and fantastical world that, even if the reader recognizes that fictional universe has very little contact with the reality of our world, they cannot help but admire how convincing that world is and how successful the author is in transporting them to that reality that is simultaneously fantastical and thought-provoking. From someone astonished by the scope of the author's fantasy, the reader finds themselves rooting for a character who doesn't exist and never will, but whom the author has depicted so well that they almost seem real. Can I do that? Do I have the talent for it? I'm certainly no George Orwell. I don't dedicate myself exclusively or professionally to literature, which is why anything I write will never have the technical quality of "1984."

Still, my scope for this story is ambitious enough that it shouldn't be just any old story with a predictable ending, but one that reflects my own theses on individuality, government, society, power, relations of domination, religion, fanaticism, etc. I won't enter the story as a narrator demanding that all the characters reflect my worldview. The idea is for the characters to exist on their own, even though the central theme of "Terra Una" is a collectivity where individuality doesn't exist. But even in this hive-like environment, I must strive for the characters to express themselves as asexual men and women living in a world where traditional concepts of freedom, sexuality, family, etc., don't exist. Imagine a world where a man dies and lives without knowing what a father or a mother is, and where sexual attraction has been suppressed to such an extent that the act of conception is performed without the subjects involved being aware of what is happening.

I'll explain all the concepts involved in the creation of "Terra Una" as I publish the chapters of the story. I'll see if I can publish one chapter per week. The chapters will all have titles in Latin, which is nothing more than the Lingua Nova of Terra Una, simply with the addition of all those terms that didn't and couldn't exist in classical Latin.

Considering your reading material, I’m a little surprised that you have gone in this direction with your story. The writing I have seen from you elsewhere had a distinct quality about it, even if you would have to work on it to put it in novel format.

Well, basically I'm interested in many types of stories, from historical epics like War and Peace to airport thrillers like Robert Ludlum's. The short stories you are alluding to here deal with one of my favorite themes: the affirmation of individuality in the real world we live in. I'm thoroughly fascinated by the topic of individuality and in how many different forms it can manifest itself- even in sheer renunciation and embrace of its exact opposite. How the individual find a way to survive and to assert themselves in a dog-eat-dog like ours is a constant obsession of mine. But you already know that.

This second type of writing that I'm only now beginning to dive deeper into is the full-fledged story, with a beginning, an end and some kind of philosophical background to it. Since I have long admired dystopian books and movies, it sounded natural that I would first try and tackle the futuristic/post-apocalyptic template. I'm fascinated by post-apocalyptic imagery [minus zombies], in music or movies. The notion of Terra Una came naturally to me, though I won't deliver all the details so early. Since "one people, one goal" seems to be a common ideal shared by globalists, let us see what would come as a result of the real implementation of total uniformity in act, language and thought. I have a clear notion where I want to take my story. But whether I have the capacity to make it as engaging as, say, Brave New World, that's up for others to judge.

I for one will thoroughly enjoy every paragraph I write for it.

 

[Max02]

I've updated the synopsis for Terra Una:

Centuries after the definitive global conflict nearly decimated the planet, humanity is finally one, a single people, a single race, united in a single country called Terra Una. There are no problems of coexistence; everyone cooperates equally for the common good. There are no families or private property; all are equal, all are one. Beyond the solid borders of Terra Una lies another world called Foris (Outside), inhabited by all manner of horrific and deformed creatures, the Alteri. But the highly unlikely friendship between a young citizen of Terra Una named T.X.U-6689 and an Alter nicknamed "The White One" will challenge the foundations on which paradise rests.

and published the first chapter today, for whoever might be interested.