Want feedback on the first ten chapters (20,000+ words)

[NoFcuksGiven]

https://www.scribblehub.com/series/1825925/helix/

I basically wrote this story on a whim. Just cranking it about a chapter a day. Don't know if it's worth continuing or not. Any feedback would be appreciated.

 

[VenerableOne]

Hello~ I gave it a read up to 10 chapters here's my breakdown considering only content and premise.

Would I have read it?
I absolutely love Nicholas Cage so after reading the first chapter I would have given it a try without a doubt. The premise is cool, and first chapter is smooth and I understood what was happening and had some expectations. However, I likely would skim-read or pause indefinitely after he gets caught.

Do I believe the world?
At first I was hooked. The world made sense in a weird way. Maybe too much anime watching. But then I started to feel a little bit of my suspension of disbelief slipping. This started with the post-casino scene with the jumper. What went wrong here? It just felt wrong. I read it again a few times and I don't understand the criminality of their actions. And it all stemmed from this: cheating at a casino.

It is a very popular theme in these super power modern settings and I love it the casino is a classy location. However what always confuses me is how the cheating is done and why its illegal. Counting cards is not illegal. You will possibly get kicked out or your winnings be held, and potentially the casino owner is King Pin and he will beat you to near death. Then I asked myself is the MC counting cards? Not technically. He is using future knowledge to know what the next card is. This is a gray area in my opinion. At worst he is commiting the crime of using his powers which I can believe. However, this belief broke when we meet another seer.

Does the power make sense as described?
Face value the power is very well thought through. My fixation on Nicholas Cage's movie Next gave me some expectations and they were delivered very well. Reasonable limitation, clear scope of power, and significant drawbacks. I want to talk about the whole system before coming back to Seers.

The power system as a whole makes sense. It draws a lot on various works without feeling too samey. People resorting to crime with their powers makes sense, and adults exploiting children also makes sense. There seemed to be a lot of parallels with MHA but there's nothing wrong with that, I think the author was very close to what would happen if society started developing abilities. System checks out.

Seers. They worked until we meet the fed seer. First impression to the interaction between seers made perfect sense. Infinite possibilities overlapping to create an impossible blur. Why does it feel so wrong though? Well that was when I reread this chapter and realized it. Watching video footage works with a seers ability? This is a major blindspot in the world building.

I thought maybe the world hadn't really figured out how to deal with seers, but the scratchers line made that invalid. Why stop to limiting only scratchers? Dealers can take their time at black jack, requiring a minutes between a single person getting a new card. In a table of 4 letting each person hit once sequentially would easily create a minute gap between people. But this is the least they can do to protect their assets. What the heck do I do about the seer video footage blindspot?

I understand there's a psychological aspect to seers, but is there really no one that thought to hire seers for security? This seems pretty easy because of how low effort the job would be.

"Hey kid, watch the cameras, scene changes every minute, whenever you lose your sight, write it down. You get paid hourly and a bonus for each seer you catch." Wait its even easier. Hire them as a door greeter. Every single person would be vetted. The only downside of the second option is more variations being in a public space so more mentally disarming.

Does the Main Character feel like one?
This is a difficult one to assess with few chapters but from what I felt so far, this seems like it could be about anyone. There doesnt feel like there's any factor that makes me think "yes thats the main character." And what I mean is there's nothing unique about him other than being a seer. In the Gone series by Michael Grant, the main character feels like the main character not because his power is unique or remarkable, but because he has a responsibility a 15 year old shouldn't need. He makes heroic decisions that go against his nature. From what I read, this main character is more like Nicholas Cage from Next, he wants to lie low, live his life, be a half-baked las Vegas magician, but even still he intervenes and makes selfless decisions before being caught. He has a sense of honor despite being a rogue petty theif with a super power.

So far the only reason this character is the main character is because the journal and the perspective. There aren't any significant character defining aspects to them that really make me root for, roll my eyes, reprimand. I dont really care about him in anyway except as a vehicle to learn more about this world.

Speaking of the journal. It was cool at first but got really distracting after a while. Feels like its pretending to not be a lore dump when it is. I'd rather learn about his traumas through actions and dialogue rather than a journal.

Overall rating: 3.5/5
World rating: 3.0/5
Main character rating: 1.0/5
Power system rating: 4.5/5
Grammar and Flow rating: 4.0/5

Should you keep writing this story?
A Goldship dropkick to the face certified idea. It's good for the right reader and a has much potential.

 

[NoFcuksGiven]

Hello~ I gave it a read up to 10 chapters here's my breakdown considering only content and premise.

Would I have read it?
I absolutely love Nicholas Cage so after reading the first chapter I would have given it a try without a doubt. The premise is cool, and first chapter is smooth and I understood what was happening and had some expectations. However, I likely would skim-read or pause indefinitely after he gets caught.

Do I believe the world?
At first I was hooked. The world made sense in a weird way. Maybe too much anime watching. But then I started to feel a little bit of my suspension of disbelief slipping. This started with the post-casino scene with the jumper. What went wrong here? It just felt wrong. I read it again a few times and I don't understand the criminality of their actions. And it all stemmed from this: cheating at a casino.

It is a very popular theme in these super power modern settings and I love it the casino is a classy location. However what always confuses me is how the cheating is done and why its illegal. Counting cards is not illegal. You will possibly get kicked out or your winnings be held, and potentially the casino owner is King Pin and he will beat you to near death. Then I asked myself is the MC counting cards? Not technically. He is using future knowledge to know what the next card is. This is a gray area in my opinion. At worst he is commiting the crime of using his powers which I can believe. However, this belief broke when we meet another seer.

Does the power make sense as described?
Face value the power is very well thought through. My fixation on Nicholas Cage's movie Next gave me some expectations and they were delivered very well. Reasonable limitation, clear scope of power, and significant drawbacks. I want to talk about the whole system before coming back to Seers.

The power system as a whole makes sense. It draws a lot on various works without feeling too samey. People resorting to crime with their powers makes sense, and adults exploiting children also makes sense. There seemed to be a lot of parallels with MHA but there's nothing wrong with that, I think the author was very close to what would happen if society started developing abilities. System checks out.

Seers. They worked until we meet the fed seer. First impression to the interaction between seers made perfect sense. Infinite possibilities overlapping to create an impossible blur. Why does it feel so wrong though? Well that was when I reread this chapter and realized it. Watching video footage works with a seers ability? This is a major blindspot in the world building.

I thought maybe the world hadn't really figured out how to deal with seers, but the scratchers line made that invalid. Why stop to limiting only scratchers? Dealers can take their time at black jack, requiring a minutes between a single person getting a new card. In a table of 4 letting each person hit once sequentially would easily create a minute gap between people. But this is the least they can do to protect their assets. What the heck do I do about the seer video footage blindspot?

I understand there's a psychological aspect to seers, but is there really no one that thought to hire seers for security? This seems pretty easy because of how low effort the job would be.

"Hey kid, watch the cameras, scene changes every minute, whenever you lose your sight, write it down. You get paid hourly and a bonus for each seer you catch." Wait its even easier. Hire them as a door greeter. Every single person would be vetted. The only downside of the second option is more variations being in a public space so more mentally disarming.

Does the Main Character feel like one?
This is a difficult one to assess with few chapters but from what I felt so far, this seems like it could be about anyone. There doesnt feel like there's any factor that makes me think "yes thats the main character." And what I mean is there's nothing unique about him other than being a seer. In the Gone series by Michael Grant, the main character feels like the main character not because his power is unique or remarkable, but because he has a responsibility a 15 year old shouldn't need. He makes heroic decisions that go against his nature. From what I read, this main character is more like Nicholas Cage from Next, he wants to lie low, live his life, be a half-baked las Vegas magician, but even still he intervenes and makes selfless decisions before being caught. He has a sense of honor despite being a rogue petty theif with a super power.

So far the only reason this character is the main character is because the journal and the perspective. There aren't any significant character defining aspects to them that really make me root for, roll my eyes, reprimand. I dont really care about him in anyway except as a vehicle to learn more about this world.

Speaking of the journal. It was cool at first but got really distracting after a while. Feels like its pretending to not be a lore dump when it is. I'd rather learn about his traumas through actions and dialogue rather than a journal.

Overall rating: 3.5/5
World rating: 3.0/5
Main character rating: 1.0/5
Power system rating: 4.5/5
Grammar and Flow rating: 4.0/5

Should you keep writing this story?
A Goldship dropkick to the face certified idea. It's good for the right reader and a has much potential.

First of all, thank you very much for giving my work a try. At first, I basically wrote it without much planning or outlining and just let my imagination run wild, so I didn't necessarily expect it to be good. I'm delighted that you consider it to not be completely terrible and that there is still some promise to the story. Thank you, you have brighten my day.

As for some of the counter-points to you argument:

First, I can imagine playing blackjack with the one-minute delay rule can make the game feel slow and thus boring, thereby making it not very viable for a casino business. However, you did raise a good point on the "four people on a table" thing, which can potentially overcome Noah's foresight time-limit. Perhaps we could just say that he tends to go to tables with a little people as possible so that the cycling of the cards takes shorter time. I'll keep that in mind in case I ever need to do a rewrite.

Second, in this world, if you're a Seer-type Helix, you basically become either a good guy or a bad guy. If you're a good guy, you tend to go work for the HCU, either as a federal agent or a stock watcher. In this world, stockwatchers are Seer-types who keeps track of all the people day-trading on the stock market to make sure there aren't Seer-type fraudsters among them. A few percentage of Seer-types do work for casino security, but it's basically a high-demand, low supply kind of thing, making it so that some casinos just don't have a Seer-type watcher overwatching it 24/7. Plus, the financial incentive is not as compelling: why protect a casino when you can try to rob it and possibly end up making a lot more money in the process? It's possible that Noah might have run into a few Seer-type watchers during his career, he'll just go to the casinos that don't and he is able to learn from experience and gut instinct as to which ones do and which ones don't. Interesting idea to expand upon if I ever decide to do a rewrite.

Third, I intend for Noah to be a bit unlikable at the start. Given his traumatic past, he's likely going to be a bit cynical and antisocial because it make sense for that character. Plus, I intend for him to start as an unlikable character that gradually become more likeable as the story progresses, thus creating a character arc where he learns to be less cynical and less antisocial. Even so, I can see how Noah can feel a bit underdeveloped without the journal entries to flesh him out. I can also see how the implementation of the journal section can be a bit distracting. I'll see how I can improve upon it if I ever do a rewrite.

Overall, thank you for your feedback. I really appreciate it.

 

[VenerableOne]

I think there is a really easy way to enhance the beginning of the story. Make him escape the first attempt at catching him, or make this be the first time they succeeded with some level of recognition between the characters. He's eating his breakfast when the feds show up. He doesnt even react. He knows hes finally caught. But he wants to finish his breakfast. Maybe he even scolds the lady for interrupting his meal. "Let me finish breakfast." This sort of cat and mouse relationship that happened before the start of the story would make the reader exited. This is someone who just wants to eat his gdamn American style breakfast. He has accepted that he cant run anymore, which makes the offer to join the government even more appealing since he assumed jail was his only choice.
This could even be a great opportunity to reveal his inner psychology. He doesnt start eating until the feds show up. "Finally, ive been waiting for you." He looks down at his breakfast. His seer vision is blocked. "I can finally enjoy it without knowing what it will taste like."
Why is he unliked? Why is he antisocial? Because people hate him. Maybe they don't say it directly... in a few thousand instances. But what about the other millions of times they do? The curse of knowing. Food tastes bland because he has experienced it millions of times before even getting a single bite in. Joy is dulled because he sees it. The only time he can even slightly enjoy himself is when hes under the influence of drugs. Thats sad. Thats something I can empathize with. I like a character who just wants peace.

 

[Moonlit_Quill]

https://www.scribblehub.com/series/1825925/helix/

I basically wrote this story on a whim. Just cranking it about a chapter a day. Don't know if it's worth continuing or not. Any feedback would be appreciated.

Hey, I gave the first 10 chapters a try since that seems to be the norm here. My thoughts below:

Your story really surprised me in a good way. Noah’s precognition works more like psychological torture than the usual power fantasy, and that detail makes the writing stand out. The idea of experiencing future pain over and over feels raw and different from the usual trope.

The way you set up the institution also works well. The color-coded hierarchy, suppression tech, and “rehabilitation” angle feel believable because they mirror how power structures actually function in real life. You clearly thought about how the system itself would trap and control people.

One thing I think could be improved is the dialogue. Some of the classroom scenes read stiff, almost like a manual. Also, the anime references fit Noah’s character but there are so many that they start to pull me out of the story.

What I like most is that you didn’t rush Noah’s growth. He’s still medicating, still isolating himself, and still convinced he’s broken. That restraint makes me believe you’re not going to hand him an easy redemption arc, and that’s refreshing.

The backstory with his father was another strong part. It hit hard without feeling cheap. A kid being used for illegal trading, and watching his mother die in a future he could see but couldn’t stop... that’s the kind of trauma that doesn’t heal through inspirational speeches.

Honestly, I think you should keep going with this. The genre needs more stories that actually dig into what powers would do to damaged people instead of pretending they’re a cure-all. You’re asking harder questions than most superhero fiction even tries to.

And one last thing... please don’t sand down Noah’s edges just to make him “likable.” The roughness and honesty in his character are what make the story worth following.

 

[NoFcuksGiven]

Hey, I gave the first 10 chapters a try since that seems to be the norm here. My thoughts below:

Your story really surprised me in a good way. Noah’s precognition works more like psychological torture than the usual power fantasy, and that detail makes the writing stand out. The idea of experiencing future pain over and over feels raw and different from the usual trope.

The way you set up the institution also works well. The color-coded hierarchy, suppression tech, and “rehabilitation” angle feel believable because they mirror how power structures actually function in real life. You clearly thought about how the system itself would trap and control people.

One thing I think could be improved is the dialogue. Some of the classroom scenes read stiff, almost like a manual. Also, the anime references fit Noah’s character but there are so many that they start to pull me out of the story.

What I like most is that you didn’t rush Noah’s growth. He’s still medicating, still isolating himself, and still convinced he’s broken. That restraint makes me believe you’re not going to hand him an easy redemption arc, and that’s refreshing.

The backstory with his father was another strong part. It hit hard without feeling cheap. A kid being used for illegal trading, and watching his mother die in a future he could see but couldn’t stop... that’s the kind of trauma that doesn’t heal through inspirational speeches.

Honestly, I think you should keep going with this. The genre needs more stories that actually dig into what powers would do to damaged people instead of pretending they’re a cure-all. You’re asking harder questions than most superhero fiction even tries to.

And one last thing... please don’t sand down Noah’s edges just to make him “likable.” The roughness and honesty in his character are what make the story worth following.

Thank you very much for your feedback. That gave me motivation to continue this story just a bit more. Lately, I've been trying to come up with stories that have new and refreshing ideas or new interpretations of old ideas. However, there are times where I have considered abandoning the story due to it not getting enough attention or earning me enough money on Patreon (I hate to sound like one of those guys who only cares about money. And while that's not entirely true, I do have bills to pay, you know. Just like everyone else.)

The current market has been oversaturated with genres such as isekai, litrpgs, and cultivation. Not that I blame them, people like what they like. I once tried writing in that particular market but that endeavor wasn't necessarily as successful as I'd hoped. And since I found no success in following the market trend, I might as well do my own thing for a change, you know.

Sometimes, I feel like no matter what I write, no matter how good my writing is, people are never going to notice my work and effort. Although I do not write purely for recognition, it does help motivate me into continue writing. And you have no idea how uplifting to hear someone say that my story is not complete trash and that there is some potential to be had here.

Again, thank you for your feedback, I greatly appreciate it.

 

[Moonlit_Quill]

Thank you very much for your feedback. That gave me motivation to continue this story just a bit more. Lately, I've been trying to come up with stories that have new and refreshing ideas or new interpretations of old ideas. However, there are times where I have considered abandoning the story due to it not getting enough attention or earning me enough money on Patreon (I hate to sound like one of those guys who only cares about money. And while that's not entirely true, I do have bills to pay, you know. Just like everyone else.)

The current market has been oversaturated with genres such as isekai, litrpgs, and cultivation. Not that I blame them, people like what they like. I once tried writing in that particular market but that endeavor wasn't necessarily as successful as I'd hoped. And since I found no success in following the market trend, I might as well do my own thing for a change, you know.

Sometimes, I feel like no matter what I write, no matter how good my writing is, people are never going to notice my work and effort. Although I do not write purely for recognition, it does help motivate me into continue writing. And you have no idea how uplifting to hear someone say that my story is not complete trash and that there is some potential to be had here.

Again, thank you for your feedback, I greatly appreciate it.

I hear the frustration about Patreon. Zero supporters feels personal (I know, this is my situation too), like confirmation that the work doesn't matter. But it's just data about where you're starting, not where you'll end up. Most creators build audiences slowly over years of consistent work, not overnight with their first project.

The market observations about webtoons and oversaturation are valid. But I wonder if you're using them to protect yourself from the vulnerability of finishing something and putting it out there fully. It's safer to say "the market's wrong for this" than to complete it and risk rejection.

You have built something with genuine depth.

Ten chapters of solid work already done. That foundation exists. The question isn't whether the market will notice right away, it's whether you believe the story deserves to exist independent of immediate validation.

Finishing one complete story would give you something concrete to build from. Right now you're working from theories about why things won't succeed rather than actual completed work. That keeps you stuck in possibility instead of reality.

You have the skill. The writing shows that clearly. What if you gave yourself permission to finish this one, just to see what it feels like to complete something you started? Not for Patreon numbers or market trends, but because you built something worth finishing.