Sure, buddy! Here are my thoughts
Prologue
This is an action scene so maybe make the sentences shorter, more abrupt, and descriptive to carry the tone of urgency. For example, instead of saying "Fresh blood dripped from her sword, evidence of the creatures she had fought off ...", you could say "Fresh blood was dripping from her sword. Scratches and cuts marred deep into her skin. She ran panting and heaving. She was trying to lose the creatures she had just fought off in the tangled underbrush. But her pursuers were relentless." Clauses and asides distract from urgency, I believe, and shorter sentences tend to add more emphasis and immediacy to a scene. Even though "but" isn't grammatically correct to start a sentence, writing it like this makes it seem more panicked, I think.
"The trail of death created by her hand made the smell that lingered with her unmistakable." I love this line. Well done.
"As she ran, the woman threw a row of knives that hit five of the creatures in the head, killing them instantly." I feel like you could write it so that she just throws the knives and then we notice the creatures suddenly falling out of the trees or something? I feel like it would make it feel more "cinematic", if you get what I mean?
When she throws the Blaze potion, is she in a forest? Wouldn't that make the forest go up in fire in that part? You might describe that past blazing wall, if so, because it might add intensity to the scene. (I felt it was a forest because you said she was in tangled underbrush and swinging through branches.)
Oh! I love how the rock slides off alerting her!
Wait, are the foes supposed to be big and scary or little guys? I got the little guy vibe. I think it might be because there was no description of their carnage or any effect left by them, and also they were killed off easily. If little guys, then good good :)
The creatures aren't really described at all, so they don't hold much "physical weight" for me mentally yet, if you get what I mean?
There's times my brain gets confused and I feel like Sasha is referring to herself, but then I realize its another woman. Not sure if that's just me.
Chapter 1
The sudden peaceful tonal whiplash starting the next chapter really feels almost spooky (not in a scary way) and commanding, like we're dealing with someone real important speaking! Awesome :)
"I know for a fact that none of you are losers. We win every day by having each other’s backs!”
"I know for a fact that none of you are losers because we win every day by having each other's backs!"" You might clean up this repetition unless that was intentional.
I love how you show she's the star player but saying it.
I feel like during the game you could show more instead just telling, especially the fans reactions.
That moment when Izzy says she has nothing to say to the other girl feels off because it read like she was panicked and then she suddenly becomes angry? Maybe it's just me.
Also, this girl talks about her family getting ruined from cancer so calmly.
You could say it just went into remission instead of "cancer-free". It might add more emotional tension to the scene. This other girl just seems to talk about her mom having cancer so matter-of-factly, so you might add whimpering, pauses in speech, emphasis, more slow moving descriptions of her voice and near tears, etc.
Maybe write "But what?" as "But what?!". Not sure if that helps or not, but I think it maybe does.
""But you disappeared without a word." I replied, my hurt seeping through.
"Yeah, because I didn’t have the strength to tell my best friend that my mom was dying!"" There's an exclamation point but it still feels so "matter-of-fact". Maybe add a pause and a wheeze or something to build tension?
You say she has emotion in her voice, but you don't show it, if you get what I mean.
Maybe break up the long lines so the reader doesn't read them so fast and they hit harder.
You got way better at urgency near the end with that sudden pain. Nicely written! I also like the tie-back to the rain.
Chapter 2
Nice use of heavy spacing between sentences to create more confused, dramatic feel. I do it myself too :)
I also like the dialog in this chapter.
Why is the creature trying to piece together what it's telling Izzy? I was confused by that. I suppose that was intentional?
Anyway, this is so far the best out of the three!
I hope my stream of consciousness review of each chapter helped :)
