[Feedback Wanted] My First LitRPG – What Do You Think?

[Sunny_Zylven]

Hi everyone! ? This is my first LitRPG novel, and I’ve just posted a few chapters so far. I’m super nervous but really eager to hear your thoughts!

Sultan Supremacy Sytem

Prince Altan Zafer, the weakest heir of the Zafer Empire, stood on the brink of death as his brother moved to seize the throne. The fight was hopelessly one-sided, and Altan was crushed within moments. In his fury, he called upon the prophetic visions that had haunted his dreams. When...

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Please leave honest feedback on:
1. What you liked about the story
2. What you didn’t like
3. What you wish there was more of in the story (scenes, characters, worldbuilding, or anything else)
4. Characters (are they interesting and relatable?)
5. Pacing & plot (too slow or too fast?)
6. Any confusing or unclear parts

Even the smallest feedback means a lot to me. Thank you so much for reading and sharing your thoughts!

 

[YagiToshinori]

I like that your synopsis is short. Maybe:

Prince Altan Zafer, the weakest heir of the Empire, stood on the brink of death as his brother moved to seize the throne. Altan was crushed within moments. In his fury, he called upon the prophetic visions that had haunted his dreams. When death was near, the Sultan Supremacy System answered his plea, blessing him with the power to fulfill ancient prophecies and rise as the greatest sultan in history.

... just my opinion. Moving on to Chapter One ....

Cut some text, example: "the brunette prince with brown skin" I kinda figured he was Persian looking from the name. --> "the desert prince" or "the prince".

Do you write on your phone? It is super easy to write one sentence paragraphs on your phone. Sometimes, the similar thoughts like to hang out together and be friends, but on your phone that will look like a giant wall of text, and you will say, "AH HA! I shall break these giant paragraphs up!" You can do that, but give grouping them together a think.

I like when you had lots random people talking you didn't add in a "...the palace guard said" "...the other guy said" "...the guy from Cousin Avi's Bar Mitzvah said" "...his Mom said". That would be annoying and introduce people we don't care about. But maybe give this a try:

"Whoa! Did you see that thing?"
"Yeah, bro, I totally saw that cool thing!"
"I will also comment on that thing."
"That thing looks like Cousin Avi."

They're all talking at once, so maybe collapsing the line spaces might work out better. It clumps the text up and visually gives an impression that everyone is babbling over each other.

Looking good! Keep it up! Let's get Altan his revenge!

 

[Sunny_Zylven]

I like that your synopsis is short. Maybe:

Prince Altan Zafer, the weakest heir of the Empire, stood on the brink of death as his brother moved to seize the throne. Altan was crushed within moments. In his fury, he called upon the prophetic visions that had haunted his dreams. When death was near, the Sultan Supremacy System answered his plea, blessing him with the power to fulfill ancient prophecies and rise as the greatest sultan in history.

... just my opinion. Moving on to Chapter One ....

Cut some text, example: "the brunette prince with brown skin" I kinda figured he was Persian looking from the name. --> "the desert prince" or "the prince".

Do you write on your phone? It is super easy to write one sentence paragraphs on your phone. Sometimes, the similar thoughts like to hang out together and be friends, but on your phone that will look like a giant wall of text, and you will say, "AH HA! I shall break these giant paragraphs up!" You can do that, but give grouping them together a think.

I like when you had lots random people talking you didn't add in a "...the palace guard said" "...the other guy said" "...the guy from Cousin Avi's Bar Mitzvah said" "...his Mom said". That would be annoying and introduce people we don't care about. But maybe give this a try:

"Whoa! Did you see that thing?"
"Yeah, bro, I totally saw that cool thing!"
"I will also comment on that thing."
"That thing looks like Cousin Avi."

They're all talking at once, so maybe collapsing the line spaces might work out better. It clumps the text up and visually gives an impression that everyone is babbling over each other.

Looking good! Keep it up! Let's get Altan his revenge!

Thank You for Your Feedback!

Thank you for reading Chapter 1! Need to clarify a few things:

Setting misunderstanding: This is Ottoman-inspired fantasy, not Persian or Arabian. "Desert prince" doesn't fit since Altan was born in the Sultan's palace, and the Zafer Empire is much larger than a desert. Its territory spans 3 continents and the capital is not in a desert.

Multi-cultural terminology: Good observation about "Shahzade" being Persian! Yes, I intentionally use "Shahzade" (Persian origin) mixed with "Sultan" (Arabic origin) and Turkish names like Altan, Kagan, Tolga, Zafer. The Zafer Empire is deliberately multi-ethnic. They adopt terminology from various cultures.

Physical description matters: In a multi-ethnic empire, sultans have concubines from everywhere. Brown skin + amber eyes + brunette hair could be Spanish, Turkish, Arab, mixed heritage, anything! Can't assume ethnicity from names alone.

Dialogue: You complimented the massacre scene (no dialogue tags, chaotic effect) and then suggested using the same technique. looks like I was already on the right track there!"?

Thank you for the enthusiasm about Altan's story!

Additional note: Thank you for the suggestions on grouping sentences, cutting excessive text, and also the blurb suggestion.