So... let's start with the synopsis.
I wondered why, but you started with something like a quote.
There’s a vagueness in the wording that may makes it hard to grasp. You can convey the sense of an overwhelming presence of the unknown without repeating the idea of “something I don’t know” multiple times.
In the end, what are you trying to tell for this story? All I know is: "If I don't sleep at 3am a devil is going to hunt me and pull me to the demon realm."
The point of synopsis is that it gives you a rough idea on what you are going to read and expect from this story. Please give some thoughts about it.
1st chapter:
Please. The spacing. Reduce it. I spent 80% of the time just to scroll down. I used to have this error before and yes this sucks. Please think for your readers.
You started with a monologue. A damn long monologue. Well yes, you might thought it may seemed cool to go for a monologue and think about the psychological things about the world, but in reality, monologues are usually the duplication of your thoughts.
The painful thing of monologues is that it makes people nauseous. Like, why should I care about your monologue? What does this monologue have to do with your story? It's just some plain boring text that doesn't do anything but to wear down your concentration.
To make things worse, you spent 75% of the text talking about classes, equations, clubs, groceries. Ouch.
So finally, just when I thought the main dish is here, but yet you made a fatal error:
...I guess I don't need to explain why.
And all of the sudden, we are at the other side, just like that.
In conclusion:
A plain and simple text with no roller coaster rides. Even if you travelled to the other side, you got slashed just like that. If there's a graph for this, then it would look like this:
sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss __ (Slashed)
sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss |
sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss |
________________________________|
So here are your areas for Improvement:
- Pacing and Structure: The pacing feels a bit inconsistent, especially in the middle of the story. The section where Sakura reflects on history and truth is interesting but doesn’t seem to tie into the rest of the narrative as strongly as it could. It might be beneficial to focus on one or two central themes throughout the narrative rather than jumping between existential musings, school life, supernatural fears, and random dialogues. It feels like the story tries to juggle multiple things at once, and some of those ideas get lost in the mix.
- Coherence of the Plot: While the philosophical musings are deep, they don’t always serve the plot. It would be helpful to tie these ideas back to the unfolding mystery and danger more explicitly. The school and club scenes feel a little disconnected from the supernatural events at the end. The transition from a normal day at school to being trapped in a time loop with a bloody katana-wielding Jin feels sudden. The connection between the mundane and the extraordinary could be made clearer— maybe foreshadowing the strangeness earlier on would make the supernatural twist feel less abrupt.
- Character Consistency: Sakura’s intellectual and philosophical depth contrasts with her occasional naivety in the more casual parts of the story, like her interactions with Nina and her brother. These are interesting character contradictions, but sometimes it feels like she shifts between being very introspective and being overly dismissive or shallow without much explanation. A more consistent throughline for her internal conflict could help bring clarity to the character’s arc.
- Dialogue and Relationships: The dialogue, especially with Nina and Jin, can feel a bit too casual and sometimes too on-the-nose. Nina’s emotional theories about sleep are not particularly original, and the way Sakura shoots them down seems a bit too detached. There’s room to explore more nuance in these relationships—like Sakura’s actual emotional responses to Nina’s theories or Jin’s more cryptic role. Right now, they feel like exaggerated archetypes, and while that’s fine, it might help to make their interactions a bit more subtle or layered.
- Tone Shifts: There’s a tonal dissonance between some of the more introspective moments and the scenes that are more lighthearted or mundane. For instance, the philosophical musings in the beginning are deep and philosophical, while the school scenes feel more comical or detached. The tone shifts between deep reflections on existence and casual school life, which might throw readers off. Finding a way to balance those shifts more smoothly would strengthen the overall flow.
Suggestions (Maybe you can try my prologue, it's similar, but brings out tension):
- Tighten the narrative focus: Pick one or two central themes (like the fear of the unknown or the subjective nature of truth) and weave them consistently throughout the story. This will give the narrative more coherence and make the shifts between mundane and supernatural feel more natural.
- Foreshadow the supernatural elements: Introduce the mysterious elements earlier in the story, maybe in small ways—strange occurrences in Sakura’s environment, subtle hints in her philosophical thoughts that connect to the eventual horror or mystery.
- Make character dynamics more dynamic: Flesh out the relationships between characters with more nuanced dialogue and reactions. Instead of just having Sakura brush off Nina’s emotional theories, let her question or engage with them more—maybe she could be conflicted about Nina’s perspective, which would add depth to their dynamic.
- Balance tone and pacing: Consider refining the pacing, especially when transitioning from reflective monologues to action. If the tension is building in a supernatural direction, the moments of humor or casual observation might be cut back a little or integrated more smoothly.
Questions you can ask yourself:
- What triggered this feeling of unease?
- Has the character always felt this way, or is this a new sensation? Is there a specific event or incident that made them more aware of the unknown? Did something strange happen, like an unsettling dream or an odd experience at 3 am?
- What does the “unknown” represent?
- Is the fear of the unknown more existential (the fear of meaninglessness, death, or the unknown in the universe) or more tangible (something supernatural or paranormal)? What does the character think they’ll uncover once they face whatever "the unknown" is?
- What connection does the "devil’s hour" have to the protagonist?
- Is there a personal connection to the time of 3 am? Maybe they’ve had experiences during that hour, or it could be linked to a family legend or urban myth in their community. This would make the idea of it being more than a "lie" more grounded.
- What is "The other side" to the protagonist?
- What exactly does the character imagine "The other side" to be? Is it a metaphysical space, like an alternate reality, or something more spiritual or supernatural (such as the afterlife)? How does this concept tie into their fears? Does it align with their philosophical reflections on existence?
- What does the character fear might happen if they discover the truth?
- Is there a deeper fear about what discovering the unknown might do to them? Do they fear losing their sanity, understanding of reality, or even their sense of self? Or is it more of a fear that the truth might change everything they know about the world?
- How does the character cope with these feelings?
- Are they trying to ignore the sense of dread, or are they actively seeking answers? Do they try to push these feelings aside, or are they on the verge of confronting whatever lies in the "unknown"?
P.S. I would like to have a feedback for my work.
