Feedback Swap?

[ZannaYO]

It's called "Neko Gato." It's about a team of neko teens struggling to get along. It's a comedy split into a bunch of funny shorts.
Slice of life is definitely a genre

Hey! I gave your story a read. These are my thoughts. Hope they're helpful!


Okay, first off, this is written like a screenplay? Is that intentional? If so, it may be worth noting as such in your story description because if it comes as a surprise, it could alienate readers.

There are a few strange punctuation choices and minor spelling errors—"15s" instead of "15", and "Ys" instead of "Yes"—and when you are stating someone's age you usually say fifteen-years-old. Instead of "*perfection*" I think just italicizing this word would be better to express emphasis. Why are some character's names capitalised, while others aren't?

I like the humorous tone. It definitely reminds me of slice-of-life anime, I'm thinking of nichijou and Saiki-K. It's a fun, quick, lighthearted read with expressive characters. I enjoyed your use of descriptive language. It's definitely a niche genre though, especially for ScribbleHub. I think you will struggle to find dedicated readers if you also write it entirely in screenplay style.

Neko, sry that’s catgirls right?

It's an anime thing. Just refers to cat+people hybrids.

HELLO EVERYONE! Nice to meet you guys my name is Daniel Zeray and I am a new Author here! Always been my dream to become a famous author
I would like to introduce you guys my new novel! Which is called:
The White legacy Check it out Click on the link or click on my book cover! Read the first chapter and let me know if you enjoy it and if you do follow me for more content! rate me out of 5 stars!
I would also love to check out your novels! So send me the link to your novels.
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Hi, I read the first few chapters of your story. These are my thoughts.

First thing I noticed was that you wrote very well. Really clear progression and a good balance of exposition and prose. At times though, it felt like the narrator was someone other than Kido? Phrases like "in their world~" make it seem like the omniscient narrator is not from the same world. It felt a bit jarring.

The stakes are immediately clear and well explained. I do feel like I was only just starting to situate myself in the world when Marcus suddenly died. It was a bit abrupt, but that is also how tragedies go somtimes, so not necessarily a flaw. I think Lila seemed to go through all the stages of grief really fast. She was already talking about her husband in past tense by the end of that same day, this is a bit strange?

Chapter one ends on a good hook!

Okay, overall writing quality goes down a bit in chapter two. The second chapter changes tenses halfway through and becomes very confusing to follow. Could maybe do with more of an edit?

"His mom was so happy she started to cry…as Kido got closer to wipe the tears away his moms head got shot off an unknown person killed Lila. All over Kido’s face. “MOM!”" — huh?
This is way too abrupt and confusing. His mom just died, right? But the next few paragraphs are a conversation at school where Zara says he can focus on helping his mom at the store? This pacing is way too fast, it takes away all emotional stakes.

I also think Kido got powers and then started using them and learned they were really significant all within too short a time frame. It would have been better if the reader could live in those moments, each one, and watch his growth in a more gradual way.

Similar issues in chapter three. I was having trouble following and investing emotionally in the story, sorry.

 

[PurpleAkemi16]

Neko, sry that’s catgirls right?

Neko just stands for cat hybrid. M or F.
Masaru, jiji, and Kakashi are males.

Neko just stands for cat hybrid. M or F.
Masaru, jiji, and Kakashi are males.

Hey! I gave your story a read. These are my thoughts. Hope they're helpful!


Okay, first off, this is written like a screenplay? Is that intentional? If so, it may be worth noting as such in your story description because if it comes as a surprise, it could alienate readers.

There are a few strange punctuation choices and minor spelling errors—"15s" instead of "15", and "Ys" instead of "Yes"—and when you are stating someone's age you usually say fifteen-years-old. Instead of "*perfection*" I think just italicizing this word would be better to express emphasis. Why are some character's names capitalised, while others aren't?

I like the humorous tone. It definitely reminds me of slice-of-life anime, I'm thinking of nichijou and Saiki-K. It's a fun, quick, lighthearted read with expressive characters. I enjoyed your use of descriptive language. It's definitely a niche genre though, especially for ScribbleHub. I think you will struggle to find dedicated readers if you also write it entirely in screenplay style.

It's an anime thing. Just refers to cat+people hybrids.

Hi, I read the first few chapters of your story. These are my thoughts.

First thing I noticed was that you wrote very well. Really clear progression and a good balance of exposition and prose. At times though, it felt like the narrator was someone other than Kido? Phrases like "in their world~" make it seem like the omniscient narrator is not from the same world. It felt a bit jarring.

The stakes are immediately clear and well explained. I do feel like I was only just starting to situate myself in the world when Marcus suddenly died. It was a bit abrupt, but that is also how tragedies go somtimes, so not necessarily a flaw. I think Lila seemed to go through all the stages of grief really fast. She was already talking about her husband in past tense by the end of that same day, this is a bit strange?

Chapter one ends on a good hook!

Okay, overall writing quality goes down a bit in chapter two. The second chapter changes tenses halfway through and becomes very confusing to follow. Could maybe do with more of an edit?

"His mom was so happy she started to cry…as Kido got closer to wipe the tears away his moms head got shot off an unknown person killed Lila. All over Kido’s face. “MOM!”" — huh?
This is way too abrupt and confusing. His mom just died, right? But the next few paragraphs are a conversation at school where Zara says he can focus on helping his mom at the store? This pacing is way too fast, it takes away all emotional stakes.

I also think Kido got powers and then started using them and learned they were really significant all within too short a time frame. It would have been better if the reader could live in those moments, each one, and watch his growth in a more gradual way.

Similar issues in chapter three. I was having trouble following and investing emotionally in the story, sorry.

So i shouldn't write my story in screenplay format?

 

[ZannaYO]

Neko just stands for cat hybrid. M or F.
Masaru, jiji, and Kakashi are males.


So i shouldn't write my story in screenplay format?

Well, ultimately it's your choice, but I think it will be less popular in this format.

 

[PurpleAkemi16]

Well, ultimately it's your choice, but I think it will be less popular in this format.

Oh okay. Well thank you for the feedback!
I appreciate it

 

[PrimeCo35]

I'd be down for a feedback swap. It's pretty late right now so I'd try it tomorrow.

Mine's an alternate world, a mix of cyberpunk, cosmic horror, and fantasy elements. I only have one chapter, though.

 

[ZannaYO]

I'd be down for a feedback swap. It's pretty late right now so I'd try it tomorrow.

Mine's an alternate world, a mix of cyberpunk, cosmic horror, and fantasy elements. I only have one chapter, though.

I'd be happy to check it out, sure. But I've written feedback for four stories now, and only one person has given feedback in return. As long as you are willing to do a proper swap with effort on both ends, feel free to drop a link to your story and I will give it a read.

 

[Sora22]

Hiiii I'm a new author here ! I published my storyy today and I'd be really happy if you checked it out plss! Give me ur opinion ! Thank u!

The Life I’ve Dreamed Of

Mirai ,a girl who suffers from anxiety disorders and finds it difficult to deal with people. One day, she decides to return to her hometown, Nagoya, leaving her aunt's house in the countryside. Driven by only one reason, to meet again the same boy who saved her from a suicide...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[PrimeCo35]

I'd be happy to check it out, sure. But I've written feedback for four stories now, and only one person has given feedback in return. As long as you are willing to do a proper swap with effort on both ends, feel free to drop a link to your story and I will give it a read.

Sure! I'm mostly active in the evenings in case nothing pops up throughout the day. Here's my work: My First Series

 

[ZannaYO]

Sure! I'm mostly active in the evenings in case nothing pops up throughout the day. Here's my work: My First Series

Hey, I gave your first chapter a read. These are my thoughts.

Mushrooms and fungi make for a cool introduction to this world.

"She wonders: the place is being overrun by mushrooms, vines, and shrubs."
> This sentence punctuation is a bit weird. Maybe just say "she wonders if this place is being overrun by mushrooms, vines, and shrubs."

"Moss has overtaken most of the plaster, holding it together, chewing it up, and spitting it out for the fungi underneath to decompose." sick imagery, I love this

Okay, as I'm reading, I'm noticing you overuse semi-colons and colons. They're only sometimes necessary, usually a comma or an em-dash is more appropriate. I suggest reading up on each punctuation type to better understand what they should be used for.

"She hopes the question remains rhetorical; meeting whatever is causing this is dangerous in a Scavenger’s line of work."
> So I think you're trying to maintain a consistent present tense (which is good!) but sometimes present tense still uses past tense words when context requires it. "meeting whatever is causing this would be dangerous" makes more sense.

This is a pretty cool world, so far? Robots and mushrooms, a God of Ruin? Love the aesthetic.

Not sure what this "@-3-" is supposed to mean, or do? Usually to split scenes you would use "***" ?

"“Miss, a call from Ms. Andrea.” Lunabelle grabs her phone"
> who is speaking here?

The ending was intriguing, if a little confusingly worded. I wasn’t sure what was going on. When did she eat the poisoned fruit? The first paragraph is also a bit rushed and the ideas run into one another. Remember, every new idea should be its own paragraph.

 

[HouseDelarouxScribbles]

I'm still relatively new to ScribbleHub, but it seems like people don’t often leave reviews and only sometimes leave comments. I think a good work-around could be doing feedback/review swaps?

I like reading fantasy and slice of life type stories, and I appreciate expansive worldbuilding and character driven plots. Not interested in anything with heavy gore, tragedy, or incest. If you think your story fits this description, let's do a swap! If your story is very long, I'll probably just do the first few chapters (unless I really enjoy it, then I'll keep reading).

My story is a historical fantasy harem story set in a matriarchal (reverse) world. That said, it's very slow burn. The first and second chapters are written a little differently because I was still establishing the tone, but I think it stays consistent after that. I'll admit I'm not great at writing romance, but I'm trying my best and learning as I go. The actual harem content is actually what I'll be writing next.

Link to story: https://www.scribblehub.com/series/1686606/consorts-of-the-court/stats/

EDIT: I'll keep this to a maximum of about ten people, so if requests exceed that I may decline. Thank you.

I liked it. Its a very different approach from the 'moe slice-of-life' that I am interested in, and it falls more squarely in the 'palace drama' sort of story with more romance moments than intrigue. Short notes here: The romance is written well, I felt it quite a bit. I also somehow reached the end of where the author last left off with the two-in-one deal on her concubines! (laugh) So that's always a good sign it is interesting!

Spoiler: Longer Comments on Chapters

I think that the gem in this piece of work is that it does the theme of *'reverse world'* very well. I had to adjust my head and reread chapter 1 before I 'got' it though. Partly because when you mentioned it was a 'reverse harem' I thought it would be a girl having a whole bunch of girls in a harem and read the little inversions straight. Its only when the male concubine appears that it clicks into my mind that it works like a 'reverse morality' manga that I appreciate the little details within.

I especially like the moments where Moriya confers with her father and he explains how things work in the world, it works both as a little bit of humor as well as a bit of foreshadowing each time they confer with each other. It keeps the reader invested and reading because they 'wonder what other things are common in their world but uncommon (heh) in ours'!



The budding relationship between Yuuta and Moriya caught my eye; I think that the reluctance from Moriya and the softer side that Yuuta has makes this relationship work and their moments slip into each other without feeling forced. Its just good chemistry throughout that both are gentle souls in a slice-of-life kind of way. The writing is a good lesson to me to 'not force relationships in stories'.

I like also like all the little details. There is a sea of emotion in all the little actions that Moriya and Yuuta share (e.g waiting for the hand to brush the hair), and from Regent Sumi as well even though she is more of a background character with unknown regently motives. (e.g the foreign woman addresses Sumi first) I feel that the softness is very 'real' with no way to explain it. Its also surprisingly seiso for the subject matter, and I like that very much.



Something which might be a weakness in this work is that the work alternates between a weaker and stronger voice, one more passive to describe kingdomly events, and one more intimate and emotional when it comes to Moriya's personal life. I assume it is either because this tale is framed like a historical recount of Moriya's life, or even narrated by Moriya herself. While it reads far better once you are used to it, whenever the passive voice comes around it feels like I got transported into another genre in the 'historical palace drama' genre.

There's a small part in the early chapters where this is shown; its the part where the neighboring country has a border skirmish with Dyss. It feels really fast, and the jump seems a little sudden; a little better would be to hint that tensions were already high between the two states, rather than have the killing of a guard escalate immediately. 'Border skirmishes' hint this, but why not make this a long-running thing? The tax collection being a way to exert authority and push boundaries a little further. Minor detail since this is not the main focus; I also understand that if from Mori's perspective she should not know this detail, it was just a stake which jabbed at me on the side while I was reading really peacefully.

 

[ZannaYO]

I liked it. Its a very different approach from the 'moe slice-of-life' that I am interested in, and it falls more squarely in the 'palace drama' sort of story with more romance moments than intrigue. Short notes here: The romance is written well, I felt it quite a bit. I also somehow reached the end of where the author last left off with the two-in-one deal on her concubines! (laugh) So that's always a good sign it is interesting!

Spoiler: Longer Comments on Chapters

I think that the gem in this piece of work is that it does the theme of *'reverse world'* very well. I had to adjust my head and reread chapter 1 before I 'got' it though. Partly because when you mentioned it was a 'reverse harem' I thought it would be a girl having a whole bunch of girls in a harem and read the little inversions straight. Its only when the male concubine appears that it clicks into my mind that it works like a 'reverse morality' manga that I appreciate the little details within.

I especially like the moments where Moriya confers with her father and he explains how things work in the world, it works both as a little bit of humor as well as a bit of foreshadowing each time they confer with each other. It keeps the reader invested and reading because they 'wonder what other things are common in their world but uncommon (heh) in ours'!



The budding relationship between Yuuta and Moriya caught my eye; I think that the reluctance from Moriya and the softer side that Yuuta has makes this relationship work and their moments slip into each other without feeling forced. Its just good chemistry throughout that both are gentle souls in a slice-of-life kind of way. The writing is a good lesson to me to 'not force relationships in stories'.

I like also like all the little details. There is a sea of emotion in all the little actions that Moriya and Yuuta share (e.g waiting for the hand to brush the hair), and from Regent Sumi as well even though she is more of a background character with unknown regently motives. (e.g the foreign woman addresses Sumi first) I feel that the softness is very 'real' with no way to explain it. Its also surprisingly seiso for the subject matter, and I like that very much.



Something which might be a weakness in this work is that the work alternates between a weaker and stronger voice, one more passive to describe kingdomly events, and one more intimate and emotional when it comes to Moriya's personal life. I assume it is either because this tale is framed like a historical recount of Moriya's life, or even narrated by Moriya herself. While it reads far better once you are used to it, whenever the passive voice comes around it feels like I got transported into another genre in the 'historical palace drama' genre.

There's a small part in the early chapters where this is shown; its the part where the neighboring country has a border skirmish with Dyss. It feels really fast, and the jump seems a little sudden; a little better would be to hint that tensions were already high between the two states, rather than have the killing of a guard escalate immediately. 'Border skirmishes' hint this, but why not make this a long-running thing? The tax collection being a way to exert authority and push boundaries a little further. Minor detail since this is not the main focus; I also understand that if from Mori's perspective she should not know this detail, it was just a stake which jabbed at me on the side while I was reading really peacefully.

Thank you so much for this thoughtful feedback. I really appreciate it, and I'm glad you enjoyed my story.

I'm jotting down notes based off feedback I've got so far, and I plan on doing a bit of editing in the first few chapters soon. The tone thing is definitely something I could fix. When I first began this story, I was inspired by the manga "Ooku", and that used very historical, fable tone to recount events. This worked because in that maga there were a lot of time skips, and not a consistent main character. As I kept writing, this approach started to feel unsuited for the story I'm trying to tell. That's why the writing style changes a little later on.

I really like reverse world stories, so I was excited to try my hand at writing one. I often feel like I'm not very good at this genre though (irl, I'm actually a lesbian). I'm glad to hear the romance is working! Thank you for your encouragement, it really means a lot.

I'd love to return the favour if you have a story of yours that you'd recommend I read?

 

[HouseDelarouxScribbles]

Thank you so much for this thoughtful feedback. I really appreciate it, and I'm glad you enjoyed my story.

I'm jotting down notes based off feedback I've got so far, and I plan on doing a bit of editing in the first few chapters soon. The tone thing is definitely something I could fix. When I first began this story, I was inspired by the manga "Ooku", and that was used very historical, fable tone to recount events. This worked because in that maga there were a lot of time skips, and not a consistent main character. As I kept writing, this approach started to feel unsuited for the story I'm trying to tell. That's why the writing style changes a little later on.

I really like reverse world stories, so I was excited to try my hand at writing one. I often feel like I'm not very good at this genre though (irl, I'm actually a lesbian). I'm glad to hear the romance is working! Thank you for your encouragement, it really means a lot.

I'd love to return the favour if you have a story of yours that you'd recommend I read?

Oh hey, I'm glad that my comments are helpful! Reading through the synopsis for Ooku makes the writing style you were influenced by make sense; if the story is told through successive Shogunates, a 'historical scribe' feel would be needed to tell the story straight! If you are interested, why not take a look at a chapter or two of Hell's Theatre? I think it would be nice if you told me: "Did you laugh? :D" when reading the first chapter. Have fun, and thanks for reading!

Hell’s Theatre [Comedy · Slice-of-Life · Vtubers]

[AI Girls Who Want To Become Real Vtubers] Eclair Baudz, graduate of a prestigious arts school, finds herself working at a small theatre house to pay off a mountain of college debt! Not only that, her boss has this mad dream of teaching not one, but FIVE girls to become...

www.scribblehub.com