Feedback for Lilly: Story of a Girl

[Chloe_Bear]

Hi all I'm just looking to see what people think about the chapters I have already released of my book I want to be judged solely on the content of the story and will worry about grammar later.

 

[OliviaMyriad]

A link would be really helpful. Also, that title though. It's kind of plain, like it doesn't really tell me much...

 

[Chloe_Bear]

A link would be really helpful. Also, that title though. It's kind of plain, like it doesn't really tell me much...

Lilly the Witch and the Dark Coven

(Formerly Lilly: Story of a Girl) Lilly is a trans girl who is given the opportunity of her dreams by her English teacher who offers to use magic to turn her into her daughter and make it as if the world only knew her as a cis girl but after...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[Moctemma]

I read the first chapter, I suggest you put more space in your text. On the phone it's just a big wall of text, making it uncomfortable to read.

 

[Chloe_Bear]

I read the first chapter, I suggest you put more space in your text. On the phone it's just a big wall of text, making it uncomfortable to read.

Besides formating how does it read like is it interesting

 

[Moctemma]

Besides formating how does it read like is it interesting

I love magical girls, so I'm going to keep reading it. But for now I have only read the first chapter, and I don't know if you explored more or it isn't a problem anymore. So based only on the first chapter.

It needs more built up, I couldn't empathize with the MC because I haven't been in a similar situation. You could think of "show don't tell" that advice applies to the MC, there's no evidence to prove she(?) wouldn't be accepted by her parents or the girl, she said they wouldn't, the parents said they don't accept LGBT. Everything was said, and I didn't believe it; I have no reason to think it was a good choice to become the daughter of the teacher and leave her family.

Your dialogue was a bit stiff too, and kind of rushed. Giving me no clue about the characters personalities.

Imagine if instead of the news saying "someone" beat that person in the bar, it was treated as just a fight and the father reveals it was him who fought, and the person belonged to the LGBT community, and the mother congratulating him. Then you showed us the fear the MC feels if she ever reveals the truth. And showing a memory of the crush talking shit about trans people, or just some mean comments that are unintentional. Then accepting the teacher offer would made more sense, and we the readers would support that choice.
Also the teacher should have seen or know the father's ideology, or talk more with the MC and fully understand the circumstances; it would made a lot of difference and the perception would switch from "She's helping herself and using the MC" to "She's helping the MC and is someone who we can trust."

I hope this helps

 

[Moctemma]

I also recommend you this video and channel, it shows how some little dialogue helps us understand the characters.

 

[Chloe_Bear]

I love magical girls, so I'm going to keep reading it. But for now I have only read the first chapter, and I don't know if you explored more or it isn't a problem anymore. So based only on the first chapter.

It needs more built up, I couldn't empathize with the MC because I haven't been in a similar situation. You could think of "show don't tell" that advice applies to the MC, there's no evidence to prove she(?) wouldn't be accepted by her parents or the girl, she said they wouldn't, the parents said they don't accept LGBT. Everything was said, and I didn't believe it; I have no reason to think it was a good choice to become the daughter of the teacher and leave her family.

Your dialogue was a bit stiff too, and kind of rushed. Giving me no clue about the characters personalities.

Imagine if instead of the news saying "someone" beat that person in the bar, it was treated as just a fight and the father reveals it was him who fought, and the person belonged to the LGBT community, and the mother congratulating him. Then you showed us the fear the MC feels if she ever reveals the truth. And showing a memory of the crush talking shit about trans people, or just some mean comments that are unintentional. Then accepting the teacher offer would made more sense, and we the readers would support that choice.
Also the teacher should have seen or know the father's ideology, or talk more with the MC and fully understand the circumstances; it would made a lot of difference and the perception would switch from "She's helping herself and using the MC" to "She's helping the MC and is someone who we can trust."

I hope this helps

Honestly, I was coming at it from the standpoint that the MC grew up with the parents and they know the parent's behavior and also later in the story we get some memory/dream sequences that show the parents being bastards. also, I included the bit of the teacher's sister being trans and their parents not supporting her and losing the sister because of it and not wanting Lilly to do the same. also, I think I put in a bit of dialog where she was a teacher of Lillys older sister who also is LGBT so the teacher already knows about the father's behavior. as for the crush part for me, I wrote it as the fact that this is the only person she has in her life and is afraid of losing her because of being trans its a fear that most trans people I talked to have and even though the person might be accepting its still a fear to come out and potentially lose a friend. I hope these points don't hurt the book negatively

 

[Moctemma]

I don't think such topics would hurt the book negatively, but the problem is this, people don't always do what they say, don't mean what they say, don't believe what they say.

We readers know that the teacher lost her sister (the hints tell me she committed suicide), so of course she'll help someone in the same situation. Now how do WE know the teacher knows he is in the same situation, I don't mean being trans, I mean that his life is in danger. We don't even know what he wrote, if he just wrote "I want to be a girl" then offering to make him a girl that day on the spot makes no sense. If he wrote "I want to be a girl, I feel scared of what would happen if people found I'm trans, what would I do if my parents leave me on the street? I can't even confess my love to the girl I like, but if I became a woman, I'll be the most happy in the world." It has more weight, it's a good reason for the teacher to make a move, and we readers understand the MC more.

Do you get what I'm talking about, just showing us what he wrote would make a lot of difference. I understand everything is in your head and it makes sense. You know, the characters know, but the readers? We don't know how long has he been her student, if the teacher already met the parents, if she likes the MC enough to make him her daughter, if the MC could have continued another year hiding his identity or he was one step from breaking, we simply don't know. Of course there are things we know, the MC is trans, his crush is probably a lesbian girl, the teacher has magic, the teacher lost her sister, the parents reject LGBT people.

It would improve your novel a lot if you show the readers more, not only having the characters say it, we need to see them feeling it and reacting to it.
Why the need to do that?
Because I'm not trans, I can't understand the characters with the little information you show, you tell a lot but it has no meaning as I don't have the experience (no friends or people I met being trans). So far it may be a great read to people in a similar situation, but it can also be a great read to everyone if we can sympathize with the characters more.