Can I get some real feedback?

[Roney]

So I am a new writer. By new I mean I just writing around a month ago. I used to always come up with plotlines that I would tell my friends and families but never did anything with them until now. I decided to go with a easier plot to start my writing journey.

After writing for more than a month with my only real reader being my friend I finally decided to publish my story and would love some real feedback from an external party. Im worried that there is too much dialogue. And not sure about the pace either

Strongest Mage in History

Genre: Magic, Fantasy.

Also I wanted to know if the Content Warning is appropriate or its unnecessary.

Thanks in advance. ?

 

[WhaleSprite]

I'm not sure if I'm right. I think the warning is good for the prologue.

But your story at least to me seems pretty good so far. I like the premise of the prologue talking about how a mage doesn't feel the weight of the lives he takes as deeply as other kinds of people would.

But the two characters introduced so far seem pretty interesting. Keep up the good work (:

 

[Roney]

I'm not sure if I'm right. I think the warning is good for the prologue.

But your story at least to me seems pretty good so far. I like the premise of the prologue talking about how a mage doesn't feel the weight of the lives he takes as deeply as other kinds of people would.

But the two characters introduced so far seem pretty interesting. Keep up the good work (:

Thank you for your kind words. Can I ask if you think whether its too dialogue heavy? Should I just move on with the plot instead of including so much chat?

 

[Yuin]

Okay, this caught my eye so here’s a quick one:

- The storyline is very solid. There’s a mini climax and suspense in each chapter, and the writing is also well done. The description of the place, along with the engaging dialogue from the orc, creates a strong impression of the world.
- The goal of the character is clear from the start, despite the inexplicable connection between the two characters.
To answer your concerns: the pacing is just right and the dialogues show the characters’ personalities. However, there is a bigger problem…
Here are some of the issues I picked up while reading:
- I think it would be better if you separated the personal thoughts into a new paragraph, because the sudden shift in pronouns is a bit jarring.
- “Too clean, too clean for this establishment.” okay, that’s a bit repetitive.
- [He said, his voice, its earlier thickness from the alcohol was gone, replaced by a focused clarity.] Rephrase this as: “…” he said. His voice, once thick with alcohol had cleared, replaced by a focused clarity.
- [“Nia Fahari.” Replied Nia.] Use a comma and lowercase “replied”: “Nia Fahari,” replied Nia. (There are also similar errors later in the chapter.)
- “So much potential” is repeated 4 times. You can imply the significance without using the same phrase again and again.
- Also, there are punctuation issues in the dialogue.
- [hands!” exclaimed] Capitalise the ‘E’ in Exclaimed.
- [Come. Let us fetch you a healing potion.”] Missing a closing inverted comma (“).
- [The man – Edrick – sighed] You can just use his name
- [shouts], [increases] These should be in past tense
- [Without turning around Nia shouts. “Leave me alone”.] Change to: Without turning around, Nia shouted, “Leave me alone!”
- Okay yeah, so great work! You’ve turned a generic mage story into something unique and I don’t wait to see where their relationship would go!

 

[WhaleSprite]

Thank you for your kind words. Can I ask if you think whether its too dialogue heavy? Should I just move on with the plot instead of including so much chat?

I mean I don't think it's too dialogue heavy, personally. Of course I'm someone who's okay with dialogue as long as there a slight breaks in-between and it's not being used as a tool to info dump.

 

[Roney]

Okay, this caught my eye so here’s a quick one:

- The storyline is very solid. There’s a mini climax and suspense in each chapter, and the writing is also well done. The description of the place, along with the engaging dialogue from the orc, creates a strong impression of the world.
- The goal of the character is clear from the start, despite the inexplicable connection between the two characters.
To answer your concerns: the pacing is just right and the dialogues show the characters’ personalities. However, there is a bigger problem…
Here are some of the issues I picked up while reading:
- I think it would be better if you separated the personal thoughts into a new paragraph, because the sudden shift in pronouns is a bit jarring.
- “Too clean, too clean for this establishment.” okay, that’s a bit repetitive.
- [He said, his voice, its earlier thickness from the alcohol was gone, replaced by a focused clarity.] Rephrase this as: “…” he said. His voice, once thick with alcohol had cleared, replaced by a focused clarity.
- [“Nia Fahari.” Replied Nia.] Use a comma and lowercase “replied”: “Nia Fahari,” replied Nia. (There are also similar errors later in the chapter.)
- “So much potential” is repeated 4 times. You can imply the significance without using the same phrase again and again.
- Also, there are punctuation issues in the dialogue.
- [hands!” exclaimed] Capitalise the ‘E’ in Exclaimed.
- [Come. Let us fetch you a healing potion.”] Missing a closing inverted comma (“).
- [The man – Edrick – sighed] You can just use his name
- [shouts], [increases] These should be in past tense
- [Without turning around Nia shouts. “Leave me alone”.] Change to: Without turning around, Nia shouted, “Leave me alone!”
- Okay yeah, so great work! You’ve turned a generic mage story into something unique and I don’t wait to see where their relationship would go!

Omg thank you so much. I thought using grammarly meant that my texts wouldnt have grammatical issues but it seems I was wrong. I will keep these points during the revision and for future chapters. ?

I mean I don't think it's too dialogue heavy, personally. Of course I'm someone who's okay with dialogue as long as there a slight breaks in-between and it's not being used as a tool to info dump.

Ah okay ill try to keep that in mind