I have trouble with hooks and currently open to feedback swaps.

[Trashcat]

I'm a new writer, and I am having issues attracting readers. It could be the type of story, or it could be website visibility, but despite my writing, rewriting, countless edits, and trying to advertise, I'm still stuck in the shadows, cursed to drown in the abyss. Apologies for being overdramatic, but I would love to do some feedback swaps. Chapter for chapter swaps, especially the first chapter. I only have 3 chapters up so far. The novel is completed, and it will be gradually uploaded once I'm done with another round of edits. Please give honest feedback, and I will do the same for you.

---

Title: Rhythm of Rampage

Synopsis:
Rhythm of Rampage follows an eccentric nameless man with fractured memories, who becomes ensnared in a spiraling web of misfortune. where he encounters monsters and even more menacing hybrid creatures with special abilities, many of whom hide in plain sight, masquerading as ordinary humans. His journey through the city of Ravenhide brings to light the dark past that he had left behind, the obscured memories of many lives lived, the lives that made him into what he is now. A twisty, dark, and mysterious trek into the unknown sprinkled with rhymes.

 

[Humanistheart]

Yeah I'd guess its the lack of chapters. I'd suggest getting into a groove where you publish every Monday or what have you. Consistency and chapter quantity seems to help attract people.
That said, I am curious about these hybrid creatures you mention. I think I'd be down for a feedback swap if you want.

 

[Trashcat]

Yeah I'd guess its the lack of chapters. I'd suggest getting into a groove where you publish every Monday or what have you. Consistency and chapter quantity seems to help attract people.
That said, I am curious about these hybrid creatures you mention. I think I'd be down for a feedback swap if you want.

That's great, just read as much as you're comfortable with and I'll do the same. Updates are slow because Im doing another round of edits, but I'll try to update consistently.

 

[Humanistheart]

That's great, just read as much as you're comfortable with and I'll do the same. Updates are slow because Im doing another round of edits, but I'll try to update consistently.

Will do! And I hear you, the editing is important for final product. For me too I have an extended Universe and I want to focus on other stories but unfortunately only one of them has gathered a following, so I'm disproportionately focusing on that one now to keep momentum. ?‍
Oh, links in my signature btw.

 

[Bartun]

Carry on, fellow writer!

Just wanted to point out that in part of the second chapter and the entirety of the third one, the text is really dark and difficult to read. This is evident when using dark mode; in light mode, there aren't any issues, but you might want to check it. Maybe is just a text color issue.

 

[Trashcat]

Will do! And I hear you, the editing is important for final product. For me too I have an extended Universe and I want to focus on other stories but unfortunately only one of them has gathered a following, so I'm disproportionately focusing on that one now to keep momentum. ?‍
Oh, links in my signature btw.

I've lost count of the number of times I've edited the story, but yes, it's better to polish one before branching out to others. My feedback for you will be up soon

Carry on, fellow writer!

Just wanted to point out that in part of the second chapter and the entirety of the third one, the text is really dark and difficult to read. This is evident when using dark mode; in light mode, there aren't any issues, but you might want to check it. Maybe is just a text color issue.

I'll look into the text thing, probably need to remove the formatting. Thank you for the reads and likes, it makes me happy. I'll have yours done soon too.

 

[Humanistheart]

Well, one chapter in and I'm interested enough to read more. Just some initial thoughts on chp 1:

I'm not an English major but when the mystery knight speaks you break up the sentences by row, and don't always put things in parentheses:

Leave her be, There is still time to flee,

Run now dear dimwits, Before you regret it."

I'd just make that one row and be sure to start the quotation with "
Leave her be, There is still time to flee, run now dear dimwits, before you regret it."

I'm curious to see if there's a reason he always rhymes. Like maybe a demon thing like Etrigon?

I also feel this guy had too fast a turnaround given the feel of your story.
"The drunk who had previously passed out approached him. "It's fine, Sir, I'll handle it from here, and sorry about our behavior earlier. Life wouldn't be the same without Dave, but it was our mistake." The guy apologized, pointing at his dead friend. Flickers of light could be seen from the windows of the surrounding buildings as people were taking pictures and recording the scene. " Feels like he'd still be more drunk and incoherent. Maybe he'd be more upset rather than so apologetic? Just my take, there might be an in world reason for this I'm not picking up yet.

 

[Bartun]

I've lost count of the number of times I've edited the story, but yes, it's better to polish one before branching out to others. My feedback for you will be up soon

I'll look into the text thing, probably need to remove the formatting. Thank you for the reads and likes, it makes me happy. I'll have yours done soon too.

Don't worry! Take your time!

And I've noticed the text issue is fixed on the 3rd chapter, but still shows on half of the 2nd.

 

[Trashcat]

Well, one chapter in and I'm interested enough to read more. Just some initial thoughts on chp 1:

I'm not an English major but when the mystery knight speaks you break up the sentences by row, and don't always put things in parentheses:

Leave her be, There is still time to flee,

Run now dear dimwits, Before you regret it."

I'd just make that one row and be sure to start the quotation with "
Leave her be, There is still time to flee, run now dear dimwits, before you regret it."

I'm curious to see if there's a reason he always rhymes. Like maybe a demon thing like Etrigon?

I also feel this guy had too fast a turnaround given the feel of your story.
"The drunk who had previously passed out approached him. "It's fine, Sir, I'll handle it from here, and sorry about our behavior earlier. Life wouldn't be the same without Dave, but it was our mistake." The guy apologized, pointing at his dead friend. Flickers of light could be seen from the windows of the surrounding buildings as people were taking pictures and recording the scene. " Feels like he'd still be more drunk and incoherent. Maybe he'd be more upset rather than so apologetic? Just my take, there might be an in world reason for this I'm not picking up yet.

The story combines prose and verse, and the MC is a weirdo who loves rhyming (and also since I grew up reading nursery rhymes). I agree with the sentences being broken up; making it a single row is a better choice unless it's a full-blown poem. I've heard of Etrigan from the DC comics, but I don't know much else about him. The similarities kinda scare me XD. I can't spoil anything here, so if you wanna know, you're gonna have to finish the novel *sinister laugh ensues*

I also feel this guy had too fast a turnaround given the feel of your story.
"The drunk who had previously passed out approached him. "It's fine, Sir, I'll handle it from here, and sorry about our behavior earlier. Life wouldn't be the same without Dave, but it was our mistake." The guy apologized, pointing at his dead friend. Flickers of light could be seen from the windows of the surrounding buildings as people were taking pictures and recording the scene. " Feels like he'd still be more drunk and incoherent. Maybe he'd be more upset rather than so apologetic? Just my take, there might be an in world reason for this I'm not picking up yet.

About this part, if you're out wandering around past curfew in Ravenhide, you have to accept fate, so he sorta just accepted his mistake. Actually, it's his buddy's fault since the guy just picked a fight with a monster. The city is not fleshed out in the first chapter because I received much feedback to focus on the MC instead of the venue - for better hooks.

---

I've read your novel up to chapter 3 and I just want to point out that I'm not into smut, harems, or anything of the sort but from what I've read so far, it has good pacing, flows well naturally and is very well written. Descriptions are just right.

So when his friend Marcus dragged him to the Ministry of Male Virtue for a routine magical inspection, he didn’t expect it to be anything but a minor inconvenience.

The governing body seem like a bunch of perverts who hate women (not unlike the old days) and I like the comedic undertone that it has going. If I had to nitpick, it would be to maybe flesh out the backstory of the MC and his friend. As of now, the friend seems pretty shallow and the progression a little stagnant with repeated inspections from the ministry. This is only up till chapter 3 though, I'll read more and see where it goes.

Don't worry! Take your time!

And I've noticed the text issue is fixed on the 3rd chapter, but still shows on half of the 2nd.

Thank you for pointing it out, I'm copying it from a Word document, and I keep forgetting to omit the formatting. It should be fixed now.

 

[CharlesEBrown]

The story combines prose and verse, and the MC is a weirdo who loves rhyming (and also since I grew up reading nursery rhymes). I agree with the sentences being broken up; making it a single row is a better choice unless it's a full-blown poem. I've heard of Etrigan from the DC comics, but I don't know much else about him. The similarities kinda scare me XD. I can't spoil anything here, so if you wanna know, you're gonna have to finish the novel *sinister laugh ensues*

Etrigan The Demon was just a weird character - originally just a "thug" other heroes would consult when they faced supernatural stuff (his alter-ego, Jason Blood, was a former knight cursed to bear Etrigan's spirit for eternity). He kind of went away in the 80s but in the 90s, when he came back, one of DC's "Cranky British Alans" (I think Alan Grant but might be Alan Moore) had revamped him, and now he was a Rhymer, one of the highest castes of demons in Hell, and had a bit of a power boost - he also did not have to revert to his human host quite as often. Everything he said had to be in rhymed couplets, including his transformation phrase (the one thing that had always been rhymed couplets - "Gone, gone the form of Man/Arise the Demon Etrigan" and "Begone the Demon Etrigan/Return me now to form of man" IIRC.)

 

[Humanistheart]

The story combines prose and verse, and the MC is a weirdo who loves rhyming (and also since I grew up reading nursery rhymes). I agree with the sentences being broken up; making it a single row is a better choice unless it's a full-blown poem. I've heard of Etrigan from the DC comics, but I don't know much else about him. The similarities kinda scare me XD. I can't spoil anything here, so if you wanna know, you're gonna have to finish the novel *sinister laugh ensues*

About this part, if you're out wandering around past curfew in Ravenhide, you have to accept fate, so he sorta just accepted his mistake. Actually, it's his buddy's fault since the guy just picked a fight with a monster. The city is not fleshed out in the first chapter because I received much feedback to focus on the MC instead of the venue - for better hooks.

---

I've read your novel up to chapter 3 and I just want to point out that I'm not into smut, harems, or anything of the sort but from what I've read so far, it has good pacing, flows well naturally and is very well written. Descriptions are just right.



The governing body seem like a bunch of perverts who hate women (not unlike the old days) and I like the comedic undertone that it has going. If I had to nitpick, it would be to maybe flesh out the backstory of the MC and his friend. As of now, the friend seems pretty shallow and the progression a little stagnant with repeated inspections from the ministry. This is only up till chapter 3 though, I'll read more and see where it goes.

Thank you for pointing it out, I'm copying it from a Word document, and I keep forgetting to omit the formatting. It should be fixed now.

Thank you so Much for the feedback! Yes this is a lot of fetish dump but it’s tied to what I hope will reveal to be notable plot as well. Concerning Marcus can you elaborate on how he’s coming off shallow? I did think that a fast paced opener Chp originally worked but it probably evolved away from that…

 

[Trashcat]

Etrigan The Demon was just a weird character - originally just a "thug" other heroes would consult when they faced supernatural stuff (his alter-ego, Jason Blood, was a former knight cursed to bear Etrigan's spirit for eternity). He kind of went away in the 80s but in the 90s, when he came back, one of DC's "Cranky British Alans" (I think Alan Grant but might be Alan Moore) had revamped him, and now he was a Rhymer, one of the highest castes of demons in Hell, and had a bit of a power boost - he also did not have to revert to his human host quite as often. Everything he said had to be in rhymed couplets, including his transformation phrase (the one thing that had always been rhymed couplets - "Gone, gone the form of Man/Arise the Demon Etrigan" and "Begone the Demon Etrigan/Return me now to form of man" IIRC.)

This is an interesting piece of history, I went down the rabbit hole and found out that the long version of the summoning phrase was "Change change o form of man, release the might from fleshy mire, boil the blood in heart of fire. Gone gone the form of man, rise the Demon Etrigan." I'm liking this stuff; it does have a similar style to my writing.

Thank you so Much for the feedback! Yes this is a lot of fetish dump but it’s tied to what I hope will reveal to be notable plot as well. Concerning Marcus can you elaborate on how he’s coming off shallow? I did think that a fast paced opener Chp originally worked but it probably evolved away from that…

I have no issues with fast pacing; it's nice to read without feeling like a drag. The backstory of the characters could be fleshed out a little, maybe something that can make the readers feel sorry for the MC (if the MC is an overall nice guy), or you could make him a misogynistic bastard (excuse the language) who gets punished by an unknown God/The universe XD. Anything that can make these characters more memorable/stand out. As for Marcus, perhaps more exaggerated expressions, since the story does take a comedic route. As of now, his character seems a little boring. Again, these are just my suggestions; how you go about it is up to you. I've only read 3 chapters so far, so take what I say with a grain of salt. Your writing style is great, easy to follow, with good pacing. I'm just throwing out story ideas at this point.

 

[Humanistheart]

I was surprised in chapter 2 to see the TV. I was picturing more of a medevel village. Tech wise, approximately what era is this story comparable to?

"Monsters, demon spawns, lesser vampires, and other otherworldly creatures inhabited the lower districts." Also when you say inhabited, do they liget live there, like in houses, or what kind on habitation exactly is it? Just trying to get a better picture.

 

[Trashcat]

MC has a gun, and a phone so its not medieval. I'd describe it as overlapping dimensions. Ravenhide is a mystery and soon you'll see it from the perspective of another character. Some harmful monsters are wild, others disguise themselves as humans so they live like humans. Not all monsters are dangerous, so they coexist with humans.There is a twist, maybe a reviewers perspective might help you understand better. Here is the link: https://readersfavorite.com/book-review/rhythm-of-rampage
It's an editorial review and I was lucky enough to get a free review. The old version of the book is on Amazon, pls ignore that one as its not polished.

 

[GreenLemonShark]

I'm a new writer, and I am having issues attracting readers. It could be the type of story, or it could be website visibility, but despite my writing, rewriting, countless edits, and trying to advertise, I'm still stuck in the shadows, cursed to drown in the abyss. Apologies for being overdramatic, but I would love to do some feedback swaps. Chapter for chapter swaps, especially the first chapter. I only have 3 chapters up so far. The novel is completed, and it will be gradually uploaded once I'm done with another round of edits. Please give honest feedback, and I will do the same for you.

---

Title: Rhythm of Rampage

Synopsis:
Rhythm of Rampage follows an eccentric nameless man with fractured memories, who becomes ensnared in a spiraling web of misfortune. where he encounters monsters and even more menacing hybrid creatures with special abilities, many of whom hide in plain sight, masquerading as ordinary humans. His journey through the city of Ravenhide brings to light the dark past that he had left behind, the obscured memories of many lives lived, the lives that made him into what he is now. A twisty, dark, and mysterious trek into the unknown sprinkled with rhymes.

Hey there! I totally get where you're coming from, I'm also a new writer trying to get some eyes on my work, and it’s definitely tough out here in the abyss.

I'd love to do a chapter for chapter feedback swap with you! Thats such a great idea, especially with how important those first few chapters are for hooking readers. I only have a prologue and chapter 1 up, and to be honest the prologue is just to pull in the romantic readers in the door, lol.

Looking forward to reading your work and swapping some honest feedback! ?

Cursed Destiny

Bound by ancient bloodlines and forgotten magic, Silveral and Leonardo are cursed and blessed by powers they never asked. One is a hardened crime boss slipping further into a monstrous, devilish form with each passing day. The other, a runaway prince, holds the power to save him, but only if...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[CharlesEBrown]

This is an interesting piece of history, I went down the rabbit hole and found out that the long version of the summoning phrase was "Change change o form of man, release the might from fleshy mire, boil the blood in heart of fire. Gone gone the form of man, rise the Demon Etrigan." I'm liking this stuff; it does have a similar style to my writing.

Never saw that version (and sometimes mix it up with one my old Villains & Vigilantes character used... he turned in to a human-sized black dragon instead of a yellow demon though) - first time I encountered the character was in a reprint in one of the "Brave and the Bold" omnibuses in the 70s and it just started at the "Gone, Gone" part. Suspect a "Secret Origins" or something gave the full version.

 

[GreenLemonShark]

Feedback for Hooded Stranger

Just wanted to say, I’m really enjoying it so far. I’m intrigued! I love the vivid details around the main protagonist, his outfit, his weapon, it really helps paint this mysterious figure who definitely feels like he shouldn’t be out past curfew, for a good reason.

I also think the rhyming pattern you use with the spaced-out italics is super cool and adds a nice rhythm. But I noticed that toward the end you stop formatting it that way, even though it’s still rhyming. Is there a reason for the change? It just felt a little jarring compared to the earlier parts.

I hope you don’t mind a bit of honest feedback about the cover, I don’t mean this in a harsh way at all, but I think the current design might not be as eye-catching as it could be. It’s mostly one color with some very subtle textures and small text (aside from the title), so it doesn’t really grab the viewer at first glance.

Of course, maybe I’m just not seeing the full vision yet! But I do wonder if featuring your main character may be with his weapon or in a dramatic pose, or even the golden statue of Sylvia Ravenhide, could help make the cover pop more and give readers a stronger sense of what your story’s about.

Just thoughts. I’m excited to keep reading regardless. ?

 

[Trashcat]

Don't worry! Take your time!

And I've noticed the text issue is fixed on the 3rd chapter, but still shows on half of the 2nd.

I'm not sure if you wanted feedback, as it's not specified in your post, but here goes: The cover is a little dark, so it's difficult to make out the details, but I love your character profile artwork. It's cute, simple, aesthetically pleasing, and vibrant. The prologue starts strong and intriguing, with palpable tension and adequately expressed emotions. The sense of urgency and impending doom is well described. Good enough that you feel sorry for the character, definitely a good hook in my book.

Some sentences like

Her leg just got stuck in a vermin’s den

This can be changed to "Her leg was stuck in a vermin's den". I have the same issue. Sometimes we use too many unnecessary words. It will read better if you cut some of these down.

-“Please, help me!” she begged at him, but he just looked away, crying.

No need to use "at" here. It should be "She begged him"

Finally, she looked at the heavens and begged the Gods, putting all her anger, the fear, the sorrow, and despair into one last desperate prayer.

"She looked to the heavens", sounds better. "Putting all her anger, fear, sorrow, and despair into one last desperate prayer." Remove "the". You can use Grammarly to fix these issues easily.

For the following chapters, the banter between the characters is fun at the beginning, but it gets too overwhelming as you read on. The MC keeps asking questions, and is answered with lengthy walls of text, and I find my attention drifting. It's better to show than tell, and too much info dumping is a huge turn-off for me. Your story has lively/memorable characters with profound depth, and an appealing plot. With a bit of polish, it'll be an excellent read.

Feedback for Hooded Stranger

Just wanted to say, I’m really enjoying it so far. I’m intrigued! I love the vivid details around the main protagonist, his outfit, his weapon, it really helps paint this mysterious figure who definitely feels like he shouldn’t be out past curfew, for a good reason.

I also think the rhyming pattern you use with the spaced-out italics is super cool and adds a nice rhythm. But I noticed that toward the end you stop formatting it that way, even though it’s still rhyming. Is there a reason for the change? It just felt a little jarring compared to the earlier parts.

I hope you don’t mind a bit of honest feedback about the cover, I don’t mean this in a harsh way at all, but I think the current design might not be as eye-catching as it could be. It’s mostly one color with some very subtle textures and small text (aside from the title), so it doesn’t really grab the viewer at first glance.

Of course, maybe I’m just not seeing the full vision yet! But I do wonder if featuring your main character may be with his weapon or in a dramatic pose, or even the golden statue of Sylvia Ravenhide, could help make the cover pop more and give readers a stronger sense of what your story’s about.

Just thoughts. I’m excited to keep reading regardless. ?

Thank you, you're too kind. About the formatting for the rhymes, I'll need to improve on that. Someone mentioned above to make it into a single row. I'll keep it in italics, but maybe if it's just two lines, then it doesn't need a separate paragraph.

About the cover I have an A.I one, but looking at all the hate for A.I, I stopped using it. I'm not sure how people here feel about using A.I images but I'll attach my previous cover here for you to look at. I can't draw, so I'll have to commission an artist, but it's too expensive.The A.I did an excellent job in capturing the essence of the story though, not gonna lie. The cover is attached below. Do you think I should change it back to this?

I appreciate the honest feedback a lot. Thank you ?. I'll do your book next.

 

[GreenLemonShark]

Thank you, you're too kind. About the formatting for the rhymes, I'll need to improve on that. Someone mentioned above to make it into a single row. I'll keep it in italics, but maybe if it's just two lines, then it doesn't need a separate paragraph.

About the cover I have an A.I one, but looking at all the hate for A.I, I stopped using it. I'm not sure how people here feel about using A.I images but I'll attach my previous cover here for you to look at. I can't draw, so I'll have to commission an artist, but it's too expensive.The A.I did an excellent job in capturing the essence of the story though, not gonna lie. The cover is attached below. Do you think I should change it back to this?
View attachment 39859

I appreciate the honest feedback a lot. Thank you ?. I'll do your book next.

Since I’m still pretty new to Scribble Hub, I can’t really say what the overall consensus is on AI covers here. But honestly, in my opinion, especially for stories like ours that probably won’t end up on bookstore shelves and aren’t making money, I don’t see a problem with using AI art. I totally get where the hate comes from though. I went to college for art myself, so I understand why artists hate it. It's taking money from their pockets, but the economy is in the shit right now, and I can't afford getting covers produced for the multitude of story ideas I have, that may or may not take off.

About the cover, honestly, I like it way more. It’s exactly what I pictured: the main character with his golden sword, striking that mysterious vibe. It really draws the eye, especially compared to the older beige cover, which didn’t stand out as much.

If I had one tiny nitpick (and really, it’s just a nitpick, so don’t overthink it), it’s the black bar behind the title text. It kind of blocks the background and feels a little boxy. I think if that were removed, the whole thing would pop even more. ?

No rush at all, take your time with my chapters, I’m planning to release a new chapter every Monday, so as mine go up, I’ll be reading and giving feedback on more of your chapters too. ?

 

[Bartun]

I'm not sure if you wanted feedback, as it's not specified in your post, but here goes: The cover is a little dark, so it's difficult to make out the details, but I love your character profile artwork. It's cute, simple, aesthetically pleasing, and vibrant. The prologue starts strong and intriguing, with palpable tension and adequately expressed emotions. The sense of urgency and impending doom is well described. Good enough that you feel sorry for the character, definitely a good hook in my book.

Some sentences like

This can be changed to "Her leg was stuck in a vermin's den". I have the same issue. Sometimes we use too many unnecessary words. It will read better if you cut some of these down.

No need to use "at" here. It should be "She begged him"

"She looked to the heavens", sounds better. "Putting all her anger, fear, sorrow, and despair into one last desperate prayer." Remove "the". You can use Grammarly to fix these issues easily.

For the following chapters, the banter between the characters is fun at the beginning, but it gets too overwhelming as you read on. The MC keeps asking questions, and is answered with lengthy walls of text, and I find my attention drifting. It's better to show than tell, and too much info dumping is a huge turn-off for me. Your story has lively/memorable characters with profound depth, and an appealing plot. With a bit of polish, it'll be an excellent read.

Thank you, you're too kind. About the formatting for the rhymes, I'll need to improve on that. Someone mentioned above to make it into a single row. I'll keep it in italics, but maybe if it's just two lines, then it doesn't need a separate paragraph.

About the cover I have an A.I one, but looking at all the hate for A.I, I stopped using it. I'm not sure how people here feel about using A.I images but I'll attach my previous cover here for you to look at. I can't draw, so I'll have to commission an artist, but it's too expensive.The A.I did an excellent job in capturing the essence of the story though, not gonna lie. The cover is attached below. Do you think I should change it back to this?
View attachment 39859

I appreciate the honest feedback a lot. Thank you ?. I'll do your book next.

Man, I did not expect you to give me any feedback. Thanks!

I will look at yours too when I have a bit of time.