Feedbacks on my novel!

[Breakin]

Hi guys, any free souls out there can take a look at my novel: https://www.scribblehub.com/series/1710263/dotage-and-discretion/

It’s about a man with terminal illness who transmigrated into a high schooler and starting life as a healthy person (along the lines) and meeting his idol. I wanted to post it on the feedback threads but most of them are closed or inactive except for Tempokai and Yuin (but they have a long queue).
I just want to know whether the writing and the plot are good enough and appreciate any suggestions. I just published this so idk if the link is working because the series is not reflected on my profile page. Anyways, thanks for dropping by!

 

[Senx1l]

Just skimmed through your story and I want to preface this by saying I’m relatively a new writer (mostly an amateur) so take this with a grain of salt.

Since it’s only two chapters ima just speak on the stuff I found issue with.

1. Why didn’t he contact one of the names on the contact list or surf through the phone to figure out more info on who he now is? He simply looked at the contact list and found his favorite idols name and apparently lost all sense. Yes, he did go to the hospital to confirm his other bodies death but his next move should have been trying to figure out more info on again who he NOW is. His new body also is rich, I mean if I was in his shoes I would be asking WAY more questions and digging for WAY more info. His idol and school can wait.

2. The guide is just information that you’re already going to tell the readers so including it is pretty redundant. I completely get the point but it just doesn’t..help? It basically just sprinkles information that the reader should find out in the story, and not in a guide.

3. The beginning of chapter 2 is basically what you already told us, the readers, in the prologue. You basically repeated yourself when you already got the point across. His life was miserable, yeah okay now what? If you wanted to add more perspective? the first chapter would’ve been the best place to add the beginning of chapter 2.

I will say other than these slight tidbits, the premise is not bad. The prologue got me hooked.

 

[Breakin]

1. Why didn’t

For this, it’s because it’s a very small detail that I dont see the need to expand. But you’re kinda right, I’ll take that into consideration!

The guide

I used it to keep track of things… maybe I should move it to the glossary instead.

The beginning

Yeah I also felt it was repetitive but I wanted to emphasise that the original owner is dead too and not just inactive. I’ll shorten that part and add it to chapter 1.

Overall, I didn’t know I established most of the information in a short prologue. I felt the need to expand it further in the chapters but it seemed to come off as repetitive. I do have a backstory to the rich kid so I’ll move it to the earlier chapter but thanks for the feedback!

 

[Senx1l]

For this, it’s because it’s a very small detail that I dont see the need to expand. But you’re kinda right, I’ll take that into consideration!

I used it to keep track of things… maybe I should move it to the glossary instead.

Yeah I also felt it was repetitive but I wanted to emphasise that the original owner is dead too and not just inactive. I’ll shorten that part and add it to chapter 1.

Overall, I didn’t know I established most of the information in a short prologue. I felt the need to expand it further in the chapters but it seemed to come off as repetitive. I do have a backstory to the rich kid so I’ll move it to the earlier chapter but thanks for the feedback!

I understand that and it’s your story so do write it how you want. I just kinda felt the main character was a little dumb for that but it is a story and I can’t exactly use my logic on a character.

Yes the glossary is the best place for that so
you and the readers who eventually get far along in your story need a reminder on the characters.

I completely understand the need to add emphasis. One thing I will say is that when you wanna do that, something to keep in mind is where you’re adding it. The need for emphasis, especially in your MC’s case, should’ve been added either in the prologue or first chapter. Dragging it to the 2nd chapter makes it sound repetitive to the reader as they’ve already seen it be mentioned twice beforehand.

For your bit on the prologue at the end. One thing a prologue does especially if it’s mainly about the MC is set the tone for who the main character is, their background, how their personality is, and most importantly their perspective (this is at least how I see it). So to me you completely got the point across whether or not it being short.

You also very welcome cause believe me I get the need for feedback ;)

 

[Breakin]

I understand that and it’s your story so do write it how you want. I just kinda felt the main character was a little dumb for that but it is a story and I can’t exactly use my logic on a character.

Yes the glossary is the best place for that so
you and the readers who eventually get far along in your story need a reminder on the characters.

I completely understand the need to add emphasis. One thing I will say is that when you wanna do that, something to keep in mind is where you’re adding it. The need for emphasis, especially in your MC’s case, should’ve been added either in the prologue or first chapter. Dragging it to the 2nd chapter makes it sound repetitive to the reader as they’ve already seen it be mentioned twice beforehand.

For your bit on the prologue at the end. One thing a prologue does especially if it’s mainly about the MC is set the tone for who the main character is, their background, how their personality is, and most importantly their perspective (this is at least how I see it). So to me you completely got the point across whether or not it being short.

You also very welcome cause believe me I get the need for feedback ;)

Aw you’re so awesome! Yesterday I took all your feedbacks in and rework on my story. If you’re free, you can reread both of the chapters

 

[Senx1l]

Aw you’re so awesome! Yesterday I took all your feedbacks in and rework on my story. If you’re free, you can reread both of the chapters

Just got finished rereading it and I’m genuinely happy. You took what I said and applied it fairly well. You applied the MC’s previous experience as a Netizen and had him use it to his advantage. He’s got the important stuff out the way now he can genuinely indulge in the life he now possesses. He can figure out the relationship his new body had with his Idol, perhaps more stuff pertaining to his family, and also just genuinely enjoy the healthy new life he’s now been blessed with.

You get all the points. I’ll be sure to check in on new chapters, this time not for feedback, but as a reader :)