So basically I'm beginning to write a story about revenge and such, and I want to know if the opening character development is what im reaching for, Im looking more for a type of opening where you cant really tell where the story will go, nor what the message im trying to bring out in my characters besides your own interpretation so I can see how the characters come off to you guys. Thanks.
In a world where magic is common and trust is rare, Vyno Kishimoto is a man marked by pain and silence. Once a promising adventurer with unmatched ice magic, he now walks a lonely path, haunted by betrayal and loss. When his sister disappears under mysterious circumstances, Vyno’s fragile...
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Hello! Before we start, please keep in mind that I am the worst writer around here and my stories are super bad, so take any of my advice with caution. With that out of the way, let me give you some general thoughts.
https://www.scribblehub.com/read/1682521-fractured/chapter/1682755/
It is a bit of a mess. Mostly because of the time jumping. The beginning is nice, but then you go:
8 Months Earlier…
[Vyno’s Homecoming]
First flashback. And
[Flashback – One Year Ago | Rain-Soaked Forest]
Flashback from within the flashback! Is it one year counting from Vyno's homecoming or one year before the start of the main story? Who knows? (I understood the idea, but I am speaking from the role of a casual reader here).
Next, you are telling us, instead of showing:
Vyno comes home from a rough adventure, greeted by his sister, Yui Kishimoto.
"Vyno! Hey!" she exclaims gleefully, interrupting his entry with a hug.
"Hey Yui… How have you been?"
He smiles softly, returning the hug before Yui steps back and walks toward their makeshift kitchen.
"Great! Oh, and I made dinner early, so hurry before it gets cold."
The moonlight peeks through the broken roof, illuminating the hallway. Vyno’s smile fades slowly as he sets his blade down by the door.
“I'm glad she's safe. Every day I wonder when they'll come after her. Ugh, forget it.”
Okay, a usual scene and right next...
Vyno walks in to see the modest but warm meal. He sits across from Yui at their slightly damaged table.
"Yui, have those girls stopped messing with you at the academy?"
Yui’s fork pauses mid-air—barely noticeable, but enough. She quickly recovers, forcing a casual tone.
The last ingredient (showing the fork pausing) is good. Proper use, if a bit wordy. You draw too much attention to the scene. But you could've snuck in descriptions.
Like, the most basic. Returning from a rough adventure. What does it mean? Is Vyno's outfit tattered? Is it dirty? Are there any cuts on his face? Rather than telling us that it was rough, drop several indications (a welt, or circles under the eyes, anything. But show moderation). Then, draw attention to Yui; describe (briefly, without breaking the flow) a bruise or maybe a reddening of skin if she is getting bullied. Don't focus on it yet; the next scene is for it! But it'll help explain why the MC brought up this topic and maybe pique a reader's interest.
Also, find a way to describe to us the MCs' appearances sooner.
