@JellyFish000
Come up and have a seat at the bar. I have finally made my way through four chapters of your new book.
Cultivation Starting With Treasure Gathering Bowl
Alright a few things to say before I get started. First, given that English isn't your first language, I didn't really say much about the grammar. That isn't to say that the grammar is fine, its just that I didn't take away from my review. Second, the genre. I knew nothing about cultivation/Xainxia before I started reading. I suspected, but I didn't know.
So I looked it up, found out some of the very basics of what I should have seen.
With that in mind I 'opened' your book and read the following:
- Synopsis
- Chapter 1
- Chapter 2
- Chapter 12
- Chapter 26 (Your bonus chapter, lol)
Synopsis:
It's a little different given that you have what is happening and some of Xitu's actually speech. I personally wouldn't do it this way, I would have just given a pretty brief overview, and added a little hint of the adventure to come. Why? Well in your case, there is the fact you tell the reader English isn't your first language. This was an absolute must. So good job.
Having said that, I personally would take out the update schedule and post it to your personal profile, since it isn't part of a synopsis. It's a personal choice and not anything I subtracted from.
Chapter 1:
In a blur, his hip knocked the side table. A full glass of water wobbled, then tipped. He reached out instinctively, but it was too late. The glass slipped from the edge and shattered on the floor, splashing water directly onto the nearby power strip. The water seeped into the sockets with a soft 'fzzzt!'
His hand followed, palm slapping the wet floor, fingers brushing against the soaked power strip.
His body jolted from the electricity, muscles locked in place, then crumpled beside the couch—phone still clutched in his hand, the screen flickering silently.
As his vision dimmed, a metallic taste filled his mouth. A single thought echoed in his fading mind: 'All this... just for some damn rares.'
The room went still.
I condensed the portion here for a reason. This is the summation of Xian's death. You put more detail into the party and gaming he did prior to his death. You might as well not even had it here. You could have woven this in somewhere later, since he obviously knows he was reincarnated. Just make it something he tells a love interest as she's beginning to get interest in him, or something. I simply wasn't a fan of this 'transition'. There are many different examples and ways to do this and many of them - like the book I recently looked into, that make it a center of attention for more than one sentence really. I highlighted the part that reflects the entire translocation.
The reincarnation is - through my experience of reviewing the Isekai genre, is important for the entire story. Give it the diligence and detail it deserves. Moving on.
(Side note: When I read, I typically have music playing in the background. Helps me focus. What is funny/interesting is that during this first part where Xian/Xitu dies the song "Stayin' Alive" came on. Remember I am 55, so I listen to 'oldies' - lol - either way it was funny to me.)
But on some sleepless night in the future, Li Xian would instinctively think back to this moment and ask himself, ‘Was it really the right choice?’
This little blurb comes out of nowhere, its in the middle of his travel to the light and to the 'man' talking to himself. Which in fact turns out to be the main character. Okay, this is a weak spot in the story. There is no need to make an artificial mystery here. We all know that the main character just dropped into this other person's body and took over as the main personality. Referring to Xitu as 'the man' is weak, best to just trash or rewite it to fix the narrative.
Here's where you start to set up the layers of the genre, which I was pleased to see.
We see our first cultivation and you start explaining the layers that will come.
We see some banter about the spirit stones with a shopkeeper.
Let me go back to the transition just as something to consider. You spent that one line on arugably one of the most important parts to start the novel, but spend the second half bantering with the shopkeeper and Xitu complaining about the pricing among the other vendors.
Consider revamping it all, take out what isn't really necessary and put things in order a little better.
Beyond that, you keep the chapter short, and for the most part it is a very easy read. You have some odd sentence structure, but that is likely due to the difference in language. I had no problem following what you presented. So nice job.
Chapter 2:
This chapter is where you unravel the various ideas of what you'd expect to see in the genre.
You break down exactly how 'lowly' Xitu is - which is consistent with what I expected based on my limited knowledge of the level and rank structure.
You go through the different cultivation districts and even a few little 'dreams of a better' life from Xitu. Interestingly enough, you mention he might want to go to the Red Light district. (This will be a sticking point later).
With the tag "Slow-burn" - you expect that things will move slower than normal and reflect more depth about the main character as his journey continues. So the little detail about his meditation and eating was pretty spot on. Nice little visual.
You even get to the part in the book where the synopsis meets the book in the "Cheat" line.
Here is also the duality of the chapter.
It's basically an info dump. While I expected to know more about his Qi, what is a little overwhelming is the sheer volume of districts and their different purposes. You give each one roughly a sentence and keep moving.
I found it over the top and flat. You try and shove the entire level and power structure in this chapter, when you don't need to. You literally dump it all into the chapter. A better way to approach this is when or if Xitu visits these places, you show the reader what goes on. Bring these sections to life as you need them. I mean as he visits the places, you can show the reader different examples of what the other cultivators do for that section. This chapter is still new so keep focus completely on Xitu's needs and let it be.
He had spent over 30 years in this unforgiving cultivation world. At first, his heart swelled with joy for another chance at life. Later, as he grew older, learning about the magical aspect of this world made him excited for the future.
Then, one day, news arrived that his parents had disappeared on a clan mission and were assumed dead. He was just 10. The loss didn't hit too hard. They were away most of the time. He felt grateful to them, but there wasn't enough time to form a deep bond.
This is all we get about Xitu's growing up - thrity years of life all in two lines. One of which made me scratch my head.
What 10 year olds wouldn't take the loss of their parents like a life altering memory? I struggled with this quite a bit. I know it is quite common in this kind of story to make the parents 'bad' in some way, but I personally never liked it. Parents aren't the complete reason why Xitu's life is a struggle.
Case point:
Time passed, and his Spiritual Root was measured. Without his parents, he had to demonstrate an exceptional talent for the clan to recognize his worth. It was the only way to obtain abundant resources for future cultivation.
Unfortunately, he was not a once-in-a-decade genius. One might even say he lacked the aptitude for the mysterious way. He only possessed a mediocre Mortal Spiritual Root.
This would have been the perfect time to have that "talent demonstration" as a reflective past for the reader. Instead you keep plodding along with the different roots, that really have no impact yet.
This chapter really should have just stayed with Xitu, he's the main character. Give us his life, his experiences. You have an entire novel to explain in detail about the different roots. I know it is expected to set up the leveling system and power base, but keep in mind that you don't have to do it in one place. The part with unlocking and explaning the Qi, was exactly one paragraph as well.
Positive points: It's short and easy to read. You do a fine job of Xitu's 'basic' dailiy life and glimpse into his practice of the spells he does know.
Negative point: This is the first time I spotted the overuse of the word "Cultivate/Cultivation". There really needs to be some other way of saying this or it gets repetative very quick. I leave that to you to figure out.
Chapter 12:
I took full advantage of the 'slow-burn' and figured that not much would have changed in Xitu's life.
Which thankfully, I was correct. Xitu is still trying to get by, but has had a little trumph with catching a rabbit. However, that isn't the theme and I got a very well laid out chapter.
This chapter is the example of why I skip around. Your comfort and writing is much better here, you have one central theme and delve into a small interactions with his former neighbor - all of which is just fine.
This is where the red light section comes back into play.
'No wonder this bastard always looks like a dead corpse. And he even had the nerve to mock me before, with that debauched lifestyle!' Xitu thought angrily.
Now, aside from the redundancy of 'dead corpse' - just remove 'dead' and it reads fine. It seems like that Xitu doesn't approve of the district, even when way back in chapter 2, he wonders what it's like. Maybe make it a little more clear what he thinks of the vendor vs the red light section. Nothing a little rework can't fix.
Everything else progresses just fine. Xitu has obviously made his fortunes a little better since he is shopping and buying things without really complaining about the prices. You have him with lots of internal monologue which is fine as well. Insight is always a good thing.
Then we are given this:
But having enjoyed smooth sailing until now, he failed to notice the dark clouds gathering on the horizon. Troubles might be waiting for him ahead.
This has nothing to do with the chapter, shouldn't break the 4th wall and the idea - the symbolism integrated into the chapter. Maybe in his internal discussion, others around him are commmenting on the 'dark clouds' forming, which he barely registers - something, other than talking directly to the reader.
Editing in this chapter isn't the best. There are intnernal monologue sections that are not setup right to your pattern. Until this chapter - when Xitu is talking it is "insert text" - and with internal thought its 'my thoughs here' - you have them backwards at a few points and it makes that section a little harder until you re-read it. Nothing horrible, just try and edit a bit more.
Chapter 26 (The bonus round!):
Again you played to your strengths. The slow-burn, the interaction between neighbors. You set up the wonderment of the Southern Wild and specifically Dark Mist Valley.
It is a very good conversation between Xitu and Wu Shen. It flows very well, showing your improvement once again.
I like that you are adapting and finally getting into your style as the story progresses.
I didn't see anything in this that needed drastic improvement. I mean you even say how "reasonable" the sprit stone costs are for Xitu now, when in Chapter 1 he would have been complaining - since 5 stones is all he had.
You also drew on his prior life, with the money making scheme with the weapons. What really is the shame about this - is that you could have incorportated this "modern business practice" into what he knew before his reincarnation. It would have made sense, these little details make a story.
Overall:
Easy to read, decent pace per chapter.
There are a few editing issues, some organizational issues - but nothing story breaking.
Given what I learned about the genre, you hit the points and start going through their "levels" and show a natural progression for Xitu.
If not for Chapter 2 and the massive overload, this would have rated better. That info dump made my head spin. So much more could have been done.
So -
- I am giving you 3/5 cups. I enjoyed learning a new genre, you have a pretty decent concept and story brewing, it needs a little work, nothing major. I didn't take anything away for grammar, just know that it isn't great. Get with a friend or someone else that is fluent in English and hammer out the strange wording and the sentence structure a little more.
Thank you so much for the opportunity to review your book, It was a fun little trip.
Be well and feel free to message me if you want.
