Nice time of day to you. Before we start, keep in mind that I am the worst writer around here, vomiting awful and uninteresting stories. Be aware before following any of my feedback or advice.
With that out of the way, let's begin:
https://www.scribblehub.com/read/1526206-the-insatiable-system/chapter/1526212/
Author Note:
If you want a more cleaner experience, chapters 001-044 are now available as an eBook on Amazon Kindle!
That's just not a good way to greet a reader.
It was a dimly lit room, a subtle scent of herbs and incense floated in the air.
Sounds a little... clumsy? What is "subtle" supposed to tell us? How can a smell be subtle? " It was a dimly lit room filled with a soft scent of herbs and incense. " Not great, but it sounds better.
I should’ve been panicking, but I strangely wasn't. Recognizing the warmth around my body I try to wriggle out of the grasp of the person holding me down.
Two mistakes. First, you started in the past tense, and now this is a present tense. Next is an additional space between "the person" and "Holding"
“Did you have a nightmare?”
She asked again. Even though I was panicking inside, I wasn’t really sure what was happening, so I just nodded.
Weird formatting. Not wrong, but unusual.
“Did you have a nightmare?” she asked again.
Even though I was panicking inside, I wasn’t really sure what was happening, so I just nodded.
Reads better.
Um, how do I explain this to her?\
No need for \ at the end.
“Magic…? I don’t understand what you're saying so suddenly big sis… you know I can't use magic…”
I spoke. Her eyes went wide and her jaw slightly ajar as she heard my response.
That's just vexing me. There is no need for two paragraphs when one would've sufficed.
“A-Are my eyes deceiving me, Lily?”
No. The A-a thing works when it comes from Lily. It doesn't work when it comes from a supposedly competent adult.
All in all, not a disappointing read; just polish it of mistakes and stick to the regular format.
