@Kara_dija
I have had a chance to take a look at your book,
Crimson Dreams.
I did it with a healthy glass of iced peach tea, and sat outside listening to the surf right outside my house. So perfect setting to relax and read.
For the purposes of our little gathering, I read the following:
Synopsis
Prologue
Chapter 1
Chapter 6
Chapter 16
Before I begin, I thought you should know that there are two chapters named Halo, even though one has a "?" you might consider changing the name as to not be confusing. Nothing bad here, just a thought.
Moving on.
Synopsis.
You give the names of three characters and setup a story that promises to be entwined. Overall, good. It's easy to understand and to the point without giving too much away. Nicely done. Didn't employ any tricks or anything, which I personally appreciate.
*Note*
Character Listing. While I didn't list this as a reviewed source, since it's not the actual story, I do have something about it. I would personally remove it. A character list and features, personalities and quirks are all fine for YOU to know for reference. When it comes to listing characters for the reader, I am not a fan. These people need to be solely in the story with all their little fun things you invented for them, listing them takes away from the immersion. Discovery of a character and showing who they are is much better than just a list of names and features.
I didn't give or take away anything due to this, so I will move on.
Prologue:
It was here that I figured that English wasn't your first language and you confirmed it for me, which I was thankful for.
Given that was the case, I made the decision to not hammer you with grammar issues.
However, that doesn't resolve the issues that the prologue has.
First person, that is great. It made things a little better to understand but very little.
We have the main character singing to herself, overlooking a pond. (More on this in a moment.)
She sees a guy and they have a little moment, then you end the prologue.
I found myself going, "Okay, why?" - Meaning there is very little point to this prologue, if at all.
This introduction should have just been the opening of the first chapter and then you could have delved into the story immediately, along with interaction that confirms that it is the main character. This comes back to the character list. Because you put that for everyone to see, I think you used it as a crutch to tell this little blurb.
I put this in here to point out that while "technically" correct in that they are sentences and give complete ideas for the most part, the simplicity makes it read almost like a children's tale. That isn't bad IF that is your intention, if its not then I would consider combining like ideas and make it flow together.
The highlighted text are things that are very hard to get through because of the structure, I didn't take anything from you for this - it's to show you things to fix while you learn English. So not an insult or critique, but a "hey, take a look at this."
The first is the discussion about Xavier's hair. "They" isn't the right thing to use unless Xavier is gender neutral, which isn't the case since used he/him in the sentence prior. IN fact, the better way of expressing this is to combine this with the others. "
When I turned to see where the footsteps were coming from, I was met with a tell well-built but lean man. As he emerged from the shadows, I was greeted by the most beautiful white hair that I had ever seen...."
Or something to that effect. That was what I could come up with on short notice, play with it. You'll get it eventually.
The second highlight. This is rough. Rather than just inner thoughts to the reader, to paint the picture - this shifts perspective and its pretty jarring. Consider playing with it so its more her internal thought than talking directly to the reader. I visually got the image of her looking at the reader - effectively breaking the 4th wall. It's easily changed with the sentence beside it. "It was the thought of my Aunt Lily that broke me free of his enchanting messy hair, and I thought it was time that I left...."
Or something like that. Again, play with it and I would suggest putting yourself in your characters mind and talking internally. We all do it naturally. I don't know many people that would tell themselves "Anyhow I should be leaving." - It's more like "Alright, I need to get the hell out of here.." or the like. Again, play with it.
Back to the actual content. Up there ^ represents about half of the prologue. So you can see why I think that incorporating this into the story is probably for the best. I suspect that you had this scene kinda sitting in your head and wanted to get it out because you could see it clearly. Which is great. It means you have excitement and interest in telling this story. The better thing to do is wait until the right time to get this scene out.
So, Opinion - get rid of this and put it into the story. I think it would fit better. Moving on.
Chapter 1.
Same issues with the simplicity of the sentence structure. You are telling a story from Yvonne's eyes and we don't typically think in short sentences. Combine them in the right order. It will flow better and not hard stop every few seconds.
You set up detail at times, the vanilla was a very good detail upon entering the library. These things are imperative to keep doing. Since it's first person, without Lily thinking it, the reader just doesn't know.
Recall when I said the prologue said it had a place?
Right here could have been the perfect time. It's a reflection of a year ago.
This would have been the perfect time for her to reflect over that embarrassment and tied it into the beginning. Recalling his hair at this point would have fit damned near perfect here.
Story wise we are given a look into the fact that Xavier and Yvonne are archery students and their pleasant banter.
then we get the last two 'parts', of which are a puzzle to me.
You should have ended the chapter with "May the best team win." it would have been much cleaner and set up for this contest when you returned to it. As it was, I have no idea why this is here. Which given to the first person point of view from Lily, "unbeknownst to us..." Doesn't fit. If she doesn't know, then nor should the reader.
Overall, not a bad read. It's still setting up the book so we are getting through the introductions. Which again, using the characters from the sheet would have enriched this section much more.
Moving on.
Chapter 6.
This is where it gets really messy. This first paragraph is all over the place. I had to figure it out that the point was to have Yvonne at this lake and in this dress, her dead mother's dress. That is all well and good. Concept is solid. The delivery needs to flow much better. That isn't grammar, that's planning.
I only quoted the first paragraph since the rest until we get to Xavier are about the same. You are trying to shove too many things in at one time and have skipped all over the place. Yes, she's at the lake, yes her hands are cold and yes she is remembering her mother while wearing the dress. That's a bunch packed into this paragraph. Since you later go on to explain her fathers dislike of Yvonne wearing dresses, you can organize this for the lake then reflect on why she is wearing the dress - then go into her father. Or something to effect. Just so it flows better.
Now, while she is reflecting, we get introduced to Xavier in the lake - which more or less interrupts Yvonne's train of thought.
Again great detailing for Xavier with the sculpture reference. You get the sense of her interest, which is the point.
What hammers you are the same problems. Short and direct sentences, out of place sentences and the wording.
You get the image and what you want to portray eventually, but it is wildly out of order. You are first talking about how close they are with their intense breathing, then have it reveresed about being "taken aback" and "changing his mind" - reads out of order is all.
then you have two lovely sentences that are in tune with the rest of what you want going on, then you have the one I highlighted. This really needs help. You go from not wanting him to leave to his eyes, then comback to the fact she scooted to him and it fills a void. Then you have the random wind annoying her and she has to push the hair from her face. This paragraph's importance is in the fact Yvonne doesn't want him to leave, but its bogged down with out of place details that if you expanded on the story and emotional turmoil, you could add in the red eyes seamlessly. Like she spots them after she "feels him fill the empty space." - What a time to look up and spot someone's eyes. Play with it.
I won't give away the finer details of why this section is named scars. I do enjoy that you made this both physical and emotional scars.
Chapter 16.
We've changed perspective to Leo. Which isn't a problem really. Easy enough to follow and we get to know that his parents are all over him about finding a lady and he's had an obsession with a vision of a person since he was about eight. Not a bad introduction, and I could tell that you'd gotten a little better at organizing things and wording the text much better.
Still your issues are the short sentences when you could combine them and make them more full.
The rest of this chapter suffers from the same that the others do. You have Kacie and Leo talking and building up that little tension, but do it in hurry. They go outside and he mentioned his little dream and it goes badly almost immediately after this confession. So bad in fact, that within a hundred words or so, Kacie leaves the ball.
While I was reading it, I wanted to see the fantasy. When you look at Romeo and Juliet, their Masquerade ball is all around them - the scene is full of life. Their love bloomed from that livelihood and mystery. You touched on the "who's in the mask" for exactly a sentence, when Kacie tells Leo that he's got to figure out who she is all on his own.
This chapter was a little bit of a let down for me.
Overall! You have a pretty solid story or idea of one.
I was able to figure things out after a couple times re-reading and organizing the structure in my head.
Which most of which is because English isn't your first language.
*Note* - You should post that somewhere in the beginning of the book or in the Synopsis. That way the reader is less likely to say "This person doesn't know how to write."
You need to work on your scenes quite a bit, organize and expand on what you have and build tension a bit more. The details you have - when you use them are very good. Usually I tell people to cut fluff out of their story, but you could use a little more.
Without considering grammar as a factor, I give this story:
2/5 cups. You have a good concept, It just needs to flow a little better put more into it and organize your thoughts. The hardest part was when the thoughts jumped around. While people legitemately do that in real life, it's tougher when you want to read a book.
Find a good friend to help you edit and stop doing it alone! I have two wonderful guys that edit all of my chapters. They catch things that I simply don't see since I am in the heat of the moment.
Please be well, I had fun with this. I will add it to read and see how you progress. Thank you for the fun!
Esteemed Gabrielle,the sweetest of the sweetest among sweets,