Need more reviews so i can change the way my story goes or tell me if the pacing is fast

[rvie]

Beckoned From The Brink (Of Another World)
Genre: Comedy, Harem, Isekai, adventure
Chapters: 5 in total

The Throne Of False Light

A throne that's all about fear. A kingdom that thrives in darkness. They called him the Black Monarch—a mysterious guy in high school who ruled like a total tyrant, hiding behind shadows and sly grins. Kaito didn’t swing his fists; he ruled through fear and razor-sharp logic. With...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[rvie]

Beckoned From The Brink (Of Another World)
Genre: Comedy, Harem, Isekai, adventure, overp
Chapters: 5 in total

The Throne Of False Light

A throne that's all about fear. A kingdom that thrives in darkness. They called him the Black Monarch—a mysterious guy in high school who ruled like a total tyrant, hiding behind shadows and sly grins. Kaito didn’t swing his fists; he ruled through fear and razor-sharp logic. With...

www.scribblehub.com

View attachment 39395

 

[VertisGuguChalimoth]

Vertis would like to ask if you submitted your work to the following threads.

Gabriel's Cafe
Tempokai's Incinerator
Yuin's "Amateur" Feedback Plaza

And:
Fairemont's Fair & Friendly Fiction Fair

 

[rvie]

Vertis would like to ask if you submitted your work to the following threads.

Gabriel's Cafe
Tempokai's Incinerator
Yuin's "Amateur" Feedback Plaza

And:
Fairemont's Fair & Friendly Fiction Fair

haven't yet thank for the tips!

 

[CharlesEBrown]

The formatting is ... odd. Feels like it wants to be a poem, not prose.
Kind of akin to Alice's Adventures in Wonderland, and Alice's Adventures through the Looking Glass and What She Found There but...
Those are told in third person so we can feel the craziness alongside her, without seeing her either take it all in stride, or descend into the madness that surrounds her. First person does not seem like the ideal way to tell this story.
The lack of any marks to point out dialogue also makes it both more dreamlike, but also choppier and harder to follow.

 

[rvie]

can you tell m

The formatting is ... odd. Feels like it wants to be a poem, not prose.
Kind of akin to Alice's Adventures in Wonderland, and Alice's Adventures through the Looking Glass and What She Found There but...
Those are told in third person so we can feel the craziness alongside her, without seeing her either take it all in stride, or descend into the madness that surrounds her. First person does not seem like the ideal way to tell this story.
The lack of any marks to point out dialogue also makes it both more dreamlike, but also choppier and harder to follow.

can you point out what you are talking about because, im very sorry that it kinda bit of a mess, i dont live in usa so my friend from the america is helping me create it.

 

[Macha]

i dont live in usa

Good for you.

my friend from the america

I am sorry to hear that.

 

[rvie]

can you tell m

The formatting is ... odd. Feels like it wants to be a poem, not prose.
Kind of akin to Alice's Adventures in Wonderland, and Alice's Adventures through the Looking Glass and What She Found There but...
Those are told in third person so we can feel the craziness alongside her, without seeing her either take it all in stride, or descend into the madness that surrounds her. First person does not seem like the ideal way to tell this story.
The lack of any marks to point out dialogue also makes it both more dreamlike, but also choppier and harder to follow.

can you point out what you are talking about because, im very sorry that it kinda bit of a mess, i dont live in usa so my friend from the america is helping me create it.

Good for you.


I am sorry to hear that.

ah no you don't have to, they are translating my light novel as a english which i already have 200 chapters on arcadia and syotsetsu

 

[CharlesEBrown]

The lines just end and then there's a blank space before the next one - even if a sentence is continuing.

And there are no "" or '' or <> marks around dialogue to denote that it is dialogue, so everything just comes out like stream of consciousness narration,